Hello to you all,
I am new to the marriage builders as I only found it today while looking for info on marriage problems.

A few months ago my wife said to me that she wants to separate as she no longer feels "in love" with me and the thought of being romantic on intimate with me all but makes her sick. We have two small kids and I had noticed after the birth of my daughter (22 months) that she had begun a slow withdrawal of intimacy especially sex and when it happened it was because I 'begged' her for it. I thought that this was just due to tiredness or lack of interest in sex but now I see it was more than that.

The last few months since this revelation have not been good and I can admit that I have taken the news badly and feel I have pushed her further away. We are going through conselling but it is not helping. She all but left the other day but I convinced that we should try to build a friendship and see where that goes so she relented but I feel she will still separate just at a later date. I want a wife not a platonic friend.

The ideas expressed on this website really interest me and I really want to give them a go but my wife does not and will not read or listen to any info I find. I understand affection is not possible for her now and am willing to give her space on that but without it I feel we will become brother and sister and therefore make recapturing these feelings harder in the long run.


HELP!!!!!

I am sorry you are having trouble in your marriage.


The things you have described are classic signs of an affair. Definitely snoop around and see what it happening when you are not around. Check phone records and slap a keylogger on any computer she uses. Take a look at the "operation investigate" forum for guidance.

Meanwhile, most marriage counseling is useless. Often, couples will sit around talking about what is wrong in their marriage and feel worse afterwards. Instead of counseling with someone who does not know what they are doing, get two of Dr. Harley's books - "Lovebusters" and "His Needs, Her Needs for Parents".

AM

nb1712, I am sorry, but it is very likely your wife is having an affair. She has made all the classic statements of a woman in an affair, wants to "separate," she loves you but is not in love with you. The latter statement means she has a new point of comparison.

Do not ask her. Just quietly start snooping on her. If she uses a computer, install eblaster on it. If she has a cell phone, install spyware on it. eblaster also has cell phone spyware that is very good.

When you get the goods, don't accuse her or let on that you know. Come back here with the evidence and we will help you save your marriage.

I am sorry this is happening to you, but we have saved many marriages from this. Don't despair!

Thanks for the replies. My first thought when all this happened was that she was seeing someone else as well especially as she spends a minimum 2 hours at the gym every week night. So I did do some investigating and I am fairly confident that she is not having an affair and I dont think she has met someone she wants to be with.

During all this she constantly tells me how controlling and manipulative I have been for years and I must admit that I do like to be in control of my life and our finances and have in the past questioned her about silly purchases or have reasted badly to her wanting to constantly go out drinking with friends without me.

I have taken all this on board and have made a conscious effort to not be this way over the last year or so but still nothing from her.

I want her to try this program out but she wont even read the basic concepts of the website. She has quit on the relationship and will not listen to anything anyone says about it.

You're missing something. Does she work? She is most definitely having an affair. Have you started going to the gym with her? Her affair partner may be there.

When she gets ready to go work out, go with her (don't tell her ahead of time.) Tell her you want to start working out with her. Don't let her tell you No.

See who's at the gym. I can almost guarantee the OM is there.

+1

If she goes straight from work, show up.

I have snooped through her phone and her facebook account in the past and have found no evidence of an affair so I still doubt this is the case but I will suggest working out together and see what the reaction is.

Putting and affair to the side. How should I start rebuilding my marriage?

Unless the husband's actions have risen to the level of "abuse", wives do not run FROM someone; they run TO someone.

She's having an affair, and she's probably already fairly well invested in it.

I suggest you click "notify" at the bottom of this note and request that the mod on duty moves this to the SAA board.

Nb1712, it's important that you step it up and do a better job of sleuthing if you want to save your marriage. In order to rebuild your marriage you must first root out the affair. Put some spyware on her phone and hire a PI. A PI can get the goods in a couple of days.

WHAT? You can't 'put the affair to the side and rebuild your marriage. Are you kidding? You're going to have to end the affair before you can have any hope of rebuilding your marriage. I think you're wondering what to do in the meantime: Go here: Plan A

NB, this is another red flag for an affair. Women who desire to go out drinking with friends without their husband on a regular basis are looking for attention from other men. You had every right to react badly to this - it was you wanting to protect your marriage.

The reason why people are telling you to find the affair is that you won't be able to do anything to save your marriage until the affair has stopped. So, if there is one, step one is to find and expose it. Many people are very good at hiding affairs and do things that seem out of character to hide them like having a separate cell phone, going to the affair partner's house instead of the gym, etc.

Ok. Lets clear up a few things. The post about drinking with friends was badly worded and these are things from several years ago. My point was that I know I have reacted badly and jealously to some situations and as such my wife is justified to make comments about me being controlling.

I think it best if one of the moderators just closes this thread as I am becoming annoyed with the responses. I DO NOT BELIEVE MY WIFE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR!

I came to these forums seeking useful information from people who have been through similar situations that I could apply to my marriage to improve our relationship. I have not gotten anything useful and in fact my situation has worsened because my wife has read the replies and has become upset by them. So much so she has once again begun to look for other places to live.

Thank you all

nb,

I'm sorry you are upset by the responses. However, it is pretty obvious to anyone else that something else is going on. I am an athlete and mother to young babies myself, same age too (22 months), never in a million years would I think to spend 2+ hours a night away from my husband and children at the GYM.

If your wife is reading this, then YES I AM TALKING TO HER, you know as well as I do that we young mothers do not spend 2 hours+ a night away at the gym from our husbands and families when our marriages are in trouble, hell, even when our marriages are doing well. So smarten up my dear. Fortunately for you (?), your husband is willing to believe anything but what is obvious.

Nb, we will be here for you if you decide to do more investigation to find out what is really going on. You cannot fix your marriage without eliminating the obvious.

nb's wife, if you are reading, all I can say is you know everyone changes over time, that's part of life. And you and nb are in a place where you can take this process and create a beautiful life together. I know you believed in nb at some point, because he is a man worth believing in. Here he is, the same man, willing to make a new life, a new marriage, with you. You all can do this, together. Whatever you all decide I wish the best for you.

If you decide to separate, please keep an open mind with it, wait and see if the cooling off of separation makes you feel differently.

Thank you NewEveryday for your kind words. All I want is a chance to work things out and for her to really try to rebuild our marriage but she will not do it. I dont undestand why she would not do whatever it takes. Instead she chooses to shut me out and when I suggest things that can help like MB she refuses them. I believe separation is inevitable because she will not let me back into her own INDEPENDENT LIFE.

Ok quick update and further question. Last night we had a good night together, had a couple of drinks, shared a lot of laughs and had fun together. It was good. I would have liked it to progress a bit further to a stage where we would be affectionate together, not necessarily SF as I know she is not there yet but my wife was not interested. Says she does not want that.

We did the EN questionaiire and I have been working hard at meeting all her needs, which of course are the non intimate ones. So I am a little frustrated that she wont even try to start meeting my EN. I have kept that frustration in check as I know this will set us back but any ideas how to get her to want intmacy back in our marriage? DO I just have to be patient and wait for her? If so I am not sure she will ever initiate.

Whoa! I'm not sure where NewEveryDay got her insight. Her response to you is all warm and fuzzy...AND MEANS NOTHING. If your wife is having an affair, it will destroy your marriage. NB, is your wife reading here?

NB, I KNOW you don't want to hear this, my friend. I KNOW you don't want to belive it. I KNOW you want the folks here to give you a work-around and/or a solution to getting the wife you love to be receptive to your efforts.

Honey, it just isn't going to happen in the way you want it to. I say that to you like I would to my own brother or sister. It's just not going to happen.

NB, I KNOW you don't want to believe it, but your wife is involved with someone, even if in her head and heart only. Emotional? Dunno. Physical? Dunno. It may be "over" by now. Meaning, she has broken it off for now.

Are you willing to accept that as a fact?

She read an annoymous forum that is accusing her of a current affair, and and was so freaked that she is going to move out?

Think, man. Think. Is this logical?

NB...............

Hear this: She WILL NOT BE OPEN TO YOUR TRYING TO MEET HER ENs.

Your patience is doing NO GOOD, BUT DOING DAMAGE. You are a doormat to her now. She has no respect for you, and she is not even remotely interested in meeting your ENs.

I'm sorry that this hurts. Please, please listen here. Help is right here...for you and for your wife.

You have to face the fact that your wife is COMPARING YOU to OM. He is her hero. It makes zero difference what you do now. Until you address this, expose and make this dude a part of your compost pile figuratively.

You are giving in to him, your WW sees OM as a good guy. YOU are the secondary prize. Get that?