Wow!!! I can't imagine the pain you felt during that time and I'm sure it was equally as hard, but a relief when he finally spilled the beans! What did your H admit to?

Over the course of that year he admitted to a handful of situations (lap dance, giving a girl a backrub at a party, etc.) and EA's, one of which included things like phone sex and photos. The only thing he left until D-Day was a ONS he had very early in our marriage, during a very difficult and volatile time for me. It was the ONS that he figured I would leave him for, as I always told him I would leave a man who cheated and 'cheating' to him (and most people) meant PA. One of the things about this forum is seeing what challenges other people have to overcome, that make mine seem simple. NOTE: He still has not had a poly, so D-Day truths have never been confirmed. The reality is there could be more.

Relief, yes. In the movies people burn clothes or beat each other up, or run out sobbing hysterically. I suppose some people do that! He was crying and I put my arm around him to comfort him, and thanked him for being honest. And I did feel relief, I felt like all this time I questioned my instinct and I was right all along, there was deception present during the entire course of our marriage and I wasn't really off my rocker after all.

It's amazing how when we truly listen to our gut instinct, it is usually correct. It might be healing for you to share your story too... Do you think your husband will take a poly?

Always trust your gut! My husband has been asking to take a poly since D-Day. This is where my non healed, resentful, bitter, love busting taker is about to rear its ugly head. After he confessed the ONS my gut instinct told me, that was it, you know it all. Gut instinct and just reading his actions/reactions to things, he is just a different man now. But I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of being BELIEVED and TRUSTED. I continued to tell him I didn't trust that he had told me all, at which he was/is very frustrated because he finally did tell it all and now I still don't believe him! My taker said, he lied for over a DECADE and finally after all that comes clean, and expects to just have you say OK, I believe you? That just doesn't seem fair, even though I did. My vengeful side wanted him to pay the consequence of being the boy who cried wolf, when after 99 lies the 100th time he told the truth and nobody believed him! I guess I was just so angry and resentful and hurt I wanted him to pay that consequence for awhile. It has just been recently I admitted all this to him and told him I am ready for him to do the poly to 'prove himself' and he is planning to set that up soon. Don't follow my lead on that big love busting poly method folks.

Yes I should share my story! It is not one of quick action, strength and admiration like yours unfortunately, not one to be a MB role model.

Unwritten - start a thread hon, what's keeping you!



Unwritten, (clearly a graduate from the wayward school of hard knocks) is right about Sfishes' WH's incredible stubborness and arrogance when it comes to the lies.



I couldnt agree more with this, and I think he has grown up in an atmosphere where he has been encouraged to take the easy way out through lies - and also supported in the mistaken belief he is a super smooth liar.

He thought he was so good he could fake a poly!!! When in truth a child could see through his tales. Last week he was moving into a bachelor pad to live free'n'easy unless Starfish dropped her poly request. Bluff called. This week he's outraged he doesnt have access to 'his home' (has he forgotten his lie about the bachelor pad or what?) and is going to somehow talk a locksmith into helping him bully his wife. Bluff called again.

Even though I dont think all too much about my WH any more I must say I agree with this sentiment. Even if mine doesnt come around until after it is too late for me, I hope he does someday. I dont wish him harm, and hope he lives a good life at some point. You and I are doing our best for our WHs, Starfish, as we promised to do in our vows - by letting them hit rock bottom. But the priority is US.

YIKES. Not sure how you feel about that, but she's already been quite the negative influence on your Plan B. Best case scenario she's a tad foolish and will nag you to be foolish too. Worst case she just doesn't care about your feeling, only her son's. I'm not saying she wont come around and respect your boundaries, but maybe not tackle this while thing are so raw. For the next few weeks at least you want only rock solid people around you.

I'd tell her you want some time by yourself right now but maybe a bit further on.

This is really hard! I spoke with another attorney today and she said that he could call a locksmith out while I'm at work, etc. and change the locks on me. She said to mark a separation date in my calendar, because this will be very important if we do D. She said its very important that I protect assets right now. WH took his 4-wheeler, but then gave me back mine, without the key or the title. He said it was in his name, even though it was a gift to me. He took more tools out of our shed and other expensive things in the garage. He is freaking right now... He already knows that I don't give a $hit about possessions, my only concern is my marriage.

The attorney also mentioned that it sounded as though he could be a pathological liar and sex addict. She said the only way I could keep him out would be to file an injunction if I had a fear for my safety or file for divorce and take possession of the house. I cannot afford all of the bills on my own and he knows that. I hope he continues to support with the bills as I stated in my letter.

starfish, if you file for anything, it will not remove his legal obligation to support you. He would still be responsible for your support.

Your emotional safety is in danger, and he must be kept out of the house, one way or the other. You cannot endure this kind of continued treatment.

This is winning you back? Lucky you were the Plan Aer and not him.



Legally, yes its his house. But practically - how? He wouldnt even be able to open the door for the locksmith to work on it because he wouldnt have the key.

Even if he did, you'd get your friends/family to go in and order him out. Try enjoy home comforts with that going on. Plus he has to go to work too. you would just change the locks all back and then put deadbolts on all the doors and windows as well to prevent him breaking in. Actually do this now if it makes you feel better. Install some home security he knows nothing about.

But really, I wouldnt worry. It's all a bunch of big talk. He is not remotely interested in breaking in while you are not there. Why? He's after YOU not the house. The house is just leverage to scare you into letting him in. He thinks he's a big shot liar and if he just manages to get some face time with you, he can talk you around. If he has to throw a tantrum about it being 'his house' to get time with you, he will.

What does he want? To come in and be comfortable? How while you dont want him there? Nope - he has no desire to break in to anything but your heart.



You need to secure your finances properly. Waywards are not to be trusted. Ask the lawyer whether you need to D or will a separation agreement do. Lots of people who dont want a D file for one in Plan B for legal or financial protection. If they recover they remarry or halt the D.

I just don't know what to do. I do want my marriage to work and I'm afraid of filing for divorce, because he will think its over for sure and maybe it is...

I'm losing my faith here rather quickly...
I think he is taking advice from a lot of people to protect himself and I don't know what to do.

I know that I'm in Plan B, but a part of me wants to call him and tell him to spill the beans or I'm filing for divorce!!!!!!

Yes, that's your emotions talking. But threats don't ever really achieve their objective.

Plan B allows you to sit tight from a position where you can go either way. Plan B may require filing divorce to implement the separation; that does not mean that Plan B is necessarily a divorce. And on the other hand, people who are divorcing may very likely need Plan B anyway for their emotional health.

SF, I'm not sure what the legalities are, but I know you don't want a divorce and are not ready for a divorce so I'm not sure why YOU would file for divorce as has been suggested to you. In your letter you made it clear to him that you do NOT want a divorce, you only want the truth.

If I can be so bold, because this is what goes on in my head when I step into your shoes which is OH so easy for me...you are doing things in the hope that HE will react in the manner you want him to. Tell the truth. Use MB to rebuild. Live happily ever after. Every step you've taken has been with the idea in the back of your head that THIS would be the thing to catapult him to tell the truth and you both to start recovery. And it hasn't. You entered Plan B in a whirlwind as the last ditch effort to get the appropriate response out of him. Nope, still the most INappropriate response (took your ATV??? low). You need to stop thinking about him, what he thinks, what he thinks YOU think, what his plans are, what he thinks YOUR plans are... you just have to close it all out and start doing whats best for you. All this lawyer calling and lock changing is crazy and scary, it will pass and the dust will settle I imagine rather quickly. That is when your real work starts and his reckoning starts. If I understand PB correctly, you have to focus on the real reason for PB which is PERSONAL RECOVERY.

And I'm sorry you are going through all this! I really am. It sucks.

Step back, check out of this for a day or two, love up your dog. Loving up the dog always makes me feel better.

Just kick back and ignore his drama. Dont' do anything or respond to anything until or unless there is a court order for you to let him in. He can't get in if he doesn't have a key. If he persists, have the attorney for file for divorce with possession of the house. Dont' let divorce scare you one bit, starfish! It is just a legal formality to protect you legally. Lots of folks file for divorce and then drop it when the WS meets the conditions of Plan B. And if your WH does not meet your conditions, then you are in a much better position to get divorced.

CALM DOWN. And don't listen to any more of the drama.

Worse case scenario, you might have to move out with your pets into your mothers. Hopefully, your H is not so much of a jerk that he would put you in that position.

The reason she would file is to protect herself legally, thats why. She may need legal protection. She can't go wrong if she files for divorce. If he complies with her PBL, she can drop it and if he doesn't, she will still have legal protection in place and will end up divorced if he doesn't comply.

This is pretty much just proof you're human! But we plan Bers must be angels.

I still knda wish I'd dumped all WH's stuff on OW's lawn. Just a little!

Thank you guys! Everybody that knows me, knows that I do not want a divorce. This is soooooo hard!!!!! I'm going to try and take care of myself, as the tears are finally starting to fall from my eyes. Letting go is so hard..... I hate him for putting me and us through this, but I still love him too!