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That's his defense mechanism; he knows he did the wrong thing for your family. I suppose. My H would get very defensive and attacking if I asked him how his day was! Lol, wow, don't miss that.

You plan A for a few weeks and then tell him you love him but this job situation is hurting you too much to remain in it, so you do not want to see him or speak to him until he has arranged to stop traveling.

Meanwhile, like your example above, you could have said, "I'd like to spend tonight and tomorrow with you, I thought we could (whatever). So and so can give S and D rides to wherever, and whoever can stay with them overnight. I thought I would wear is for you (insert flash-peek of some lingerie). How does that sound?"

If he just glances and shrugs and says, "whatever," you say, " Great! I'll make the calls." Then show him a GREAT time.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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Oh my H was a huge IBer. He would make up his mind about something and that was it, no negotiating. He would pretend to negotiate then do what he planned anyway. It was maddening. It took a long time to mostly overcome it. I say mostly because in January he had an unnecessary surgery I did not want him to have, the part he needed fixed had a 3day recovery, the part he didn't need but was tore up has a one YEAR recovery, and he got mad that I was trying to talk him out of it. Fwiw, he wanted pain relief and this part, which was not the cause of his pain before, hurts him like hell now. I wanted him to have pain relief, too, that's why I was trying to talk him out of it! I did a ton of research, he didn't want to hear any of it until he couldn't walk after a week. Before, he insisted that he would be up in three days, no big deal! Now, he can do less than he could before. Hopefully it will be fully better next year. I told him I thought I deserved a say in whether or not my H intentionally lamed himself.

The doctor had told him he could go forever without having that part replaced.

He did apologize for being so hard-headed and ill informed, and knew I had his interests in mind, although at the time he was calling me selfish. Hm? Lol.


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Interesting!! I promise you he will not quit this job, nor can we financially handle the time frame of him finding a new job after he has only been there 2 weeks. I am willing to work with him on this, but MUST be included. I would actually look forward to traveling with him, helping him, being his Vanna White, shall we say.
Plan A will be tough to implement, when the man wont hardly talk to me. I think what you are saying above, is to ignore the downers that he is laying out and go with it. Pretend, for now, that he wants me. DO NOT talk about the job etc, wish him well when he leaves for the next trip, and send along a carrot of what he could have when he gets back? Did I get that right?


Soo Tired of the sadness

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http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2400725&page=1

There's the plan a/b thread. Some tweaks would need to be made, of course, since it is directed toward infidelity. Especially read the stick part! Plan A is not doormat behavior. I am a huge fan of exposure. In your case, I would put a shout out to anyone who can influence your H--the kids, his folks, his siblings, his friends--and ask them to help you influence him to return home and stop traveling because it is harming your family. This is not an evil thing to do; him traveling is not a secret. He can either willfully and intentionally blow up your marriage right in front of everybody, or he can stop. Direct communication of your hurt is okay, too. Just do it matter-of-factly, NOT emotionally and crying. "I feel lonely when you travel and I don't like it at all. Will you go to the store with me? We need milk."

Did he travel before? Were you okay with it? I'm having a hard time reading you, sometimes you seem okay with it. If you are going to get anywhere, you need to have a solid opinion on this.


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He was in the Navy before, and I hated him being away. Before we got married, he retired and the travel stopped. He just informed me the other day that he has always resented me for that. If we do the travel together, and I am included, I am okay with it. We discussed this when he first started talking about the job. that excited me, that is what got me to buy into it. Now he says that was never really on the table, because he didnt really know what he would be doing for this company. Everyone we know, knows I am not happy about this job, and yes he gets mad every time he finds out I told one more person.


Soo Tired of the sadness

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So, now he is confused as to why I want to spend time with him, when I am still upset about the job. AS per your link, this is how the conversation went

Me: I am not happy about this job, and I wont be happy about it, but I want to spend what time we do have together in a positive way, until you are prepared to make the right decision about this.

DH: (look on face spells it out) You can be unhappy about the job, whatever. You are so up and down right now I dont know what to think.

Me: (Still under control!!) I am up and down right now, because I want to make the best of our time together, but I am not going to accept this job. I will be announcing to our friends, and yours, that I am not happy about this new job, that I am not committing to it and that in time I would hope you make the right decision.

DH: Fill your boots

Me: (losing control now) I ended the discussion with okay I will

so I have commented on his FB, where all of his friends are congratulating him, and boosting up the ego about how wonderful this is, by saying
His Post:
This is it... My last day at *****. It has been a good place to be for the year and a half. Looking forward to the new challenges that lay ahead working for ******.

My response to all his congratulatory comments:

"The challenges of what lay ahead are more than meets the eye. This will take time, to adjust not sure what that adjustment looks like for us, but with any luck, the job doesnt come before the wife and family. At this point we are just not sure"

I am sure he will enjoy it, unfortunatly his is giving up his family for it


Soo Tired of the sadness

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A simple "I am deeply unhappy with this change. I asked him not to take this job." would have sufficed (but you didn't, did you?). You are shooting yourself in the foot with your vagueness. I believe him when he says you are up and down. And you NEVER announce exposure, which in your case would not really be exposure as such, but an asking for help.

Slow the heck down, and be nice. You don't pelt him at every chance with your unhappiness. And you personally speak to people who can help influence him. Not put vague statements on his FB page. What did you expect to get from that? You are dangerous to your marriage right now, slow the heck down!

"right decision" was condescending. Where did you come up with that?

You really need to figure out exactly where you stand before you utter another word. Consistency is key. Go delete your post, apologize to your H, and tell him you are struggling right now. Period. If he wants more, tell him you want you BOTH to be happy. Period. You need to screw your head on straight before you talk more than that. You are sending mixed signals and you will need to be strong and clear.


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Point taken. Adice also taken ty


Soo Tired of the sadness

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tic, I was away this weekend, but am catching up. You mentioned your needs going unmet. I got active at church, it was like a family away from home, to give me strength to work on my marriage. I'm not saying it has to be a house of worship. I was talking to one lady yesterday who got a Mother's Helper, a teenager to come in and help in the afternoons. In HNHN for parents they also talk about how they got help when the kids are young. Not to replace your husband but to give you strength for the journey. Then you can have a peaceful talk with your H even while he's away, while you two negotiate something better long-term. CWMI is awesome and got through it without help but for me so much trying was exhausting.

Did you read the When to Call It Quits, especially the first one? Ellen took a year to get her ducks in a row. What would be a good timeline for you? Do you still think a few weeks out?

As CWMI points out, my marriage wasn't saved. Dr. H points out in the Q&As that a marriage can't be saved when drinking comes before the marriage, but I wanted to give it the best shot I had anyhow. Not every couple is going to follow the program and recover their marriage. But the ideas helped my family a ton anyway. We co-parent well together and we got through some personal and extended family tragedies stronger. I can't imagine facing the things we did without the simple concepts like thoughtful requests, respectful persuasion, negotiation.


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I have no idea how long this will last. As CWMI pointed out, I need to figure out what I want, and I need to take my time about it. Patience is not one of my strong suits.I tried to convince myself that I could deal with this travel, as long as the lies stopped. Well since I had that self talk, we have had at least two more lies (that I know of and have found out). We were talking about how busy I am personally going to be with the kids sports, reffing etc in the next two months (like 15 or so floor times a week!) I said I should not have to give up my reffing, because I had to look after everything else. He tells me our son told him that he did not want to ref as much this year, and that should drop the number of driving times down for me. I asked our son how much reffing does he want to do, his response as much or more than last year. Hmmmm.
So DH left for business today, gone for 4 days, one of them being a "fishing trip" before he comes home. Okay I am set for this. I woke up wanting to be angry, and just couldnt when I see little notes around "love you" Miss you, etc. Put a smile on my face and stopped me from being angry. Good right?? Well then once he lands and gets to the hotel, he text messages me that he "just" found out he is actually gone monday and tuesday next week as well, even though he told me under no circumstances was he travelling next week. I cant stand the lies, I get caught up in them and cannot see the forest through the trees. So being angry, I told him he should fly from where he is straight to where he needs to be, and dont bother coming home for the weekend. Yeah I know - slow down.


Soo Tired of the sadness

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Traveling kills marriages. I thought we could do it, too.

We did good for a while, but ultimately it won't work. Something a lot of people here told me and I refused to see or listen.



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tic, it's natural to feel that way. I used to reread the Friends of Good Conversation every day before my ex got home to remind me of the goal. It's great, your self-talk improves, too. Anything you can say with anger you can start to say with thoughtful requests and respectful persuasion. You can start your day over, tic, maybe a nice text message with something good that's going on.


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I dont think this will work, mostly because I dont trust him. What does that mean? I dont trust him to have my best interests at heart, I dont trust him with his whereabouts and why (is it work is it pleasure) he will tell me work, and then later on I find out it was all fun and games. I dont trust him when he gives me reasons to back his argument. Just yesterday he told me my son said something, that was not true. Had it been it would have helped his argument. Until I can trust him, and I dont know how to get that back, without just blind faith (which is what he wants), I dont know how him being away every week is going to work


Soo Tired of the sadness

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Wait a second, are you accusing him of knowing something before telling you different (straight lying), or not keeping promises when it comes to work? I, erm, "gained access" to show my husband that he KNEW he was lying to me when he did; he tried to play things off as 'just found out! sorry!'

"gained access" is a very valuable tool for trust recovery. Note I did not say "given."


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I would say a little of both. There are some things that he just plain lies about, there are others that he misleads me to gain approval, and then comes up with "well I didnt really know the facts", yet he gained my approval so in his mind its a done deal. How do I trust anything he says.

I will throw this one at you see what you think

Friday:
Me: I think I would like to go up to the cabin Monday/Tuesday to meet the guys working on it.
DH: Oh, tuesday? Hmm I think you should come back Monday to make sure everyone is ready for our holiday.

Today:
(he leaves for his 4 day business/fishing trip)(leaves me cute little notes - that I really like and brightens my day)
After he lands:
DH (via text) BTW, looks like I need to go away again Monday and be back Tuesday, I know you will be pissed but I have to do it. (this was paraphrased)

So the question is truth or coincidence??? He doesnt want me gone Monday/Tuesday then all of a sudden he is, so therefore I cant be due to commitments at home, which he was going to "help" with

Last edited by tryingincalgary; 03/28/12 12:12 AM. Reason: spelling

Soo Tired of the sadness

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I am having a hard time making sense of that. What guys do you want to meet at the cabin?

I would respond, "I already have plans that we agreed on for Monday, I will be home at x time that evening and the kids are looking forward to your dinner! Much love, tic."


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You seriously need UA time. And poja. "I'd like for us to go up to meet the guys working on the cabin this week. What day is good for you?" should do it.

"I will not have my life dictated by your job," should work, too.


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We have some work being done, and I just wanted to be there when they start. Yes I could say that...in fact did say (total LB) so much for my plans, to which he comments that I could go Saturday to Monday - which by the way I am going to. He doesnt "remember" talking about me going though - at least that is the claim.
I think he wants me to be the doting wife, mother etc, and drop what I am doing or have planned for his job, that I dont like. Again I get that anger thing going... I am just totally frustrated. It seems anything I want is not important, but I damned well better be here when he eventually is to fulfill his need for SF.


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Originally Posted by CWMI
"I will not have my life dictated by your job," should work, too.

That I have done, and get "oh well". You will need to be there when I am not.


Soo Tired of the sadness

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Ask him if he wants the doting wife. Tell him what it will take for him to get her.

I think you are your own worst enemy because you have agreed to everything you are clamboring about now. You want no travel? Then don't agree to "some." you want no new car? Then don't say okay. It is pretty simple stuff once you stop making grudging agreements. Then, at least, you can blame it all on him, lol.

Right now, it is on you, dear. Knock it off. Deciding what you really want and sticking to it does not make you a tyrannical B, it gives you a place to poja from, whether you H immediately gets on board or not. Respect, btw, works both ways. Nobody likes a liar, nobody likes a flip-flopper, either.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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