OK that I just wrote that SAME thing to SQ before reading this, the whole "I've always had male friends..." Just trying to be honest and talk out loud the things that are hard for me to give up. Its not a sexual thing just a personality thing (not that there is anything wrong with women's personalities, I'm just kindof a tomboy I guess). Since you don't know me other than these boards that will just sound like wayward fog talk though. Nothing more I can really say about it.

Not really sure where I'm having the tantrum.

YOU TOTALLY GOT ME!!! I haven't done housework ALL DAY I've been on this forum. And ran a kid to the Dr and preschool of course but...I digress.

I can relate ANYthing to dog training so, say no more my friend. I shall be baking up some liver treats first thing. Oh yes I DO bake and cook very well thank you, if I can just find my countertop amongst the roaches...JUST KIDDING!!!

Wow, my STBX is exactly like you just a man. He has always gotten along very well with women moreso than with men and had maintained many friendly relationships especially with the women he worked with as he was a nurse. He had a VERY difficult time understanding how black/white this issue was and, yes, he also strayed several times.

SMB (an amazing poster who is HPB's wife) wrote something to my H about EPs that I was luckily able to find by googling the word cornerstone. I thought this may help you understand...

SQ, I have NEVER had my LB closed to other men. Never. I realize that now and how dangerous that has been.

UW, unless you cut off OM friendships you are doomed to fail. Most men will use women like you to meet SF, and that is one of your top needs, and they get there with IC first. Stop the train wreck before it happens!

IP, I understand. But lets not make men seem like the perpetrator and woman like the victim here, it goes two ways. Ie women can use men to meet SF, and men can be duped. And when either is married they are all equally wayward.

Got off on a tangent and didn't respond to this educational post. Post nuptial, well I've never heard of such a thing! This is brilliant and something I may just look into.

One of my main triggers for my husbands ONS is his wedding ring. I just wonder where its been. Sad to say I despise his wedding ring, makes me ill to look at it or be touched with it. I contemplated making him take it off but then I would have a WH running around with no wedding ring on, so that didn't seem like a viable option.

I had an issue with the wedding ring too. I wanted to puke every time I saw it. Needless to say I got her a new one. Not as a reward, but as a new beginning.

I would love to renew vows and get new wedding rings ... someday. Someday if we manage to work through this mess and actually have a marriage. Definitely not now, no where near ready for that yet. Just want the current one GONE. (I have secretly hatched many plans for its untimely death...)

Maybe get some cheap ones from walmart in the interim. I didn't wear mine for a long time, I think just to keep her on her toes. Don't know, I also said I didn't see the point of wearing it that my marriage was an illusion for the past three years.

Dr. Harley doesn't equate meeting the need for DS as, "it's the SAHM's job to get'r done" cause she's the closest to the broom. That's almost laughable if it weren't so insulting.

Many family's do hire part-time domestic employees to fill this need for both spouses.

Sometimes DS is in the top five for BOTH spouses, and just because one of the spouses happen to be a SAHM or SAHD doesn't make it their "job"....

My wife IS a SAHM and she has the options to tackle most of the cleaning along with our kids help or I'm more than happy to pay someone to come in and do the jobs for us.... She's not my slave, she's my wife. It's my role to meet her FS need and that includes the funds necessary to pay for a domestic employee when necessary.

You see, my wife's need for Family Commitment trumps my need for domestic support. FC is her number one need and when she spends all her time cleaning instead of raising and teaching our children, it makes her very grumpy. When she's grumpy, my number one needs of SF and Admiration are not enthusiastically met..... And her need for DS is the same as my need for DS, so we must find creative ways, that we are both enthusiastic about, that fill this need for each other..... and it ain't who's closest to the broom.

Getting a new 'cheap' one to replace the old one now is a good idea, an interim one. Did you have any feelings of sadness about that though? I am torn by the fact it disgusts me, but it also represents the day we were married and the vows we said to each other and the reason I am still here, and throwing that away seems wrong. But, it did touch OW so.... But I did put that ring on his finger, it came from me when I made him my husband. See, I am torn. I have this thing too about wanting to change/avoid things that have to do with OW but also not wanting OW to continue to impact our life. Like I want to get rid of the ring, but then OW takes one more thing from me, the memory of putting a wedding ring on my H's finger.

HPB thank you again for your glorious defense of your beautiful SAHM wife and SAHM's everywhere! The expectations of SAHM's by society is quite remarkable, I fell victim to it as a new SAHM and wanted to be the perfect June Cleaver! Only a new age one who also was heavily involved in volunteer organizations, had some personal hobbies, etc. Yep. Didn't go so well, perfection seemed far from my reach and coupled with a poor marriage left me feeling like a complete and utter failure in life. Which is exactly what I was defending in one of my previous posts, not that I should use 'I just suck at this' as my excuse for not working hard to meet my H's need for domestic support, but that I was not going to allow the fact that organization is not my gift to make me feel bad about myself. Been there done that. I have MANY gifts to thank God for but being a great housekeeper is not one of them. But, I do strive to find new ways to keep myself organized and on task. Honestly this whole thing about DS is a new understanding for me, I always thought it meant PERFECTION at home, perfectly clean home, laundry always done, etc. and I kindof gave up in that impossible task. But my H has recently explained to me the feeling he wants to get from our home, and I have some ideas to make it feel that way without being perfect. So perhaps I just have a new understanding of what he really needs.

Here is what we did. Her ring was expensive, a 1 ct diamond solitaire set in yellow gold, so getting rid of it would have been throwing away six grand. I'm military and on a budget so pawning it wasn't an option, but we went on a cruise for our anniversary and we saw a setting we both liked, walked out of the store and talked about it. I went in and told them to reset my wife's stone in that other band that was white gold. The rest is history. I think that day I made up my mind subconsciously to "go all in on recovery.". My wife cries when she thinks about that day and she says her new/old ring holds more meaning than the engagement ring.

Just food for thought

So let me ask you this, since the topic of my thread is about resentment. Do you ever get resentful about MONEY? H was not, to my knowledge, ever involved in a long term A that required him to spend any money on his AP, so I don't have that to deal with like others do. But even just the money we are spending on MC, MB programs, and now maybe even new wedding rings...which like I said pales in comparison to others who have had to leave profitable jobs, pay for extra residences, and deal with WS's who took WP's on fancy vacations, out for dinners, bought them gifts, etc. I cannot IMAGINE the resentment there, when I am resentful just for the money we are having to put into recovery. We had many yrs in our marriage where we struggled financially as H built his career. I always thought I will support him and sacrifice and eventually we will be in a better financial position and life will be better. Now here we are and we are having to dish out our FUN money to MC's and recovery work. Frustrating.

Excellent Radio clips from Dr. H on Resentment

Radio Clip #1

Radio Clip #2

This is one of the flaws with our expectations regarding maintenance costs.

When we buy a home we expect maintenance costs, new roofs, siding/paint, windows, furnace, doors, flooring, carpet, etc.... We dream, save, plan and build....

Why we don't have the same expectations with our marriages and families is beyond me! We expect to say "I DO" and it then takes care of itself, no maintenance required, right! And it's no wonder marriages flounder around as a result of this!

Have you ever seen a house on the side of the road that has not been updated for several decades? It's typically the one that looks like it's going to collapse..... Well that's what happens with our marriages when we just freeload, when we don't dream, save, plan and build it up.


Dr. Harley explains it as a "Renters" position when we do the least amount necessary to maintain it. Verses a "Buyers" position when we KNOW maintenance must occur and we dream, save, plan and build..... And love every minute of it!

Oh I am fine with maintenance costs, which to me would mean money for babysitters, date nights, dinners, recreational activities, trips together, gifts for each other, ...anything we would spend money on that would serve to meet each others needs. It is the money spent on NEW wedding rings when our first set should be cherished possessions, things that are in relation to adultery, that bother me.

I understand!

Here's an older thread that might give you some food for thought....
Link to thread HERE


FWIW, my wife still cherishes her wedding ring..... Each couple decides what's best for their marriage regarding these triggers!

I'm trying to understand where you are coming from and where you want to go with this line of questioning.

Getting new wedding rings to "expunge" the imaginings of where they had been during WH's affairs would be mostly your preference, right? (More on this below.) But if it would be done at your behest, to provide you comfort, how can you rationally RESENT the expenditure? If you would resent it, don't urge spending it.

Uhhh, there are other parts of your husband's possessions that also accompanied him on his trips to Skank-town. Clothing, vehicles, other jewelry, (and certain body-parts which shall be unnamed here). Would you envision formulating plans/demands to expunge those?