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Star --
I don't think he's going to take it.
Just my opinion...
I think he wants to meet with you. Get his hands on the confession. Then back out.
Just be ready. And Plan A all the way... Exactly what I was thinking
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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I would hold on the confessions until after the poly results. He might want to see them again to get his story straight. You can promise to give them to him as soon as the results are in.
If he's sincere about recovery, this should not sway his decision to undergo the poly.
On the other hand, IF he passes and moves on in recovery with you, destruction of the confession is a good idea.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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He won't take the test unless I give him the papers first. I told him that I would, but he doesn't know that I have the copies.
He was also asking me about the process of everything and I told him. He asked me if I would be in the exam room and I told him no. He said that was probably a good idea, because he thought it might make him more nervous.
He went to the bank to get the cash for the poly, so I'm going to ask him to hand over the cash before I give him the papers. I want to physically see the cash. He said that he is happy with my decision about bringing the papers, just as I am happy with his decision to take the poly.
Last edited by starfish75; 03/22/12 12:07 PM.
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Hmmm, I'm thinking you can change your mind and let him know you'll be glad to give him the papers AFTER the poly.
This guy sure thinks he can dictate the terms of recovery!
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A truly remorseful wayward will do ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING to make things right again. He still thinks he's in control.
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How do I Plan A in a situation like this? We are meeting there at 4pm.
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Star --
Don't get into a squabble about when you hand him the confession.
Just do it. You have copies. Nothing is hurt by handing them over. Don't ask him for the cash first. Don't bicker with him. Trust that he will fulfill his end of the bargain.
Be pleasant, appreciative, respectful.
Treat it as if it were a date.
Let him know that you are anxious to put this all behind you.
Tell him you see this as a fresh start for BOTH of you - and that your marriage can be stronger and better in the future.
Be mentally prepared for anything -- he may confess more this afternoon. He may back out. What are your boundries in either case?
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And if he asks if you have other copies say "no" and if he doesn't believe you offer to take a polygraph yourself on such question if he wants to pay for it (as your results won't come back until his do anyway).
He's just looking for angles out of it. Lexxy's advice is perfect...just be nice and appreciative the whole time.
[smiling] "I DO trust you...but I trusted you before and look where we are today....WE (both of us) just need to insure WE are starting OUR recovery on a foundation of honesty....otherwise, what's the point???"
"There's nothing you can tell me today that will hurt me any more than I'm already hurt EXCEPT more lies...if this is the final and absolute truth let's get this done with and START rebuilding from here.....THIS is our starting point"
"get'er done"
Mr. Wondering
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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I will give him the papers. I have no idea what to think about today though. I'm sooooooo nervous!!! If he backs out again, then I don't think I can be in this marriage any longer. 
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Don't get into a squabble about when you hand him the confession.
Just do it. You have copies. Nothing is hurt by handing them over. Don't ask him for the cash first. Don't bicker with him. Trust that he will fulfill his end of the bargain. AGree with Lexxy. It is problematic that he wants those papers back because there is no other reason than to remove evidence. And why would he want to remove evidence unless he knows he is going to flunk and/or has no intention of taking the test. Just be prepared, starfish! And continue to try to get more info from him on the way over.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And on the other hand, it may well be that he only wants the paper back because his toxic brother is pressuring him. We will see.
Hopefully, he passes the test with flying colors and your marriage can get back on track!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Re Plan A: Sometimes the whole "meet the wayward's ENs" part of the plan muddies the waters. If the best you can do is avoid lovebusting (AO's and DJ's) then that's considered a success IMO.
If you feel a LB coming on, excuse yourself, find a quiet spot to collect yourself. If you are in the car after the poly and you feel a LB coming on, it's OK to say I need some time to think about this before I can discuss it, etc.
You can do this. Hang in there.
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He is at work and meeting me there. We aren't riding together. Should I send him an email at work?
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Oh.
starfish....he IS going to back out.
Know it and be super pleasantly surprised if he doesn't.
Have your copies in a safe, safe place!
He is trying to run the show and you are running it.
Even when he does back out....stay calm and plan A.
Heck, you can go down to an attorney's office and file for divorce, unbeknownst to WH and still plan A.
Plan A is being YOUR BEST SELF in spite of the awful situation you are going through.
You can do this.
If he does take the poly, you are just a few steps ahead of where you otherwise would be.
If he doesn't. Take a deep breath, smile and say "Please reconsider. It would mean a lot to me."
okay?
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Should I tell him that I would like for us to ride together and that I will pick him up?
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I think that would be good so that he will have a chance to confess.
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He said he would ride with me, but tried saying that he was planning on leaving the polygraph place to go back to his friend's house, because it was closer for him to drive. He then told me that we could ride together, not a problem if that is what I wanted to do. I told him I would see him at 3:30pm.
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He did seem a little overly happy right now...
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Oh... The guy that went on the ski trip with my husband just called me! I didn't answer, but he left me a message and said that he knew I talked to his wife and he wasn't mad or anything, but would like to talk to me and give me some clarity. I think he is a scumbag!!! He was trying to sound so pleasant on the phone, but I'm thinking that he spoke to my husband... I don't know what to think!
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