I would keep it very simple and factual - WH has a history of cheating and lying to you about the cheating. He has trickle truthed you for the past six weeks and you have told him you need for him to become radically honest and pass a poly. Aside from failing the poly, it is very clear that he is still lying because his story doesn't make sense.

And make it clear to the counselor that you are not waiting around for him to get counseling. If he wants his marriage he comes clean now.

WH just called me and said his counselor was more than willing to meet me, but she wanted to talk to him alone....lol! She hasn't called me back yet either.

We had a family reunion planned for August for his side of the family out of town. He just sent me the following text:

Just letting u know you have a ticket to anywhere southwest flys if you need to get away for a week. �I can take care of the dogs if u decided to go. Just thought I'd let u know, because ticket is paid for

For those that did Plan B, what did you add in your addendum?

Hi Starfish,

I didn't do Plan B but Indiegirl, Scotland, Estrela are all great examples of Plan B done well.

RocketQueen is an example of someone who sent out the letter for Plan B but still continues to communicate in Plan B. Her lovebank is diminishing and it appears to have taken a great emotional toll on her.

I just want you to make sure when you push the Plan B button that you are all in and are ready with firm boundaries. I would think about the potential cracks in your plan so you can work up ideas how to plug them.

We are rooting for you!

Haven't been to church in a LONG TIME, but going tonight. Mutual friends of ours invited me to attend their service tonight. The man is BF's with WH. I look very cute tonight...

Maybe it will get back to him...

I still need major help on my addendum, so if anybody has any ideas, please let me know. Thank you!!!

Starfish. I see you have asked this a few times. Why not post your PBL and what you have so far on the addendum and start from there.


I have to ask...did WH BF best friend know what was going on behind your back? Is this person supporting your marriage?

I don't believe he had any idea.... I think he is in shock too!

Part of my addendum was originally this, which may work for you:

A wise MB friend helped me to rework it to this to be less confrontational:

My addendum was also about finances and visitations.

Can you post your PBL on here so we can help you edit it?

WS,

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped to make your affairs possible. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for the both of us that meet your needs.

But, I cannot do that until you are completely honest with me about your past. Until then, I will avoid seeing or talking to you. My friend (), has agreed to act as an intermediary and will forward any pertinent information about finances, the dogs or the house.

Your affairs and your continued dishonesty have caused me enormous suffering and I cannot stay in contact with you under theses conditions. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If we continue as we are now, there will be nothing left.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your dishonesty, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are not telling me the truth. I still love you, but I cannot see you under these conditions.

(Thjnking about adding the following paragraph to the addendum or should I leave it in the letter?):
As soon as you can be completely honest and pass a polygraph test, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then, there will never again be a reason for us to separate.

More than anything, I want to make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. With all of my heart, I want to build a new marriage with you. One in which we both feel loved, safe, cherished and honored. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And, I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you while you as long as you are being dishonest. I want to grow old with you. I loved you more than life itself while we were together. You were my soulmate.

When you find yourself willing to truly and fully commit to our marriage, willing to work on a plan for our recovery, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future.

With my love,
BW

*This is what I have so far... Might need a few adjustments, but I like it so far!

Addendum.... not quite sure how to word this page!

1). Full confession
2). Pass polygraph
3). Sincere, remorseful apology
4). A detailed recovery plan???
5). Belongings (location)
6). Finances: he handled all of the bills before and makes over 2x's what I make, so not quite sure how to go about this.
7) Build healthy boundaries and know what they are
8) Complete transparency in everything you do
9). Answer all of my calls/texts ASAP!
10). No overnight trips (business or personal) without
your wife.
11). No hanging out at bars without your wife
12). Shared passwords for all financial/personal/email accounts

* should I add something about not seeing our dogs until he can commit to these things?

Please tell me the order I should do everything in Plan B too!

Changing the licks, letter, personal belongings, etc.

He won't disclose anything about his counseling session, but said his counselor believes that she can help him. She told him that in order to do so, he needs to be honest and open with her 100% and to keep their meetings confidential for the time being. She did say that I could call her, which I'm planning on doing tomorrow. I asked him what she thought she could help him with and he said that the goal was lying and dishonesty.

I would do a couple changes. One which is a bit disrespectful in wording and the other which uses the word 'soulmates' which really is a romantic fallacy and vague (though seemingly powerful)

So how does everything sound above?

Thank you!

starfish, leave that part out for now. This is what can be discussed if he agrees to meet your conditions in your letter. Hold this for later.

starfish, you can figure this out, but you might want to change the locks first and then send him the letter. You set it up so you don't have any discussion about the letter so that might mean you mail him the letter or leave it on his porch.

You might also pack up his belongings, place them in the garage and have your IM tell him he can retrieve them.