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One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:

"Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied, "Oh no, not at all. I lived in downtown Toronto and this weather is just like a typical July day in the city." Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.

When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Torontonian, "Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?" The young man looked up and said, "No, the temperature is just like a hot August day in Toronto. I'm coping it just fine."

Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the Torontonian jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.

"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting: "The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup! The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup!"







A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."

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When hell freezes over!

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Speedy recovery Pep!


Me-49, WH-51
Married 02/1983 yrs, Sons - 27, 26, 20
1st PA - 1985, 1st known EA - 1992/1993
2nd PA - 06/02 to 11/04
1st D-day - 09/03, D-day 2 - 10/04 D-day 3 05/08
NC e-mail - 11/04- it wasn't real
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(Sorry for the length of this joke, Pep. Reading it will pass A LOT of time!)

A lawyer was out hunting, shot at a duck, and it came to earth just over a fence into a farmer's field that the lawyer had no permission to hunt in.

He climbed over the fence, and heard a voice ask "Whar d'ya think yer goin', young man?"

The lawyer then noticed the farmer approaching, and answered, "I'm retrieving the duck I shot while it was overhead, but landed over here. If you interfere, I'll prove in court that ownership is established when the wildlife is killed, and not where it lands. I'm well trained in the law, and you're just a simple, ignorant hick."

The farmer thought for a moment, then replied. "Waaaaall, you might have a point young man, but I would imagine that by the time all that is done, the duck will be loaded with maggots, not fit fer eatin', even for a lawyer. I propose we settle this by what we call around these parts the "Three Kick Method."

"Three kick method? What's that?"

"Waaaall, the way it works is that I get to kick you three times, and then you get to kick me three times. If neither of us gives up, then we each alternate kicks until one of us eventual gives up. How does that sound?"

Not having a better immediate suggestion, and knowing that he himself was a nationally-ranked kick-boxer, the lawyer agreed.

The farmer approached the lawyer, paused, and delivered a body-lifting kick directly between the lawyer's legs, sending him screaming to the ground in agony. His next kick landed in the lawyers midriff, breaking two ribs. The third kick landed on the lawyer's face, breaking his nose.

The lawyer, after about twenty minutes, staggered to his feet, and said, "All right, hayseed, it's MY turn now. Get ready"

The farmer paused, spit on the ground, and said, "Naw, I give up; you win. You can have the duck!"

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I've been pretty busy with my job, moving and unpacking, but have not been unaware of Pep's condition and progress. And it seems she's handled this with her usual aplomb. Good on you, gal!

The Walrus was Paul.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Anyway, these three men were condemned by the French Revolutionary Council to die by the guillotine - a philosopher, a lawyer(yet another!), and an ENGINEER.

The philosopher was placed on the platform, the lever was pulled, the blade started descending......and jammed. He jumped up shouting that the fates had intervened, and obviously his innocence was proved, and he went on his way.

The lawyer was next.....with the same result. He stood up, proclaiming that under the Laws of Man, no one could be executed twice, and he must be freed. He walked away.

As the ENGINEER was led to the platform, he paused, looked upon it carefully, and said, "You know, I think I see where your problem is...."

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Sorry to hear about your post-op complications, Pep. Maybe your body needs to remember who's boss?


NSFNMP (not safe for non-medical personnel):

Click to reveal..
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss.

The brain said, "since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the boss."

The feet said, "since I carry man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss."

The hands said, "since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss."

And so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be the boss.

Finally, the [censored] spoke up and said it was going to be the boss.

All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the [censored] being the boss. The [censored] got so angry that he blocked himself off and refused to function.

Soon the brain was feverish and could barely think, the feet felt like lead weights and was almost too weak to drag the body anywhere, the eyes grew bleary, and the hands hung useless at the sides. All pleaded with the brain to let the [censored] be declared the boss.

And so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the [censored] just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.

THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an old [censored].

Alternate moral: No matter how well things are going, it can all be shut down by a single [censored].


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Bonus:

You know you're a nurse if...

You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazepam and Compazine.

You would like to meet the inventor of the call light in a dark alley one night.

You believe not all patients are annoying ... some are unconscious.

You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.

You can only tell time with a 24 hour clock.

When asked, "What color is the patient's diarrhea?", you show them your shoes.

Every time you walk, you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pockets.

You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is dispensing than he can.

You carry "spare" meds in your pocket rather than wait for pharmacy to deliver.

You refuse to watch ER because it's too much like the real thing and triggers "flash backs."

You check the caller ID when the phone rings on your day off to see if someone from the hospital is trying to call to ask you to work.

You've been telling stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw up.

You notice that you use more four letter words now than before you became a nurse.

Every time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least three of them on you.

You can intubate your friends at parties.

You don't get excited about blood loss ... unless it's your own.

You live by the motto, "To be right is only half the battle, to convince the physician is more difficult."

You've basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe.

You've told a confused patient your name was that of your coworker and to HOLLER if they need help.

Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.

Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank.

When checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren't sure of the answer.

You find yourself checking out other customer's arm veins in grocery waiting lines.

You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table during dinner break, sitting up and not be embarrassed when you wake up.

You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.

You've sworn you're going to have "NO CODE" tattooed on your chest.


Last but not least;

Your sense of humor seems to get more "warped" each year.

Almost everything can seem humorous ... eventually.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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dance2

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I don't know if you're a pet lover, but this video just kills me every time...avoid it if you're a pet lover and have stitches you don't want to bust... Dog Tease


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Hell, I'm full of staples!

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Hey Pep

Good to see you out and about. To bad for the snag in your recovery thats keeping you there.


Originally Posted By: Pepperband
Hell, I'm full of staples!



Hope its not addictive or you have too much free time like this guy!

Staples

Best to you

nESRE

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A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

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Originally Posted By: Pariah
She looks like she came through OK on her FB page.


rotflmao YOU commented that I was enjoying Demerol, you rat! stickout

Those pics that everyone enjoyed so much were taken by my DD22 prior to surgery .... just after getting IV Versed and whatever else they gave me for preoperative sedation.
I don't remember having my picture taken, which is why I suspect this was AFTER Versed.
Really cute, right? rotflmao
I felt no pain at the time. Pain was plentiful later.

There is one more pic DD22 took, which she did not share. Eyes shut, mouth open, tongue protruding just a little. I look drunk as hell.

Surgery was 8.5 hours.
It took a lot of guts !

Click to reveal..
*snort*

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