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Send no email. You can't educate a wayward or talk them into being more serious.
Sometimes Plan B makes them serious sometimes it does not.
If he's serious he will contact your intermediary agreeing to full conditions
He won't do that while he wants you both, and while by being in contact with him you send the message that he can HAVE you both.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Make him chase you.
Stop chasing him.
Aren't you worth it? Aren't you really?
Plan B means, by the way, you are open to rebuilding but that he needs to take the initiative to prove he is.
You don't get it yet.
You are being a harpy wife who is controlling and demanding (in his eyes).
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She needs to somehow shut that door again and reiterate her conditions since she has thrown them out the window this weekend. Just going dark isn't the right message either.
My suggestion is that she send a short email just saying she made a mistake by contacting him this weekend and needs to cut off all contact until he agrees to her conditions to tell her the full truth and pass a polygraph.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok, yes... I broke Plan B. I do need the major details and know whatever it is that he is hiding. I would like to reiterate this to him again, so we can begin to work on our marriage. Will he give you the full truth this week and agree to take another polygraph?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If he won't give you the full truth and take a polygraph, there is nothing to work on. That is the first step towards recovering your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Star,
You are heading down the wrong path for personal and marriage recovery. Please read RocketQueen's thread. She kept breaking plan B and lowering her bar...I think she stopped posting here bc she is in false recovery. This is what people hope you avoid.
All the best,
ba
Me-49, WH-51
Married 02/1983 yrs, Sons - 27, 26, 20
1st PA - 1985, 1st known EA - 1992/1993
2nd PA - 06/02 to 11/04
1st D-day - 09/03, D-day 2 - 10/04 D-day 3 05/08
NC e-mail - 11/04- it wasn't real
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She needs to somehow shut that door again and reiterate her conditions since she has thrown them out the window this weekend. Just going dark isn't the right message either.
My suggestion is that she send a short email just saying she made a mistake by contacting him this weekend and needs to cut off all contact until he agrees to her conditions to tell her the full truth and pass a polygraph. Exactly! Thank you!!!
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Ok, yes... I broke Plan B. I do need the major details and know whatever it is that he is hiding. I would like to reiterate this to him again, so we can begin to work on our marriage. Will he give you the full truth this week and agree to take another polygraph? I can ask him...
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Why don't you pick up the phone and call him. Tell him you have come to your senses and realized you are right back where you started: you still don't have the full truth or successful polygraph. Marital recovery cannot even BEGIN until that happens. "If you mean what you say when you say you will do what it takes, then you will give me the full truth and take another polygraph to demonstrate your truthfulfulness. Are you willing to do that this week?"
If not, then tell him that you can't be in contact with him until that happens. All of this "counseling" is just a distraction and an indicator that he is not being truthful when he says he is "willing to do whatever it takes."
End the call by saying that you cannot even begin to discuss reconcilation until that happens and until that does happen, you need to end contact.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And keep in mind
the grief you felt during the separation is called withdrawal and all people feel it and it sucks BIG time. Your love is not unique and special in that circumstance.
If he gets nasty when you are separate from him financially, etc.......he is troubled in a negative way that is effecting you but don't let the fear of financial betrayel rule you. Don't react to his actions but strategize and respond calmly and legally via an attorney.
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The Plan B letter I sent him got washed by accident he said. It was in his pocket.
He said that I'm not going to get anything else. He said he would think about it and try, but he has told me everything that he can possibly think of. He seemed to be good at writing the truth, so I asked him to start there. He said he could try, but he didn't know what trying was going to do at this point, because he has already wracked his brain at this point and there isn't anything else.
Last edited by starfish75; 04/09/12 12:34 PM.
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Starfish,
Go read Kiss's thread. He's totally fogged out just like your wayward. Your WH doesn't share this side of himself with you...the part that's really angry with you for interrupting his carefree lifestyle with other women but he's thinking and saying this stuff to his supporters.
You guy needs a serious wake up call because just like Kiss, your wayward seems to think he has the upper hand here and that you'll just roll over and love him no matter what he does.
You proved that by breaking your plan b this weekend. You're probably going to feel awful for a few days now. Breaking plan b before it's time means going right back to the pain that drove you to seek him out. Prepare for this and get strong, girl. You've done amazing things so far. Be tough!
Your wayward has a long way to fall before he can face the havoc he's created. Let it happen and focus on you for now.
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Where do I find Kiss's thread?
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It's called I WANT MY WIFE BACK and it's just a few lines down from this thread.
You've got to understand that your husband is wayward. There's a whole line of thinking that goes along with wayward and it's not pretty.
It's all about how special they are and how they deserve happiness and how much their partners suck. I know because I did it.
Your husband is gone for now so trying to reach him is going to bring pain. He's a fogged out wayward who thinks he's so special you'll take him back in a flash if he squeezes out a few tears. He has A LOT of work to do.
Kiss's wife kept breaking plan b and trying to reach the man she married. She kept trying to get through his fog and couldn't do it. She's exhausted now and there's been little to no progress.
Take heed girl and get back to plan b.
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He said that I'm not going to get anything else. He said he would think about it and try, but he has told me everything that he can possibly think of....He said he could try, but he didn't know what trying was going to do at this point, because he has already wracked his brain at this point and there isn't anything else. Dear Starfish: My H said EXACTLY the same thing. Add to this, "I'm not going to lie just to make you happy." (Wait for this line from your husband). My H repeated these lines from August of 2006 to September of 2010. What I thought I knew was only the tip of an iceberg. I still believe he had sex with OW #2, and he still denies it. I still don't have an answer BECAUSE I DIDN'T GET A POLYGRAPH. Listen to unwritten and me. We've been there. You DON'T want to be where we've been/are. BV
Me - WW/BW - 49
Him - CGIR - WH/BH 49
Married 27 years, together 33 (HS sweethearts)
No kids
DDay #1 - 1989 EA co-worker
DDay #2 - 2004 internet porn
DDay #3 - July 2006 EA different co-worker
DDay #4 - Aug. 2006 EA with OW #2 was actually a PA
DDay #5 - Sept. 2010 False recovery - H dishonest about both affairs and porn usage
DDay# 6 - Sept. 26, 2010 - Full disclosure - 1989 EA was actually a PA and lasted one year. 2006 PA more extensive than originally thought. 1992 ONS with prostitute.
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He said that I'm not going to get anything else. He said he would think about it and try, but he has told me everything that he can possibly think of....He said he could try, but he didn't know what trying was going to do at this point, because he has already wracked his brain at this point and there isn't anything else. Dear Starfish: My H said EXACTLY the same thing. Add to this, "I'm not going to lie just to make you happy." (Wait for this line from your husband). My H repeated these lines from August of 2006 to September of 2010. What I thought I knew was only the tip of an iceberg. I still believe he had sex with OW #2, and he still denies it. I still don't have an answer BECAUSE I DIDN'T GET A POLYGRAPH. Listen to unwritten and me. We've been there. You DON'T want to be where we've been/are. BV He has already told me that he's not just going to make stuff up!
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He has already told me that he's not just going to make stuff up! Get ready for the "When is it ever going to be enough?!?! I poured out my soul to you and you still think there is more..." I kept pushing for the poly, and guess what? There was more. Lots more. Stay strong.
Me: BH
XW: Promises83
DS5
Married 10 years, first for both of us
D-Day: 27 Oct 11 trickle truth-ed until all 8 OMs were discovered
D Final: 16 Aug 2013
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The EA with OW#1 was enough for him to betray his vows. I am leaning towards it actually being an EA with OW#1 You reveal some of your BS fog right in the beginning of your "I have broken Plan B" post. EA? I believe you have agreed that it makes NO SENSE that he could have had a long term EA with OW1 with opportunity for a PA, given his strong emotional attachment to this woman vs OW2. In addition, Dr Harley explains that once some ENs are met outside of marriage (intimate conversation) it is just a matter of time before the other ENs will follow (SF). Here: If enough Love Bank deposits are made to trigger romantic love, then our instincts to meet the intimate emotional needs of affection and sexual fulfillment become almost irresistible. Your wife has said that her affair was just emotional, but you can be sure that if you had not discovered it and she had not put an end to it, it would have become sexual as well. What we see here on the forums every day is right in line with that - most of the EAs escalate to a PA w/n a very short time. A six year EA where they have stolen off together secretly such as on the boat? Come on, SF! You know he is lying about this but you have allowed foggy thinking to creep in to rationalize your actions.
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starfish. Your WH gave you all the details of OW#2 because she is out of the picture. It was a distraction to keep you from requiring him to be completely honest aboutOW #1. Because OW#1 is who is important to him.
Your WH is still protecting OW#1 and his relationship with her. This is more important to him than your own needs. Think about that. Exactly! Why would he continue to lie about OW1? Because she is still in the picture, SF. That's why...
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Wish I could get the truth from OW#1. I found out after I talked to her about their exchange of ILY's. She doesn't know that I know this...
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