I hope you didn't throw your Tiffany lamp away, some people know how to rewire them.

You aren't a kidding not all animals are the same! My dog chewed up everything when he was a puppy...the couch, my bed, the trim on the house, my son's MP3 player, countless shoes/slippers, my favorite dress, a book on Boundaries (the irony didn't escape me), etc. But he was worth it and he had a wonderful personality, all of those are just things, but he keeps me company and has settled down into being a wonderful dog. Am not sure I have it in me to go through puppyhood with another again though...if I ever face this again, I'll probably adopt an adult dog that has already gone through this stage...trouble is, the agency wasn't forthright about his age, I found out he was not a year old AFTER taking him to the vet, AFTER adopting him. I can definitely see why dogs are not for everyone, but for me, they make life worth it all.

It sounds like your experience has been a learning exp. not just for you but for your son. He will respect you for doing what is the best thing instead of being a victim. And you will show him in the process what is the GOOD way to treat women so he won't pattern his own self off XBF.

I hope you keep your bunny a safe distance from other bunnies or you'll have lots more to contend with!

That sounds about right . We often need to step away from a relationship to truly see how toxic or unhealthy it was, because we do not see it clearly while still in it. That's why it's important to cut contact when ending the relationship, instead of continuing to interact - when you continue to interact, you do not get the fog to lift. Once it lifts, you often see things in a new light, or at least you see things clearly.

Good work milkshake!

AGG

[quote/]

I hope you keep your bunny a safe distance from other bunnies or you'll have lots more to contend with! [/quote]

Oh gosh, my son has been asking me to find a girl rabbit so ours can "marry" her and have babies! Not happening!

Thanks AGG, it was fear that was making me cling, not love. I loved him but at the same time over the past 3 years there was always doubt about us since he was not saying ILY and also not wanting to make the life-time commitment. I was always second guessing, and got tired of such relationship. But I was afraid to rock the boat. My GF kind of pushed my back to have the 'serious' talk, knowing that the fact he was not proposing was bothering me. Losing something you got so used to having around is very difficult, but in my head I knew I could not keep fooling myself. And now I can say it was worth it. Yes, it wasn't easy. It was painful. It was scary. But I did not have to waste another 5 years.

Thank you all for your support and cheering and encouragement! Good night everyone.

When you say a "happy person", what kind of person do you think of?

DS and I are vacationing with my family friends in St. Thomas. It's absolutely gorgeous. I planned the trip back in Dec., as a way to be emotionally independent, since the last five years I have not had any vacations, other than when we went back home to see my folks, without my XBF.

But the result is..., I am missing him and wish he was here with us. I see this beautiful golf resort and think of him. I know I am beautifying my memories a bit, since XBF was never really a beach person, and did not like to just sit and relax at the beach. And because he has a pretty bad vision, he would never go snorkeling either, so why am I thinking of him when I am doing all of these things we never did together?

Dunno, but obviously the weather, the sun, the breeze, and just being on vacation..., remind me of him. Wish he shared the same feelings.

MS

MS you are probably just missing sharing with someone - not necessarily him in particular but the relationship part of it. The idea of it you know? Our mind can make things look ideal but that doesn't mean they are. I read romance books. My mind automatically wants a relationship like that even though I know it's not probable in the long run since life gets in the way. When I do find the man that kisses the ground I walk on, has millions of $$$, is gorgeous, etc. I will be sure and let ya'll know.

Well I can assure you that what you're looking for does exist...I had it with my late husband, he was everything I could have wanted! Loyal, caring, sweet, understanding, great communication, giving, helpful, hard working, AND we went together perfectly and enjoyed the same things! He was also romantic. I miss him tremendously.

Thank you all fir reminding me that it's not just me who misses our old relationship. It can be hard, but I know we all have gone through it. I don't understand why XBF is okay w/o us around even though he is also used to having us around on weekends and on vacation. I wish I was that tough.

KC, your late husband sounds like an awesome man and the perfect partner for you. Once you had it, it must be harder to find a replacement.

Even though I am sad that our vacation is ending tomorrow and I will be going back to work on Thurs., I am also a bit relieved that I would not have to suffer so much from lack of 'my partner' during our vacation. I felt so bad for my son, when everyone else had their parents. I did a lot, in fact EVERYTHING he wanted to do with him to make sure he would not feel bad about that. It seems he was too busy having fun to be reminded of it, but I also felt that he intentionally tried NOT to mention XBF's name because he did not want to feel sad and also did not want ME to look sad.

Your son sounds like a wonderful person, probably your greatest blessing in life, as my son is.

Yes my late husband was my soulmate and the best partner for me...maybe that's just another reason I don't want to date, I tried other relationships but they didn't work and I just don't think there's much likelihood of finding someone wonderful (for me) again. At least I've had it once...

Thank you KC, yes, DS is the best thing ever happened to me in life. You and I are lucky to have such blessings, and I understand we cannot have everything in life so maybe that's why we are a bit "short" on the partner side

It must be even harder for you just because your husband passed away. He was the perfect partner for you, and he passed away, so no bad memories of him... If he was still around, I am sure he may still be able to upset or irritate you sometimes but he is not even doing that. I can see how it is difficult for you to even fall for any other men.

I didn't have a perfect husband, in fact he had way too much issues, but I still wanted our marriage to work, for DS's sake as well as for both of us, since we were together for a long time and also it WAS the original family. It didn't work out that way. Then XBF. He was much better from the responsibility and reliability points of view, compared to my XH, but was a bit too 'cold' as a person for me. I still wanted it to work out, again, because I loved him but also DS's sake as well. So if the losses have been this hard for me, even though the relationships were not perfect, I can't imagine how hard it must be if you lose the perfect relationship. But I guess in the end, soon or later, we all lose them....

We are flying back today, I hope this vacation without XBF made me stronger.

Girl what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You are getting stronger by the day.

Thanks Prissanna. So true. I will be checking in on you on your thread

I know this because of my divorce AND my crush. :-) My crush opened my eyes to many things.

I think we need to exchange emails. We could be long lost sisters or something. Did you have a twin at birth that was sent to live in Georgia? Hahahaha!

LOL, that's funny but that's a good idea, we should exchange emails. We have very similar thinking process for sure! I started reading "Will Our Love Last?", and I can now relate to this. You and me, for example, we are the same sex but found some similarities. We connect. Very simple.

When DS and I were on vacation in St. Thomas, I met this lady who came to pick us up at the airport and we just hit off. It turned out that she is also a single mom. She invited us over to St. John since she, her kids and her BF were staying there for the weekend. Again, among all those people, we connected. We became good friends.

I observe my son. He is quite popular among other kids, yet he always ends up being very close friends with those who like similar activities and who have similar sense of humor.

Well why would it be any different if it's for opposite sex? Of course not! XBF and I had many differences even though we were physically and intellectually attracted to each other. XH and I had similar personalities, but he just lacked too much of responsibility and other important skills.

I think as the book says, it is the fear that I have to start all over again, that I may not be able to find my soul mate anytime soon, that DS has another broken heart... It is scary, I admit. No one wants to waste time/life looking for something he/she may not even be able to find in the end.

My COO friend was emailing and texting me every day while we were in St. Thomas. He is very sweet. He calls me his 'love'. He said that because I am so self-sufficient financially and physically, I do not require a man, so if I choose to be with him, I am doing so not because of his wealth.. I think that's a part of his attraction towards me. He has said that he wants to have a baby with me; he said the child will be super smart and beautiful, which is...., somewhat flattering but also scary to be honest. As far as I am concerned, we are not officially BF and GF yet, so it feels way too soon to be talking about it.

At the same time I do not want to make a same mistake, which is to spend way too much time before I realize that I am developing love for the person. I feel that I have too much of a heavy protection armor around my heart when I come out of a relationship, which always slowed me down and made the other person feel "I am not that into him". That's what happened to XH and XBF and some others. They all complained that I was not in love with them as much as they were with me in early days. But isn�t that normal for women who have been hurt? Am I being too cautious?

This guy is smart, successful, a great family person, honest... Why wouldn't I like him? Maybe this is the person I would have more 'similarities'. His parents are still happily married and so are my parents. He is close to his parents and siblings. He has high education and so do I. He likes fine things but not a show-off. He likes nature as well as cultural stuff, just like me. He is not a picky eater. He cooks. He loves kids. He works hard but keeps weekends free. He likes to travel. He has lived overseas as well. He plays musical instruments. He has been divorced and understands the heartache. He has been to many counseling sessions and is not afraid of sharing his deep inner thoughts and verbally expressing his feelings/emotions.

The problem is that I am not feeling the same level of excitement he is feeling for me just yet�� I wish I was more careless and can jump right into another relationship with open arms and heart. I was never like that. Seriously, often I feel it is ME who is causing all the 'mismatch' timing that can be crucial for successful relationships. I am too late into the game when I finally realize that I love the person. Because I am always interacting with my partner through the wall around myself initially. Maybe I am just not good at romantic relationships.

I think that was my MAIN problem with the obsession over the crush. My mind wanted to think he was the one (him being great looking is part of the reason I think - my ex had beat me down so much til I didn't think I was good enough for anyone that looked halfway decent) so I wouldn't have to actually find the one you know? I knew his family and was raised up around his family so he was 'safe' to me. And I wasn't even looking until he came along. Sure I had thoughts but .... I wasn't openly looking. Not that I am now, but I have many more thoughts than I used to have about finding the right one.


Well you just don't know how you will feel - eventually. Some relationships start out as friendships and progress. That's what is scaring me about meeting with B this weekend. I don't want that to happen because for one thing I'm not ready and for the other, I don't want him to be THE ONE because he's not what I have in mind for myself. And now ya'll are saying she is off her rocker. lol

I think you are better off not wanting to jump into another relationship right now. What you are going through is the same thing as a divorce so any relationship would probably be a rebound relationship.

Yup. Back in Novemeber I realized that it was not working out. That's because I was on a rebound and was not having much fun. I turned him down but he wanted to just continue communication via email, which we did for two months. I got to know him better through the process.

Now I feel a little more comfortable with him, and I feel that I do have more leveled head and clearer mind in terms of starting a new relationship. It's just that I am not that into him yet, and who knows, it may never develop to that degree. I have seen some of my friends just completely fell in love with a new date after a few meetings, and I always felt that I am lacking something or being overly cautious.

Went out with my COO friend. Something I discovered..., he DID cheat on his first wife and he has been married twice.

Now, on our first 'date', he told me that he was married for a very long time (like 17 years or something), and when he got transferred, she refused to come with him (she was a homemaker), told him to go alone, and eventually after doing so for a few years, she filed for a divorce. Then he had a long-term relationship with this lady but it did not work out because she did not want to move here and he could not move either.

What he told me yesterday is that yes, his first ex-wife DID refuse to move with him and told him to just commute back and force over the weekend (between IL and CO), while she stayed here with the kids and close to her own family (mother and sister). He did feel unloved, also he said she withheld sex to punish him often, and he said "I am not trying to play a victim, and I am not proud of what I did, but the truth is that I felt I just needed to give money to my ex and she did not need me at all, and I met someone in CO and fell in love, and my wife did file for a divorce but after I met this lady so technically I did cheat on her".

I was shocked to hear this, because he seemed to be the last person to cheat on his wife. See, these are the kind of things you discover along the way which totally turns you off trying to find 'Mr. right' for you.

Anyhow, this lady is the one he ended up marrying and stayed for 7 years, however she filed for a divorce since eventually he had to move back to IL and she could not move (she had her own business). They were flying back and forth but he felt that it was more him making the effort but she seemed to be okay without spending enough time with him. And she told him that this long-distance relationship wasn't working out, and in the end she divorced him.

Now I told him "you didn't tell me you were divorced twice", and also told him that "to be honest, I am shocked to learn that you had cheated on your wife".

He seemed to be totally in love with me, he kept saying how crazy he is about me and even scared me by saying that he wants to stay with me every day and wants to marry me.

He asked if that scared me (that he had said he wanted to marry me), and I had to be honest to say yes. I was not that into him in the first place, and then after hearing his past, I was very turned off.

Then I started to miss my XBF tremendously. I wish I was with him instead of this guy. I might just be missing the loving situation, not necessarily XBF, but still, I miss him and the situation and all. I missed him during our vacation too last week. I know I did not like XBF�s coldness but now it seems he is still a much better person than this COO guy� Besides, I have been trying to physically accept him but it is almost painful for me to even kiss this guy. It will not work out if I get physically turned off by him, right? I will never meet anyone I would find attractive AND right for me��

Sigh.

MS I can totally understand you being turned off by this guy. If he cheated once, he is subject to do it again. That's too much of a risk for me. That question is on the dating applications I'm handing out. J/K but it is a big concern for me.

I would think you probably don't need to see the COO dude again because it is giving him false hope. Unless you can be clear that your relationship will never be anything but friends.

I know how you feel about thinking Mr. Right is not out there. That's why I'm trying to learn to love being single and not caring one way or the other. Do you think you would/could be happy if you never had a relationship again or is that a big MUST for you?