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She is having an affair.

That is why she is running for the hills now that she has read the advice to you.

So sorry. It is probably at the gym.

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Originally Posted By: reading
She is having an affair.

That is why she is running for the hills now that she has read the advice to you.

So sorry. It is probably at the gym.
Yep. NB, no one decides to move out of their marriage because someone online suggested they were having an affair. Doesn't that seem a little...odd to you? Sounds like she's trying to manipulate you into not reading things here. Hmmm...what do you suppose those things could be? think


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OK, so last night you had a good time with her. Does that make up for the fact that today or tonight or tomorrow she will be having a good time with OM? If you and she are getting along so well, why is she moving out?


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Regardless of whether there is an affair or not she refuses to forgive me for things she keeps dragging up from the past which have been blown all out of proportion and now make me look like the worst husband in the world. I am not. Until she is willing to move on I know there is no hope and no doubt I will be posting here soon requesting your sympathy at the death of my marriage. Thank you for your replies

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She would blow things out of proportion BECAUSE of an affair, not regardless of one. She will not see things as they really are until you blow up her fantasy life.

Will you snoop, expose and fight for your marriage or snivel off? Right now you appear very weak from this side of the net, and chicks don't swoon over weak men.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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Originally Posted By: nb1712
Regardless of whether there is an affair or not she refuses to forgive me for things she keeps dragging up from the past which have been blown all out of proportion


You have no idea what you are talking about and are making serious strategic mistakes that will cause the death of your marriage. Your marriage can be saved. It can't be saved if you throw it away.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: nb1712
Regardless of whether there is an affair or not she refuses to forgive me for things she keeps dragging up from the past which have been blown all out of proportion and now make me look like the worst husband in the world. I am not. Until she is willing to move on I know there is no hope and no doubt I will be posting here soon requesting your sympathy at the death of my marriage. Thank you for your replies


Well, she needs to justify to others why she is leaving you. She is clearly having an affair (yes, I know you don't believe that) and if she left a normal husband/marriage for another man, she'd look like a bad mother and wife. So, in order to make herself look better, she'll demonize you and throw you under the bus.

Don't you notice that ALL cheating women seem to claim their husbands were neglectful or abusive? Don't you notice that ALL cheating men seem to claim their wives refused sex or 'grew apart' after kids?

Same thing, different day. It's a script and it's predictable.

Can I be blunt with you? She is idolizing another man (a man who she doesn't have to deal with joint finances, disputes over diapers, sharing dishwasher duty). If you sit back and let this continue without being proactive, you're going to justify her thought that you are weak and that her new man is some sort of brave stallion or whatever...

Take the bull by the horns. Even if you don't want to save your marriage, at least stand up for yourself.

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Originally Posted By: nb1712


I came to these forums seeking useful information from people who have been through similar situations that I could apply to my marriage to improve our relationship. I have not gotten anything useful and in fact my situation has worsened because my wife has read the replies and has become upset by them. So much so she has once again begun to look for other places to live.


nb1712. In all honesty and sincerity, you HAVE gotten good advice from others who at one time were in the same situation as you.

Look at the sig line of the people posting to you. They HAVE recovered their own marriages. But they first had to open their eyes to possibility of an affair. Then take the steps to KILL it.

You are discrediting the very people who have been there AND recovered.

Do you really believe your W is leaving because of posts on an internet forum? Really?


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He is in denial.. crazy


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Ok. I hear all your comments and whilst I dont want to believe what you are saying I know why you are. So all you "experts" out there need to read the post titled 'DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO' by punky81. Read it and know that punky81 is my wife and correlate the two versions together and then cast your high powered judgement. I did not want to reveal the connection as I thought that we might get good info from two different versions of the same problem but I am annoyed at some of the labelling you people use and hope that this may get you to see bothe sides of the argument.

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Originally Posted By: nb1712
my situation has worsened because my wife has read the replies and has become upset by them.


When your wife is having an affair, it can't get any worse. Your wife upset and having an affair is not worse than your wife content and having an affair, because your wife having an affair is the worst thing that could happen.

What's worse than your wife having an affair is your wife having an affair and you not knowing. Now that you know it is possible, things just got slightly better, because now you can do something about it. Before, you were powerless, which is worse.

Imagine you were seriously injured in a car wreck. You have a horrible pain on the right side. Slowly you look over there to discover your right arm is missing. You may feel a sudden surge of fear and pain, you may scream, but things did not just get worse; things were already worse; the only difference is, now you know how bad things are.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Quote:
Ok. I hear all your comments and whilst I dont want to believe what you are saying I know why you are. So all you "experts" out there need to read the post titled 'DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO' by punky81.


We read it. And know you are in denial.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: nb1712
Ok. I hear all your comments and whilst I dont want to believe what you are saying I know why you are. So all you "experts" out there need to read the post titled 'DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO' by punky81. Read it and know that punky81 is my wife and correlate the two versions together and then cast your high powered judgement. I did not want to reveal the connection as I thought that we might get good info from two different versions of the same problem but I am annoyed at some of the labelling you people use and hope that this may get you to see bothe sides of the argument.


How come she has not returned to reply on her thread?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Have either one of you read the Basic Concepts here?

You'll find a page in there on how one person can turn a relationship around. If you don't think an affair is the issue, start with that. I'm here to tell you as a man you have more potential to succeed at that if you are on board at actually following the plan.

The secret: read everything, listen to everything, do everything. Listen to the radio show every day, and read every article on this site, and you will start seeing what to do, and we can help motivate you to do that.

Can you do that?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted By: nb1712
Ok. I hear all your comments and whilst I dont want to believe what you are saying I know why you are. So all you "experts" out there need to read the post titled 'DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO' by punky81. Read it and know that punky81 is my wife and correlate the two versions together and then cast your high powered judgement.


nb1712.



I read your W thread and I don't see that she really made any effort except one long post about her unhappiness. This looks like a text-book case of a person in an affair who has come here and made a post and then took off. She can now say that she tried just about everything and it didn't work. Building a case to justify her leaving. Sorry honey, I just don't love you anymore.


I am no expert and my judgement is not high powered... but I have seen this scenario played out many times here. Just saying - you asked.

Good luck nb1712. We are here if you change your mind about us.


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I was in denial too. For a year. Almost lost my family.

I hate denial.


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Ask her to take a poly. That is the least she could do for you before abandoning you.

The day I asked my FWH to take a poly is the day my denial ended.


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I know I'm probably going to get jumped all over posting in here but really feel I'm entitled to my say. It's already been decided by everyone in here that I must be having affair. It couldn't possibly be right that a person would want to end a relationship without there being another person involved. I don't have male friends, I don't even have male aquaintances. Yes I go to the gym Mon - Fri (count out travel time, my workouts last approx 1hr 30 mins). Weekends are family time. Why do I train 5 days a week at the gym? I am in comp prep for my very first Figure comp this coming September, I have a ways to go to get comp ready and it does require a lot of dedication and committment. Never have I had a passion like this before, and something that I could actually be good at This is a new passion of mine that has developed in the last 6 - 12 months or so. I am a stay at home mother, my kids have been my life while my husband works. I do everything with my kids and never leave their sides. I am at home with every single day, occasionally I take them to a local play centre. I don't go anywhere, I rarely see friends. I have 1 female training partner who has been a great friend while going through these marital problems and we have similar fitness goals (and no, nothing going on with her I promise!). My gym is my 1 outlet. I usually go around 6:30pm when the kids are going to bed and am home between 8 - 8:30pm (this is all counting travel time as well). We then have diner together and 'our time'. Neither of us go to bed early so this has been an issue until recent times, when I finally found something I wanted to persue and dedicate time into.

We have read the Basic Concepts and filled out questionaires, we are also going to relationship counselling, something I tried to get my husband to do with me for months before he finally agreed to come along. To say I haven't tried or don't care is very unfair. Of course I care for my husband. But we have spent 10 years together and you do not know our history. My husband is a good man and a wonderful father, but he has not been an easy person to live with and has often taken on the role of 'father' to me, especially when I stopped working to have our firstborn. I could not do anything without seeking permission, buy anything without being questioned. It has been a very difficult household to live in, in recent years. An affair is not on my mind nor has there even been an opportunity for one to take place. As I said, the assumption I'm having an affair has already been made, my husband can do what he likes, snoop until his heart is content, hire all the PI's in the world to delved into my past and follow me, but nothing will be found because I have been true to my husband. I may be unhappy with him, and I may have doubts about whether I want to continue in my marriage, but if we separate then it WILL NOT be the result of an affair. If I want to be with someone else, I would have left long ago. I'm not a bad person. I'm a very good person, good friend, good mother and have always been an honest, faithful wife. Have I become selfish in recent time. Yes. Do I have separate interests from my husband - yes, just 1, which is my training for Figure Comps. My husband made one remark in an earlier post about my 'constant need to go drinking'. I am not adrinker and he knows this. I had a friends 30th birthday recently where we had a night away, and I went to visit my sister in another city last month ad yes we had a night out with FEMALE friends but were home, on both occasions at a reasonable hour. The time I had nights out were before I had my childen, over 5 years ago when working and we had a couple work functions (Xmas party, birthday and going away party), but that's it. He has always had his separate hobbies with golf where he plays twice a week and is gone for 4-5 hours both days. Yet I get 'in trouble' for my gym time, my one outlet, my one bit of 'me' time.

Every time we seem to have a break through, I get pressured for more progress, or for more intimacy. I try, but it is not comfortable. I have a lot of resentment for my husband right now and I find it very difficult to want to be 'close' to him.

Nothing else to add, I really just wanted to add my two cents. All the talk of affairs has really only worsened things in our relationship. I'm not lying, not in denial. But there are many things that gotten us to where we are right now. But it does not involve a third party. Not all relationship problems are because of affairs.

Thank you for reading...

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Originally Posted By: nb1712
I have snooped through her phone and her facebook account in the past and have found no evidence of an affair so I still doubt this is the case


Anyone with half a brain will erase their phone logs and facebook messages.

You need to put a GPS & VAR in the car and actually check her phone records online and put a keylogger on the home computers. This is Snooping 101.

Now that she knows about MB and knows that you have been advised about the fact that she is probably having an affair, she could have already taken things further underground.

It's really too bad because an affair is something that can be overcome but STEP ONE is coming out of the denial and getting the proof. Sounds like she has already set the stage to leave and claim that she did "everything to try to work on the M".


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punky, this sounds like a typical situation that can be turned around if you both follow the program here. I advise the two of you to stick to posting on your own threads, and we can probably help you follow Dr. Harley's program, if you are both willing to give it a try.

One thing you will have to do is be completely transparent. Can you be completely honest and transparent with your husband about how all your time is spent? If you can do that, there will be no further talk of affairs, and it'll be easy to move on to the next steps of the program. If you've read the Basic Concepts, you've learned how people fall in and out of love.

We can help your husband learn not to pressure you.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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