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#2610434 03/27/12 11:57 PM
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I had been unhappy in my marraige for a long time. We never did anything together my wife was always complaining how she was tired of cooking diner, taking care of the kids etc. She was always stressed out about the usual everyday demands. I would come home and try to give her a kiss or a hug and she would not be interested. Our marraige was more work then going to work its self. I would ask her if she wanted to go out or do something but she was always to tierd or just didn't want to. Then she would complain how we didn't do anything. I love to be with my kids but i didn't want to be home. it was bruteal she never paid any attention to me and she was always stressed. I did all the dishes all the time I did my own laundry and everyone elses when i could. The house was always a disaster and my days off I always cleaned. She was never affectionate if I never kissed or hugged her we never have. We would go months without being intimate regularly. I was tired of a dead marraige. I thought about leaving for probably two years.
Then I started talking to one of my associates a female. This was probably about November. We would talk alot at work in the beginning. Then we started texting and talking on the phone a lot. One night we went out as friends and played pool for a little while. My wife found out and was pissed. Rightfully so i shouldn't have been talking to a female as much as I was. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. Then it was about Thanksgiving and her family started getting involved. So I asked my wife if we could stay home for Thanksgiving so we could spend time together with our kids. I told her I did not want to go to her parents house and be around them. My wife said that she could not stay home that she needed to go to her parents for Thanksgiving or her mom would be very upset. I told her that i would not go to her parents. I begged her to stay home so we could have Thanksgiving as a family but she still insisted on going. I stayed home alone. It was one of the worst days of my life I didn't even eat. It showed me her dedication to me and our marraige!!!
Through December I continued to talked to my female friend at work on and off. I was trying to see if their was anything left of my marraige and make it a good Christmas for the kids. going into January things at home werent any better. My wife wanted me out of the house. I then meet my female friend from work and talked about what was going on. My wife was pissed but I figured she wants me out so things are over for my marraige it doesn't matter anyway. I never had any kind of physical contact with her at this point. The next day I called a good friend who gave me his condo to stay at because I had no where to go. Then i went back to my house to find all the locks on the doors had been changed and all my stuff was in bags in the garage. that weekend I met up with my female friend and we went to my friends condo and we ended up hving sex. My marraige was over she wanted me out so I thought it didn't matter. My affair went on for a month. I ended the relationship because I missed my family so bad.That was on March 5th. I had come to relize that i did love my wife and I wanted our marraige to be great. I don't want it to be what it was i want it to be great!!!! I realize that i went about everything the wrong way. I should have figured out if my marraige was really over before I got involved with someone else. I never should have hurt my wife the way I did. I tryed taking the easy way out and I hurt a lot of really great people by doing so. My wife has gave me a list of whats important to her and things I neeed to do to help us get through this burden I have put on our marraige. I am all most done with it but she still struggles with the pain and I under stand its going to take time but I want my family back! I am still in my buddies condo lonely as can be and it is so painful being away from them. How can I help my wife get past this and rebuild my marraige and make it great like I know it can be? please help me!!!!

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Does your wife post on this site? What is her name?

If you could edit this to add paragraphs, it would help a lot and you would get more response. Thanks.


BW Me, 56
WH, him 58
DS 25, 20, DD 23
EA (woman from his past contacted him on Facebook and EA started 7/09)
DD 8/9/09
NC 9/22/09
EA restarts 7/20/12
I learn of it 4/11/13
DD 7/8/13
Filed for Separation 7/26/13
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I had been unhappy in my marraige for a long time. We never did anything together my wife was always complaining how she was tired of cooking diner, taking care of the kids etc. She was always stressed out about the usual everyday demands. I would come home and try to give her a kiss or a hug and she would not be interested. Our marraige was more work then going to work its self. I would ask her if she wanted to go out or do something but she was always to tierd or just didn't want to. Then she would complain how we didn't do anything. I love to be with my kids but i didn't want to be home. it was bruteal she never paid any attention to me and she was always stressed. I did all the dishes all the time I did my own laundry and everyone elses when i could. The house was always a disaster and my days off I always cleaned. She was never affectionate if I never kissed or hugged her we never have. We would go months without being intimate regularly. I was tired of a dead marraige. I thought about leaving for probably two years.

Then I started talking to one of my associates a female. This was probably about November. We would talk alot at work in the beginning. Then we started texting and talking on the phone a lot. One night we went out as friends and played pool for a little while. My wife found out and was pissed. Rightfully so i shouldn't have been talking to a female as much as I was. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. Then it was about Thanksgiving and her family started getting involved. So I asked my wife if we could stay home for Thanksgiving so we could spend time together with our kids. I told her I did not want to go to her parents house and be around them. My wife said that she could not stay home that she needed to go to her parents for Thanksgiving or her mom would be very upset. I told her that i would not go to her parents. I begged her to stay home so we could have Thanksgiving as a family but she still insisted on going. I stayed home alone. It was one of the worst days of my life I didn't even eat. It showed me her dedication to me and our marraige!!!

Through December I continued to talked to my female friend at work on and off. I was trying to see if their was anything left of my marraige and make it a good Christmas for the kids. going into January things at home werent any better. My wife wanted me out of the house. I then meet my female friend from work and talked about what was going on. My wife was pissed but I figured she wants me out so things are over for my marraige it doesn't matter anyway. I never had any kind of physical contact with her at this point. The next day I called a good friend who gave me his condo to stay at because I had no where to go. Then i went back to my house to find all the locks on the doors had been changed and all my stuff was in bags in the garage. that weekend I met up with my female friend and we went to my friends condo and we ended up hving sex. My marraige was over she wanted me out so I thought it didn't matter. My affair went on for a month. I ended the relationship because I missed my family so bad.That was on March 5th. I had come to relize that i did love my wife and I wanted our marraige to be great. I don't want it to be what it was i want it to be great!!!! I realize that i went about everything the wrong way. I should have figured out if my marraige was really over before I got involved with someone else. I never should have hurt my wife the way I did. I tryed taking the easy way out and I hurt a lot of really great people by doing so.

My wife has gave me a list of whats important to her and things I neeed to do to help us get through this burden I have put on our marraige. I am all most done with it but she still struggles with the pain and I under stand its going to take time but I want my family back! I am still in my buddies condo lonely as can be and it is so painful being away from them. How can I help my wife get past this and rebuild my marraige and make it great like I know it can be? please help me!!!!

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Originally Posted by kiss
Then I started talking to one of my associates a female.

Kiss. The first thing you will have to do is quit that job and commit to no contact for life with OW.

Then HANDWRITE a NCL (no contact letter) to OW and give to your BW to approve and mail to the OW. Here is what the letter should say:



OW,

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I've caused my family.

Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity, and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

My spouse has all the details of our relationship and she will also be told of any attempts at contact.

Sincerely,
kss


These are your first steps. Are you willing to quit that job? I don't think your BW will have any interest in taking you back until you can do at least that.

I also see many justifications for your behaviour that all point to your wife. Stop that. You had an affair because YOU CHOSE to have an affair.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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Originally Posted by kiss
I begged her to stay home so we could have Thanksgiving as a family but she still insisted on going. I stayed home alone. It was one of the worst days of my life I didn't even eat. It showed me her dedication to me and our marraige!!!

Why couldn't you go and have a Thanksgiving Meal "as a family" at her parents? It sounds like you didn't want to face the consequences of your own behaviour because her family was getting involved.

This is the stuff that will only anger your BW and make her more determined to divorce you.

You need to start taking responsibility for your choices in life.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?



ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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OK, I am new to this board and have been reading the threads for several weeks now learning to deal with some of my own marriage issues so I am not an expert by any means, but really? I just don't know why more of the vets haven't called you out on this nonsense. Do you really want help saving your marriage? If so why haven't you replied to pokerface?

How long have you been married? How many children? What are their ages?

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2wanda. First time posters often do not get many posts until they come back after their initial post. It is not uncommon for a poster to run after their first post when they see what is really required in recovery.

I think Kiss may have been looking for a forum to validate him and did not find it here. No he does not seem to be serious.

Are you going to start a thread of your own? Welcome.



ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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Thank you for the welcome, pf. I just may.

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We have four kids two are hers previously and we have two together. A 5 year old boy and a 7 year old girl. I have changed locations and I have already wrote the letter.

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Originally Posted by kiss
We have four kids two are hers previously and we have two together. A 5 year old boy and a 7 year old girl. I have changed locations and I have already wrote the letter.

Ok. You are back. When did you write the letter and what did you say? Did you give it to your BW to mail? I'm asking because if the letter was not worded correctly...it will only anger your BW.

Who has the affair been exposed to? Is OW married?

Are you familiar with EP (extra-ordinary precautions)?

Are you serious about trying to save this?


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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If you're serious, we can help you. It will require time and commitment on your part, and a willingness to make fundamental changes in the way you've lived your life. In return, you have the chance for a M that is more wonderful than you ever dreamed of.

As part of your reading, feel free to read my story. There is plenty to learn from how my then-WH responded at first, during our false recovery, and the change when he was really serious about saving our family.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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my wife is on this thing and she told me what the letter should say. I gave it to her. Everyone knowshat happened. yes I am familiar with the EP and I am very serious about this.

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Which other EP's have you met? They all need to be done, in order to be effective.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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It's great that you want your wife back. It's also going to require hard work and focus. I'm a former wayward wife so I recognize the stuff in your first post about how unhappy you were in your marriage, and how many needs of yours were going unmet.

It's time to put that aside and focus on the damage YOU'VE created in your marriage by having an affair. Playing the victim and acting like somehow you were forced into an affair because of terrible unhappiness is not going to fly and it's not in your best interest.

The path back to your marriage will require you to wake up see how entitled you are to think you had an excuse to go get your rocks off and betray your wife and family in doing so.

What you've done is damaging in a way you can't possibly understand yet but it's time to start waking up. What are you willing to do to make this up to your wife, your kids and your families? Put aside whatever you think has gone wrong for YOU and focus on others.

I don't see much remorse in you. Are you here and willing to get to work because you might have a shot if you can take the focus off your selfishness and your justifications long enough to see how much harm you've caused. Address that now and start putting in place the conditions that will protect you from your own bad behavior from here on out.

I say this as one who's walked this path. It's not easy to let go of the story you created to help justify your selfishness but it is absolutely vital and if you can't do it, this isn't going to work.

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Originally Posted by kiss
my wife is on this thing and she told me what the letter should say. I gave it to her. Everyone knowshat happened. yes I am familiar with the EP and I am very serious about this.
Do you mean your wife has been on this site? Is she posting here?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted by kiss
my wife is on this thing and she told me what the letter should say. I gave it to her. Everyone knowshat happened. yes I am familiar with the EP and I am very serious about this.

kiss, if your wife has asked you to come here for help, then why don't you stick around and have a dialog with us... if you are serious.

A truly remorseful WS will do whatever it takes.

MB has a proven plan to help earn back the trust and rebuild the romantic love. It works...but you have to become an active participant.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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neak, I have given my wife access to my cell phone records and bank account info. I do not have any contact with the other female. Can you give me more examples of your EP's to assist me.

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Zibbles,
I do realize now what you said about my post. I do realize the aweful things I have done to my wife and family. I think about the pain I have caused her and the burden I carry is very heavy. I think about it constantly and cry several times a day. I miss my family miserably. I have been trying to be with my wife every second I can and when we are together it is great. Of course we have our ups and downs as she has a tough time dealing with it. All I want to do is be with her and hold her. I believe that she is unsure if she wants to be with me. I feel like she is o.k. with seeing each other just a couple days a week at best. She says all the time she loves me but I dont believe it. She has made little attempt to want to be with me and I feel that I am an inconveniance at this point. How did you recover your marraige and how did you get through the beginning pains and start to rebuild?

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pokerface,
sorry for not responding. I'm not a big computer person and I have never used anythig like this at all. The only thing I do on line is Ebay. I am commiting to checking in at least once a day!! The reason I did not go to Thanksgiving with my wife is because her parents house is very crazy and their is a lot of negativity their. I wanted to have a quite Thanksgiving and be able to do things with my kids. My inlaws house is very tight and not a lot to do. I really wanted time to cook and be with my wife to try to enjoy each others company instead of wondering how long until we could leave. I love my wife and am so pissed at my self that it took me screwing up to realize it.

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"The reason I did not go to Thanksgiving with my wife is because her parents house is very crazy and their is a lot of negativity their" Would you care to explain? What type of negativity? Or was it actually that you knew that they knew and certainly did not approve, so it is actually that you were ashamed and embarrassed to face them that you did not want to go?

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