If i was advising your husband i would tell him to watch you even more closely.
I would tell him what NeverGuessed said above as well.
You are borderline betraying your Husband with your thoughts.
Emotions follow thoughts. So think about your husband and family and those relationships. DO NOT THINK ABOUT THE FILTH.
You are a "trigger" away from going into relapse.

Get off FB, NOW!!!!

CT, as someone whose own A started on FB, I refuse to use it at all. I can live just fine w/o FB. Everybody in this world lived just fine w/o FB not so very long ago.

The important thing here is that your husband obviously loves you, or he would not still be trying to recover with you.

It is a matter of controlling and retraining your thoughts. Whatever keeps OM in the forefront of your mind should be eliminated. If that's FB, then eliminate it. Cut it out like a cancerous growth.

Actually, 20 hours ain't bad, kiddo -- Sure, 25 would be better, but 20 IS enough to catapult you into romantic love territory -- IF, and only IF you are spending those 20 hours meeting the 4 intimate ENs...

As a refresher, those are:

1. Recreational Companionship

2. Intimate Conversation

3. Affection

4. Sexual Fulfillment

On another note, CT -- You are in some rather dangerous territory right now, and I want you to be mindful of it -- vigilant. Remember, YOU have the power to control your thoughts and actions. I don't like to talk about OM to you at all, but I don't want to be all cryptic either -- What I mean is, until last night you thought OM "betrayed" you by telling your husband about your affair -- That enabled you to see him as a scoundrel [and he IS, CT, he is]. My fear is that now you will allow your thoughts to paint OM in a new and favorable light -- NOOOOOOOOO, do NOT go there. He's still a rattlesnake, CT -- just as poison to you and your family as ever.

Lastly, [and *sheepishly*] GULP... Yes, Mr. W did tell me that I had an email from you -- I really did intend to email you back -- HONEST! I suck eggs when it comes to email -- I'm terrible at it -- totally drives my mom NUTS -- I'm the same way about voice mails. I really do always have good intentions, I just get - ermmmmmm - "sidetracked". Right now, we are prepping for an upcoming vacation -- And weeeeellllll...See, I have this thing about packing -- I'm completely anal about it, and it takes me FOREVAH! Mel can attest to this -- She and her hubby have gotten big laughs over my packing obsession... I know, I know, it ain't normal, but it's who I is!

Mrs. W

Hmmmmmm CT, I don't like the sound of:

"Not sharing any of my drama with BH.

He knows I'm posting on MB but that's about it."

It makes the two of you sound incredibly disconnected, imo.

Perhaps Mr. W and I are odd, but we did share ALL the ups and downs of recovery with each other. I remember telling him how I felt when I found out that I didn't really know all the circumstances surrounding the end of the affair -- and I remember telling him that I knew my feelings about it were completely ridiculous -- that I had no right to feel the way I did at all, but I *did* feel those feelings, so I shared that with him. I guess my point is, we talked CT -- about EVERYTHING -- We still do -- it keeps us close and bonded.

Next...UA time "when the kids go to bed" doesn't really cut it. The two of you need to be GOING OUT TOGETHER. Get a sitter -- OFTEN. When you guys first fell in love, what kind of things were you doing together? I'll wager it didn't include putting some kids to bed, and then exhaustively plopping down next to him on the couch wearing ratty sweatpants with your hair in a scrunchie, huh? Nope, didn't think so. Girl, you gotta get some game when it comes to your marriage...Go back in time together -- recreate your courtship -- it's very worth it!

And kids activities? If those are getting in the way of the two of you getting enough ***QUALITY*** UA time, then those activities must stop. Your children will benefit far more from having two parents madly in love with each other in a thriving marriage than they ever will from little league soccer, baseball/softball or cheerleading, etc.

Mrs. W

P.S. Facebook is a huge time suck - no loss getting rid of it, imo. I'm still convinced that the full ramifications of facebook have yet to be seen. I predict a whole lot of people are gonna be a whole lot of sorry that they put all that they have out there... Or maybe I just need to get a new tinfoil hat...or both!

Thanks, Mrs. W,
There is no denying that I am vulnerable right now but I am fighting it like a mad woman

I appreciate your taking the time to write so much and I intend to follow your advice.

It's nice when someone else can put your own jumbled thoughts into a coherent sentence. Thank you for that!
CT

Nooooooo CT, you ain't gettin' off that easy...That was a nice polite, standard "yeah, yeah blow off" post from you to me, and that just doesn't cut the mustard. NO. I need specifics. Spare me the "I'm just busy at work" speech. I won't buy it.

*A lot of people here have put in a lot of time posting to you specifically about facebook and you have avoided that subject like the plague. Why is that? I want to hear your objections. All of them. Spill it, Missy.

*What are you guys doing during UA time? Is it always at home? Or at least mostly at home? Is it watching T.V. together? We can't help you, if you don't give specifics.

*What does your kids' activity schedule entail? How much time does that take up? Are you counting the time the two of you are at games and activities together as UA time?

Mrs. W

P.S. I strongly suspect that you still think of "your OM" as "special and different" and this latest revelation has served to solidify that notion in your head. It's bullcrap, CT. He is the SAME as ALL OMs. Sleeping with a married woman is flat out scummy. It says that he had not one iota of respect for you -- it says that he thought of you as a common HO -- a dirty little secret. I'd bet all the oil in the Middle East that he wouldn't be okay with his Momma or daughter being treated as he treated you. That tells the story, I'd say. Think about that.

I'm not blowing you off, Mrs. W.
No way.....your advice has been too valuable for me.
I'm just so dang disoriented and can't stand myself right now that I never know how to respond.

As far as FB, the only thing visible to the public is my professional website. Everything is restricted to my friends and BH has password. POSOM and his friends/family are blocked. Yea, sure, I could unblock him in 2 seconds but you cannot RE-block someone for 48 hours, so I'd be taking a huge risk in my BH seeing that I unblocked him. FB is something that BH and I are going to discuss. I will, most likely, get rid of my page.

As far as UA time.......anything I say will sound like bull. So, I don't try to defend it. We have from about 8 to 10 at night (BH gets home at 7 or 8)weeknights; although, we try to get a sitter every Thursday so we can go out on a date.

We sometimes will go on weekend dates as well. We've done several B and B trips (having another one beginning of April).

The kids activities don't really matter because that's all on me. BH is at work during their activities. Weekends are basically left open.

I know my thoughts and feelings are irrational. I'm just trying to work through them. I haven't been able to verbalize them (you did that for me!). I'm trying to treat this as a trigger and work through it.

BH and I are working the MB program that you suggested during our UA time. We've been a bit slow about it but we're doing it. We avoid the TV. We sometimes play board games or just talk or SF (like last night!).

Yes, my mind is trying to fool me into thinking that POSOM really loved me, blah, blah, blah.....but I know I can control my thoughts and it's all a bunch of crap.

I do NOT check up on him in any way. I have not FB'ed him or googled him or anything. There is no point in doing so because I still want to fall back in love with my H.

Oh, and POSOM treats his mom and sister (he has no kids)like doggie doo-doo. Tells them to F-Bomb off, so these are the images I have been trying to recall when my mind tries to fool me.

Is this better??

Do you have any objects, are you listening to any songs, which might be triggering your memory?

WHAT is triggering your thought processes to "go there?"

You need to track and eliminate those things, or reassociate them completely.

HHH,
No momentos. I am reassociating.........

CT

if you are still being triggered THIS FAR OUT, wouldn't you have to say that FB is a big part of the problem? Just blocking the OM does not stop you from seeing his page if you log out. You can go see him every day. Blocking him will not stop that. Just the fact that you have to block him on a social networking site would be enough to keep you triggered. I don't understand why you would take this risk?

I think you know very well why you are being triggered this far out but are not coming clean about it. You are working too hard to protect that stupid facebook page and that tells me ALOT.


So, ONE "date night" and the rest of it is just being in the same house when he gets home tired and exhausted from work. What it takes is FOUR date nights in 4 blocks of 4 hours.

This is not in the least credible. You will be tempted when you are on facebook and you probably do give into that temptation often. There is a REASON why you are so triggered this far out. You are telling me the alcoholic who goes the bar every day and stares at the beer promises to never take a drink but shows up drunk from time to time. Your continual triggering tells me you are taking an occasional drink and are not being honest about it.

Mel,
I'm not holding anything back from you. I WISH I knew why I keep getting triggered. I hate it.

I'm listening to the radio show and Dr. H is mentioning the depths of affairs and triggers and recovery. It seems the longer and more entrenched the affair......the longer it takes to recover.

Maybe I should try his "flooding" idea??
CT

Oh, and I can google him at anytime and I have NOT......

I know that FB is not the only way to check up on him.

I've been able to fight it for 8 months now.

Great idea!! Call the OM and go out with him!! I bet your husband would love for you to do some "flooding!!" Every waywards DREAM.

What?? NO!!!!!!!!!

That's not what Dr. H says flooding is. He says it's "overtalking" the affair. That you flood the topic and then you get so sick of talking about it that you're over it and have no more triggers towards it.

A great big mystery!!

I am not lying to you. My BH has my computers tapped (even my work computer).

You can continue to think I'm checking up on him but I'm not.

I KNOW I'm not..........

Thats great!! Just keep your husband triggered by waxing on about your affair!

Where does Dr Harley recommend talking about the affair all the time?

It's on today's radio show. Listen to it.

I really respect your opinions but being sarcastic with me doesn't help.

What does "great big mystery" mean?

I don't KNOW that at all. That certainly does not ring true. You are triggered way way more than makes sense. That is just not credible.