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I have been married almost 20 years. We have 3 children-2 teen and one pre-teen. Our marriage has never been great, but in the last few years I have discovered things about my husband that have completed changed the way I think about him and broken my trust and I really don't know where to go from here.

He has "flirted" with women our entire marriage, whether it be at work, soccer, previous friends from school, other sports, etc. It is part of his personality, but I never worried a whole lot about it. In the last few years, he started to develop "friendships" with women at work, such as his secretary, or other people that worked with or for him, etc. I started asking questions and he made me feel I was jealous or crazy, yet he would receive texts from her/them in the evenings, on the weekends, etc. I've learned, it doesn't seem to be just one person, he goes through periods of 4-6 months or so with different women--women from sports our kids' play, work, etc. He always claims it's nothing, yet if it bothers me, I wonder why he always defends it so much and doesn't just stop?? Awhile back I accidentally discovered that he had been privately messaging an old girlfriend on FB, whom he knew I had a problem with (due to lying about secretly meeting up with her before we were even married!) He stopped messaging and at my request even unfriended her. 6 months later, I was bored on vacation and looked through his phone browser history (completely innocently) and found he had been searching online for this same girlfriend. He, of course, told me I was insecure and blew it off again, but I can't forget it and things like that keep making 'dings' in the love bank.

Throughout our marriage he has physically and emotionally abused me. I am ashamed to admit it since I have stayed with him all this time. Physically, it typically would happen once a year, but he always apologized and swore he would never do it again. He has emotionally abused me by yelling a lot and saying extremely hurtful and cruel things and has admitted that he knowingly does this. A couple of years ago our son was ill for almost a year. *I* took him to dozens of doctor appointments, tests, procedures, researched the Internet for possible help, etc. and it was a very stressful time. Thankfully he is better now, but it was a very difficult time not knowing what was wrong with him and seeing our son so sick. During a fight, my husband actually had the nerve to accuse me of intentionally making our son sick. Deep down I don't believe that he thought that, but he knows that my kids mean everything to me and it was something that would hurt me deeply. Of course, it did hurt me, more than words can describe.

I feel after reading all of this, that those would have been enough things to make most people give up. I stayed for my children. I grew up with happily married parents and felt I owed it to my children to do the same for them. However, as they get older, I notice my husband getting more and more angry with my children. It's one thing for him to treat me the way he does, but it is completely unacceptable for him to start doing it to them. I have been watching it very carefully and quickly step in if I feel the situation heating up, but I feel that my children are realizing we are taking separate sides and will start using that to their advantage soon, if they haven't already.

I guess for me, the straw that broke the camels back is my recent findings. One day when my husband was away for the day, I needed to use a program on his work computer. I got on with his permission, again, not trying to snoop, but when I was finished with my business, I decided just to check his Internet History. What happened after that sent my head spinning. History going back to December of him looking at women -- half-clothed women, naked women, some not more than 2 or 3 years older than our own daughter, disgusting videos, etc. I know compared to those on this board whose husband's have had an affair, it may not seem the same, but to me, this seems as bad as an affair. I feel completely betrayed. Despite the fact that my husband flirted and talked with women, I honestly never felt he was the kind of person to look at porn or naked women. He knew how much I was against this. If he is capable of this, what else is he capable of?? In looking at the history, he would look at it early in the mornings here in our home - while his WIFE and CHILDREN were up sleeping. He would do it in the evenings while we were here and sometimes when I questioned what he was doing at night, he always told me it was WORK and was annoyed from me asking. He even did it at work on his WORK computer, which is unbelievable to me, considering it could have jeopardized his job. When I finally confronted him, he LIED and denied it completely. Even though I had evidence. He finally admitted back to the month I had evidence, but a few days ago now has admitted it has been going on longer, so he had LIED again the last time I asked. I told him that he needed to get help for it and he told me he would but that he was anxious for me to have a counselor tell me that it is *NORMAL* for guys to do this. I could see in the history everything he searched on. He looked for very specific things, which were shocking. He looked at fantasy-type things that he never has brought up to me and it makes me feel that I have no idea who this person that is my husband really is. It was simply devastating to me. It makes me feel that I am not pretty enough, thin enough or good enough for him and that he had to look elsewhere to fulfill his fantasies. I wonder had I not discovered this, what else could have happened, or if it already has. After all of this, I don't want him to touch me. I have no idea how I will ever have sex with him again, how I will ever compare or live up to these fake expectations or images he has in his mind. That area of our marriage already had difficulties, so this has completely ruined it.

I feel that I have put up with so much in our marriage and don't know if I can continue doing this for my kids' sake. I certainly am not a perfect person, but am honest, faithful and take care of him and our family. He found the Marriage Builder web site and has sent several links and asked that I read them. I have read a lot of the articles and found this forum. He has printed questionnaires out, but I have told him right now that my LoveBank is just empty and I can't do it. I am numb and feel that I don't even know the person I have been married to all of these years. At this point, I don't think I feel any love at all. I have no idea why the "friendships and flirting" and looking at naked women bothers me more than the physical or emotional abuse, but it does. Maybe it's the lies and dishonesty and hiding things. But it hurts worse. I guess I could put up with hitting or words to some degree, but this latest just makes me feel that I'm just not good enough. frown I know I am and I know I deserve happiness, so that is why I don't know if I want to go through with all of this: the questionnaires, the program, etc. I know I should want to try for my kids, but I wonder if it would better for all of us to just end it. I feel in some ways that I have "enabled" all of this to go on for all of these years. If I give in AGAIN and try to work things out, I will give him the impression that I am forgiving him and he can go back to his usual ways. Am I simply still enabling him? I have asked him to get counseling for the porn and anger issues. He hasn't. As I've talked or emailed him the things that have hurt me, he still defends himself, gets angry and yells hurtful things, while in the same conversation asking me to participate in this program?!? It is all so confusing and I just don't think his is capable of changing, without a lot of professional help.

We have struggled with our marriage for a LONG time. More than 8 years ago I suggested a marriage retreat to try and strengthen our marriage and he laughed at me. We have tried to work on things at various times by scheduling dates, but our family schedule really does not work in our favor. We have 3 extremely involved children. They are in multiple activities at once and require us being gone literally almost 7 days a week. They are in school activities, band and travel sports, so we travel during winter AND summer. We are almost always separated and usually each handling 2-3 activities per evening, but the brunt of the running falls on me. We have no family that can help. My mother passed away nearly 10 years ago and my father's health does not allow him to travel the 2 hours to our house. My in-laws (a whole other topic) live 10 minutes from us, but have completely abandoned our family so we only see them at Holidays. We have absolutely no one to help with the kids, which makes our situation more difficult, because I don't know how we will ever devote the time to each other that we need to even try to reconcile. We are LUCKY if we go out on a date even ONCE a year! frown

Will counseling help me forgive and more importantly FORGET what he has done? Should he get help and show that he is willing and capable of changing BEFORE I try to participate? Am I enabling him to continue his ways if I give in and participate in MB? Is he even capable of changing after all of these years?? I am very sorry this is so long and I have so many questions, but I don't know what to do. I am exhausted and feel that I am slipping into depression, but have 3 children who depend on me to hold it together. I am so hurt and so angry I just sit each day and either cry or go over and over all of the hurt and lies and keep making myself more and more miserable.

Thanks, so much, for any advice!!

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Welcome to MB .. sorry you are here. But this is the best place to be .. vent .. and come up with a plan on recovery. Check this article - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_leave.html - why women leave men

Have you read the BASIC CONCEPTS? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

Do you have any of the books? If not .. i suggest getting the following books and spend time reading them TOGETHER OUT LOUD during your UA time. " HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS " ... " LOVE BUSTERS " ... "HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS FOR PARENTS" .. "FALL IN LOVE STAY IN LOVE" and last but not least if there is a suspected affair get "SURVIVING AN AFFAIR"

I do NOT suggest counselling ... they will NOT restore love in your marriage. Beenderdundat. In fact they have a 84% failure rate and the highest rate of divorce of any occupation. You will waste your money and time .. and come out feeling worse than when you went in.. i guarentee it. Your best bet is to work this program here .. and do a stellar PLAN A but prepare for PLAN B.

Your husband has several red flags of a brewing affair ... 1. Flirting with other women is VERY inappropriate for a married guy... 2. Porn is a form of adultery ... for the reason that it creates a contrast effect agasint you, even if he feels its normal. Because you feel betrayed by it .. it is adultery.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5050a_qa.html - addiction to porn letter #1

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5050b_qa.html - addiction to porn letter #2

I would also suggest you get a keylogger and put it on your home PC there is a few good ones and find out his passys and what he is REALLY doing on the PC .. www.desktopshark.com is good (i use it) Eblaster is also recommended. If you find something DO NOT CONFRONT bring it here and we can help you with the next steps.

Read this article here. -> http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8501_fft.html - What is an affair.

How much time do you guys spend together? without TV ... without kids ... without friends? Dr. Harley recommends 15hrs a week of undivided attention without TV, friends or kids. why? read this it will explain it.

- http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8112_care.html - caring for kids means caring for eachother.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5044a_qa.html - not enough time together #1

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5044b_qa.html - not enough time together #2

You say your hubby is physically abusive? is he an alcoholic? Does it usually happen when he is drinking then regrets it later? If he is an alcoholic that will need to be taken care of FIRST before MB can be put into action.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5067a_qa.html - abusive marriage letter #1 (there is several letters once you visit the link 1-6 i think).

Stick around .. get some books .. ask some questions.. and answer questions posters give you with complete honesty and we can give you the support you need to restore love in your marriage again and help you form a plan.

MNG




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Thanks, MrNiceGuy! I will definitely order the books and have just gone through and read all of the articles you linked in your message.

To answer your question, my husband is not an alcoholic and does not use drugs. We might have an occasional beer or two while watching a football or basketball game, but I can't remember the last time he even had too much to drink. He has temper issues and is aware of them. One minute, he is making jokes, the next minute he snaps. He has been increasingly more angry, especially when he comes home from work. On the outside, people think of him as being very confident and an all-around nice/great guy, but he is extremely insecure and definitely not nice once he steps inside our home.

I will get and read the books, but I am still curious that if my willingness to read these books and participate will show him that I am just going to "forgive" him AGAIN and just ENABLE him to continue his ways. I want to believe that he is ready to change and work on our marriage, but I don't know what makes this time any different from the hundreds of other times he has made a promise and broken it and I am tired of being hurt. Thanks, again. I will keep reading!

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dlp, there is nothing to forgive him FOR, though. He has to make radical changes in his lifestyle in order to warrant forgiveness. If he doesn't, then you should plan to separate. I would go to him and explain that his continued secrecy makes you miserable and is wrecking your marriage. Let him know it will lead to divorce if he doesn't stop.

He should commit to changing his behavior dramatically by giving you access to ALL of his work emails, computers, everything. If not, you will never be safe with him.

Additionally, he needs to tell you the full truth about what he is hiding.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by dlp436
Throughout our marriage he has physically and emotionally abused me. I

i just saw this part, so I would recommend you separate from him for at least a year until he completes a program on anger management and changes his behavior dramatically. With physical abuse, everything is off the table. You have to take steps to protect your self from him.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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dlp436 Offline OP
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MrNiceGuy, to answer your other question, we don't really spend ANY time together, except the rare occasion where we both get to attend one of our kids' sporting events together. Our kids have so many activities, that we are usually split up. They have sports every night of the week, which means we don't get home until late. By the time we get home from activities, help or check with homework, eat, do any needed housework and get our kids to bed, we are exhausted. After that he is usually on his phone or laptop (although he doesn't do this as much since I caught and confronted him about his Internet history) or he falls asleep on the couch. I have started doing the same. If we do try to talk at this point, it results in a fight, so it's not usually a time I look forward to in my day. Weekends are worse, loaded with school activities or multiple sporting events. Our life is exhausting and I've suggested we try to cut back on the activities and sports, but the kids and my husband love it, so I reluctantly go along with it. I question how we would find 2 hours in a week to spend together, but 15 hours? I can only recall TWO 'dates' in all of last year, and it was just dinner.

If there's one thing I am at fault in our marriage, it was putting more priority on our 3 children than my husband. I have been a stay-at-home mom since my first child (now 16) was born and I have always put them first. I thought that is what I was supposed to do. I thought I was being a good Mom. But I am realizing that I did neglect my husband and probably contributed to our problems early on. It doesn't excuse him for the things he has done, but I know I am not perfect, and that is something that I have always struggled with. Our kids' schedule is still interfering in us spending time together, but I am really at a loss on how to change that since we have no one to help. It is hard to tell a coach that our child can't make a practice because we've decided to go on a date. frown This is going to be a tricky issue to solve, but I won't give up.

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WHen you say your husband has been physicaly abusive .. what does this entail? We are ALL abusive at times when it comes to "fights". Did he actually hit you? If this is so .. I would recomend an anger management class ...as ML suggested. Dont know if i agree with a separation though, but thats just me.

For instance one time i threw a book in my wifes general direction (not intended to hit her just out of frusteration in the moment but it came close to her). I was TOTALLY wrong for doing so .. and my wife claimed i was physicaly abusive and i agreed with her it was as it was the first time i had EVER done such a thing and i felt totally ashamed for doing so and apologized profusedley for my unwarrented reaction.

Before my wife came on board with MB i would get very frusterated at times trying to convince my wife to get on board .. often trying to educate her (which fails BTW feel free to read my thread if you like) and BOTH of us would FULLY engage in AOs and DJs and SDs during an argument .. and rehash EVERY little thing we could possibly bring up to hurt eachother with. DO NOT DO THAT! When you feel the frusterations rise ... calmly state "i do not feel safe in this conversation, lets take a break and come back to it again with rational thoughts" and go for a walk and really have a good think about the situation.

BOTH of you need to STOP the love busters ... Love busters create holes that constantly drain your Love bank balance for each other. BOTH of you need to stop doing things that your are reluctant to do and start putting the Policy of joint agreement into practice. Which is NEVER do ANYTHING without an ENTHUSIASTIC agreement between you and your spouse.

- http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html - policy of joint agreement (this is what got my wife on board .. after 3 failed MC sessions i brought her a print out of this and we had a chat about it and she decided to give it a try months later after i had asked her manytimes to look at dr.harleys material. It took the failed MC sessions to get her to open her mind up to other alternatives)

BOTH of you need to start making time for each other Becasue if you dont .. you will continune to create a life style of INCOMPATIBILITY and when the kids are gorwn up and gone you will have nothing left unless you work on it and make your marriage a PRIORITY... before you had kids you didnt get together becasue you ignored eachother .. You spent a considerable amount of time engaging in things you both liked and alot of it (or most) was probably Intimate conversation, affection (non sexual), recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment.

I would sit down ... and really think about how you could accomplish more time together. For instance .. my wife and I only do afterschool activites (put both my kids in martial arts 4x a week during weekdays only) for my children and we spend about an hour or 2 each evening hanging out chit chatting after the kids go to bed .. or reading a MB book outloud, doing chorse together or watching a hockey game (both of us are vancouver canucks fans so we cheer and discuss the team etc during the game) .. and then we use the saturday mornings and sunday mornings for our UA time to catch up on our cuddling .. etc ... often we are not out of bed until 11am! and wake up around 9am. Sure the kids may not like to lose an activity .. but would they rather see their parents divorced? I bet you if you asked them .. they would say no they want to see you together and happy. Once i got my wife on board with MB .. and we cut out time for US .. we explained MB to both our kids .. and they are much happier now because they see us happier.

p.s. put a lock on your door and put a radio in your room to drown sound! GET A KEYLOGGER ON YOUR PC!

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Originally Posted by MrNiceGuy
WHen you say your husband has been physicaly abusive .. what does this entail? We are ALL abusive at times when it comes to "fights". Did he actually hit you? If this is so .. I would recomend an anger management class ...as ML suggested. Dont know if i agree with a separation though, but thats just me.

That is what Dr Harley does recommend when there is physical abuse. He recommends separating for at LEAST a year until her husband has gone through anger management and made dramatic personal changes. He doesn't take chances with physical abuse.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
If you have ever hit your spouse, you are a perpetrator of domestic violence and need to take extraordinary steps to protect your spouse from yourself. Most violent spouses are deeply remorseful after sending their husbands or wives to the hospital, and sometimes to their death. But remorse does not make up for the mistake. Violence is one of those mistakes in life that you cannot ever afford to make, and if you've done it once, you're likely to do it again.

Throughout my career as a marriage counselor, I have done whatever I can to save marriages, but when it comes to domestic violence I draw the line. Unless a spouse can guarantee the other's safety from their own anger, I don't believe they should live with each other.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5022_qa.html


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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T/J .. would my book throwing incident be considered physical abuse and need me to leave the house for a year? At the time it was a HUGE deal ... frighted my wife very much so ... but i never left .. and things improved greatly once ENs began to be fulfilled and we spent more time together. We have had a few heated moments .. but nothing has ever occured like that again... more like an isolated incident and a revelation of sorts that scared the daylights out of me ... and my wife.

sorry for brief thread jack.

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MrNiceGuy, here is what she said:

Quote
Throughout our marriage he has physically and emotionally abused me. I

She has been physically assualted throughout her marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Yeah .. i see that .. but then she states...


Originally Posted by dlp436
Physically, it typically would happen once a year, but he always apologized and swore he would never do it again.

So i guess if the above is true .. then it has happened about 20 times since she says she has been married for almost 20 years? I tend to down play brief physical abuse encounters because of my own experiences with them... so I am not a very good judge on the subject i guess.

I have seen very harsh physical abuse in my childhood between my mother and father.. where my mother .. pushed .. and pushed .. and pushed .. and pushed to the point where my dad could not get away from her and he literally had to lay her out to get her to leave him alone while she repeatedly tried to kick him in the sack... punch him in the face.. or throw things at him while he tried to pack things up to go away for a while. I swore on my life that I would NEVER EVER get violent with a women after witnessing what I did in my child hood ... (both my parents are divorced and my mother has remarried and divorced again) From those experiences i feared for my mother but wondered why she was so relentless about being physical towards my dad when i could clearly see that my dad was trying to escape the situation. (mother would block the doors .. and stand in the way so he could not leave and in a way forced him to keep fighting, she did the same thing to my step dad whom she is now divorced from too).

This happened several times... til they finally divorced. Very sad ... My dad has NEVER again raised his hand to another woman .. and has been with his common law wife for 20 years now. (refuses to get married now since what my mother did to him)

Again .. sorry for the thread jack .. just trying to get a good picture of the situation.

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So what Harley would recommend is that she separate from him and not even consider going back to him until he has had extensive therapy in anger management.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MrNiceGuy
Yeah .. i see that .. but then she states...


[quote=dlp436] Physically, it typically would happen once a year, but he always apologized and swore he would never do it again.

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"Most violent spouses are deeply remorseful after sending their husbands or wives to the hospital, and sometimes to their death. But remorse does not make up for the mistake. Violence is one of those mistakes in life that you cannot ever afford to make, and if you've done it once, you're likely to do it again."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Sorry it's taken me awhile to respond to your posts...been picking up the kiddos... MelodyLane and MrNiceGuy, thanks for your responses. Since the abuse has been a big topic, I will try to explain. This is very difficult, because it is something that I have never admitted to anyone. Just been too embarrassing, I guess. Makes me feel very silly for sticking around after all these years, and since I've stayed I suppose he thinks he never has to change because I always end up forgiving him.

There was abuse. I guess I would say that he has never "beaten" me. By that I mean, he has only hit me once at one given time. He has thrown things at me a few times, too. In either case, once he sees how frightened or upset I am over the event and he realizes what happens, he stops and usually apologizes. Although in more recent years, I haven't been so frightened, I've been more angry that he wuold do it again after promising to stop. I would say that these events have happened about once a year, but not usually more than that and maybe a total of 12-15 times over our marriage. I have never been hurt or bruised, except for the obvious emotional hurt! Not trying to make excuses. Still awful. Still wrong. There have been other times where he has come at me, knowing I am going to be afraid, but never done anything. I think sometimes that is all he means to do...threaten me...or make me afraid...but sometimes he went further than he meant to do. A couple of years ago, he bought a book on Managing Anger and he did read it, but I'm not sure it was enough, but was an attempt. I am not making excuses, but making sure I make it clear, that I am never beaten. It is definitely a power issue. I am not the type of person to back down easily and when we argue, I imagine he gets frustrated that I won't back down and allow him to "win" or prove his power and the hit is his way of gaining power over me. He has told me that I have pushed him to do it, but definitely always seems to feel genuinely remorseful after it has happened. I asked him the last time if he would want his daughter dating or marrying someone that treated her like that. It made him think. The last event was a little over a year ago. Like I said, I am embarrassed to admit that I have stayed with a person that has hit me. It is not something I am proud of and definitely not something I would want for any of my children. It is wrong. I just am not sure if separating on the basis of just the abuse, so long after the last incident would have the same affect. I understand our marriage is failing fast and if it ever happens again, I have to leave. I appreciate everyone's advice and will continue reading.

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So it is safe to assume that separation AT THIS POINT is not going to happen? Ultimately that is up to you ...

Like i said ... I would get those books .. tell your husband since he is interested in this site and material that your going to get some books .. and hope that you guys could read them OUT LOUD together ( I would start with love busters, then his needs her needs .. then his needs her needs for parents, then fall in love stay in love. (alot of the material overlaps but its all good reminders) There is some discussion questions at the end of each section in each book ... makes great UA time .. and a good way to learn more about each other in the process.

After you have read his needs her needs (to give you a greater understanding of all the emotional needs or even possibly read the how to meet emotional needs area of the website TOGETHER) THEN fill out the ENQs and LBQs this way you will get a clear understanding what all the ENs are through the MB material instead of just going by your own guess work as to what the ENs are before filling the questionairs out.

I also apologize for the description of my mother and fathers marital abuse .. NO amount of abuse should be tolerated from ether spouse. All Lovebusters are abuse ... and NEED to be eliminated. (easier said than done and they still creep in once in a while i am sure as we are all human).

There is TONs of hope for your marriage ... the tools here will help you rekindle what you lost along the way to get to where you are today.

Time + emotional needs - love busters = Fall back in love

Feelings follow actions... do the actions and your feelings will follow.

ALso if your adverse to your hubbys advances for SF you could possibly have an aversion ... this link may help you in the future. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5047_qa.html

Make sure to read all the relevant info in the Q&A Columns and BASIC CONCEPTS and ARTICLES area of the website ... all of which contain TONS of valuable info. You will see the navigation on the far left of the screen in each area where you can jump around to what ever grabs your eyes that you might be interested in.

Edit to add link to my thread if your interested in reading it. No adultery .. but it shows the struggles I went through with my wife and how we both learned that some of our boundries were out of wack after reading the material here and both of us were on the verge of EAs.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1947308#Post1947308

Last edited by MrNiceGuy; 03/30/12 03:53 PM.
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Originally Posted by dlp436
There was abuse. I guess I would say that he has never "beaten" me. By that I mean, he has only hit me once at one given time. He has thrown things at me a few times, too. In either case, once he sees how frightened or upset I am over the event and he realizes what happens, he stops and usually apologizes. Although in more recent years, I haven't been so frightened, I've been more angry that he wuold do it again after promising to stop. I would say that these events have happened about once a year, but not usually more than that and maybe a total of 12-15 times over our marriage. I have never been hurt or bruised, except for the obvious emotional hurt! Not trying to make excuses

dlp, stay focused on the abuse issue until it is resolved and you are really safe. Marriage Builders does not work when there is abuse or an addiction. Domestic abusers do not get better, they get WORSE over time. Dr Harley recommends separation in order to protect yourself. It doesn't make sense to read the books until you are in a place where you can be safe.

So, I would focus first on getting him help with anger management and if he won't do that, then make plans to separate. Don't get distracted with other things until that happens. I know you want to sweep that part under the rug, but it is really the most pressing issue. Don't give into that temptation. Keep it on the front burner until it is resolved.

Start here with Dr Harleys radio clips on anger management. here Will your husband go to an approved anger management course?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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MrNiceGuy, I know you are trying to be nice, but she has to get this abuse problem under control FIRST before she can use this program.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
Domestic violence is not as common as people think. Most of the troubled couples I've counseled have never experienced domestic violence and most couples, in general, go through life without having had a single physical altercation. If your spouse has ever hit you, or if you have ever hit your spouse, you're in a tragic and dangerous minority. But as uncommon as the problem is, whenever it occurs, people are shocked and confused as to what to do about it. My perspective as a professional who has counseled hundreds of violent clients is that these couple should be separated until there is assurance of safety. In many cases that assurance can never be given.
here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
MrNiceGuy, I know you are trying to be nice, but she has to get this abuse problem under control FIRST before she can use this program.

I am trying to be nice ... its one of my character traits i guess .. amd sometimes a flaw (depending on the circumstance) ... im sometimes too nice i guess (except this year at the end of my thread which has totally changed me to a less nice person when it comes to adultery and respecting my boundries around my family members)

What if her hubby was to agree to anger management but NOT leave the home ... they could do both! MB together coupled with his anger management? I dunno .. i just wanted to provide some valuable info incase she didnt want to go down that path since she stated its been over a year since the last incident.

I understand DR.Harleys point totally .. so dont get me wrong. Just trying to be helpful from an objective point of view and offer some soluble solutions and advice.

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