Ummm....I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about my sexual insecurities due to my wife's affair. We have a counselor, but I just don't feel right talking to her about it. Number one, she's a she....number two she's never been married.
I just vent on here to deal with it.
My wife is really done talking about it. As far as she's concerned there is not a problem and that it's all in my head. She said it's a LB, so I'm not going to bring it up anymore.
I read the above article awhile back, I'm just going to continue trying to meet her needs and see if she improves meeting mine.

Well continue to come here and vent.

Did you write the email to the Harleys yet?

Sorry your wife doesn't want to talk about your needs.

Brain hurts & IP,

BH, I'll let you in on a secret if you promise not to tell anyone, MEN HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO.

Had I not found MB I would have wandered through life without expressing any of the thoughts that I did here.

There are no support groups for men who have been cheated on and it's somewhat assumed that a man is lacking as a sexual creature when his W or GF went elsewhere. I guess why that's why there are so many jokes about cuckolded men.

And just as with Internal_Pain, my W doesn't want to talk about it, oh well scratch that therapist off the list.

God Bless
Gamma

I figured as much Gamma.
Thanks for checking in as always.

It has to be salt in the wound and I'm so sorry for the pain.

Writing the Harleys is a good idea don't you think?

BH,

I have come to realize that I can never match the excitement of the affair, but my wife and I did order "101 nights of amazing sex" to try and change things up which is a huge step for her since she has always been so conservative with me.

Well that's a good sign. I hope it's fantastic for the two of you.

Pulling for you and your wife, IP.

I kind of want to break up and break down this response here, IP.


There are two forces at work that make an affair "exciting."

The first is quite simple; novelty. Our brains are wired to dump massive reward chemicals with sexual novelty. No, you can't "compete" with that any more than your wife could compete with you having a new partner, or "experiencing" a "new partner" via something like pornography.

The second is risk; no matter the excuses or justifications of the fog, an affair is "exciting" like stealing a candy bar is "exciting." Our brains, for all intents and purposes, are DUMB. The excitement of infidelity is caused by the dopamine rush of doing something the perpetrator knows is fundamentally wrong - the AP doesn't matter at all, the brain stupidly attributes that heightened state to the AP rather than to the fact that the WS is doing something completely wrong.

You CAN actually compete with this component, though!

How?

I'm completely serious here; take your wife skydiving, or rock climbing, or bungee jumping. Put together some activities which are EXHILERATING. Those "rush" feelings will be atrributed to each of the other rather than the activity. You can also gain some of this by tackling some projects together, as you will each attribute the sense of accomplishment to each other unknowingly.


Funny thing here, IP. But, one of the reasons that a WS seems more "adventerous" with an AP is due to the nature of the adulterous relationship. Adultery is a freeloader's relationship. What is borne is not intimacy, but a lack of mutual respect. A WS will be more adventerous because it doesn't really matter if the AP rejects them; the AP is disposable.

If you want your wife to be more open with you, on the other hand, you have to foster something else. She actually cares what you might think about her due to experimentation (despite what past actions may have shown).

What you have to do, is to foster a real sense of intimacy.

The best working definition of intimacy I have seen worked something like this;

A state of closeness and openness absent the fear of judgement or rejection.

Some food for thought.


Now, beyond that - how has your UA time been? What are your W's top 3 needs?

All excellent points HHH. We have been meeting the 15 hours a week threshold for the past two weeks. Top 3 are IC, A, and FS.

I've followed you, IP - but I'm not sure how well I "know" you.

As for me, I'm a nurse, a rationalist, and trust in science and logic.

I know the feeling you speak of, the idea of "competing" with that "high."

Yet, once you figure out the causes of excitement, it's not much of a threat.

Make sure your UA time is good, quality UA time, and see what you can do to bump that UA time up to 20-25 a week for a while. Write some little love letters and place them some place she will find them.




It's funny, but I was reading an article today about marital satisfaction.

Do you know what a good degree of men report brings them marital satisfaction?

A happy wife.


I know I feel that.

I'll try to bump that up some. It will be difficult since she and I both work so much, but see what I can do.
Yeah, I try to think about it logically, I'm an engineer myself, but sometimes it's hard not to think that I'm competing with that high.

Lol! I am so outnumbered by engineers around here!

Its tough dude. Just don't let it slow you to a stop, you know? Some days you just bear down and push for the next day.

IP,

I'm a woman and during the first awful year post-D-Day often suffered that concern about not having that same kind of excitement you are talking about in our own SF life. I know logically that what HHH states is true--that much of that "high" is from the novelty of a new person as well as from the thrill of the "forbidden fruit." H told me himself that it was the idea of getting away with something that made it so exciting.

But after his withdrawal period was over, and he began to see the adultery for what it really was..and the OW for who she really was, he says our own SF life is more deeply satisfying. Sure, the excitement part is rather toned down; after all, like you and your W, we are sort of "used" to each other. But that very thought of being used to each other is actually a wonderful familiarity.

To this day, almost a year and four months from D-Day, I still occasionally have niggling doubts if I am having a little trouble with my own side on a particular occasion of SF. It (O) doesn't always happen each time for many women, and once I broke down and wept in the middle of the whole thing, saying I felt so inadequate, although before the A, I never felt that way if it didn't work out for me the way we had expected. It was the idea of thinking that the OW probably had fireworks going each and every time and that nothing I could ever do would ever compare.

As you and your W fall in love with each other again, you will eventually logically come to the conclusion that your W finds you exciting and attractive and that you outshine any OM in every way.

From my long-ago single days during which time I was sowing a great many wild oats, (for which I since have great regret) I can say that one reason a woman will often initiate sex is from a desire to get something from the man; most often the desire is to get love.

Truly wise words that are of a great help.

IP,

Learn to knock her socks off, brother.

I present to you the inspiration for blowing my own FWW's mind;



Watch.




... listen.



Your goal?



Allow your W to see herself with your eyes.


Watch.


... listen.

How are you doing?

Ummm....pretty good. Had a fairly decent weekend at the beach. Communicating well, but WW had kind of an emotional outpouring of sorts today when I got home. Stems from me leaving next month for deployment. She is scared I'll come home with an empty love bank and not want to have anything to do with her. I just let her vent, asked a few questions and we talked about building some healthy female friendships to help fill the void when I
leave. All in all, I feel better this week.
I hurt myself working out last week and had to take some days off, ate really bad food over weekend, so it felt good to get back into routine today.

So did you discuss with her and give her hints on how to fill your lovebank, during your deployment?

I got some good ideas when my WH was deployed.

How long will you be gone? So sorry for the seperation.

No, I don't really know how she can meet my needs while I'm deployed. I have told her she could make an effort to work out and to continue to be very transparent for OH. But, it's going to be hard due to physical separation to meet my top two.
I told her that she'll just have to keep trying when I get back to fill my love bank back up
Gonna be gone for about three and a half months..

So Triple H gave me some creative ideas that maybe you can share with hour wife.

Phone calls become "fun" time.
Send care packages with an article of clothing that we each wore so it had our scents.
As many of pleasant and "love" letters/emails.
Definitely have her get some good female support.
How are YOU going to be prepared for the seperation? What are YOU going to do while you're going tork

What are you going to do, to work on filling her lovebank while you're away?