Thanks Gamma for your reply. This was my thinking also, but of course lots of things went through my head as to the cause of her walls going back up this last month. But like you wrote, this seems to make sense, especially since their EA was gathering momentum this time last year. It is that dang contrast effect again.

This memorializing of the OM and WWs feelings for him is something I do not know how to combat, except to just keep chipping away through plan A.

Scotland, thanks for taking the time to read and respond to my thread. And thanks for the approach on seperation talk. I almost feel like she was testing me by bringing it up.

On AOs, I have thought the same thing, i.e. her tantrums are similar to our children's tantrums. Tonight twice I remembered what you wrote and when she tried to start something like that I just went upstairs and came back later. Our interactions were so much more pleasant afterwards since I did not engage. She vented and it passed.

My plan A continues.

Thanks jessi. I like how you put it, me helping her heal herself from her own mistakes. That makes sense.

It is very much a marathon. I have to remember to keep pacing myself. One day at a time.

Tomorrow night WW and I are going to a concert by ourselves without the kids. She bought the tickets for us back in early February when things were much better. I was not sure she would still want to go given the last couple of weeks, but she reminded me today that tomorrow night is the concert so come home early from work to eat, etc. It should be a fun night

Do you have any time to maybe buy a new shirt before the concert?

Plan A involves a lot of things you do while courting. So, you want to look, and smell your best. Also, you would be on your best behaviour. Channel your James Bond.

No advice Blackhawk - just wanted to say I'm pulling for you.

I hope you and your wife enjoy the concert.

Thanks Scotland. Concert was great, and I plan A'ed to WW all evening w/o expectations. She spewed some fog babble during the evening a couple of times and she did her best to be as unpleasant as possible like a sulking child. But we both enjoyed the concert tremendously (together) and the walk home from the baby sitter with our kids was nice.

These last few weeks it is like she is purposefullly doing her utmost to get me to engage in LBs or to surrendor and seperate. She is hateful and angry towards me pretty much all the time. I guess hateful is better than ambivalent.

Thanks kerala. I appreciate your thoughts and your attention to my thread.

Well ok, maybe not ALL the time she is hateful/angry at me, but 75% of the time It is a tough road right now.

I just figured something out that may explain the walls up around V-Day. She was talking to a female friend by Skype video, and I did not know this person, but remember seeing pics of this person and some young 12 year old girl on my WW's screen saver up until our month long trip to the US for the holidays. I asked who this was and she refused to answer, so eventually I let it drop. After the holiday trip she replaced all these pics with our old family pics and trip pics, relieving me greatly, especially together with the return of SF together.

Well, I have stepped up my snooping recently in response to this pulback last month and I have figured out that this person is a former lover of the dead OM and that the other pic is of their child. Apparently this happened during or right after his first marriage ended. It seems my WW became good friends with this person before/after the OM death and they had a long chat after V-Day I guess commiserating, etc. Good lord, I am in shock that WW was looking at this every day on her screen saver until December. No wonder we were strugging so much last fall, she was reminded of the OM every 5 minutes all day!

Thos screen saver pics were like one of those fog machines just pumping out the fog I guess. At least those pics are gone, but I guess that video call again around V-day with the that woman set us back a great deal. I can only imagine all the memories it dredged up. They probably memorialized him. AAGGHHH!

Competing with a memorialized ghost is a tough gig...

From this latest revelation Gamma, I think you are right.

Did I handle this exchange right??

WW: (1/2 jokingly, smiling, making small-talk) I don't worry that you'll be able to find a new wife, everyone is interested in meeting you.

Me: (matter-of-fact) WW, I have a wife already. I still hope we can use the MB plan to make our marriage better.

WW: (screaming angrily, like a fuse snapped) "Never say this again! Never bring this up again in front of kids! Never bring up again or you will end up in front of a judge in court with me!"

Me: (calmly) I was only saying that I think we can make our marriage better using Steve and MB.

WW: (still screaming) Never say it again! Stop! Or it will be court! Is that what you want"

At this point I left the room and when I came back in a couple of minutes later she was acting ok again. Steve has told me to hit and run with presenting the truth/MB to her, but her anger this time surprised me a bit.

How could I have done this better? Should I just ignore these comments?

Blackhawk,

Wow, I'll have to think about that one, how much exposure did you give your children and how do they now view/treat your WW?

God Bless
Gamma

I think you did pretty darn good. One thing though, was this in front of the kids?

Gamma,

The kids have not been exposed. They treat/view her as their mom. But of course they understood something was going on last fall.

As an update, about an hour after this conversation, we all had lunch and she apologized to me

WW: "I am sorry for what I said. I started it by what I said."

Me: "What do you mean?"

WW: "Just that I started it, that was my fault, you didn't do anything to cause that conflict."

Me: "Thanks for apologizing and being honest with me about how you feel."

Afterwards we had a nice lunch all together, she was friendly and we talked about her vegetarianism, I mentioned i admired her ethically for it (it is new for her, last month), and asked if it it was a spiritual decision, ethical or what. She said she just decided but then proceeded to talk about it awhile. I think I was able to make a LB deposit.

Later I left to take the kids to a play, and she called me as I was leaving by a term of endearment I have not heard since before the pullback in mid-February. Tonight was drifting back towards "friendly" neutral again.

Hi Scotland,

Yes, the kids were there. They were there when she apolgized later too (see my last post above to Gamma).

This lunch was probably the best conversation we have had in about 2 weeks btw, for what its worth.

Tomorrow she suggested we all go with friends to a movie, with the kids.

She also suggested we (me and her) go shopping for together next week. Last time we did this we had a great time.

These are little things, but seem significant to me. At our mid-week concert she could barely stand to be next to me and was refusing to talk with me. As of last night and today we are interacting more positively (but not all the time, tonight she bit my head off when asking about one of her family members).

So why have you chosen to not tell your kids?

Even Dr. Harley recommends it.

How to Survive an Affair

Hi BrainHurts,

Thanks for your attention to my thread. I realize it is recommended. I decided they were too young. I realize my son is borderline age. My DD was barely talking last fall (she was 2 then).