My lovely wife and I have been married for many(+15)years and now have teenage kids. I love my wife dearly, but I have to admit that I have not treated her the best during our marriage.

In Marriage Builder's context I have made significant withdrawals from the "Love bank" and as a result our marriage. There have been times where I have said hurtful things with the intention of hurting her. I have had times where I have become violent out of frustration. Old girlfriends have contacted me in Facebook and I have responded. I have browsed questionable Internet content involving scantily clad ladies. All of these things, my wife has found and become very angry with me. And rightfully so when you put it all in context. Through all this I have never had an affair sexual or emotional.

I dearly love my wife, but have a really difficult time showing it. She is a beautiful, wonderful mother and I really enjoy being with her when she is not harassing me about all the things I have done wrong.

I should feel some consolation that she partly upset out of jealousy. But I'm looking understand if the rest of her anger and resentment is born of disappointment (because she loves me) or pure apathy.

I really am at a loss to next steps. Last night was particularly hard because her conversation got particularly hateful (and mine too)and she specifically stated that she was looking for a divorce.

Any help and/or guidance would be appreciated.

Your story is similar to mine, only I am the DW that has been taking it.
I am not one to mentor, lord knows I am still struggling huge here, but I can tell you what it looks like from this side of things.
The old saying of "sticks and stones may hurt my bones but names will never hurt me", is simply put INCORRECT. Every hurtful thing you say hurts and lasts for a long time. After the "hurtful" conversation, do things somewhat just get better, and those words are just kinda gone? I can promise you, they are not for her, they are there nagging away. I cant say what your wife is looking for but have you ever sincerely apologized for the words you have chosen to use? Have you apologized for being violent? Does she "use the violence against you", in your opinion? What I mean by that is, has she appeared frightened for no apparent reason, and you get mad at that for "not letting go of what happened a year ago, 6 months ago etc"

You talk about her jealousy, and that you should have consolation in that. NO you shouldnt. Quite likely her jealousy is actually her feeling left out.
You need to spend more time together. I bet when you are spending quality time together on a consistent basis, you dont say things to intentionally hurt her, you dont get violent and she doesnt get jealous. Would that be correct?
Just talk to her, just spend time with her, just make sure not only hears you love her, but everything around her sings it out loud and clear. I think guys "think" that women just know the spouse loves and cares for them, some sort of telepathy thing. Not the case. Show her, tell her and do everything you can to spend that UA together.

What does this mean exactly?

And why does it "console" you to make your wife jealous? Why would you do things to make her jealous?

Those are not 'ladies'.
They are poor girls who have been forced to take up such jobs by violent boyfriends at best.
And cheap whores at worst.
Not ladies.

So stop it. What do you get out of this? All it does is hurt her and reduce your love bank balance.


Can you elaborate on this? It is not okay to smack your wife around. If your kids did something that merits spanking, that's one thing, but gratuitous beating of your kids is another entirely. Stop it. What are you frustrated about? Is alcohol or drugs involved when you get violent?[/quote]


This is a huge danger for you and it needs to stop. Harley strongly recommends no contact with former lovers - anyone who has a love bank balance, no matter how long ago, is a potential affair partner. Does this happen to everyone? No. Is it a huge risk factor? Absolutely. Cut it out. If you absolutely have to be on Facebook, merge accounts with your wife so you have one joint account where you can both see everything the other does.


Let's not mince words - also known as porn. Harley recommends against the use of porn for a variety of reasons. Many here consider it adultery, or a gateway to adultery. Your wife has become angry with you over it: so quit.


A complaint - delivered correctly - is an opportunity for improvement. My wife is telling me what I did wrong, and what I can do to fix it! How great is that? Do you actually listen when she complains?


What do you think she is disappointed about?

Here are some suggestions:

- stop doing the above things that make your wife angry
- get the Emotional Needs and Love Busters books
- counsel with the Harleys if you can afford it

I read a fair amount of anger, frustration, and even spite in your post. What is the cause of all that? What do you want that you're not getting from her (i.e. what is your biggest emotional need that is not being fulfilled)?

Based on your wife's complaints, what do you think she wants, and what do you think her emotional needs are?

You are right 'bucket on all the counts here. I appreciate your response and concern. I am truly devoted to my wife and need to really take the next three months focusing on making her understand that.

I know that I will have to deal with her anger toward me for some time (possibly forever). When this happens, I will have to resist the urge to say mean things back and focusing all of my energy back on her.

I really love my wife and am so disappointed in myself for what I have done to her, my relationship with her, my relationship with my family. This is going to be the toughest time of my life.

I would like to take a moment to thank you for your post.

I have to admit that I haven't always realized the the hurt that words can bring to a relationship.

My wife is one of those people you state that remembers things for a long time. Our conversations and arguments often include re-hashing of past things that I have said that hurt her. Over time, this emotional erosion can make even innocent comments seem like Put-downs. It makes every conversation and apology that more difficult to have.

I have apologized to her for hurting her with words an actions. Those apologies where heartfelt, honest apologies. Should I expect these to stick or should I need to apologize every day.

I love my wife and have no problem apologizing to her every day for each transgression, but at some point the meaning behind that would be lost. But there has to be a better way.

As far as my statement about the jealousy, I have consolation that she cares about me. She has told me that some of the things I have done make her jealous. That is better than pure apathy.

I have thrown things at my wife and have hit her. These are not things that happen frequently, but sporadically. Most of the time it manifests as slamming doors and stomping feet. Yes, sounds like a temper tantrum to me too.

I very ashamed and resentful of what I have done. When I look back at this I realize that this is destructive and makes her fearful.

I have read two anger management books and have attempted to follow the paths outlined in the books, but I have a hard time dealing with the feelings and urges that build up inside when I feel that my wife is being overly critical of my bad habits or actions. I know that this is wrong.

I am seeking professional counselling at this time for the anger management issues and am hopeful that this will help.

CC, a better tactic is to stop doing the things that need an apology. Listen to her and stop doing them. An apology does not erase resentment when you continue to do the same thing. Saying you are sorry does not cut it. As far as her jealousy, that is a signal that you should stop doing anything that makes her jealous. Making her jealous aggravates the situation.

You can resolve these problems if you follow this program. I would start with the book, Lovebusters and read it together. The first thing you need to do is to stop behaviors that drain the love in your marriage. Here is an article that gives a great overview of this program: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

Just so you know, Dr Harley recommends separating frmo a spouse that commits assault until he/she has their anger problem under control. Until you get yourself under control you are dangerous to your wife.

Harley discusses how anger can be controlled here: anger management 101