My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years. We have a blended family (his, hers and ours).The first 3 years of marriage he spent as an over the road truck driver and was only home on weekends (lived in fl). We then moved out of state (his home- Mississippi) for his job but then he again worked an hour and a half away so he lived with his brother. One weekend he went out and didn't come home. I found out he went home with another woman because "she was drunk and needed a ride". He says he didn't do anything with her however I was heart broken. After that I began becoming emotionally detached. I felt he wasn't meeting my emotional needs. I then moved closer to him and we were back living together. Things seemed ok but I then began a year long affair with a coworker. He found out because his ex-girlfriend (his children's mother) found out and told him. She lived about 5 minutes from where we moved to. I broke off the affair and we struggled for a month or 2 but he seemed to want to work things out. We moved back to florida again since he was gone all the time working anyways. 9 months later he was working out of town again and was gone for 3 months. He called one night and told me he couldn't stop thinking about what I had done and he wanted a divorce. He told me he was talking to an old friend which happened to be a girl. I struggled a great deal with this and turned to God. I began telling him that I felt God could help us work through things. We are both Christians but haven't been walking in faith for a while now. Through numerous conversations things seemed to get back on track. He has been back in Miss. again working since december while I am still in fl until the summer. I went to visit him over spring break and things were wonderful. But here are my concerns and questions that I need advice on.

I have trust issues because of what he did and what I did. I check phone bills, emails etc. His ex girlfriend texts and calls him numerous times a day. She sends jokes, adds about where we can find houses, lists for car for sale (he's looking for a new vehicle) etc. I know he wouldn't get back together with her but it still bothers me. I understand talking with her about the kids but I don't feel numerous times a day is necessary. I have expressed my concerns but he is very laid back, doesn't get his feathers ruffled easily and doesn't think there's anything wrong with it. What can I do to get him to understand my concerns and ask her to back off some?

Also, he works long hours and by the time he gets home he is too tired to help with house work. What can I do to get him to help more?

I'm also afraid that being back in the same town as his ex and being in the same place where so much happened will cause us to "relive" the past. How can I get over this fear?

I have sent several emails (sometimes it's hard to reach him to talk) to him after listening to several of your shows. Listed my faults and how I hope and plan to fix them. Listed my concerns and "complaints" and asked what his are that he thinks I can work on to help him. He hasn't responded to any of them and when I have asked if he got them and if he could respond he replies with, "see.. it's always something".

I feel like we are on the right track but my fears and concerns seem to overwhelm me sometimes and I'm not quite sure what to do.

Thank you for any help or advice you can offer.

You need to read surviving an affair and/or His Needs Her Needs. You both have poor boundaries with the opposite sex, you haven't identified each others unmet needs, and you continue to spend nights apart, which all equate to another affair. Take your pick, him or you. Once you read the books, you need to demand the best marriage possible and show him the plan to get there.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, tkn.
The first issue I want to tackle is your husband's job. As long as he is away from you at night the possibility of an affair will be there. That needs to end. He needs to find a job that will allow the two of you to be together at night.

So...things were okay, so to celebrate how good things were with you and your husband you had an affair??? I'm thinking things weren't as good as you thought. And you made a stupid decision. To the detriment of you, your marriage and your children. Stupid you.

Are you saying that you are living in a different state from your husband?

Uh huh. Okay. How often do you go to church now? Have you both turned your lives over to Christ? What is the point of this comment? Are you both walking in faith now? I'm confused by this statement and don't see what it has to do with your sitch.

It sounds like you and your WH are living separately. Until this ends you will have marital and fidelity issues. I'm sorry, tkn.

I appreciate your input...

yes we are separated due to work for now but I plan to move in june to be with him.. I'm a teacher so I can't move until the end of the school year.

I guess when I said about things being ok was directed towards the fact that we never fought. We never argued.. etc. There wasn't a big red flag that said "oh this is what's wrong".

Yes we are both christians and are back focused on our relationships with God. I contribute most of our problems to being "out of contact" with Him and our faith. We are both attending church again but obviously in different places. We talk about our faith regularly now.

Things are really going wonderful for us now and I guess my main question/concern is:

"His ex girlfriend texts and calls him numerous times a day. She sends jokes, adds about where we can find houses, lists for car for sale (he's looking for a new vehicle) etc. I know he wouldn't get back together with her but it still bothers me. I understand talking with her about the kids but I don't feel numerous times a day is necessary. I have expressed my concerns but he is very laid back, doesn't get his feathers ruffled easily and doesn't think there's anything wrong with it. What can I do to get him to understand my concerns and ask her to back off some?"

I trust him completely but I just don't like the situation and what she's doing. She has even taken him dinner to work when he's had to work late. He doesn't see the problem with any of this and when we have talked about it he says it's no big deal and the correspondence is irrelevant to anything. So how do I get over this supposedly meaningless and harmless communication?

Thanks again for the advice...

Welcome to MB. I agree that God should be at the heart of all relationships. But as sinful human beings even with God in our life we can be tempted if we put ourselves in certain situations. Lack of boundaries and a marriage that is set up to harvest affairs is responsible for affairs. The book Surviving an Affair, this site and these forums can give you lots of information about how to work through your history and affair proof your marriage for the future. What kind of work have you done towards this goal?

Things are NOT going wonderfully for you. They are going as wonderfully as they were before your last A's. You continue to live apart. Your WH ontinues to have poor boundaries with other women, and seems to feel no need to make you comfortable with his contact levels with his XGF. This communication is not meaningless and it is definitely not harmless, or you would not be posting about it. And the fact that you 'trust him completely' is strikingly strange to me given the circumstances. I am sorry to say this but I think it is just a matter of time before history repeats itself here.

Please read this from Dr. Harley.

Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage?

"trust him completely but I just don't like the situation and what she's doing. She has even taken him dinner to work when he's had to work late. He doesn't see the problem with any of this and when we have talked about it he says it's no big deal and the correspondence is irrelevant to anything. So how do I get over this supposedly meaningless and harmless communication?"

Tkn, your trust is very, very misplaced. Your husband is a playah and philanderer who carries on a secret second life. I assure you that is you hired a PI to tail him for a week, he would find an affair. I don't know what you think there is to save here.

I would strongly suggest you get the goods on his affair, confront him with a list of conditions that includes moving in with you and spending every night together. He should also make his life so transparent that it would be impossible to have another affair in addition to ending ALL contact with females. He probably won't do that though, because he cares more for his philadering lifestyle than he does his marriage. If he won't make these radical changes, you should divorce him.