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There are plenty of people here on MB who I am sure would be glad to IM for you.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Do you mean he took only his stepkids when you say "mother"?
This is why Plan B is important for a BW. It shields them from this pain. He took his children - my stepchildren - ages 9 and 11. I have our 4 year old here.
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There are plenty of people here on MB who I am sure would be glad to IM for you. This site is amazing. I have more support here than I have found in my own "real world" experience. I need to come up with Plan B to the Plan B with the IM now. How do I delay divorce long enough?
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Your lawyer could probably tell you how to delay better than we could. But there are lots of vets who could probably tell you, too, due to the fact that they've likely done it too.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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The OW has stopped seeing him for now after the exposure. He has lost his job due to not going since exposure with their mutual friends, some of whom still work with my WH. How do you know the OW is no longer seeing him? I suspect this is not the case. Are you sure he has lost his job? Please confirm these things. Don't accept your wayward's words about this.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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No, I understand your caution and appreciate the advice. He has left town to his parents out of state with my two stepchildren, and she remains here. It's most likely temporary and I suffer no naivete that when he returns it will most likely be business as usual. However, he does not have a place yet, and he has the older two children with him full-time now without me. I do know he lost the job because he hasn't returned to it since Friday when I exposed and I saw the email from his employer that if he didn't return to work by 8am today he was fired. I just spoke to my two stepchildren this evening, and they said that their father was with them there. If that's the case, he's not here at work.
Double whammy - job loss = money loss. Makes it hard for him but hard for me, too.
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I know this can't change overnight, if it's going to change or move forward at all. I hate that he has the power. I am protecting myself but just want to go back three weeks. I know this is not realistic. I know that I can't. I hate that I've accepted where we're at.
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. I hate that he has the power. Sweetheart a wayward doesn't even have power over himself! You will set the boundaries that suit you, and he either lives up to them and is the man you need - or he proves that he isn't. I know it doesn't feel like that in the beginning, but you will, you are clearly strong.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I don't want divorce. I want marriage. I want my husband back and working towards recovery.
Here's the good news: YOU filed. You now own the calendar!
Start playing the waiting game. POSOW just bailed on WH. Wh has no playmate supplying his ENs. Step up to the plate as you can. friend. Remind him of what he will be losing if this goes all the way to the end.
C'mon, you were once what he wanted. Be that person yet again.
Since I have no skill in describing/recommending female courting tactics, I'll leave it to MB's distaff colleagues to advise you on that. But WHs have proven to be immeasurably more retrievable than WWs, once the skank has been put aside.
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[b]
Since I have no skill in describing/recommending female courting tactics, I'll leave it to MB's distaff colleagues to advise you on that. Look good, flirt, ignore the dumb stuff he says. Basically all the things women were born knowing how to do. While not taking any crap. Read the carrot and stick of Plan A.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I know this can't change overnight, if it's going to change or move forward at all. I hate that he has the power. I am protecting myself but just want to go back three weeks. I know this is not realistic. I know that I can't. I hate that I've accepted where we're at. You should read this Pep's Carrot and Stick of Plan A
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I've read and am rereading it. And you're right - I keep handing power over to him, instead of taking it. I filed, damn it. I am in charge. I'm not a victim anymore. I keep telling myself, "I had to be reactive to him with the affair with the OW. I am now proactive for my life. He can react to me."
He did lose his job, by the way. My friend's husband called and asked for him and was told by reception that he no longer works there. This is not good news for us financially, although he chose it - was too ashamed to return to work due to the work/friends crossover, even though she didn't work there? Or just devolving into the hole he dug? His work vehicle is sitting in front of our house and hasn't been moved in three days. It's like he doesn't want out of the pit.
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He is not behaving very smartly right now. It's the alien--it is lost to all but want of the toxic OW.
Ever read Lord of The Rings? If so, remember Gollum? He did not care for anything but the ring and left everything, lost everything--in the end, even his life, for want of the ring.
He probably just didn't want to face people telling him that what he was doing was WRONG. Poor baby.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Oh my god - Gollum is an amazing analogy right now. This makes me pity him instead of being eaten up by anger and hurt. Thank you for this - it is a gift. I'm hoping he'll give it up before he enters Mount Doom.
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I am not deceived, though, that he may just proclaim to keep it all for his own at the end.
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I changed my mind. He is no longer Gollum. He is Sauron himself. I feel fractured right now. Hairline breaks everywhere but still functioning as is hurts like hell. I am so, so, so, so angry.
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I'm so sorry for your pain Harriet. Are you in Plan B while you file for D? It will help you heal. How to plan b properly
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I changed my mind. He is no longer Gollum. He is Sauron himself. I feel fractured right now. Hairline breaks everywhere but still functioning as is hurts like hell. I am so, so, so, so angry. Harriet, been there. Totally understand. I do. That said, we don't want you making big decisions from a place of anger. Or any emotion really. You're on the emotional rollercoaster. Takes months to slow down. Your feelings will change daily. This is why BSs are advised to wait six months before making life altering decisions. Can you Plan A at all? Even for a short time? I am close to a D but I am still so glad I gave it my all first. I have nothing to regret, no 'what ifs' If not, you should prepare for a Plan B. This is mistakenly seen as a ploy to get the WS back. It isn't, it just allows the rollercoaster to stop and slow while keeping all options open. Take excellent care of yourself: sleeping and eating are every BSs priority!
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Yes, it's plan B - filed one week ago today. Nothing has changed. I filed because he was so emotionally unstable when it came to a head two weekends ago. When he threw out threats about me and my son and "making life hard" while he continues to see her, I knew we were in plan B. In eight years, I had never experienced anything like that with him. There was only about ten days of plan A. It's heartbreaking. I felt pathetic in plan A. He belittled me for making efforts - "too little too late". Sigh.
However, I'm resolved. It's in his court now, literally and figuratively. It's so fast... I feel like lightning has hit. I don't have much hope, but I've protected myself in the few ways I know how.
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Plan B requires preparation. Have you done a letter? Got an IM? have you separated finances? Changed your contact details so he can't reach you?
The link in my sig explains how. A poor Plan B with holes in it is worse than none at all.
You should Plan A right up until you Plan B. If he belittlles either ignore or say 'That was hurtful, I will need you to stop that' leave a good taste in his mouth before you Plan B. Either dress up nice, drop by and say something affectionate or send a flirty email asking for a coffee date (it doesn't matter if he says no - the aim is for him to regret the no later)
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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