I have been an MB junkie for about 6 years! Getting it to work: that�s the trick!!

Here�s the story, Married 3 yrs, 2nd marriage, 4 kids between us. Step-parent thing is going good � it�s the marriage that�s rocky.

So: I try to tell him how I feel, �I�m not happy,� or �I�d like to work on our quality of conversation. I get frustrated when you interrupt me or change the subject when I�m trying to share.�

His latest defense is a good offense: �Well, I�m not happy about X.� or �You are constantly DJ�ing and I�m tired of it.� I am working on my LBs, but he considers things DJs that aren�t: e.g. he thinks snooping is a DJ.

I dislike him so much I won�t go to bed when he does � I wait a few hours (like now) til he�s asleep, then go to bed. Then I get up really early and go downstairs to the couch before he�s awake. I don�t like hearing him breathe, I don�t want him to touch me.

We�ve had 2 or 3 good weeks in the past 2 years: once after Dr. Harley answered us on the radio, and once after I told the pastor how much we are struggling. It�ll be ok for a while, then downhill again.

I asked him once what the problem is in our marriage. He said, �You complain too much, your expectations are too high and you are stubborn.�

Where do I go from here? I�m working on my LBs � but our problems precede the LBs, and I really do strive to stay composed and respectful, even when he yells. I mostly try to avoid his company so I won�t get upset. I actually think he loves me (when I�m not complaining) � but I don�t love him, haven�t for a long time.

Thanks for your advice.

Did you marry your father in law who you were having the affair with?

Who is this new husband? Is this your adultery partner, your own FIL? Whatever happened with that?

No - the affair died, I ended it years ago, worst mistake of my life

This is a totally new marriage - we agreed to all the MB concepts, I've soaked myself in them over the past 6 years. In fact, I told my H about the whole ugly truth on our first date. We did the History Questionnaire, everything.

Why aren't you happy? What are you comparing your reality to?

MaritalBliss: I want to be in love with my husband, like when we were dating, or even more. I know my ENs - conversation being one. I know the LBs - I'd like them to stop poking holes in the love bucket.

I guess I compare our reality to Dr. & Joyce Harley on the radio every day. They have such love in their voices for each other, they speak with such kindness and respect, and really listen to each other. I want that kind of love. You can just hear them smiling when they talk to each other.

They are considerate with every caller, too. It's therapeutic just to listen to them.

I just want to be known, seen.

Is that what you're asking?

Please tell us about the 15-20 hours of undivided attention you and your husband spend doing nice things with eachother.

Thank you for the question, HappyHeart!

We had been scheduling time earlier this year - but it was always me asking for the time. It started to feel like nagging/begging, so I quit asking. Then I counted for a few months - we averaged 8 hours/week.

When we do spend time, we go out to eat 1x per week and mainly talk about work. This can be fun but sometimes monotonous. We go shopping together sometimes (2x or so per month) and that makes us happy because he or I will get something new, so that's fun. We also have symphony season tickets, so 1x per month we get dressed up and go there - but we don't really interact during the performance (supposed to be quiet).

We've tried working out together - did P90X over the summer - but we don't enjoy the same types of exercise. I love yoga/pilates and he likes more cardio exercise.

Does going to church count? I've never thought it did, since we spend the time around our friends there - not really giving each other UA.

We go on drives on warm weekends in the summer, which he loves - we have a little convertible. I enjoy it, but don't consider it UA because we can't talk when we're in the car: too much happening outside, he'll interrupt to point out a truck going by or a bird or something and I get my feelings hurt. So I usually sit in silence listening to him comment on traffic, the weather, etc.

I think the bottom line is the quality of our conversations. I like to go deep, which is not natural for him. I also don't like being interrupted - like the other day when I was sharing about how I miss my dad, getting all choked up (he's dead) and he interrupted to point out a man walking around outside the building. Grrr.

How can we improve our conversations? How do we create times that satisfy both of us - times that I will look forward to, instead of dread?

Thanks for any insight! I know you guys out there know how to put MB into practice - please share your wisdom!

So....anyone have thoughts on this situation? I guess it may not seem 'sensational' but I'd love some insight. We've been struggling with the same problems for a long time now and I'm getting really, really tired....

Have you read these?
Conversation is Boring
Conversation

What do you think?

What are his top EN? Are you meeting them or are you in the state of conflict?

Thanks for writing back, Brainhurts!

"Men and women don't have too much difficulty talking to each other during courtship. That's a time of information-gathering for both partners. Both are highly motivated to discover each other's likes and dislikes, personal background, current
Learn to meet the need of Conversation
interests and plans for the future. But after marriage, many women find that the man who would spend hours talking to her on the telephone, now seems to have lost all interest in talking to her, and spends his spare time watching television or reading."

This is us. No longer is conversation spent "investigating or informing each other," and getting his undivided attention is often difficult. It's not so much "boring" as non-existent.

We are in withdrawal. His main problem is, "your expectations are too high." Mine is our issues that I'd like to work on. We just got back from vacation where we spent no UA at all - all kids.

He asked to sleep in our bed tonight, but I told him I'm not comfortable being near him (he slept on the couch last night for the first time). He wants me to sleep on the couch because his back hurts. I told him I don't want to sleep on the couch, so he said he'll move out tomorrow.

I'm scared.

So what are you going to do for him?

Why wouldn't you let him back in the bed?

How are you going to work on getting out of withdrawl?

Three States of the Mind in Marriage

You do want to stay married, correct?

Do you want to put in the real work? You're here and your husband is not so it has to start with you, correct?

Part of me wants to be married - but much of me doesn't. It's been a pretty difficult 3 years. I guess you could say that I'm ambivalent.

What I really want is for him to show his care for me and this marriage. I wish he was the one posting here, trying to help us. It's exhausting always being the one trying.

Then again, if I don't try, who will? I went downstairs and talked to him. He said he's willing to do counseling - we'll have to over-the-phone it w. S. Harley since no counselors here do the MB principles. It's very expensive, but it would be worth it if we could actually have a loving relationship.

I'll go talk to him again and see if he'll come up...Thanks again for your reply and good questions, Brainhurts.

Brainhurts, you asked about his top needs and how I'm meeting them. Tops are SF, RC and Admiration. We go out and do fun things whenever he wants, he doesn't ask for much SF but I never say no. Admiration is tougher - he has been doing things for 1.5 years that I do not admire, and I can't say that I find him admirable. So, he's not getting much of that lately.

In HNHN, Dr. Harley suggests developing interest in HIS interests, as a way to help conversation. Does he have any interests that you've identified, and tried to get smart on?

Coaching with the Harleys is well worth the money. You said it, you will have to drive this marriage to a wonderful marriage.

From what I understand is that Steve Harley is very good with getting husbands on board.

Keep us updated.

You have read this How to meet Emotional Needs?

Radio Clip about how to complain in your marriage

This was a good radio clip from The Harleys on how to complain properly. The husband is in the state of withdraw.

What do you think?

Thanks Brain Hurts, for the radio clip and the article!

I heard the clip on today's show...it was good. I am a little nervous to do the Plan A thing then separating, mainly because of all the complications/financial/splitting stuff up trauma. I am also dreading doing the Plan A part - I just feel sick inside, I can't even make eye contact with him, let alone meet his ENs for 3 weeks...maybe if I talk to S Harley first, he'll be able to motivate me to try.

As to the "complaining properly" segment, I was on the radio twice last year for this very topic: Dr. Harley encouraged me to continue complaining "respectfully."

Yes, my H is tired of the complaining. His problem is that I complain. Mine is the things I complain about. He thinks its disrespectful to tell him that certain actions hurt me. He believes the POJA is "flawed," and he has great resentment about 'giving up' things that are important to him - he calls giving things up a Love Buster.

Sad Dude - I have tried picking topics he likes - work is one. But it gets monotonous talking about this one thing. And he constantly interrupts me, doesn't listen, and cuts me off to point out inane things happening around us. It's not that we can't figure out what to talk about: it's that he has a hard time being a listener, empathizing, or staying focused. We both suspect that maybe he's ADD, but understanding it doesn't make it better.

OK - I will call Steve tomorrow & ask if he thinks there is hope. I am pretty wiped, but if he can actually get my H on board, I will try.

Thanks so much for the feedback! It helps so much to have others looking at this situation, and encouraging me.

I'm so glad you are going to call Steve.

Keep up the hard work and you will reap the benefits.

Does your husband want to stay married?

Hi BrainHurts!

Thank you. I'm not sure I'm working hard, other than staying polite. He is distant, so am I. We had dinner alone together, and I kept the conversation very light and pleasant, even when he changed the subject abruptly after I'd shared something personal. I thanked him for a fun evening.

But when we got home, he left and went to read alone. I put the kids to bed and he came upstairs 2 hours later without a word to me, laid down and started snoring. I'll sleep elsewhere, since I feel less lonely when I'm alone than when he's near, but not "here" you know?

I'm not sure if he wants the marriage. I know he wants happiness (don't we all?) but his version of a happy marriage is one with no complaints, where he gets to do whatever he wants and his wife is fine with it all. I think he wants to be married to himself, since he understands himself, his feelings, his desires. I can't blame him for this. I am very different than him, and it's surely difficult to accommodate someone with very different feelings. But I don't think I'm worse than most women - I think I'm pretty normal. And I work hard to accommodate him, though his feelings are very different. I just don't understand why it's not going both ways?


Anyway, I did write again to Dr. Harley and Joyce. I am part of the MB "Radio Family" since I've been on, so my hope is they'll help me understand my next steps.