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No it wasnt anything like that their was nothing going on at that time. I had conversations with this other female coworker but nothing was going on we just had a lot of issues at the time and we had no conversation for almost a month. Her parents house is tight the living room is 10x15 and seven people live their already. so when we go their with our for kids and her brothers girl friend is their their is no were to sit and just not a comfortable setting. Her mother I believe has always been a very negative affect on my wife as she is not a positive person. Her sister inlaw is bipoller and I dont believe I have ever seen her andher husband every really have a conversation in the 14 years I have known them. Just a lot of tension all the time.

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Lots of homes are crowded on hoildays, especially when big families are involved. What makes you feel that your mother in law has a negative effect on your wife? How so? Would it have been okay if the family had come to your house for the holiday?

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You said your wife had given you a list. What was on the list and how many have you completed?

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That's my question, too. What exactly has your BW already asked of you? Please do not omit anything.

Once we have that, we can figure out if there are other areas still needing to be addressed.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Kiss. Here is what you said in your first post about not wanting to go to Thanksgiving:
Originally Posted by kiss
Then it was about Thanksgiving and her family started getting involved.

Then you changed it to this:


Originally Posted by kiss
pokerface,
sorry for not responding...
The reason I did not go to Thanksgiving with my wife is because her parents house is very crazy and their is a lot of negativity their. I wanted to have a quite Thanksgiving and be able to do things with my kids. My inlaws house is very tight and not a lot to do. I really wanted time to cook and be with my wife to try to enjoy each others company instead of wondering how long until we could leave. I love my wife and am so pissed at my self that it took me screwing up to realize it.


Why not just admit that you were not ready to face your BW family? Are you ready now?

Owning up to your actions and facing them will go far with your BW. Have you thought about apologizing to her parents for cheating on their daughter...with no if, and, or but in your apology?


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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Originally Posted by kiss
neak, I have given my wife access to my cell phone records and bank account info. I do not have any contact with the other female. Can you give me more examples of your EP's to assist me.

Hey kiss (keep it simple stupid or the band?)

When was the last time you talked to OW?


Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

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my mother in law is all ways negative she never has anything good to say about anyone. She is always talking badly about everyone. From her family,co-workers, her daughter in law, even her own husband. No I wanted it to just be us. We really could have used the time to spend with each other and our kids

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Originally Posted by kiss
my mother in law is all ways negative she never has anything good to say about anyone. She is always talking badly about everyone. From her family,co-workers, her daughter in law, even her own husband. No I wanted it to just be us. We really could have used the time to spend with each other and our kids
Kiss, what is your wife requiring of you in order to recover your marriage? What have you done so far? You say you 'changed locations' in your job. Is there even a remote possibility that you can have contact with OW in your current location?

Please respond to the other poster regarding the NC letter. What, exactly, did it say? Did your wife see it, approve of it, and mail it? Or did you just tell her that you had done it?

Is OW married?

Where are you currently living?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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By "remote possibility of contact", I would also include a company-wide email that is sent to both of you. You don't even need to see her name on a list, as that will trigger those portions of your mind connected with your adultery.

I find it hard to believe you could be in a far enough part of the company to really be sure of NC.



A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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I have all the respect in the world for my father in law. I do not want any contact with my mother in law now or ever. I have been thinking about taking my father in law out to lunch to talk. But im just not ready yet. I have a lot of doubts about whats going to happen with my wife.

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Its kiss the band. The last time I talked to the other woman was on march 5th.

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my wifes list:
immediate things to do:
1 change cell# or block other womans calls
DONE blocked calls
2 she wanted a copy of the keys to my car and condo
DONE gave her copies of both
3 give her account # and online access to bank account
DONE
4 allow her custody of kids
NO CHANCE IN HELL if we are trying to work on this and trying to work things out you do not go to court. She is doing this to be able to control the kids over me. I work different days of the week and weekends and my hours change every day. so if the court gives me set days then I am screwed and she knows that.

to start on:
1 owning my choices to myself, wife, kids and family
STARTED I have owned up to my wife and my family know what has happened I have not talked to my step kids or her family. I don't want to talk to my step kids about it and build up a false hope when I have no idea where this is going.
2 appologize for the affair to the same people
NOT DONE YET
3 begin independent counseling
DONE I go weekly started 3 weeks ago
4 participate in marraige counceling
still working on we are going to see my counseler together on 4/12
5 attend church
done we started going as a family
6 STD test
going this week

This is to follow the no contact letter that she told me what to write that I gave her and she mailed out.

there was an addition list of forever things that would help her deal with trust and feeling security.

The other woman is not married.

THANKS, KISS

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Not rreally happy right now actually really pissed. I have been trying to be with my wife every second we can be together. I text her constantly and I feel that things have been great. She let me in her house last night. Witch was the first time we have been spending a lot of time shopping and just hanging out at my buddies condo. But last night we cuddled on the coach for a while then I layed in our bed and held her until about 4:30 am nothing sexual I just held her allnight it was great. Then this morning (Easter sunday) she came over early with the kids. I made breakfast and we just had fun. Then I had to work. She came over later on around 9:30. We just sat on the coach watching T.V. and I held her and rubbed her feet. Then I asked her what she had going on this week. She brings up that she has to go to court!!!! We have a child support hearing on Thursday. I was pissed (still am) How is going to court for child support and custady us working on getting back together. To me it means that its over. I give her $600 every two weeks and I have been. This is a huge deal to me. I do not feel this is a positive thing at all and have thought about us being done. To me this is a power move on her part. She will be able to have power of controling the kids over me. I work different days every week and my hours change everyday. So if the courts say that I get the kids on Tuesdays and Sundays like how she wants I will never see my kids and she can tell me tough [censored]! then what? I have no idea how she thinks this is a good thing at the point we are now! I look at this as a real kick in the nuts. I really don't think I can get past this if we go to court. It shows no real commitment on working thing out on her end.

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**edit**

Last edited by Fireproof; 04/09/12 12:19 AM. Reason: TOS disruptive, non MB advice
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Listen up, man. You had an affair and acted completely unremorseful for quite some time. You let your wife move away and lifted hardly a finger to work things out.

How do I know this? I followed her story on here.

It's going to take time to win her trust back. This is not a hostile move, it's a smart one on her part since you've proved recently that you are unreliable, uneven and not fit to be in charge of your family.

I say be agreeable and put your own fears aside. focus on your wife and children and accommodating their needs. You have A LOT to make up for and if this manouver is enough to spook you away from recovery then I have to question your stamina.

You caused all of this. Suck it up and make it right or let the poor woman move on in peace.

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**edit**


Last edited by Fireproof; 04/08/12 11:38 PM. Reason: TOS disrupting thread
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Kiss is a fogged out wayward husband who's caused tons of drama and false hope for his wife. Even his attitude here is one of entitlement and 'poor me.'

He's shown very little remorse, in fact he seems inconvenienced by what it's going to take to recover.

I had an affair too, and sometimes the wayward needs some tough love to snap out of the selfishness and get to work. THAT is the support I'm offering him and I hope he will take it.

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Your BW is very weak. Since she is not willing to raise the bar very high for you, it's up to you to raise it high for yourself. For starters, even though she said change numbers *or* block the OW, in reality you should do both. An OW with an IQ above plankton can figure out to call from other phones that aren't blocked.

Your resentment chip on your shoulder is almost overwhelming. In all honesty, this comes from BW letting you have contact with her before you're totally ready. Your remorse is underwhelming, and about all that comes through is 'poor me'. Nope, doesn't work.

Spend a good chunk of time learning what horrors you put your BW through, and what agony you bear full responsibility for. Let some remorse develop. You're not repentant yet, or your whole attitude would be different than it is.

You can put your family back together. It will involve strength, consistency, and a true sorrow for what you have done to them - not just the parts that continue to affect you. There's plenty of hope for your M, but one of you will have to be strong. Your BW has made clear that it's not going to be her. That leaves....

...you.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



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A warning to posters that the purpose of this forum is to help posters with Marriage Builders concepts. It is not to promote personal philosophies. Please familiarize yourself with MB before posting!

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**edit**

Moderators note: familiarize yourself with our TOS and the MB program before posting to those in need. This forum is not the platform for sharing personal philosophies.

Last edited by Fireproof; 04/08/12 11:47 PM. Reason: TOS
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