...I've stared at your first question a half hour...

And I've though about the wording of this about the same length of time.

I needed a place where I could talk about what was going on without the immediate response of "he cheated, you divorce him, end of story" which is all I get from those in my life. Perhaps let me know when I'm doing something that's obviously going to make things worse. And honestly tell me from their own experiences...if the situation is hopeless and cutting my losses is a better path than trying to save my marriage.

Not a bad summary of what you're going to get here. Progressively, Step 1 is Kill the Affair. Step 2 is Plan A, which tries to lure the WS back home. Step 3 is Plan B, which is cutting off all contact (commenced resulting from failure of either Step 1 or Step 2). Finally, dissolution, or Plan D(ivorce) is implemented.

I would doubt that WH's affair(s) are terminated; I would guess you believe that as well. The main way to kill affairs is complete exposure of the affair to the WH's universe of family and friends, usually requiring fairly accurate knowledge of the identity of the AP. (It seems your WH's ongoing AP is the harlot known as "No Responsibility". As destructive as she is to a marriage, she makes a lousy target for exposure.) Plan A therefore being impractical, I would suggest you should prepare for Plan B immediately.

Northwood, Strangely, I find the phrase "old/current marriage dead" comforting? Knowing that the only options are a new relationship or divorce sort of allows me to accept the massiveness of the situation better.

I think at this point, Plan B will be easier for me to deal with. I am in no position to control my emotions enough to make anything more than a weak attempt at Plan A. Is it possible/wise to do Plan B for a month to 6 weeks and then consider attempting Plan B once I've been put on anti-depressants and they've kicked in? Or is Plan B something I need to stick with completely once it's begun?

I will definitely attempt to put a lot more effort into my other relationships. I've been neglecting them while dealing with the drama of the last couple years and it's definitely my fault they aren't what they used to be.

I'm due 9/9, but will deliver a week or so earlier than that.

NeverGuessed, At this point, I'm certain the affairs are still ongoing. He swears he doesn't talk to any of them anymore, but he swears a lot of things. When I made him leave, he changed all his passwords so I haven't been able to make sure. I am still able to check his phone VM remotely (which really is less than effective since he only really texts and FB messages), but that's it. I have a keylogger installed on his laptop, but that's at his friend's house where he's been staying and isn't one of the nicer ones that emails you the results.

I'm really not sure how I could expose further. No Responsibility aside, there were numerous women, some PA, some EA, some new enough that I'm sure the women didn't even realize his end game yet, which makes it difficult to know who else to contact and with what information.

With this being the case, along with my lack of emotional control, I agree that Plan B seems like my only option.

Decided to continue with Plan A until I get my Plan B in place. In order to put less pressure on myself (and getting lots of hints from other threads on this board) I've decided to make Plan A last no longer than 1 month (even if I still haven't been able to get everything in place for Plan B) and to make it into a kind of game so instead of being hurt when I don't get a good response to my efforts, I can sort of laugh at myself or him. It's only been a day, but I feel better about it and WH has been strangely receptive to most of my admiration and SF flirty-ness. Either way, I didn't fall into the trap of fighting over money as he attempted, and my seeming understanding of his situation (that is selfish and totally his own fault) resulted in his dropping off the entire promised amount today. Knowing that not only can I go to Plan B, but having a definite date that this specific crazy will end is helping, I think.

I've been thinking more about Exposure. I messaged his mom/dad and got a supportive response. 3 of my remaining close friends were told, as well as WH's one friend (who was more out of wanting to blame him for his delight in playing wingman for my husband). I realize now that I haven't exposed far enough and my WH isn't feeling pressured by anyone to grow up and be a man. I need to expose to his brothers, extended family, and all other friends. My mistake was excluding our few "couple" friends as I have since learned that he's been telling them it is a mutual breakup and they feel bad for him as opposed to shocked at how he could chose partying and skanks over his pregnant wife and daughters.

I think I avoided exposing wide enough out of embarrassment. As if not telling people would somehow make it less real, make it like my husband hadn't done these things.

My question: If there a template on the boards somewhere for exposing multiple OW? I'm trying to write this in a way that doesn't sound crazy, but points out by name those I know he slept with, those I know he at least dated in some manner, those he had known inappropriate conversations with and those he's been in way too much contact with for anything considered appropriate. Being that his brothers and friends actually know some of these women, I want to ensure calling them out by name.

I should also mention that the bars and not coming home, right? Since the major problem is irresponsibility? Or maybe that he's close to losing his job? Or none of this and stick to just the women?

I should ensure they know I'm pregnant, right? I'm pretty sure he's been keeping that secret from anyone I don't regularly talk to.

I know to say I love him and want to fix things but can't while he's carrying on with these other women. But should I also add that I can't do that unless they (the family, friends) make it clear they don't condone the behavior and I'm sure that they won't appreciate knowing that many of them have been used as cover or excuses for his being gone at all hours of the day and night?

It's supposed to be short and to the point, but I can't seem to convey everything I think needs to be added in a length anyone will read fully.

From my posts, you've surely noticed I have a tendency to go on and on and on.

Jen, post what you've got and let others edit it for you.

(((Jen)))

These should work.
Exposure Letter Samples

Facebook Exposure Letters

That's ok, but keep it to two or three paragraphs to avoid any eyes glazing over. I do like your idea of listing each and every known OW by name.

As Letty suggested, post it here and we can help you out if you like.

While working on my Exposure letter, my WH texted to let me know he may need to borrow money for gas next week since he gave me most of his paycheck to cover the kids school. Borrow from me, the stay at home mom with no income or savings.

Seems he never changed his bank password. I found that he received more than twice as much pay this week than he claimed. That he has hundreds of dollars left after giving me money (that I'm sure he's planning on using to drink at the UFC fight he's going to this weekend with his crappy friends). I also found that while he's been swearing he hasn't gone out to the bar in weeks, that he spent over $150 at one bar this past Sunday and there was a charge at another bar from Friday - both within spitting distance of where I live.

Should I confront him that I know he's been lying to me about money and bars? And most likely women as well? I'm sure this isn't Plan A, but should I really let him continue to believe that he can lie to me and attempt to take advantage of me financially with his sob stories?

Still going forward with the exposure, but not sure what to do with this new information. It's a wonder I haven't already attacked him with it.

Get a lawyer and file emergency custody and alimony. Have the bank accounts frozen.

Protect your kids and yourself ASAP!!!

Ditto!!

I can't afford a lawyer. I have absolutely no income except for the 232/week. I have no savings, no credit, no assets. The state legal services department have told me that I do not qualify for free or low cost legal services given the amount of money my husband makes (since we aren't divorced). The bank account that he gets his paycheck deposited into is in his name only.

I don't mean for these to be excuses, but I honestly don't know how to get help in my situation.

Many lawyer have either a free or a very low cost consult fee. Find the best and toughest one you can find then call and ask for how much a consult is. Many only charge you the bigger $$ once you retain them. But this can get the ball rolling.

Do it yourself, though you will have to spend time nutting it out yourself. Or will a lawyer take you w/husbands income paying the bill? Do you have any free legal aid in your area?

Is there anyone here who has been a sahm who can give advice? (ThAts an open q to the forum)

Logans_Run, I had a free consult in September of 2010 with a lawyer when I was considering divorce due to the last round of affairs, lies and money withholding. He advised me to file for child support on my own (which I did and is why I at least get the 232/week) and to apply for free legal aid.

Legal aid turned me down, as they take very few divorce cases and said that even if I went to live with my parents, they'd take their incomes into account instead of my husbands because I "do not contribute" to the household. When I said that if I didn't live with either, my children and I would be homeless, the clerk basically inferred that only then would they possibly be able to help me.

Mmm, what about community aid? When I lived in la there was a comm group there .... what were they called? - that was staffed by paralegals who could guide you, though not rep you. Can I ask what state u live in?

Letty, I'm Googling right now trying to figure out how to do that (file on my own) in my state (NJ), but am just not understanding what I find at all. Most information is just telling me to get a lawyer.

I'll definitely check around to see if I can find a lawyer that will require my husband to pay (which would be a perfect answer).

I told Logans_Run above about my experience with Legal Aid.

OK, I shall Google w/u!

Letty, not sure about community aid. I'll Google that too. I did figure that if I even had to file for divorce I would go through Divorce Center, which is basically a group of paralegals that file your paperwork for you and costs 250 up front and another 400 or so at the time the divorce is finalized. They only work out as long as your spouse does not contest the divorce and what you are asking for in the divorce. But knowing my husband, he wouldn't believe he could afford an attorney to fight it and would either sign it or ignore it (meaning either way I would get the divorce and all I asked for in the paperwork).

Mmm, I don't want to pepper you w/stuff that won't help, but this looks like a q&a site. I know it says " divorce" and were not talking divorce, but getting a custody & support order is a legal matter, so maybe they can help? This page is specifically for http://www.womansdivorce.com/divorce-stay-at-home-mom.html

Would it be possible to borrow some money from a family member?