DO NOT URGE!
It is part of your requirements!

Specifically - the last one..... ! (-Anything else that I decide to be a boundary)

Either you have the control in recovery decisions, such as counseling and your requirements being met, or move to plan B.

HerPapaBear- thank you, I truly do believe that the MB coaching is exactly what we both need and will speak to him about it.

Markos- yes, there is much to be done and I will not stay in limbo waiting for it. Me and my family deserve more than crumbs.

Sugarcane- I totally agree. I will keep the boundary of our (mine and the children's) home intact and the admission prive VERY HIGH!!

.

And that's what seems to be missing here. Unless he's ringing your phone off the hook begging to be given another chance and you just didn't mention it?

Why hasn't he taken the STD test?

LOL, you both said the same thing about urging. I will tell him that it is non-negotiable.
If the requirements are not met within a certain time period, then I will head right to plan D.

I believe this information has already been given to you but I will try again.

It was a mistake to come out of Plan B when your WS did not agree to the requirements you had given him. I highly recommend you call Dr Harley on the radio show and/or call the coaching center to take the next step. You are basically in Plan C which is most likely to lead to D.


What Are Plan A & Plan B

He did beg me for a chance and that is what I am giving him, a chance to prove he is serious.

Good question about the STD test, I got mine done last week and I wasn't the one who messed around with a skank

Thank you, Susie. I am sending the coaching center an e-mail right now for an appointment.

What is Plan C?

Yes, but what is the answer?

SC- he is a big baby and is afraid of needles. Seriously

Did he really say that?

I mean, seriously?

Insist on the test and see if he gets mad or indignant in response.

I will insist on the test.
I will insist on the coaching center.
Thank you for the advice!!

I would call Dr Harley as well. The radio show is a wonderful resource that frankly I don't understand why more people don't take more advantage of.


You are not in Plan A or B and also not in Recovery = Plan C.


From this thread: BS's Plan C is NOT a plan!

The problem with giving requirements and not following through is that your WS now knows that he can get you to back down.

Don't bother stating that as a boundary unless you are willing to follow through.

Susie, thank you for that and the link. I will follow through on the test requirement.

RQ - my H and i are using the coaching center (going on 6 years post dday). it is the best money we have ever spent. no wishy-washy psychobable, but a solid, achieveable plan that allows the BS (and the m) to truly heal. 6 appts. the money we spent on a MC after dday was money down the toilet, and that was 6 MONTHS, not 6 appts.

i don't see the hold up here. he takes an afternoon off work, you both go to the dr together, where he gets to explain he's there because he's been a dumb**. he then gets to have a (small) pole shoved up his hoohah. (now if that's not JC, i don't know what is, lol). who gives a crap if he's scared of needles? tough patootie for him (but for heaven's sake, don't tell him to man up. let your dr do it!). then you both attend the phone appt with SH, which i hope you have already made. he will be sent his own email with instructions, and he if doesn't do what he's supposed to for the appt, SH will make no bones about it.

if he does those things, your initial list will be complete, yes? you can allow him into the home based on that good faith, and start healing your marriage.

some of your other items will take more time, and come as the recovery is in process. he's got to come out of the fog, and you guys need to bond again. this is hardest on you, i'm sorry for that, but that's the reality of marital recovery. SH will help you through this.

of course, there's always the chance that he won't do these 2 things, yes. we BSs have no control over that. it's one of the hardest things to handle, or at least it was for me. but no matter where it gets you in the end, you'll have made some kind of progress and won't feel so "stuck."

Letty, thank you so much for your informative post. Everything you said makes sense and sounds so simple. I realize now that recovery takes time, but there has been no reason for him to drag his feet on the STD test and the phone counseling. Unless he doesn't really mean he "will do whatever it takes". As you said, I can't control what he does. I can only control my reaction to it.
I appreciate your words!

~RQ

I think I'm going to keep score on how many false recoveries are preceded by the wayward not wanting to do the STD test.

I mean come on, the needle is more important then the marriage? What a bunch of bull.

Well, due to my WH having an issue with our court dates (did he really think I would just drop them??) and believing that this will cause our marriage to over, I am cutting off contact with him, again.
His sense of entitlement and "poor me" attitude is jaw-dropping. He doesn't realize that I am the one giving him a chance, not the other way around. I am the one in the driver's seat. If this will cause us to be "done", then so be it...