Can I legally change the locks?

Starfish, remember your husband is an addict who has been taking hits in the dark. His only hope is to cling to the dark and avoid the light.

Don't trust an addict, change the locks.Do not stop your pursuit of truth and light either.

Keep up you FANTASTIC efforts. He doesn't stand a chance.

He has no business telling you that you should have faith in him. He needs to step up and starting righting his wrongs, starting with coming clean and proving it.

Going to the bank this morning. He has refused the poly. I stood firm and he said that I made my decision... throwing it backing on me! I have no words... 2 hrs. of sleep and heading to the bank with my mom. He texted my mom and said he wants to talk to me later this morning. He won't give me the passwords either! What a mess this has become! His brother was such a jerk last night telling me that we are DONE (meaning me and WH).

ignore his brother! dont back down, if you do it will show him that you are a pushover he can keep behaving in that manner.

tell him that you really hope that he will go to the appointment beacuse that what you need him to do to help you heal from this mess and move forward with a clean slate and build a fulfilling marriage together.

you really are doing great, i know you feel like its a mess but i have hope that this is a small bump in the road today.

did you get the keylogger on?

sleep is key. did you take off a few days?

And to think this is all over your requirement that you have the full truth. I am so sorry, starfish, but I could tell from the start he was lying and his behavior just indicates there is more. Do you have the paper he filled out for you admitting his affair with the coworker? I would hang onto it.

The next step I would take is do your best to calm down with him. Let him know that you want your marriage to work but you have to have the truth. Be firm in your conditions [polygraph] and then if he still refuses to do that go into Plan B in a couple of weeks.

Plan B is a completely dark separation where all interaction is handled through a intermediary. It is initiated with a Plan B letter, which is a love letter that states your conditions and gives him a path back.

hugs to you, my friend. I know this is hard. But your marriage can never recover unless it is based on the truth. Until he gives you that, there is no recovery.

Yes, yes you did make your decision. You made the decision to not live in a sham marriage with someone who is not willing to live a transparent life and commit to being a faithful, loving partner. Now he has a decision to make -- does he intend to become a person to whom you would decide to be married?

I'd say you made a pretty good decision.

Yes, it is not illegal in any state in this union to change the locks on your own home.

And tell your husband when you speak that in order to have "faith" he needs to be faithful. He has not been faithful.

starfish, when you speak to him, it is important that you not lovebust him. No fighting, no anger, just be firm and polite. Don't fight with him and make the situation worse.

Let him know you are willing to forgive, but only the basis that he honest and is willing to take a polygraph to prove his honesty. that is the only way your marriage can recover. A marriage cannot recover when there are valid and legitimate questions about his honesty.

These are really good suggestions. I just thought I'd bring them up again.

Exposure is next Starfish.
You have enough evidence (his own admission) that he's been having affairs.
Tell his parents the additional information.
And get ready to spread the word.

Expose both OW. Facebook.

Use the messages we recommend here.

I am sorry to share this news, but my husband has been having affairs (yes, more than one). I am asking for your prayers and support. Please tell WH to end this behavior and work on our marriage.

or for OW:

I am sorry to share this news, but OW has been having an affair with my husband. Please tell OW to end this behavior and work on her marriage.

Took 1/2 out of checking/savings and opened up my own accounts today. I wanted to vomit when I received the check from the funds. Money means nothing to me... I know I need to protect myself and have security, but this is not what I wanted.

WH now has OW#2's phone number again, because he found the messages that we were sharing. He has changed all the p/w's, so now I can't check cell phone records, credit card, banking info. I'm a wreck!

He texted my mom and told her that he wants to talk to me later, but knows that I need my rest.

I have no words. Everyone here and all of my family and friends know that he is still lying and nobody can understand. He is so very sick!
In-laws know everything. MIL said maybe he needs to be alone and doesn't know how we can move forward. She says he isn't the son she raised and doesn't know him, but WH said she seemed supportive when he talked to her last night.

I'm sure OW#2 won't call me now, because I'm sure she knows now and is scared. I haven't exposed to her family and friends yet. I'm too exhausted and dilirious (sp)!

I have no idea what to say to WH now. I'm so weak. I could really use a short, simple script, because I cannot retain much right now.

My IC is amazing and checking with me daily and is filling out FMLA paperwork for me. Hopefully they approve 3 weeks off. I have a lot of love and support, but it's exhausting keeping up with all of the text messages and phone calls. I just want to be here right now...

SF, you are doing great! And you sound much calmer. I am so sorry this is happening to you.

When you speak to your H, be calm and respectful. Tell him that you love him and want your marriage to work out, but that can only happen if you have all of the truth. You are not promising anything, but you are willing to give him an opportunity to earn your forgiveness only if he tells the full truth and submits to a polygraph. If he wants you to have "faith" in his word, he needs to back it up. Until that happens, you can have no "faith" in him whatsoever.

You are willing to forgive an affair, but are not willing to forgive more lies. So now is the time to come clean if he wants to stay married.

<<starfish>> hugs and prayers for you today.

His behavior should inspire LESS trust not MORE.

Starfish -- most married couples misuse the concept of "trust".
There is no place for blind trust in a marriage. Transparency is what is needed in a marriage.

If he is not willing to be transparent and truly share his life WITH you, then he not marriage-material.

Its simply not fair of him to expect you to have children and make major life decisions based on incomplete facts about your life.

I couldn't agree with you more...
He is still lying and I just don't know what else to do. He hasn't called me yet today.

starfish,

Mel's advice to stay calm and not lovebust is crucial. If you blow up when he gives you information, it is just going to make him clam up even more.

When you speak to him again, if you need a minute to calm yourself, tell him you will call back, etc. Again, if you need AD's don't be afraid to use them to get through.

I went back and saw in your first post that he has been in touch with OW1 for six years. Did you ever speak to her yourself? Did he ever confess to having a PA with her?

No, he hasn't admitted to PA with OW#1. I haven't talked to her (NC email).

Star. When I was in this state of limbo and my WH was not home...I used to keep my mind busy by doing some good old fashioned snooping. Going through pockets, drawers, statements, etc...

It sounds like your WH is trying very hard to hide some evidence from you. I bet he did not have time to clean everything out.

Sorry this is happening to you.

He is reaching out to my mom and sister right now. My sister is meeting him at a park and I pray she can talk some sense into him and get him to do the right thing.

That is great! And I am presuming they fully support you in your quest for a polygraph?