I know one thing that helped me tremendously with my AO (besides Dr. Harely telling me that no one makes me have an AO but myself) was how WH responded to me about the issue.

If he responded positive and didn't DJ me I started to get a handle on this. Also Dr. H told me when my WH was having his AO and wanted to argue that it takes two to argue and so I would walk away.

If affection is a top need for her as is conversation that will depend alot on how you are to her.

She is very lucky that you are working so hard on your marriage and you're lucky that she isn't a reluctant wayward. I know it is difficult when you're in the trenches and your taker starts showing it's head, but you are staying with it and seem to be making progress.

What do you think you can do to be more positive to her? I find when my WH does something that I know I want to DJ I find a reason to exit the room or conversation and take a deep breath.
Dr. Harely has a radio segment about anger management 101 and he talks about this techinique.

So what would you do differently with your fight from last night? What did you do today or last night to compensate for your part in the fight?

Do you two keep talking about the affair?

Usually the affair comes up when she lacks/seemingly lacks desire. I just feel like I can't compete with the excitement of the affair and really feel undesired. We are working on trying different stuff, cause she's always been very conservative with me in the bedroom. I'm actually in the best shape of my life and I've seen the two OM, so it's not looks I'm lacking, I guess just LB deposits. I just try to keep my head up, I am feeling a lot better since the polygraph.

You do know that once you get everything out about the affair you should never talk about it again? Dr. Harley talks about this on the radio show today.

Are you still obsessed about the affair? That will do a number on your self esteem. You're hitting the gym. What else can you do for yourself?

Have you read this awesome article by Dr. H?
Age old question How can a man get more sex?

Also could your wife have a sexual aversion?
How to overcome a Sexual Aversion

Also everytime you DJ or fight you're making withdraws from her lovebank.

What state of marriage do you think you're in? Intimacy, conflict or withdraw?

Have you done the marital problem analysis?

Intimacy, no we haven't done that yet. We rarely argue anymore.

Did you see my questions from the above post?

The marital problem analysis isn't just about fighting it rates all the EN's from both you and your wife.

You should try it out it's very good.
Marital Problem Analysis

I saw the questions.....

Yeah, I know talking about the affair is an LB and I try not to

SF is no.7 on top ten, but during her affair, she was initiating and participating every weekend, but does not initiate EVER with me.

She doesn't think she has an aversion.

I do seem to obsess about it when she hasn't met my needs for several days in a row. I don't know what else to do.

We did the marital problem analysis, a little productive

INTERNAL_PAIN,

One thought that helped me understand my Ws lack of desire, is that she sees me as a husband and a father and not as a lover. Getting back to that role will be easier for you than me, I hope, since you caught it early and while you are young.

She is not exercising and is sick again which is really LBing me, cause she doesn't feel like SF.

Yea, I hate to say it, but my W seemed almost happy to get gyncological problems, and it seems more like denial and avoidance than an aversion, almost like a form of sexual suicide that helps her cope with the guilt.

Yeah, I know talking about the affair is an LB and I try not to,... but during her affair, she was initiating and participating every weekend, but does not initiate EVER with me.

It's a bit like telling someone not to think about something.

The initiating I just don't know, but again it's almost like my W puts me in a different category of humanity, and since that form of humanity gives unconditional love she does not have to work for it.

Slightly confused here was she initiating with you as a result of being stimulated by OM, or initiating with OM?

God Bless
Gamma

Are you struggling with triggers or managing memories?

When you discuss with your wife that you need SF met, what does she say?

You say she is all in on recovering your marriage but won't meet your need for SF. Is she really being O&H to you?
If you truly are in a state of intimacy then she should want to meet your needs.
Have you thought about emailing the radio show?

You say she's tired a lot. Has she had a check up? Blood work?

I can tell you are down(depressed). Have you been to the doctor?

Gamma,

Initiating with OM.

BH,

No, I haven't been to the Dr.. If I take any type of psychotropic drugs I would lose my clearance and potentially be separated from the service due to manning draw downs. So, I just have to suck it up and find other ways to deal with it.
I wouldn't say my wife isn't willing, but she lacks desire. Requires a lot of oral stimulation from me prior to actual intercourse. Like I said, she never initiates with me and that part hurts.

Ok I see about the meds and that is a tough one.

So what else can you do for yourself?
Did you read the chapter from HN/HN about what a women sometimes needs for "stimulation"?

Listen to this radio clip about 4:52 in. It's from a guy who needs more desire from his wife.

Radio Clip on A Husband needs more desire for SF from his wife

Tell me what you think.

Can you call the show? Can you coach with the MB coaching center?

What does your wife say when you tell her you need her to initiate sometimes?

I listened to the clip. Sounds just like our case, but I found the answer very disappointing. We've read HNHN's and LB's and SAA. Maybe I just need to get her a testosterone patch. Just kidding.

She knows about my need for her to initiate sometimes, but she has not up to this point. Shes tired of talking about it to the point that it is a LB now. So I quietly suffer hoping and waiting.

I'm going to email the show. The coaching is currently financially out of the question. I just need to give her some time maybe.... I don't know.

INTERNAL_PAIN,

I know it's natural to focus on the BS recovery, but really it may just take two years from the last DDay for your W to come back to 100% with you. This isn't fair that you have to pay for her crime for that time, but I'm not sure there is any magic pill to speed it up.

You might take some comfort that most BS are not as lucky as you were to find out, and find MB, they end up with a wounded marriage that goes on that way for years.

You may feel that you are losing years of your sex life or at the very least suffering with a lower quality, I feel that too and it's one of my most persistent regrets. You might want to think that the years you will be able to spend with your DD, that would never have happened if you got divorced,will compensate for that.

God Bless
Gamma

Good keep us updated on when you hear back from the Harleys.
Will your wife talk to them also? They love it when they can talk to the couple.

So what else are you doing for you? Anyone in RL to talk to?

How are you doing on conversation with your wife?
You know better than me that you have to stay focused and keep up with the hard work. Also be kind to yourself, recovery can be more diificult than the affair.

Just wanted to point out that there are some natural remedies/herbs that might help your mood without having to use meds. St. John's Wort is one and 5-HTP is another. Do some research and maybe try something like that.

BH,

RL? I don't know what that stands for.

Doing better on the IC. I don't really do anything else for myself, not much time.

Gamma,

Once again, you are right.

Talk to you later,
IP

In real life. Do you have the support?

Also will your wife join in the phone call to the Harleys?

Also have you read this?
Recovering Sexual Desire after an Affair