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I wouldn't go, starfish.
If it were me, I would be saying something like: "If you aren't going to come clean, there is no reason to go to counseling"
Sorry to keep hammering you about the counseling, but I believe this may be possibly? part of the reason that your WH hasn't come clean - he sees loopholes where he may be able to continue to gaslight you and the counselors so he doesn't realize how serious you are. Maybe it wouldn't make a difference but still, I think it sends a mixed message...
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Why do you need to show her the results?
She isn't a judge or jury.
She isn't a person you owe anything to.
She worked/s for you.
She isn't a magician either. Whether she believes the test or not isn't going fix him and the marriage.
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Tonight will be our last MC appt. WH is coming by before the appt. to see the dogs (and me I assume) and then we will drive separately to our MC appt. My psychologist said to make it a wrap-up session and only discuss the poly results and that he is still lying and where do we go from here? I have no doubt that your husband will try and "negotiate" anything other than coming clean and passing a polygraph. ["have faith in me!!" "I am one of the 5%!"] That would be futile to sit there for an hour listening to more fogbabble, which is more likely to cause you to EXPLODE just before you go into Plan B. And you want to leave the best taste possible before you go into plan B. A session of fogbabble and angry outbursts would be a terrible way to end Plan A! If he starts in with the fogbabble, I would politely state your conditions again, stand up, hand him the letter and then leave and go home. There is no reason for you to stay if he does that. You can't reason with a falling down drunk. If you leave, the counselor can spend that time expressing to him that he will lose you if he doesn't come clean. I can't hand him the letter tonight, because it's not finished and I don't have Indigirls's name to include in my letter as our IM. I'm not sure what to do about that... I haven't heard back from her. Maybe I can find another IM here? I really want to get Plan B rolling, but I need an IM. Also, I do not have the locks changed yet. I haven't seen your email! Im still happy to. Can you ask the mods to send your addy to me again as I haven't seen that either.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Tonight will be our last MC appt. WH is coming by before the appt. to see the dogs (and me I assume) and then we will drive separately to our MC appt. My psychologist said to make it a wrap-up session and only discuss the poly results and that he is still lying and where do we go from here? I have no doubt that your husband will try and "negotiate" anything other than coming clean and passing a polygraph. ["have faith in me!!" "I am one of the 5%!"] That would be futile to sit there for an hour listening to more fogbabble, which is more likely to cause you to EXPLODE just before you go into Plan B. And you want to leave the best taste possible before you go into plan B. A session of fogbabble and angry outbursts would be a terrible way to end Plan A! If he starts in with the fogbabble, I would politely state your conditions again, stand up, hand him the letter and then leave and go home. There is no reason for you to stay if he does that. You can't reason with a falling down drunk. If you leave, the counselor can spend that time expressing to him that he will lose you if he doesn't come clean. I can't hand him the letter tonight, because it's not finished and I don't have Indigirls's name to include in my letter as our IM. I'm not sure what to do about that... I haven't heard back from her. Maybe I can find another IM here? I really want to get Plan B rolling, but I need an IM. Also, I do not have the locks changed yet. I haven't seen your email! Im still happy to. Can you ask the mods to send your addy to me again as I haven't seen that either. Yes, I just replied all to the email from the mod. Hopefully you will have my email soon. I'll try to resend to you. Could it have gone into your junk mail?
Last edited by starfish75; 03/29/12 02:08 PM.
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The MC session tonight is just a wrap-up session per my psychologist. I will not stay if he starts saying that he has told me everything... I will just leave. I'm only doing what my psychologist told me to do to wrap up MC, because she agrees MC is useless to us while he is lying. I want to show the MC the polygraph results, so she can see for herself that he was lying to her too. I might just leave after that, but I will not LB!
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That would be futile to sit there for an hour listening to more fogbabble, which is more likely to cause you to EXPLODE just before you go into Plan B. And you want to leave the best taste possible before you go into plan B. A session of fogbabble and angry outbursts would be a terrible way to end Plan A!
If he starts in with the fogbabble, I would politely state your conditions again, stand up, hand him the letter and then leave and go home. Even if you can't do the letter yet, you can still state your conditions and leave. Anything but sitting there till you love bust I agree with Mel about leaving the 'best taste' possible too. Wouldn't it be more productive to go out for coffee or dinner? If you're up to it. Flirt like crazy and change the subject whenever he talks relationship talk. Then at the end of the night say you hope he does the right thing soon so you can have 'more times like these' I was advised to have a flirty coffee date with mine after he refused NC. However I'm not as familiar with this type of serial cheat like Susie and Mel. If he's too doggedly persistent in badgering you, maybe a flirty 'remember when' email as your carrot before you plan B.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I am going to go, but it's only because I want to show her the polygraph results and that I cannot go anywhere from here without complete honesty. I will do my best to remain calm, take deep breaths and not love bust. I will not discuss Plan B. WH will find out when I give him the letter. I still need to change the locks, pack his personal belongings and confirm an IM. I'm stuck right now... Why are you going? Because the MC may only take his side and validate his position that you should "have faith" in him. Then he is less likely to EVER give you the truth. The damage this could cause is a great risk.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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That would be futile to sit there for an hour listening to more fogbabble, which is more likely to cause you to EXPLODE just before you go into Plan B. And you want to leave the best taste possible before you go into plan B. A session of fogbabble and angry outbursts would be a terrible way to end Plan A!
If he starts in with the fogbabble, I would politely state your conditions again, stand up, hand him the letter and then leave and go home. Even if you can't do the letter yet, you can still state your conditions and leave. Anything but sitting there till you love bust I agree with Mel about leaving the 'best taste' possible too. Wouldn't it be more productive to go out for coffee or dinner? If you're up to it. Flirt like crazy and change the subject whenever he talks relationship talk. Then at the end of the night say you hope he does the right thing soon so you can have 'more times like these' I was advised to have a flirty coffee date with mine after he refused NC. However I'm not as familiar with this type of serial cheat like Susie and Mel. If he's too doggedly persistent in badgering you, maybe a flirty 'remember when' email as your carrot before you plan B. I think it's going to be too hard to have coffee or dinner with him and not discuss anything. I think I'll be more liable to LB if I go out with him, because I'm going to want to shake him!
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Wrap up appointments are necessary.
Showing the results isn't either.
Your therapist has the best of intentions of suggesting you go but it isn't logical in this situation and may cause additional barriers to the ones you are already dealing with......(my 2 cents....others can add theirs)
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My plan is to look good tonight, speak kindly, laugh, etc. I'll then state the facts and if he starts spewing more lies, I'll just state that I cannot stay in a marriage while he is still lying and walk out gracefully. What do you think?
Also, he is going to come by and see the dogs before our appointment, so I can do my best to act happy, etc. Should I say anything in particular?
Last edited by starfish75; 03/29/12 02:16 PM.
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The MC session tonight is just a wrap-up session per my psychologist. I will not stay if he starts saying that he has told me everything... I will just leave. I'm only doing what my psychologist told me to do to wrap up MC, because she agrees MC is useless to us while he is lying. I want to show the MC the polygraph results, so she can see for herself that he was lying to her too. I might just leave after that, but I will not LB! So you are taking the argument into the MC's office and he will sit there and insist that he is being truthful. Then your gullible MC will take his side and they will pile on until you explode and leave. Then you are stuck with a big fight as the last thing he remembers before you go dark. It is not just that the MC is useless while he is lying, the MC is useless because she cannot discern a lie. This MC did not even support the polygraph in the first place.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Wrap up appointments are necessary.
Showing the results isn't either.
Your therapist has the best of intentions of suggesting you go but it isn't logical in this situation and may cause additional barriers to the ones you are already dealing with......(my 2 cents....others can add theirs) I completely understand what you are saying, but I cancelled my last appt. less than an hour before the appt. I have only 3 hrs. before this appt. I spoke with the MC last week and she knows he has been lying, so I'll let her deal with him if it becomes too much. She did say that she would talk to him about how we can't proceed until he is honest.
Last edited by starfish75; 03/29/12 02:21 PM.
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Ok, I just sent WH a text asking why he wants to go to MC?
His response: Why not?
Last edited by starfish75; 03/29/12 02:25 PM.
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Starfish: just catching up with your post. I saw your request for help with the addendum, but as it was pointed to you, the adddendum usually deals with practical kids/finance stuff. If you do not have these issues, no need for one.
BS (me) 46
STBX WH 53
Married 2000
DS, 11; DS, 10
1st A: LT D-Day - 02/14/06
2nd A: D-Day - 12/21/11
Plan B since 1/17/12
Divorcing
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How should I respond to his response to his last text?
He just sent me another text:
I'm not forcing you to you WS.� If you don't want to, then you can call Dr. ? and cancel, just let me know.� I just thought we both wanted to work on our marriage, but if I'm mistaken on that then just tell me.
Last edited by starfish75; 03/29/12 02:46 PM.
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[quote=reading] She did say that she would talk to him about how we can't proceed until he is honest. That's a bit too fluffy for my liking. She does sound gullible and not hard nosed enough to call him a liar and back you up well enough. If you couldn't manage a coffee date without lovebusting, then I don't see this MC appt going well. I'd send a loving text/email about how you are really looking forward to rebuilding your marriage when he makes the right decision. Say you had hoped hed be more ready to do this by now but tonight is clearly too soon for him. Maybe throw some needs meeting in there or a nice memory as carrot, too.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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star-
say- I do want to work on our marriage honey. and what i would like is xxxxx (your standard email that you have sent about being honest....)
if he is coming to see the dogs before why not in you best cutest outfit and make up..... say "you know i am sorry i will be unable to make the appointment with you tonight, but she is expecting you. if you would like to have coffee after i am free" and wink.
I dont get why your IC thinks your need a wrap-up with an MC. I think you are headed for a meeting that will leave you more confused and angry and your H with another day off. "Look star i did what you wanted, i went to MC with you...." its just a bad session waiting to happen on all sides.
Me 44- yes ugggh
WH 47
together 26 years M 19
serial cheater big time
DD1 2.24.11
NC letter sent 3/7/11
NC letter to OW2 april
final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18
working the plan
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What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Definitely consider suggesting a dog walk with him instead or stargazing and trying to do something enjoyable.
You could say "Let's do something fun instead."
You sort of seem sure of Plan B.....so have a bit of fun/enjoyment and not too much relationship talk as you prepare to go into your place of protection and self discovery (plan B).
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I just told him if he is not ready to be honest, then I did not want to waste a precious hour of my time and we could take the dogs for a walk instead.
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