Well I guess I should start off by saying I'm new here.

I've been reading dribs and drabs here and there and this site has helped me quite a bit.

Anyway, on to my story:

So my wife of nearly seven years cheated on me recently. Dec 16th, 2011 to be precise. I am at a loss because of the events leading up to the cheating.

Fri. 16th Dec - She was at a party that night. What kills me is that I went down to that party that night and begged and pleaded with her to come home. I began to have a serious panic attack. She told me that she was fine and that she was just going to have a few drinks and crash at the party which was at her best friends house. She told me she loved me and all that jazz. Normally I wouldn't have a problem with that but that night I just felt something was really amiss. I was in such bad shape I could barely drive away. I had to crash at a friends house who lived a block away.

Sat. 17th Dec - The next morning I went home and had a nap. My wife came home and I asked her about the night. She was very nonchalant about the whole thing and acted as if nothing happened. However in text messages with her later that day she was very combative (uncharacteristically so) about her spending the night and not being able to party (which is completely tomfoolery, I usually let her do all that sort of stuff).

I really got the heebie-jeebies about the whole thing. That night I went through her purse and her digital camera because I couldn't sleep. I found pictures that were alarming, but rather innocent. So I checked her cell phone. She had deleted all her text messages which really, really set off all my alarm bells.

Sun. 18th, Dec - She decided to go to Karaoke at a local bar. I asked her why she didn't invite me. She said I could go, so I hatched a plan. The plan was to invite a friend so that I could move about the bar as much as I wanted to arousing the least amount of suspicion as to what I was doing and how much alcohol I was providing my wife. The idea is that the friend would also provide some moral support if things turned ugly. Turns out, none of my friends could make it, given that it was a Sunday night. So I had to improvise. I spent my last $30 to my name providing my wife and her friends with drinks.

At the end of the night I drove her friends home and took my wife home. After I dropped off her friends my wife was behaving a little odd. Firstly I noticed that she opted to stay in the backseat of the car behind me. Secondly, I noticed that she was texting quite heavily on her cell phone. The texting isn't that abnormal for her right after a night with friends, but something was different. Thirdly, the conversation got a little bit odd, particularly the subject matter of her wedding ring and the events leading up to the party she went to.

So I did the usual ablutions before going to bed. I laid there, I felt like I was going to have another panic attack but I held it together. I waited and waited until I heard my wife snoring (Haha, yes women snore!). I then quietly got out of bed and sneaked my way over to her side of the bed where her cell phone rests. She was clutching it in her hands. I managed to slide it out and check the contents. In it I found text messages to the kid (Yes, KID... 21 years old) that she had slept with on the 16th.

I found all kinds of hurtful things in there and he even went so far as to send her a picture of his penis after she requested several times for one.

The texts go as follows:

WW: Hahaha we're at the quinny! Wish you were here!! Just wanna say your hot! Hahaha drunk texting is the best! Lol
OM: Haha I wish I was there
WW: It's packed!!!! Good times!!! You have to come next time! I need eye candy
OM: Haha ill see what I can do lol
WW: You better....
WW: You started something that's hard to stop.... Hahaha sorry!!!
OM: What did I start
WW: Oh you know.... Lol seriously! God I'm evil! I hope We 're cool?
OM: Yeah we are
WW: You're F***ing hot! I sometimes think it was all a dream! Lol
OM: Haha I'm not that hot common
WW: Seriously why don't you think that way? You are!!! Don't be like that!!!
OM: Lol
WW: Send me a picture?
OM: Of
WW: You know... I promise i wont show anyone!
WW: Come on.... Pretty please!....
OM: well you might lol
WW: I might what?
WW: ?
WW: Am i annoying you?
WW: I'm waiting... lol
OM: Lol no I was munchin out lol
OM: And you mioght get caught with it on your phone
WW: I won't! Please just do it I'm a pro at hiding [censored]! I need to see it!
WW: Yeah i know sounds bad...
OM: *Insert photo of penis*
WW: Omg! You just made my night! I'll be dreaming of you tonight! Lol
OM: Your welcome
OM: No more
WW: K
WW: Hahaha i love it
WW: It's all good I'm keeping that pic
OM: Lol
WW: Whatcha doing?
OM: Juzt going to pAss out here
WW: Good night
OM: G-night


After backing up all of this I took the picture and printed it out. On it I scrawled in black felt:

"You need to come clean with me and stop lying.

Love YOUR HUSBAND NotMyUserName"

Then I taped it to the bathroom mirror.

Then I got in my car, drove to a friends house. Around 6:00 AM after not being able to sleep I called my wife on her cell. I told her to go look in the bathroom then I hung up.

Unbeknownst to me I pretty much played this as best I could and surprisingly close to the suggestions on this site.

I left the house for several days, but I made sure that she was exposed. I made sure her Mother and Step Father knew, her brother and sister-in-law. I made sure that her best friend knew that I knew that she knew. I pretty much made it very clear to all the people important in our lives what had transpired (save the really slimy details).

She wasn't going to tell me at all. She told me when I confronted her that she wasn't going to tell me until after New Years, maybe even never.

What is worse is that I found out later after confronting her about the whole thing was that she was also doing cocaine at the party. She tried to TT/Gas Light me on the whole subject, but I had enough proof to get the whole story.

We have decided to get back together. I am worried though that she might have taken things underground. I feel like this just might be me being irrational, but how does one know for sure?

I have asked her for no contact. She has slipped up slightly as she was creeping on this kids new girlfriend on Facebook which I consider contact.

I have put into place some precautions such as a keylogger on her P.C. etc...

Any pointers?


P.S. this whole situation kind of has a silver lining. Had I not found out, and my wife would have continued her behaviour leading up to Christmas I would have committed suicide. This whole thing has caused me to really examine how I have been living (or not living) my own life.

Hang tight till the vets come along. My phone is about to die, too, drat. So sorry, man.

Did you gain support from expsure trgets? What are they asking of your wife? What are you asking her to do?

How about exxposure on OMs side? There's no way that cocky loser will stick around to take much heat. Run him off.

Have you read the exposure 101 thread?

Hello and welcome to the best place to be in your circumstances.


Did you expose also to OM side (his parents etc)? If not, you should do that immediately.

What were the conditions (that you presented to your WW) to continue the marriage?

You are not irrational, of course you should snoop. I think you did not get the full truth. These texts above made me thinking that it was not her first time. Consider polygraph as one condition.

To be honest, you two should get rid of the FB. Create common account or something.

How old are you, do you have kids?

I haven't really gotten much support. I know the In-laws are dissatisfied with my wife, but they are the type to brush things under the carpet. I have been a very devout son-in-law to them which makes it that much more agitating.

I have read the exposure 101 thread. Sadly, the OM is really just a kid who showed my wife some affection and gave her some cocaine. He has a parent in our town. I am unsure as to the address/phone of the OM's parent.


Sorry, I should have posted this info:

BH - 30
WW - 29
No kids, unless you consider a cat a kid.

I want to get rid of all that crap, but most importantly the cell phones as that seemed to be one of the ways she contacted the OM. I feel cell phones are a crazy hazard for both myself and already proven my WW.

I see a huge problem with her workplace. She has been a waitress at the same restaurant for 14 years or so where she works with many young people who:

a.) Are not married
b.) Are teenaged to young adults
c.) Party a lot (and all the accoutrements that go with that)
d.) Has a lot of free time

All of this constitutes what I consider bad influences for someone of our age.

I have asked my wife to:

1.) Not lie anymore. Period. End of story.
2.) No contact with OM - EVER.
3.) Spend more time with me.
4.) Discuss problems with me in our marriage.
5.) No more drugs.

I am having a hard time with the drugs, she seems to be smoking marijuana quite regularly which is something I don't approve of because she often drives while under the influence, becomes quite lazy and is very off-putting. Before we were married she didn't smoke much in the way of marijuana (if at all).

I live in a fairly remote area so getting a polygraph is pretty much out of the question. The thing is, she thinks she a pro at hiding things, but she really is bad at covering her tracks and also she is a terrible liar. So easy to detect.

Do you have goals of starting a family?

Is this really who you want to be the mother of your children? Almost 30, doing cocaine, cheating, partying harder than most do in their late teens/early 20's? Driving under the influence?

How long have you been married?

Up until recently, yes. I have always wanted children. I have wanted to have children for a very long time - with my wife.

She tells me this was her first time doing cocaine, and her last.

Where I come from in the world smoking marijuana is socially acceptable but still illegal.

We have been married almost seven years. Our seven year anniversary will be June 25th.

Hey, I am originally from Vancouver British Columbia so believe me, I'm not here to go on about the evils of pot, but I think, as a minimum, you will need to put off any idea of starting your family for quite some time (ie. ESTABLISHED recovery and not just the start). I only say that as a mother myself.

She MUST quit her job at a minimum. This cannot be an option for her.

I am on Vancouver Island.

I am working on that. Last time I pushed her comfort level was disastrous to say the least.

Her comfort level is to act like a 17 year old single girl and live life partying.

Here is where you need to decide what you are willing to live with in your marriage.

Are you willing to live with her continuing life as a single party girl?

Or, are you willing to tell her that you have boundaries, that she MUST follow EPs (extraordinary precautions) including leaving her job, OR ELSE SHE WILL LOSE YOU.

Right now, you seem to think you can tell her not to behave like a party girl and eventually she will become an honest loyal wife/mother. That's not going to happen until you take a stand and DEMAND she removes herself from the environment that encourages this behaviour.

I'm afraid if she continues to work in this environment then truly, you will always be at risk of repeat behaviour.

Right now, if you do not define your boundaries, she will know that she can do whatever the hell she wants and you will always take her back.

If she cannot leave her job then she does not respect your marriage or you as a husband. And you will be wasting the best years of your life dealing with this pain over and over. You are only 30 - you need to decide what kind of marriage you really want in life.

I am well aware of her comfort zone... I am doing my best, trust me on this one.

It looks like I am just going to have to smite her with the proverbial hammer.

She has been rather agreeable as of late. I know that I will have to impose more, which won't go over well.

I know I am strong enough to drop the hammer.

As she is now, she isn't wife material. She would need to make and KEEP making major changes before you should even consider staying with her. What you just said about imposing shows that you need to understand and internalize the difference between control and boundaries.

Control: "You must do what I say, or else."

Boundary: "My life is not going to include adultery, drug use, illegal activity, etc. If you choose those things, you are choosing to no longer be a part of my life. It's entirely up to you which you decide."

Control tries to make other people do what you want.

Boundaries recognize that you can only control yourself, and what influences you allow in your life.

Neak is on the same path I was about to take.

You cannot have any idea (because you haven't been through it) of the length and difficulty of the struggle you will be undertaking to convince an otherwise-unremorseful WW to truly come back to your marriage. Your condition is made that much worse by her drug addictions (First time cocaine? AYFKM?) and dismissive attitude toward her betrayal. Additional factors in your case working against your succeeding is the tepid support from her family, and what comes across in your story of your own non-substantial psychological makeup.

Given the orientation of her attitude, the absence of children (and now the delay which would be necessary to trust her with anything as precious as your offspring), your relatively young age and length of marriage, you should seriously think of JUST GETTING OUT!

She ain't "marital prime" marterial, dude.

I'm sorry you are having problems.


Dr. Harley encourages spouses of addicts to join Al-Anon (if your wife is using cocaine she is a drug addict and she sounds like an alcoholic): http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5048a_qa.html

Surviving An Affair, by Dr. Harley lists three types of affairs: one night stands, semi-emotional attachments and the soulmate affairs.It sounds like your wife likes to have one night stands, while drunk and high.

Personally, I would be more concerned about the drug and alcohol use before the affairs. I assume she probably bounces checks, cant hold down a job...and many other traits addicts show. If not, her addictions will eventually control her and she WILL hit rock bottom.

Any additional issues, such as substance abuse, place a big red X over Plan A. Plan A is worse than useless for an abuser - it will actually harden them in their downhill path.

You should make a plan of what you would need for her to do in order for you to consider staying with her. That would need to include rehab and an accountability program, in addition to all the adultery-related items like No Contact and Extraordinary Precautions.

If she's not willing to do EVERYTHING, and keep doing it, you have her move out and go to Plan B.

@ Neak. Yeah, first time. Her best friend and the guy she slept with enticed her into it. No I am not [censored] kidding you... as you would put it.

I am not exactly enthused with her best friend. We are cordial at best right now.

I am not going to lie, I have use drugs recreationally, but I left that all behind in my early twenties. At worst I did acid once and smoked a LOT of pot as a youth (age 12-16).

@HDW

Did you miss the part where I posted she has had the same job going on 14 years?

The alcohol and drugs were definately a factor in her poor desicion making.

Yes, right now my mental state isn't quite solvent, but I think you will find me cooly rational. I need to be, my life demands it.

She is a 29 year old married woman, if she is going to be present at parties and be 'enticed' into doing cocaine, then it is simply her own doing. If you choose to mitigate her choices in these things, then she will never be accountable.

Part of the reason MB is a successful program is because it requires the sanctity of the marriage to be placed above all else.

Which means getting rid of the job AND the friends who encouraged these things - in other words, her best friend and the others.

If she is incapable of doing those things then she makes it clear she is not willing to be the wife and mother you want her to be, that you think she COULD be. Anyone can be anything, but they have to want to be those things.

Welcome to MB, sorry you are here ... however this is the best place to be for situations like yours. YOur getting alot of great advice! ALso you have done pretty much what MB would expect you to do. You SHOULD expose this POSOM to his parents if you havent done so already.

Please listen to the vets .. as they will guide you with what steps to take to kill this affair. Also do NOT tell your WW that you will be exposing OR of this site yet til you are SURE that your ww is in NC with her AP.

ALso noted you (like me) are from the same worldy region! BC FTW!

And get the books "HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS" and "LOVE BUSTERS" and "SURVIVING AN AFFAIR" and then the great work book "5 STEPS TO ROMANTIC LOVE". They will provide much better insight to the MB program and then you will have a much better/easier time understanding the help and advice you recieve here.

Stay calm ... cool and collective (like James Bond). Read ALL you can .. get print outs of the questionairs (available on the site in the navigation at the top) and use them to learn what each of your emotional needs are .. and what your love busters are and begin your STELLAR PLAN A to show your wife that YOU are the man she needs and not some little POS kid.

I agree that her cheating and doing drugs is all on her. I certainly don't condone any of it.

I also agree that she needs to take herself out of her [censored] dead end job as a waitress. Hanging out with teens all day and the like.

WW's best friend is making atonement for the drug use. WW's best friend knows she screwed up, to the point of irreconcilable differences between her and myself. WW's Best friend won't give up cocaine however...

My WW has expressed he extreme displeasure towards the drug use of her best friend.

I am fairly confident that this is the first time my WW has done cocaine. A quick search of her internet history reveals some pretty ridiculous questions about doing cocaine such as:

"Does doing cocaine make your voice hoarse?"
"How much cocaine do you do before you get addicted?"

ETC...


Thanks MrNiceGuy...

Coincidentally, your username is *ahem* quite funny when it comes to smoking pot.

I am pretty sure she is NC with the OM. WW's Best Friend (atonement) and those that I have exposed my WW's cheating to would tell me. WW's friends, some of whom are co-workers know my extreme displeasure of the whole situation.

They have figured out quite quickly that big boy and big girl games aren't as fun as they may have thought.

Was it an MB exposure where you specifically asked them to 'use their influence'? Is it possible they thought you were merely informing them, so they are unsure of their role? They may not help, but if you don't ask, you don't get.

I had the same problem with my MIL. I showed her texts as proof and asked for support. Then she told me OW had been around to tell her that she had 'not been in an A with your son'. She told me that she hadn't known what to say to OW. I told her the whole point of my sharing the proof was that she wouldn't let those lies be told. She then told OW she knew she was lying and told her she would never be welcome in her family. She then started on her son.

Who else in yours/her family or yours/her friends have been asked to help? Surely someone will?

What about your parents? They are critcal targets.



So he would be easy to find then. Sadly just a kid? Its amazing that he's just a punk kid with nothing to offer. That makes exposure success ever more likely. He will drop your wife like the old sock he regards her to be. She needs to see how she is truly regarded by these men.

I am surprised by your attitude toward someone who supplies drugs to and screws your wife. Your wife needs to see you raise all kinds of hell here. Its unloving not to.

She is very foggy and only a full scale nuclear exposure is going to work on someone this entitled. Anything less is like bringing a pea shooter to a nuclear war.

Exposure often brings about the change in attitude in the wayward you desperately need.

Your EPs are also a little weak, even for a one-time cheater whereas your W seems likely to be a serial cheat.

There's no way you can skip a poly. No way at all. You also need transparency as a condition and the MB recovery plan agreed to. You also need no opposite sex friends as a condition.

You need to verify independently using snooping tools. How are they going to know if she has a secret affair phone stashed away?