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Tom2010 #2611743 04/01/12 11:38 AM
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Should I use a Christian marriage counselor or should I first find out how they handle the counseling first.


Me (H): 34
Wife (W): 29
Two kids ages 5 and 3
Married 6 years been together for 14 years
totally2confused #2611744 04/01/12 11:41 AM
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Originally Posted by totally2confused
Should I use a Christian marriage counselor or should I first find out how they handle the counseling first.

I would contact the MB coaching center. Can you afford some sessions with a MB coach?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2611756 04/01/12 12:42 PM
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I don't think I can that is why I was looking at the Christian counselor my preacher recommended.


Me (H): 34
Wife (W): 29
Two kids ages 5 and 3
Married 6 years been together for 14 years
totally2confused #2611758 04/01/12 12:49 PM
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Originally Posted by totally2confused
I don't think I can that is why I was looking at the Christian counselor my preacher recommended.

Then I would find out if the counselor knows anything about MB and is pro MB or at least knows of Dr. Harley's works.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



totally2confused #2611767 04/01/12 01:18 PM
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Originally Posted by totally2confused
I don't think I can that is why I was looking at the Christian counselor my preacher recommended.
Couselling with Steve Harley is your fastest horse. If you absolutely can't, here's an article by Dr. Harley to help you know what to look for in a marriage counselor. Read it carefully - there are a lot of lousy MCs out there who couldn't even save their own marriage. Being a Christian counselor doesn't mean they're an effective counselor, it just means they're of the Christian faith and will possibly have some biblical knowledge of historical marriage tenets.

Check this out: How To Find a Good Marriage Counselor


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

totally2confused #2611943 04/02/12 01:27 AM
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Originally Posted by totally2confused
I understand what ya'll are saying but until I can prove it I can only go on what is being told to me. And there can be situations where things seem like an affair but are not. Situations can be different. I mean you wouldn't treat cancer the same way you treat a heart attack.

Wow watching this thread is like watching a plane crash ready to happen. Everyone knows it is coming but the pilot. You totally2confused are the pilot that can't see what is going to happen.

We have been where you are. Now I am going to tell you a secret. It is an important one to remember. People that have affairs LIE. You can tell they are lying by the way they move their lips or write things to you.

Quote
I understand what ya'll are saying but until I can prove it I can only go on what is being told to me.

Let me tell you about my ex-wife. She was sleeping with another dude. I had told her I would divorce her if she ever slept with another man. She told me the same thing if I ever cheated she would divorce me.

So I started to catch on and started snooping. I got her emails and texts with spyware. I even had video of her with the OM in my home when I was traveling. She even called the guy from my home on our land line and so I had a ton of evidence.

When I confronted her she denied everything. I showed her the emails and she said "We knew you were suspecting us so we sent these to catch you spying on me".

I played for her some of their conversations and she said "I knew you were recording it. We did this to catch you spying". My Ex lied about everything. Since she was having an affair it was easy for her to lie. In her phone conversations she told him she loved him. Wanted to be with him. Did not want to be with me anymore. I believed her after reading the emails and listening to it.

She still said she was not having an affair. It was all in my head and she was mad at me. Sound familiar yet??

So the worst thing was I knew she was meeting him in my home. I put a video camera in my room when I left. I did it so I would never have to listen to another lie every again. The video showed her having sex with the guy in my bed. She had done that quite often. The only thing worse than seeing this would have been walking in on them at the time. Needless to say I had it.

You are not going to keep your wife by being a doormat. I will let the others address that but living in denial will not get her back.

You do not have to believe her. You should not believe her until she becomes an honest person again.

Just so you know when my Ex saw the video she could not deny anything anymore. Up until then she treated me like crap but when she knew that I knew and the jig was up and she could not lie it changed everything.

You will not get your wife back by sticking your head in the sand. Your wife knows she can have you back any time she wants. She is in no hurry why should she be? She can do whatever she wants and you will beg her to stay. She has no incentive to do the right thing and better yet she can tell you she is not cheating and that makes it true.

You need to get a clue. I am not saying this to be mean just a reality check. These people have been through this and they will all tell you the same thing.

People that will cheat on their spouse will most certainly lie to them. That is a fact. Your wife is a cheater and a liar. You need to deal with her in those terms if you want her back.

IHadEnough #2612321 04/02/12 09:16 PM
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I think it is time to let the cat out of the bag. My ww sent me letter tonight telling me she couldn't trust me because I followed her. She said it was over and the only reason she was going to the counselor was to get closure and to learn how to parent our kids. Does anybody here that I hadn't made mad because of my ignorant thoughts think this marriage can be saved. I'm really hurting tonight to the point that I am having some bad thoughts run through my head.


Me (H): 34
Wife (W): 29
Two kids ages 5 and 3
Married 6 years been together for 14 years
totally2confused #2612334 04/02/12 09:38 PM
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totally,

No one here could possibly predict or advise you what is going to happen with your M! You are the one married to Her, so you are the one who is going to have to take action and make a decision.

Your short responses indicate to me that you are not 'all in' with respect to your M or turely in love with you W.

You may want to consider, instead of constant whining, to consult with Dr. Harley.

If having 'bad thoughts' means a suicide attempt or violence toward others, then contact your local Hotline.

So, again, good luck,

Tom

totally2confused #2612390 04/02/12 10:54 PM
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Originally Posted by totally2confused
I think it is time to let the cat out of the bag. My ww sent me letter tonight telling me she couldn't trust me because I followed her. She said it was over and the only reason she was going to the counselor was to get closure and to learn how to parent our kids. Does anybody here that I hadn't made mad because of my ignorant thoughts think this marriage can be saved. I'm really hurting tonight to the point that I am having some bad thoughts run through my head.

Please contact a hotline if you feel like you are going to hurt yourself or anyone else. Nothing is worth that.

Now that you're ready to "let the cat out of the bag" how about making a plan. Go grab a writing pad and go back to the beginning of all your posts. Start taking notes on all the excellent advice you've already been given. Make a plan of action and a vow to follow through irregardless of your feelings and instinct. Most MB advice is counter-intuitive and not normally what you would do. That's okay. What do you have to lose that you haven't already lost trying to do it your way?

Come back here tomorrow and post your plan. Buckle up and prepare for battle. Your wife wants a husband who will fight for her. Fight smart.

Try to get a good night's sleep. It will help your focus. This is not over until the judge bangs the gavel.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
princessmeggy #2612399 04/03/12 12:09 AM
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totally,

Am up later than I normally am, and felt maybe my last post was a little harsh. Princessmeggy's advice is good - review your thread to possibly gain some insight to the adcice being given and a sound sleep. I will make a point to say a prayer for you tonight before sleep.

Tom

Tom2010 #2612406 04/03/12 05:06 AM
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Does anybody know of a good plan or a good way to get this started. I'm tired of feeling like the bad guy here. My parents and my preacher are the only one's that know about the affair but I think it is time for her parents to know.


Me (H): 34
Wife (W): 29
Two kids ages 5 and 3
Married 6 years been together for 14 years
totally2confused #2612427 04/03/12 07:39 AM
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Originally Posted by totally2confused
Does anybody know of a good plan or a good way to get this started. I'm tired of feeling like the bad guy here. My parents and my preacher are the only one's that know about the affair but I think it is time for her parents to know.
t2c,
You have been giving a plan, but you won't follow it. You were told to expose to all of your family, her family, your children and OM's W.

Did you move back into your home?

Let's try this again. Exposure 101
Exposure by Dr. Harley
Pep's Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Here's your plan.
1. Move back in your home
2. Expose this on facebook and to everyone you know
3. Pep's Carrot and Stick of Plan A
4. Give the carrot and stick of Plan A
5. Get to your doctor and get some AD's
6. Respond and answer to ALL the posts you receive with questions or clarity to what they are directing you




FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



totally2confused #2612450 04/03/12 08:16 AM
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Originally Posted by totally2confused
Does anybody know of a good plan or a good way to get this started. I'm tired of feeling like the bad guy here. My parents and my preacher are the only one's that know about the affair but I think it is time for her parents to know.

I would re-read your thread. We gave you a plan.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2612507 04/03/12 10:08 AM
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I want to think everybody here for their help. It is now time to start the plan. I have found a counselor that knows about this website and Dr. Harley. My first appointment is April 16th. Hopefully this will help along with the plan. I would like to thank MelodyLane for her patience with my ignorance. I just want to say I sorry for it taking me this long to open my eyes.


Me (H): 34
Wife (W): 29
Two kids ages 5 and 3
Married 6 years been together for 14 years
totally2confused #2612678 04/03/12 08:35 PM
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Originally Posted by totally2confused
I want to think everybody here for their help. It is now time to start the plan. I have found a counselor that knows about this website and Dr. Harley. My first appointment is April 16th. Hopefully this will help along with the plan. I would like to thank MelodyLane for her patience with my ignorance. I just want to say I sorry for it taking me this long to open my eyes.
Why have you waited? April 16th?? GO HOME. TODAY. NOW.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

maritalbliss #2613827 04/07/12 07:15 PM
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All right I have been doing all the snooping that I can do. Been driving by the house when she least expects it but still haven't been able to turn up anything. Just wondering how do I go about starting plan a when she don't want to. Also do I go ahead and try to get her to follow the principles of joint agreement and to get her to be open and honest.


Me (H): 34
Wife (W): 29
Two kids ages 5 and 3
Married 6 years been together for 14 years
totally2confused #2613831 04/07/12 07:18 PM
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Originally Posted by totally2confused
All right I have been doing all the snooping that I can do. Been driving by the house when she least expects it but still haven't been able to turn up anything. Just wondering how do I go about starting plan a when she don't want to. Also do I go ahead and try to get her to follow the principles of joint agreement and to get her to be open and honest.

Are you still not back home?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2613846 04/07/12 08:08 PM
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Your right brainhurts. I'm trying to use this time to try and catch her if she is still having and affair. I'm hoping she will do something in the house and not know that I am driving by. Also I am using this time to try to come up with an effective plan of action. But don't worry brainhurts I plan on moving back in if she doesn't show any signs of wanting to get back together after our visit with the counselor.


Me (H): 34
Wife (W): 29
Two kids ages 5 and 3
Married 6 years been together for 14 years
totally2confused #2613882 04/08/12 08:30 AM
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Alright I think I have proof that she is at least having an emotional affair. I have text records that show she talked to this guy from 11 pm to 12 am last night and she normally does not stay up that late. I just need to figure out what those texts are saying. Anybody know a keylogger that can be installed remotely with having to have her phone.


Me (H): 34
Wife (W): 29
Two kids ages 5 and 3
Married 6 years been together for 14 years
totally2confused #2614072 04/09/12 12:00 AM
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Alright MelodyLane I need your help for real this time. I believe without a shadow of doubt that my ww is at least having an emotional affair with this guy. She has been texted him for the past two nights for two and three hours straight even past her normal time she goes to bed. I believe in all my heart that this is the reason she will not give me a chance. I'm ready to give her my plan but I don't want to come off sounding demanding or do I need to sound demanding at this point. My plan is.

1. Tell me who the other man is and end all contact with him.

2. Plan 15 to 20 hours a week to work on marriage and to meet each other emotional needs.

3. Be open and honest about everything.

4. To follow Dr. Harley's plan to the tee and to read his books.

I hope this is a good plan if not please help. Right now this is all I could think of.

Like I said before right now I do believe she is at least having an emotional affair I haven't been able to prove the physical affair yet.


Me (H): 34
Wife (W): 29
Two kids ages 5 and 3
Married 6 years been together for 14 years
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