I�m Jerry from China. 30 years old.

The reason I came here is I�m in such a big dilemma in my marriage and I�m very confused. I can�t find out a good solution right now and I�m thinking maybe I can get more open thoughts from the other side of the planet. (I�m not English native please bear with me for my English errors)

I understand that this is a platform to help people to build up good relationship in marriage rather than breaking up. I am not sure if it is possible for me to get support from you because I�m the person who breaks the rule first in the marriage � I�ve got an affair, but I still want to share my story and seek for your advice.

To make it easier for you to get the points I will list down the current situations here:

1. I�ve been married for 4 years. I will not use �happy� to describe my marriage life but it�s still okay. Our marriage life is quite and simple. We don�t have much passion but don�t fight either. I think I will just keep this marriage if we don�t have the sex issue. We have sex issues from the very beginning � for some reasons she felt afraid to have sex with me (with any man, actually), and she thinks sex is kind of �dirty�. It is due to a bad experience during her childhood and she told me only months ago.

The Issue has been there for 8 years - We have dated 4 years before marriage and she was still a virgin until we were married. She was a very traditional Chinese girl who refuses to have pre-marriage sex (and now I get to know that was not the true and whole reason). After getting married she said okay we can have a try (her parents were aware of that and put a lot of pressure on her. She cried the first time when we had a try) but still resisted psychologically. After trying for 1 more year I had to give up as there was no much progress. Sadly after all the unhappy experience I don�t have any feeling any more. When we are together and it�s impossible for us to have sex anymore.And I have had psychotherapy several times, but no effect. I still care for her as my family just like she is my sister but that has become a pain in our marriage � we only had no more than 20 times sex experience during 8 years relationship and we never had a happy one.

We both know that & talked about that many times & I�ve thought about consulting with a doctor together, but it�s never an issue for her because physically she doesn�t have any needs for sex. It�s awkward to say but during all these 8 years I had to �self-help� to handle my own needs.

2. 2 years after marriage, our parents started to want a grandchild. Due to the sex problem it�s almost impossible for us to have a child. However, we don�t want to let our parents down and we all understand they were becoming older, that was their only wish in their life left. We tried every possible way (sorry I can�t go through the details as it�s kind of embarrassing) and finally we had a baby. After the baby was born we split the rooms till now. I know it seems to be a stupid idea to give birth to a baby in such a situation but that did happen here with Chinese traditional concept. I grow up in a family where parents are always the most important and I didn�t want to break their heart. I�m very regretful for that decision but life can never be reversed.

3. During the past 4 years in marriage, there were many times that some girls approached me and suggested ONS (you know there are these kinds of girls everywhere), but I never wanted to sleep with somebody who I don�t love. I didn�t want to cheat on them either.
As I said I am refusing to have sex with others and in the mean time I am handling my own needs privately but I became more and more confused what should I do. Should I still do the same in my following life? Am I still able to resist lure?
4. It was until 6 months ago that I fell in love with a girl. She is my colleague and we have known each other for 3 years. She is smart, kind, happy, and always positive. I would not talk too much about her but she is the very kind of girl that I like most so far.

5. I decided to divorce, not only because I loved the girl, but also because I realized my marriage is not going to work out. So I raised it with my wife. For the last half year I�ve been talking with my wife about divorce but she never agreed because we have a daughter. I understand that it would be very hurtful for her and my daughter but it�s really difficult to maintain such a marriage relationship with no sex at all.
6. For me divorce is also a very tough decision because it�s difficult for me to leave my daughter and also I don�t want to leave any negative impact on her because of my marriage issues.


I know it�s impossible to let you guys make a decision for me but I do need some advice�please.

I�m also thinking about sacrificing ourselves and keep the family integrality for my daughter but sometimes I can�t imagine living the rest of my life in such a marriage. I�m afraid if our marriage will still end up with a breakup one day � at that time would it bring even more hurt to my daughter when she has grown up? What should I do to maintain the marriage?

Some ppl suggested that I maintain my current marriage but keep an external relationship privately but that is the last thing I want to do, and it also disobeys my heart, I do not think I can live against my conscience. I do not want to live with guilty and betray. Also I believe it would impose even bigger impact on my daughter to grow up to find out her father is being cheating on mother for years.

If I get divorced (mother will get the daughter according to the law as she is only 1 years old), is there any good way to protect my daughter from getting hurt from parents� breakup? Will my daughter think when she grows up that she is redundant and was abandoned by her father?

And another big concern is my parents, they are very traditional Chinese. Months ago my mother fainted once she knew I am going to divorce, she has high blood pressure and loves my daughter so much, and also she cannot accept divorce from her traditional mind. So I am so worried about what will happen to her if I finally divorce.

Those are the biggest concern for me currently and I can hardly make the decision if there is no good chance to protect daughter and I am also caring for my parents� healthy. I am balancing the love and family everyday and fell in deep sorrow. I know people would not suggest like � yes go ahead and divorce�, but I still want some suggestions on how to reduce the impact on my daughter in case we have to get divorced finally.

During last half year I�ve not told my wife yet about my affair and I feel guilty about that. During one argument she said if you are in love with someone else let�s break up, if not yet, I don�t see any reason for the breakup. She believes we can sustain the marriage without sex and she does not want to bring divorce to my daughter�s life. Shall I tell her the truth about my affair and so that we can talk about this more open and fairly? If there is other option, any other suggestions or any view I would appreciate and I do need to hear different voice right now. I thank all of you for reading my story.

Jerry, the best possible outcome is for you to create a happy, romantic marriage with your wife where all your needs are met. We can help you get that if you listen to us and follow these steps. That is IF your wife will agree to stay married to you. If she agrees to stay with you after you tell her a about the affair, we can help you get what you want. Howver, you have caused great harm to your marriage by having an affair. It will take alot of hard work to recover from the damage you have caused.

The first thing to do is to tell your wife all about your affair and end contact with the OW. Your wife has a right to know what you are doing to her behind her back. Telling her this also helps her understand how serious the problem is. She apparently does not know that her refusal to meet your needs has caused great harm to her marriage and caused you to think about ending it.

After this is done, your wife needs to learn to meet your needs in a way that makes you both happy. She cannot expect to stay in a marriage where she refuses to meet your needs. She can learn to enjoy sexual relations with you. You CAN create a happy, romantic marriage with her if you use this program.

But honesty is first. Tell your wife the truth and end your affair with this woman. That is the only way you can have a happy marriage with your wife.

You will find all the help and information you need here, no matter what country you're from.

Mel is right. Telling your wife is the right thing to do, no matter what she decides to do about the marriage. You have already hurt her terribly, she just doesn't know it yet. You will not spare her pain if you don't tell her; you'll only make her pain worse when she does find out.

Thanks you Mel and Neak, I understand that maintaining the family and marriage is the most important and it is primary option we should choose. Being honest is also the key principle in your theory system. And that is also why I feel guilty to have the affair, so I have been not confident to raise the divorce to my wife with the only reason I lay as sexy problem. However, I commit that to have the affair is my fault, but it is part of the reasons I would divorce, the root cause is the sex issue. If I am not able to resolve the sex problem with my wife finally, I really doubt how I shall do in my left life without sex. Honestly I am not very confident in resolve the sex issue, it has been so many years and we have tried. So I need your advice, in that case, I might still divorce with my wife some day, how shall I do to minimize the impact on the family and my daughter. I am thinking if keeping the secret of the affair will decrease the pain of her. She has been already hurt terribly, should I not tell her the affair and expose the sex issue as the only reason might not lead divorce to any hatred, because I hope we still maintain a harmonious relationship even we divorce.

Jerry, you will NOT get support here for lying to your wife about what you are doing.

Your wife admits due to a painful experience that she is averse to sex, and your response is to have an affair and then lie to her about it. That is not what you said in your vows. Your vows tell you to help your wife through this so you can be a loving couple and provide a strong family foundation for your child.

Why should your wife have sex with a man who is a liar and having sex with another woman? Why? How do you think you can resolve this by lying to her? You can't.

I understand the Chinese concept of "saving face" but that is contrary to every principle of Marriage Builders and it will not be supported.

I understand and accept that you don't want to stay married if your wife refuses to have sex with you. However, that can't be changed if she doesn't understand how far this has gone. And lying to your wife will not cause her less pain, but more pain. She can't protect herself and her children from you if she doesn't know you are harming her behind her back.


That is a selfish and cruel excuse to lie to your wife. Your relationship is not harmonious. Your adultery is about the most hostile, abusive thing you could do a spouse. Lying to her only compounds your crime.

You have a chance to avoid divorce if you will listen to us. The solution is to be HONEST with her about your affair and tell her [after she gets over the shock] that you won't live in a marriage where your needs are not met. She can be taught how to enjoy sex. You CAN have a satisfying, happy sex life if she is willing to LEARN. She didn't learn this in the past because you were not doing the right things.

If you had found this place, and posted asking for help BEFORE your adultery, our main focus would have been your wife's aversion to sex, and assisting you in helping her overcome it.

Our idea of a happy marriage for you includes your wife learning to please you, and to be pleased sexually herself.

As it turns out, you didn't arrive here till after the adultery. Adultery is a far greater crisis than sexual aversion, and that is now where we must focus our attention (and yours) until that is dealt with. Then, and only then, can we begin to address your wife's problems.

It's like a house that had a few places with dry rot, and the foundation was crumbling at one corner. In that condition, the workers would start fixing the dry rot and the foundation.

But before they got there, one of the homeowners took a wrecking ball and knocked most of the house down. Suddenly, there was a much more pressing item on the list. You can't fix a house that isn't standing. The very best thing the homeowners can do is to build a new house on the same spot, stronger and more beautiful than before, without the weaknesses of the first house.

And I can assure you first-hand that the pain of being lied to about adultery is even greater than the pain of the adultery itself. The longer the lie goes on, the worse it is for everyone.

Do you really think she will never find out?