Hope you have fun!

I have fallen into the trap of accepting Facebook requests from work colleagues... it started with a female and once I accepted her it has spread. Some of them I get along well with. A few months ago I got a FB request from one of these colleagues husband's that I have been out with for work functions with. He is also my boss' son. I succumbed to pressure and accepted. I suspect he knows of my sitch as I have told my boss and also my boss' wife (I have known them for years) at a function that this man was sitting across from me for.

He has now messaged me... "hi". Fishing? Seriously? I felt rude ignoring it so told him to say hi to his wife for me (she is on leave). I hope he takes the hint.


I can't believe it... my colleague is such a lovely woman.

Or am I reading too much into this... I am so suspicious nowdays!

No you're not. People don't do that sort of thing for no reason.

I had a similar situation and as soon as I gave a similar broad hint about his wife, he unfriended me!

Shame he didn't give me something in writing which I could have sent to his wife.

But at least he saved me the job of unfriending him!

No your not reading to much into it. He is a married man looking for attention from other women.

Tell his wife..If he had anything to say to you, he should have sent it through her.

FB is rife with this stuff

Still, it has made me learn more about boundaries. Always a good thing. I can't believe just how many people out there have such poor boundaries...

The guy has responded to my comment, however I figure I can now "politely" ignore him...

Well, I've gotten myself into a pickle again.

The enabling SIL responded to my exposure email (which included FB evidence of affair) recently. She said the evidence was contrary to everything Gollum has said, so clearly the family originally bought into his "I met Horse Ho after I split with Caracal, and Caracal is just a jealous mad woman". She also mentioned "for what it worth, I'm sorry".

I then told her waaaay too many details about Gollum's behaviour whilst in Aus. Including our SF, and his later blaming his sisters for SF with me (yep, fogbabble at its finest) and the amount of dishonesty that has since become apparent.

I know, in Plan B I should not have done this, I am getting the plans all back to front because of my re-exposure. I am just so tired of all of his family thinking he has treated me respectfully and Horse Ho is the romance of the century. And despite Plan B, I still feel sad that Gollum has become who he has. I know this SIL is enabling because of ignorance. I don't think she is doing him any favours.

I have not had a response from her. But clearly she has contacted Gollum. Gollum has now contacted my IM saying I should never contact his family again. And he has emailed my parents, requesting the bed (a gift from his now deceased parents) and a family heirloom. He says he will have "someone" contact them to arrange collection. It was not the right day for my poor mother to read this (a relative's birthday who recently passed away) and she is furious with Gollum's entitlement when he has stalled me on the car funds and said he will get a solicitor (I am yet to receive a solicitor letter).

So Plan B is again broken. My parents are asking what to say when Gollum has someone contact on his behalf to arrange collection. I am inclined for them to advise him to put everything through a solicitor (which will require mediation, arghh!)but am unsure if this is right given it is an heirloom and gift? The thing is, that bed is being used, and my parents will have to buy another as replacement so some advance notice would be useful (and they have been storing these items for Gollum for 10+years). I also don't think it is right that Gollum is involving another poor soul in this mess who is undoubtedly going to feel awkward with how things have turned out. My mother always wanted to have a showdown with Gollum and wanted him to have to turn up himself to sort it out.

Any advice for how to proceed? I feel awful using these items as a bartering tool for funds Gollum has withheld, but think it makes more sense to divvy everything up in one go... What exactly should my parents say?

And I am soooo ready to go totally dark again. Reading this back, I know this.

Why do you care WHAT his family think? Really, it is none of your concern.

If recovery were to happen, you can figure out then which family members are supportive and who needs to be ousted.

If and when you are done and D'd , then they won't be your family any more so who cares if they decide to believe the world is flat? Not your problem.

You know what I'm going to say: Go dark!

Let your IM do the talking and if gollum wants any possessions he's going to need to go through a lawyer.

In Plan B you do not consider the waywards interests, rights or feelings.

Consider you and you only. Get back to that.

Oh I so needed that. Thanks Indie. Read this last night and reigned myself back in. I have been too worried about hurting Gollum and his family's feelings over sentimental items, believe it or not!!!

This morning I asked my parents to have absolutely no contact with Gollum. I advised my IM to tell Gollum that I was aware of his request from my parents. I know this is a break in Plan B as Gollum will realise my parents have passed this on, however I felt it needed to be said as many months ago the arrangement was for him to contact my parents for his belongings. IM will let Gollum know all settlement now needs to go through solicitors.

This may cost me financially, but at least it isn't dragging me and everyone else into the drama. I am sighing with relief.

Oddly enough, a colleague asked me if I had dropped a rubber band at work today. I hadn't, but I said I'd have it anyway and have been snapping it on my wrist whenever a thought of Gollum pops up... all signs point to Plan B!

While this sounds very silly to someone in a dark Plan B, I get it. Plan C is massively confusing. If you are exposed to the wayward's thoughts and feelings, you will think about his thoughts and feelings and then this quite naturally leads to considering them.

You didn't even need to know that he wants those items. Just tell your IM to set things up so she only contacts you about temporary bill arrangements during the separation and about meeting the terms of your letter.

Get the IM to tell him to stop contacting your family members as they will not read anything he sends them etc.

The IM could tell him that any permanent division of assests and permanaent financial arrangements will be handled by lawyers. Actually, as an IM I wouldnt even tell him he needs to get a lawyer. He's a big boy and can figure it out. I'd just say 'I'm only dealing with temporary financial arrangements in the run up to the divorce as per Caracal's instructions'.

This sounds like a double standard because you contacted him about the sale of the car, right? Well it is a double standard. Plan B is set up to protect the BS so she only hears certain things, but the WS hasnt got the sense to protect himself and has to put up with any requests that come his way from the IM. That's just how it is.

Really, who does he think he is? Does he not realise that all his belongings became yours on marriage, and that as your wife you still have a right to them.

He can't decide himself unmarried and go about dividing property in the way he likes best. That isn't the law.

If he wanted an amicable divorce where you considered his feelings and was a good pal who gave up her right to his family heirlooms, he shouldnt have subjected you to a horrific betrayal, abandonment and an OC.

He's made his bed to lie in and it isnt the nice heirloom one he really wants.

Vent over!

So, these are still affects felt from exposure during Plan B. Now, you've told everyone who needed to be told(get those thoughts out of your head, there is no one else who you need to tell). Now, you need to get yourself dark again.

You need to do it for you. The continued breaks in Plan B actually increase your risk that you will dump PB altogether and you don't want to do that.

Thanks again Indie. I am learning a lot about myself through this, and part of this is that I doubt myself too much. I WAS questioning me being selfish and what others would think because I was witholding sentimental items. I realise I am thinking too much of HIS desires, and not my own. There are also personal effects that I want, but have not requested given he is not even in the country.

Your "vent" reassured me that I am within my rights to act as I now am. I can now see Gollum is just pi$$ed off that I cottoned on to his A, because up until that point he was going to have the amicable divorce. His actions now are a direct reaction to exposure. His problem, not mine. No more Plan C. I am DARK.

Why do I feel like Mama Bear knows best?

Strangely enough Scotty, I feel peace that I HAVE told everyone that needs to be told. I can never advocate enough that when other BS's do exposure, do it WELL. In my sitch I had such little information I couldn't expose at all on OW's side, and hesitated on exposure on Gollum's side given the little evidence I had. I somehow felt I had let H down by not doing the best I could to rid him of Gollum. Now I have overexposed at a late date, I realise I may appear vengeful and deluded. I don't really care what others think. I feel satisfaction in doing the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time I had it. I NOW feel (whereas previously always doubted) that I have done my best by H by telling the truth.

I also now feel that the A is doomed. I doubt I'll be around to see it, as I value Plan B too much now to want to know.


Exactly. I have been tempted to break Plan B with the contact from Gollum to my parents and even IM. I actually read the email to my parents. I don't know this man, and don't want to. His sense of entitlement is HUGE. My LB$ remains high, but I know continued contact with Gollum would empty it. Initially in Plan B I longed for this. Now I see that whilst I would no longer have any love left for the H I had, it would also just damage me further.

I at least now know who OW is, and that the A was taking place whilst Gollum was in Aus and I was Plan A'ing. This strangely gives me a lot of comfort.

I have as many answers as I am going to get.

Its time for me to continue healing.

As for Plan B...

Went out for a girly day. Beautician. Looong lunch with my mother. And bought myself the cutest pendant... an antique coin set in silver. LOVE IT. Need to go shopping for a chain now...

Gollum attempted to contact me twice on the weekend by email. I deleted both emails, its getting much easier. But I admit just seeing an email from him in my inbox makes me spend too much time wondering what he has written. And he is managing to get limited messages through just by the email titles.

I know I should change my email addy. It just pi$$es me off though. Meanwhile, I am flicking the rubber band on my wrist too much, but as the week passes less and less.

I am pleased that enabling SIL contacted me today. She has chosen to not mention the very revealing email I sent her, and I'm okay with that. The fact that she wants to continue our relationship suggests she hasn't cast me as a woman scorned, and the tone of her email suggests respect. It will be interesting to see if our relationship continues. The black sheep SIL is also contacting me wanting to arrange a lunch date.

I plan to start contacting solicitors this week regarding property settlement. Not so much fun, but it needs to be done.

I have a friend's b'day dinner and suprise b'day gift from her H this weekend which will be great. And I booked my China holiday with my mother for my b'day, hurray!!! Also got a girly spa weekend coming up.

I think every day about how lucky I am to have the people I do in my life. Here is a very weird thought, but there is a positive side to Gollum's adultery; I appreciate who has stood by me more than ever.

My next target is to start getting a better life plan for myself. Right now things have been very much day to day. I intend to start thinking longer-term. I have work lined up to the end of the financial year, and hope once this clicks over I can find a better job. Although I also am considering throwing this in and going abroad to teach English... choices, choices.

So, when are you going to change your email addy?

I like your Plan B treats very much, that's excellent work.

The biggest treat of all though would be changing your email YESTERDAY. You don't need that.

Today, although I am VERY reluctant.

Part of me is resistant because I have sent out job apps and joined recruitment agencies, and it is just going to be a right royal pain.

And another guilty part of me knows that this resistance is because I have difficulty severing the last tie with Gollum other than IM. I thought I should come clean with that so other Plan B'ers recognise it in themselves too.

I am worried that some well-meaning soul will let Gollum know the new addy, and that would defeat the entire purpose of my efforts! Or I run the risk of Gollum seeing my email addy in a forward from mutual friends.

Can I ask people not to pass my addy on to him?

Entirely natural and the whole reason why you will feel better when youve done it. Rip the bandaid quick.





I would insist! Only give it to people you trust.

But what mutual frends do you have who are still in contact with him? Surely they cant be if they dont support the A?