As time goes on, my H has seen less and less of the kids, and has become less and less willing to do things that when we first separated he was perfectly willing to do. Most noticeably, he is now unwilling to take care of the younger children while I go pick up our daughters at college. I don't understand his motivation - he seems to really want to have them visit him, and if they have a social engagement on a weekend that he is planning to see them, will go out of his way to take them, rather than the logistically simpler alternative of leaving them home with me. Earlier in the summer, he asked if he could come to a birthday celebration for a couple of the kids, then a week or two later decided he didn't want to.<P>The only reason that I can think of for this inconsistency is that someone has forbidden him from spending any time at the house with the kids, even if I am not there, though I don't understand why she would be upset about him spending time here if I were not here. Perhaps this same someone is giving him a hard time if he wants to spend time with the kids above and beyond the legal standard.<P>I really get the feeling that he wants to spend more time with the kids, but that she is not "letting" him. He is a conflict avoider, and I can really imagine him going out of his way to avoid antagonizing her (hopefully all the while building up resentment toward her). People on this board write all the time about their spouses spending time as a family, dating their spouses - even while the spouse is living with the OP. Am I the only one here whose spouse's OP is controlling?

I don't know if you are or aren't. My advice to you though is to be as upfront and honest about things without lovebusting. I sense from what your saying is that you think she's controlling him. If he wishes to be controlled then I would back off. Only because if you allow him the freedom to make those choices he will be more at ease with you and less strained with you than the OP. If she is trying to control him she could just control him right out the door and back into your arms. Be as flexible as you can and try to be open. Suggest to him that you want counselling between the two of you not to salvage your marriage but to make better parents out of the two of you. You both need to communicate effectively and this may be the opening you need to get both of you into counselling. Tell him you don't want your differences to affect the children and you think counselling will be good for you both to learn to communicate and still be good parents. <BR>My H kept saying this while we were in counselling and he hadn't admitted to the affair yet. I don't think he realized the counselling would be as effective as it was and make our marriage whole again! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

Oh yes, Nellie, from my experience I would definitely say that OPs are controlling!<P>Looking at it logically, they are in an insecure situation. Their lovers are married. Married to US! They are fighting a battle where the odds are stacked against them (their instinct tells them so, whether they have read the statistics or not). In a majority of cases, people who have affairs, return to their spouses. <P>Since their relationship was created around deception, honesty probably is not a big quality within the relationship. When you cannot resolve conflict in an honest manner, then you have to resort to manipulation.<P>The good new for us, is that there is a good chance that their 'controlling' ways will do them in. Being controlling becomes a lovebuster after awhile.<P>I agree with Chick. Keep extending the offer for him to remain in your children's lives.<BR>

Nellie:<P>I find it more than fascinating that so many of our spouses, who supposedly ran from us because we are "controlling", are now in situations where they are being controlled by the OP. I too find my husband constantly looking at his watch when at our house or his parents, always with an excuse to run out.<P>The way I see it, this heightens the odds of the relationship eventually blowing up from one of two causes: 1) the "controlling" nature of the OP gets to them and kills the fantasy, or 2) they finally realize that they play a role in relationships that cause them to feel like they are controlled (who am I kidding here - instrospection and responsibility?). Regardless, I think this makes it more likely that the relationship will get old. The best approach is still to hold on as long as possible to give the fantasy the greatest odds of blowing up.

chick's,<BR>At one point he did agree to counseling to "improve our communcation" - we went to a counselor once whom he hated, and then he wouldn't go to anyone else. We did go to a counselor later to discuss child issues, but she decided we were "all done" after 5 or 6 sessions, and could handle any other issues by ourselves. <P>sidney,<BR>Sometimes I just can not understand how this relationship can last - what are the odds of a relationship between a MM who places personal ads and a woman who is willing to answer them lasting, especially when he virtually ignores her kids and they virtually ignore him - but the affair is over a year old and he has been out of the house for 8 months now.<P>Distressed,<BR>I wish I could hold on, but he is pushing divorce as fast as possible. Tonight he is at the mandatory course on how divorce affects children that is required for both parties before they can ask for a hearing. In the proposed settlement agreement he sent me, he proposed visitation a minimum of alternate weekends and one evening a week. I am so tempted to counter-propose an additional evening a week - it makes no sense to me that even the alien clone of my H would refuse to see the kids anywhere near as often as they want him to, but that is what he (or she) has done.