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I am having trouble working on recovery with my WH because of the pain and fear that I am still dealing with. We are not living together right now. I had to leave my home with my 3 kids due to his continuous cake eating and stress it brought to the family. He is living in a friend's condo where he had brought the OW to.
He has written the NC letter and it has been sent, I have access to his cell phone records as well as to his car and condo, and he has been given my list of requirements in order for our marriage to move forward. But I feel we are stuck.
I find it difficult to meet his EN's and the UA time with these conditions, however I am nowhere ready to allow him access to my home yet. I am stubborn about keeping this boundary until I feel that he has earned it and I have not seen that from him yet.
I also struggle with the problems that his A has caused with our families. His parents and sisters seem to want little to do with me and I am not confident that they know the truth of our circumstances. I have talked to his parents but don't feel that they believe me. My parents and family live locally and they do not want anything to do with him because of his disrepect to me and my family. I feel that family gatherings are a thing of the past because of this. I also feel guilty when I am with him because I feel like I am betraying them.

I would very much like to call the coaching center to speak to one of the Harley's and get their take on my situation. Until then, would anyone care to weigh in? I do not want to continue much longer in this limbo as it has been mentally and physically exhausting for me.

Thanks


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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
I am having trouble working on recovery with my WH because of the pain and fear that I am still dealing with. We are not living together right now. I had to leave my home with my 3 kids due to his continuous cake eating and stress it brought to the family. He is living in a friend's condo where he had brought the OW to.
He has written the NC letter and it has been sent, I have access to his cell phone records as well as to his car and condo, and he has been given my list of requirements in order for our marriage to move forward. But I feel we are stuck.
I find it difficult to meet his EN's and the UA time with these conditions, however I am nowhere ready to allow him access to my home yet. I am stubborn about keeping this boundary until I feel that he has earned it and I have not seen that from him yet.
I also struggle with the problems that his A has caused with our families. His parents and sisters seem to want little to do with me and I am not confident that they know the truth of our circumstances. I have talked to his parents but don't feel that they believe me. My parents and family live locally and they do not want anything to do with him because of his disrepect to me and my family. I feel that family gatherings are a thing of the past because of this. I also feel guilty when I am with him because I feel like I am betraying them.

I would very much like to call the coaching center to speak to one of the Harley's and get their take on my situation. Until then, would anyone care to weigh in? I do not want to continue much longer in this limbo as it has been mentally and physically exhausting for me.

Thanks


What is your list of requirements?





Recovery began 10/07;

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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
... But I feel we are stuck.

... I am stubborn about keeping this boundary until I feel that he has earned it and I have not seen that from him yet.

What do you mean by stuck?


How will you measure his "earning it"?



BTW, I'm very supportive of the coaching center..... They are the main reason our recovery proceeded successfully.





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Herpapabear, my list of requirements was thanks to you and sexymamabear

-No Contact letter (done and mailed by me)
-Change cell phone number or block skank's (done)
-Give me access to cell phone account info to see calls and texts made(done)
-Provide me with copies of keys to car and condo (done)
-Allow me to receive residential custody of kids (not done - he is fighting me on that one)
-Own your own choices and the consequences they caused (to me, children and family) Not seeing this yet
-Apologize for the affair and the hurt it has caused (to me, children, family) to me he has but not to anyone else
-Begin Independent counseling (started)
-Participate in marriage counseling (have not started yet)
-STD test (not done)

Agree to abide by forever (EPs):
-Protect my feelings above all else (yes-he has agreed)
- Not participate in any one-on-one meetings with anyone of the opposite sex (yes)
-Not discuss any personal issues with anyone of the opposite sex (yes)
- Agree to POJA for any and all decisions (I myself am a little fuzzy on this and need to read more about POJA)
-Be open and honest to me at all times about past and future
(how do i trust him???)
-Make my phone calls your priority by answering them or returning them as soon as possible (yes)
- Trade phones with me at any time, no questions asked (yes, but has yet to do that)
-Leave phone accessible to me at all times (yes, but we don't live together so I do not have access to the phone)
-Commit to at least 15 hours of UA per week (again, we don't live together so this is hard to do)
-If Skank finds a a way to contact you, immediately end contact and notify me
-Anything else that I decide to be a boundary


I feel stuck because we do not seem to be moving forward. He is remorseful and wants to make me feel better...but I don't.

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Rocket - I'm a little confused, or maybe I missed something. (I've had a crazy, busy week...I might have not seen updates to your SAA thread.)

So, does this mean H was willing to meet all your requirements and did so AND sent the NC letter? He's willing to do everything you've asked for recovery?

If so, I am not sure I understood the stuck part - it doesn't sound like he's willing to do everything if you are not feeling safe and don't feel like he's earning his way back.

These things take time, sure. But...it's awfully hard to recover a marriage when you aren't in the same home. I'm not saying he should move in prematurely - he MUST be doing EVERYTHING you've asked to earn his way back in. But - if you've read SAA, you know that Dr. H recommends as much time together as possible in early recovery - even to the point of taking some time away, just the two of you.

It's important to guard yourself from false recovery. It's hard for me to get a grip on exactly where you're at with the gap of missing information.


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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The most important thing you can do is contact MB and set up some coaching appointments.

Do this ASAP!

It's mission critical!

Your H cannot accomplish nor understand all of this without their help. The best part is YOU won't have to teach him, they will do it all!

His willingness or lack of willingness to do the coaching will tell you a great deal.







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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
-Allow me to receive residential custody of kids (not done - he is fighting me on that one)

Is this even relevant if he is going to come home and you restore the marriage?

Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
-Own your own choices and the consequences they caused (to me, children and family) Not seeing this yet

This may take more than a few weeks time!

Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
-Apologize for the affair and the hurt it has caused (to me, children, family) to me he has but not to anyone else

This will require some work on his part and won't happen overnight.

I'd recommend you being present during all apologies to insure his disclosures.

Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
-Begin Independent counseling (started)

IMVHO, this is the only item on your list that is a bad idea!

SMB removed this requirement from her list after thinking about it and realizing she would never know what bull was being spewed or fed by or to me.





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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
-Be open and honest to me at all times about past and future
(how do i trust him???)

You must have a plan to sit down and discuss all the historical timelines about the A. When you are confident you have the truth written down, you ask questions again and again to see if the answers change or stay the same..... You'll know very quickly!






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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
-Own your own choices and the consequences they caused (to me, children and family) Not seeing this yet
-Apologize for the affair and the hurt it has caused (to me, children, family) to me he has but not to anyone else
-Begin Independent counseling (started)
-Participate in marriage counseling (have not started yet)
-STD test (not done)

The items in red seem to be important but not satisfied.

Perhaps that is why you are stuck...do you think that he is just doing the bare minimum to get by and not really sorry about what happened? That you're the one doing all the hard work and he is just coasting along?

If it were me, I would tell him to prove his sincerity and prove to you that you should stay married to him. If/when he asks how to do that, tell him it's his problem to figure out.

He figured out how to get you to marry him once, he should be able to figure out how to get you to stay married to him.

He should also contact your family and apologize for being a dumbsh*t son-in-law.



Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
I feel stuck because we do not seem to be moving forward. He is remorseful and wants to make me feel better...but I don't.

Feelings follow actions!

It's critical that you and H follow a guide through the devastation that's been left behind. MB Coaching Center will be that guide, just as it was for us.

The correct actions will lead to the feelings of love occurring.

But, only time, combined with these correct actions, will allow you to feel better about your marriage.

Recovery is a narrow path. Only those that follow that path have successful, loving marriages..... Otherwise what you will have is a crippled marriage.





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Originally Posted by Northwood8900
If/when he asks how to do that, tell him it's his problem to figure out.

Though I understand what fuels this comment, it's not helpful to the state of the marriage nor to recovery.

The correct statement would be; "I can't help you with these things, as it causes me too much pain, this is why we are going to do the MB Coaching Center"

This is why the coaching center is so valuable!
They will help him figure it out!

They helped me figure it out and led us toward a successful recovery. They prevented me from making mistakes that would have caused my dear wife more pain.

Last edited by HerPapaBear; 04/06/12 01:30 PM. Reason: added a line




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Originally Posted by SunnyDinTX
So, does this mean H was willing to meet all your requirements and did so AND sent the NC letter? He's willing to do everything you've asked for recovery?

If so, I am not sure I understood the stuck part - it doesn't sound like he's willing to do everything if you are not feeling safe and don't feel like he's earning his way back.

These things take time, sure. But...it's awfully hard to recover a marriage when you aren't in the same home. I'm not saying he should move in prematurely - he MUST be doing EVERYTHING you've asked to earn his way back in. But - if you've read SAA, you know that Dr. H recommends as much time together as possible in early recovery - even to the point of taking some time away, just the two of you.

It's important to guard yourself from false recovery. It's hard for me to get a grip on exactly where you're at with the gap of missing information.


Sunny, He is willing to do all of the requirements but has not done all of them. Which is why I am not ready to let him move in. But it hard for us to spend so much time together when we are living apart, I am still hurting and also afraid of a false recovery.


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Originally Posted by HerPapaBear
Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
-Allow me to receive residential custody of kids (not done - he is fighting me on that one)

Is this even relevant if he is going to come home and you restore the marriage?

This was started when he first moved out and I do not want to drop our hearing scheduled for May until he has completed the requirements

Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
-Own your own choices and the consequences they caused (to me, children and family) Not seeing this yet

This may take more than a few weeks time!

Thank you!

Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
-Apologize for the affair and the hurt it has caused (to me, children, family) to me he has but not to anyone else

This will require some work on his part and won't happen overnight.

I'd recommend you being present during all apologies to insure his disclosures.

Thank you!

Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
-Begin Independent counseling (started)

IMVHO, this is the only item on your list that is a bad idea!

SMB removed this requirement from her list after thinking about it and realizing she would never know what bull was being spewed or fed by or to me.


I was called on this as well, and didn't realize that IC was a bad idea. I have already heard some cr@p that his IC has said and was not happy about it. I would much rather he speak to the coaching center but the cost is a small concern as well as phone counseling. I will urge him to give it a try.

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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
Sunny, He is willing to do all of the requirements but has not done all of them. Which is why I am not ready to let him move in. But it hard for us to spend so much time together when we are living apart, I am still hurting and also afraid of a false recovery.

I am a little confused: if he has not yet met your requirements, why are you trying to do anything toward recovery, yet?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by Northwood8900
Perhaps that is why you are stuck...do you think that he is just doing the bare minimum to get by and not really sorry about what happened? That you're the one doing all the hard work and he is just coasting along?

If it were me, I would tell him to prove his sincerity and prove to you that you should stay married to him. If/when he asks how to do that, tell him it's his problem to figure out.

He figured out how to get you to marry him once, he should be able to figure out how to get you to stay married to him.

He should also contact your family and apologize for being a dumbsh*t son-in-law.


I do think that he doing the bare minimum to get by but not due to fog but more due to not knowing what to do. He has posted a few times here but has not been as committed as I had hoped.

I agree with the rest smile

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Originally Posted by markos[/quote
I am a little confused: if he has not yet met your requirements, why are you trying to do anything toward recovery, yet?


I am confused. How would I be a partner in our recovery if I was not in his life to insure that the requirements are being taken care of? We are not living together right now and we are trying to see if we can have a better marriage then we had pre-A before we do live together again.

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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
I was called on this as well, and didn't realize that IC was a bad idea. I have already heard some cr@p that his IC has said and was not happy about it. I would much rather he speak to the coaching center but the cost is a small concern as well as phone counseling. I will urge him to give it a try.

I do understand the cost concerns.

But here's the thing;

It's usually only necessary to have approx 6 sessions together. You can pre-purchase at a discount, buying in units.

It's so minimal of a cost when compared to a divorce and the lifetime expenses associated with divorces.

It's the only successful plan I've seen that specializes in "Recovering From Infidelity".

The list goes on...........


Last edited by HerPapaBear; 04/06/12 02:43 PM.




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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
I do think that he doing the bare minimum to get by

If he hasn't met all of your requirements, yet, then he is not even doing the bare minimum.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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He has to demonstrate that the NC, remorse and transparency requirements have been met before you move back in with him, and also that he has set up coaching with the MB coaching centre. There are several things like that that ME MUST DO before you go back to him, and it is up to him to prove to you that they have been done.

Only when they are done do you allow him back home in order to work on other aspects of recovery - like UA time to have a better marriage than before.


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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
I would much rather he speak to the coaching center but the cost is a small concern as well as phone counseling. I will urge him to give it a try.
Do not "urge him to give it a try". Make it a condition of reconciliation and do not allow him to move home until you have both had some sessions (separately) with the coaching centre - which he has set up and pre-paid.

He has to make this happen!


BW
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His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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