Copper Wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a Story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists, finding of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers"

One week later. A local newspaper in Texas reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Maypearl, Texas, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless".

Yeehaw!!

A lady walks into an ice cream shop and asks the man at the counter for some chocolate ice cream. the man says "sorry ma'am, we're fresh out". The women says "ok, than just give me some chocolate ice cream please".
The man replies " sorry ma'am, I just told u we're out". the woman than says "really? sigh...ok, than I'll just have some chocolate ice cream".
The man by this point just stares at her for a moment and finally replies "look lady, say 'van' as in vanilla..." the woman replies in a perky voice "ok, van!".
The man then says "ok, say 'straw' as in strawberry..." the lady once again replies cheerfully "straw!".
The man says "good, now say 'FREAK' as in chocolate..." the lady thinks for a moment and then remarks to the man "wait a minute, there's no 'freak' in chocolate!". To this the man replies "THATS WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL U!!!!!"

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. While searching around for them, he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room, and he found himself completely naked in the halls of the world''s most powerful military organization HQ. But, luckily, no one was around to see him.

So, he ran as fast as he could to the elevator. When it arrived, it was empty. He breathed a sigh of relief and got in. When the doors opened on his floor, there was no one waiting outside. "This must be my lucky day," he said to himself. He was now only a few yards from his office.

Suddenly, he heard footsteps coming from around the corner. He heard the General''s voice. There was no way he'd make it to his door in time, so he ducked into the closest office available, and found himself in the laboratory for Research & Development. The Head Scientist looked up from one of her experiments with puzzled interest.

The soldier thought quickly, stood up straight and saluted.

"I am here to report the partial success of the Personal Invisibility Device," he said.

"I see," the Head Scientist said. "But the Shrink Ray seems to be working perfectly."

The Vet and The Doc

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription and handed it to her and said,

"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

*with apology to any good lawyers on MB*

LAWSUIT PARTY ANIMAL
By W. Bruce Cameron

I'm a party in a lawsuit.

A person involved in a lawsuit is called a "party" with the same ironic misuse of language that a person who has been sitting in a doctor's waiting room for 2.5 hours is called a "patient." There's no
party that I can see, though I suppose it is true that everyone there has received a written invitation.

The fun starts with the deposition, a process by which the attorneys for the other side ask a series of mind-numbing questions in an effort to prove that your lawsuit is completely boring. Here's some of
the actual transcript from my deposition:

Opposing Counsel: Now, Mr. Cameron, before we get started, if at any time you feel like you need to use the bathroom, you should advise me, because if I know you are in physical distress I'll enjoy this
more.

Me: Okay.

Opposing Counsel: First question. You're supposedly some kind of humorist, so that must mean you had pretty bad parents, right?

My Attorney: Objection. You have not established that my client even had parents. For all we know, he came out of some kind of worm.

Opposing Counsel: I'll withdraw the question if you'll stipulate that your client is an idiot.

My Attorney: I think that's obvious, so yes, I'll stipulate.

Me: Uh, could I talk to my attorney for a minute?

Opposing Counsel: Sure, if you have something to hide. Otherwise, you'll just answer the question.

Me: What question?

Opposing Counsel: Let the record show that the witness is evasive and ugly.

My Attorney: Plus he has really poor taste in clothing.

Me: Hey!

My Attorney: I can't help it. I think your tie is unethical.

Opposing Counsel: Now Mr. Cameron, let me show you a photograph. Do you recognize the house in this picture?

Me: No.

Opposing Counsel: That's because it's mine. I plan to use the money from my billing on this deposition to make this month's mortgage payment, so I'll need to drag out the proceedings a bit today.

My Attorney: That's okay, I'm saving to buy a sailboat.

Opposing Counsel: So, Mr. Cameron, next question. Do you really believe that you'll recover enough from this lawsuit to even begin paying your attorney fees?

My Attorney: Objection; we've already established my client is an idiot.

Opposing Counsel: Look, if you keep objecting to everything I say we're both just going to make a lot more money, so I suggest you continue doing it.

My Attorney: Can I just say, I have never found you more attractive than I do at this moment.

Me: Yes, I do think I'll recover enough to more than pay my attorney fees.

Opposing Counsel: You are a humorist!

My Attorney: May I speak to my client? I'm getting a little nauseated, here. (To me, whispering.) Hey listen, while doing this I'm going to work on another case so I can double bill, is that okay?

Opposing Counsel: Ha! I can hear you!

Me: No! We're wasting time. Can't you get this thing moving? This is costing a lot of money!

My Attorney: Look, did you buy that tie at a garage sale or something? I mean, lordy.

Opposing Counsel: Lordy pordy pie!

Me: Can we just get on with this, please?

Opposing Counsel: I could hear you the whole time, you know.

Me: I know, that's fine, I don't care.

Opposing Counsel: Have you ever been afflicted with jaundice, boll weevils, a persistent itch in places you can't scratch, knife wounds from someone you don't know, or that gross stuff in the corner of
your eye in the morning?

Me: What does that have to do with anything?

My Attorney: Hang on, I'm the attorney here. Objection, with the exception of the boll weevils, what does this have to do with anything?

Opposing Counsel: We're having a blood drive at work and I wanted to see if he can donate.

Me: No to everything except the eye stuff.

Opposing Counsel: Eew!

My Attorney: That's really gross.

Opposing Counsel: Well, let's take a break here so we can continue billing while we drink coffee.

My Attorney: Good idea!

(Deposition ends)

Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up.

When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained to her how everything worked - how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

today'sTHOT============================

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, but only when the interest is kept up.

=======================================

A man goes skydiving for the first time.

After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the plane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord.

Nothing happens.

He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.

Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

Rail-road tracks.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. This is an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates designed the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's *ss came up with this?' , you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' *sses.)

Now, there's a twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's *ss.

And you thought being a horse's *ss wasn't important?

Ancient horse's *sses control almost everything...

Hi folks, got tired of lurking, here is funnies posted to me on email from my sister.

Gentle Thoughts for Today


Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour�s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at a tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight; by then your body and your fat have become friends.



The easiest way to find something you lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice that the Roman numerals for forty are XL?



If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't yet met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you already know who�s going to be blamed.



The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.



There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I�m sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know why I look like this. I have travelled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of algebra.

You know you�re getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the things no one tells you about growing older is that it is such a nice change from being young.



Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zip. Then you realise that it�s much worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago men cursed and beat the ground with sticks. It was called witchcraft then, but today it's golf.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth. AMEN!

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."

"Try heaven," said the caddy.

"You've already moved most of the earth."

Thanks lil-

That one actually made me laugh out loud!

Older Women Are So Reasonable

After being married for 41 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "41 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old girl...

Now I have a $1,000,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a LCD High Definition TV. But I'm sleeping with a 64 year old woman.

It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises.

This thread deserves regular bumps.

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct
slowdown in system performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery
applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as
Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs
such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV.

Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning triggers a Fatal System
Error. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but I'm getting
nowhere.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate



Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband
is an Operating System. Please download IThoughtYouLovedMe.exe and
Tears.exe, then run them in that order.

If you don't have it already, install the latest version of Guilt. If
that application works, Husband should then automatically start
Jewellery and Flowers, but remember, running the above application too
often can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or
Beer.
Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly
plug-in.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the
background that will eventually gain control of all your system
resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program:
these are unsupported applications and usually crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory
and cannot run new programs quickly. It also tends to work better
running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional
software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.
Hope this helps

Tech Support

I love this thread!

Y'all dont do jokes no more??

Pygmy Hunter

A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pygmy standing beside it.

Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?"

The pygmy said, "Yes."

The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"

"I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"

The pygmy replied, "There's about 60 of us."

Not really a joke, more of a 1 liner.

I was thinking about joining the optimist club, but i dont think they would let me in.

Read the label first!

Some actual product warning labels:

On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!)

On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM
UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Make sense...except these instructions we're IN THE BOX!)

In some countries (like W. Virginia:), on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.

On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
( Now THAT I'd like to see! )

On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on BOTTOM of the box)
* DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(oops...Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to what...use in outer space?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I'm sure glad they cleared that up.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)







These are facts you probably have never realized
The word "racecar," "kayak," and "radar" are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.

"a man a plan a canal panama" spelled backwards is still "a man a plan a canal panama"

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you will have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, but dogs only have about ten.

No word in the English language rhymes with "month."

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

All polar bears are left handed.

The name Wendy was made up for the book 'Peter Pan.'

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

Eskimos use refrigerators to keep food FROM freezing.

The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog," uses every letter in the alphabet.

The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave it to Beaver."

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.

The Bible has been translated into Klingon.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

35% of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and
chocolate.

In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.