The overall story of my marriage is rather long and I am certain will come out as I begin to open up on this forum. But, right now I have a couple questions... Everything I am reading says to shed as much light on the affair as possible. My family, her family, the OM's family, place of work, everywhere. I am reluctant to do this and am concerned that it is not the right choice or even what the right choice will be.

The OM is married to a very controlling spouse. She apparently monitors his every move and is very quick to do just what everyone here says (she tells EVRYONE). The problem is that we live in a very small community and I am afraid that involving everyone will make it harder for my wife and I to work through this. My wife has always had issues with self esteem and this would ruin her personal self image. Given her history with depression, I would seriously question her ability to survive... I realize that not doing so would make it easier for the affair to go "underground". But, are there times in which it is just better to "not tell"?

No. None.

Welcome to MB.

Welcome and sorry for the pain that has brought you here.

There aren't any times I can think of that it's better to not tell than to tell.

Read these:
Steps to Recover from an Affair
Exposure 101 Your most Powerful Weapon

But, what if the affair is over or has been over?

Yes even if it was in the past.
Historical Honesty

You need complete open and honesty and you need to start with historical honesty.

The BW of the OM most definitely needs to know. What if you didn't know? Wouldn't you want someone to inform you?

Think about that one for a minute. Apparently she doesn't monitor OM that closely or the affair would not have happened. Who told you she was controlling? She is very wise to monitor his every move now that she knows he is untrustworthy.

Who is OM? Do you have children?

If the situation were reversed and the other BS knew and didn't tell YOU - and the affair was over - you'd be spitting mad when you found out 5 years later.

The BSs and the recovered WSs on this forum will all tell you that the BW has the right know. I told the other BS in my situation, and I listened as his heart broke, out loud. But he thanked me effusively and never regretted that I had told him. I only wish we had told each other when we each, separately and independently, found out about the affair when it was only weeks or months old. We could have stopped it developing into a 3.5-year PA, with all the much worse heartbreak that caused us and all our children.

Tell her, and stop talking hypotheticals.

What if...?

What if it were YOU who were being kept in the dark?

I would just point out that Historical Honesty is something that spouses owe each other. this is not owed to anybody else outside the marriage. But a BS who knows of the affair owes the other BS the information they hold about the marriage, on the grounds of simple common decency and humanity.

Wouldn't you tell a parent if you found out that her daughter had been sexually abused in the past? How is this different?

The OM is a Police Officer and works 3rd shift. It is rather easy for them to "hide" things. Like I said, this is a very small community. We are constantly hearing of her "sounding the alarm". It rattles through the police department and literally all hell breaks loose from her.

The complicating factors are that my WW also works there. She told me of the affair; but, only after I let her know that I had suspicions and would be taking action to look at her computer. I have told her no communication. Found out that she opened a secret email account to update him on my desire to tell his wife. She opened up to me about this a day later and sat with me as I read the correspondence. I wrote him letting him know I knew everything and that they were no longer to communicate. To say the least, he is terrified and apologetic.
I have enough information to fully ruin him (marriage and career). I know that morally his wife should be told. But, if this blows up, I am afraid it will hinder my ability to work this out with my WW. Especially considering that our children would certainly find out.

My wife has shown me more remorse than I have ever seen. Both are overly adamant that there was nothing emotional involved that it was just physical and the last time was several months ago. I just want to do what is right for my family. Honestly, for me, an affair was an instant marriage ender. It was not until I saw the remorse in my wife's eyes that I considered saving this. Now, I know that I can't not at least try. I have told her that I am keeping a watchful eye and if I find out that ANY contact has been made we are through immediately. He has been told that if any further contact is made his family and employer will be notified immediately. I will go through this once...but I will NOT go through this again!

Your post screams "But...but...but..."

You seem to have made up your mind about exposure, so I am not sure what help you are looking for. You seem to have completely ignored my post about the other spouse's right to know. You also seem to be ignoring Dr Harley's reasons for exposing an affair. You seem to think that his advice does not apply to your wife's affair, because it is different somehow.

More frighteningly, you are willing to trust your wife's word, and OM's display of being "terrified and apologetic", as proof that the affair has ended.

If you have read anything here you must know that they cannot work together for even another day. While they work together the affair continues, and while you all live in that same tiny town, contact is impossible to avoid. You can never be sure while you live there that they have no contact with each other, even after she leaves the job.

She dumped on her own doorstep and in order to recover, she will have to leave the job and you will have to move.

And yes, you will have to expose - to their employers and to your families, including your kids.

This gave me the impression that OM BW knows about the affair. What is she telling everyone?

I have not made up my mind. I am asking for help.

As long as they still work together, the affair is still on. They are laying low until things cool off with you.



Does this sound familiar? If your WW is truely remorseful, she will quit that job and commit to NC with OM for LIFE.

I am asking for help.

Understood. Now answer this question:

The postings of how many veterans of what you're going through
RIGHT NOW will it take to convince you that asking for help is no
longer necessary; it's implementing the help that is now called for?

You're not going to expose this affair just to POSOM's family, and your family. You're going to inform their employer, all their friends, their clergy, and contacts down to your WW's hairdresser and nail aesthetician!

This is strategic, not punitive. You want everyone who either AP could turn to for support to have already been informed of what kind of slutty behavior they would be providing emotional support FOR! You want their employer to know that Mr Cop's idea of "To Protect and Serve" comes across as "To Protect His Opportunity to Get Served". (Seriously, how does his jumping a married woman's bones align with the requirement of good sense and judgment in exercising his duties?)

The affair is dead only when you kill it, friend. Killing it is best done by exposing it.

Hiding this affair from OM BW is a cruel thing to do to another victim. You probably won't get much help here if you cannot do the right thing yourself and help out your WW victim.


Not exposing the affair to OM BW is just outright wrong.

Is it remorse or guilt for getting caught? They are very different you know. How do I know this? I was a WW that got caught. I know the terrified "deer in the headlights" look. I know that she does feel horrible guilt but unless YOU take action, she will not feel remorse. The only way to truly make a wayward feel remorse is to EXPOSE.

It will not be easy for you or your wife. I worked in a high school and the OM's wife exposed our affair through the entire district. This led to an investgation, a two week suspension, and me almost losing my job. That entire month was hell on earth and scary as hell. Guess what, I am so grateful it happened. Why? Because it got the OM out of my school (there is no way that I would have been able to end my A with him in the same school), it opened my eyes to the true reality of what I was doing, and unfortunatly it was a consequence for my selfish actions. I don't know if I would ever have had true remorse if this would not have happened.

In addition, your wife's AP is like a drug. They CANNOT work together. While I was having my affair I felt extreme guilt. Each night I would go home and look at my H and tell myself that I had to end my A. Then the next day I would see the OM and start all over again. The fog will not clear if he is near!!!

Sweeping this under the carpet will not help either. How do I know this? Because I had my first afair 13 years ago and my H and I tried to sweep it away. This taught me NOTHING and although I was good for 13 years, I don't believe I ever felt true remorse because I DID IT AGAIN!!!

Not exposing this, allowing them to work together, and not telling his wife are not protecting any one. They are hurting everyone invovled.

This is coming from someone who did the exact same thing your wife did.

Bewildered, welcome to Marriage Builders. As the others have explained, you are greatly hindering your ability to save your marriage by helping the afairees hide their secret. As long as you aide and abet the affair, they are free to carry on.

And no, the affair has not stopped. They still see each other at work and since you have shown them your hand and made the mistake of blackmail, they have gone further underground. You have forewarned them, which is a strategic mistake.

Nor is your wife "remorseful." that is an act. A truly remorseful person makes amends to her victims. Dd your wife apologize to the OMs wife? Your children? Did she turn away from her crime by ending contact with the OM? No, she did not. So you can see she is not really remorseful. That is just an act.

If you want to help your wife become truly repentant and do the necessary work to save your marriage, you will need to stop being an enabler. You are headed towards divorce if you don't because affairs thrive on secrecy.

Your best bet is to expose the affair wide and far. Expos� to he OMs wife, your children, their employer. Evyone should know. That is the best thing for you, your wife and most especially your children.

P.s. not telling the OMs wife is immoral. When she finds out you helped them trick her she will not be amused. This woman has children too, doesn't she? How can she protect herself and her children from your wife and her H if you won't tell her?

Listing problems or issues with OPS or OP's M is a very common tactic used by a BS who doesn't want to expose, bewildered. In fact, this is a common tactic used by the WS to try to talk the BS out of exposing to OPS. Those excuses are not going to get you very far here.

I just have to shake my head as I believe this is what OW BH did in my case as well....told him how screwed up our M was and how my STBX chased her and their A was not a real A. *sigh*

Here's the thing: It is NONE of your business what OM's BW is like, what her issues are or what the state of their M is. It just doesn't matter.

All you need to know is that they are married and that she has the right to know what has been done behind her back just like you had that very same right.

Exposing to OPS is win-win. It helps to ensure the A ends and it is the RIGHT thing to do.

If you keep it a secret, you become part of the vicitimization of OMBW. Do you really need to be told this? When I had confirmation of the affair, the VERY FIRST THING I did was tell OWH.

Waywards VERY OFTEN are depressed and suicidal.

The tools are all right here on the site for her to begin redeeming herself and to start making steps in the right direction to fix this mess. Exposure, NC and working on recovery.

Taking shortcuts is not the answer. Shielding her from the consequences of her actions is not the answer. Dr Harley says deviations from his plan are disastrous and we have seen that over and over and over again here on the forums...