I'm adding an extra note asking for bis brothers/cousins to share this with any family they believe could be influential. I'm also asking his 2 close friends from work to share it with other coworkers because he loves the acceptance the "gang" gives him. And to this one friend he really looks up to, to ask him and his long time girlfriend if they could say anything to him that could make him see how wrong this all is.

I hope in adding this, they will realize I am not asking them to be part of a secret, but to both say something to him and spread the news to anyone I forgot or couldn't find on Facebook.

Okay Jennifer, I'm going to let others address your exposure letter and I want to talk to you about your legal/financial stuff. I just read through your entire thread. Your WH isn't going to do the right thing until he is forced. I'm concerned about your pregnancy and your health. You're about to launch a grenade with your exposure letter so I want you to be prepared for the fallout.

Part of that preparation is to file for divorce. I know that's not what you want, but if you file first, you will have more control over the case. When you file, you need to ask for temporary orders, which will basically stop him from squandering the marital assets. You can always cancel the divorce later if you reconcile. But sweetie, those babies need you to fight for them.

You may be able to fill out the divorce forms yourself and then file a pauper's affidavit to avoid having to pay the filing fee. Do you guys own any property? Have a lot of assets? If not, then your divorce pleading shouldn't be too complicated. Plus, in your state you can file on the grounds of adultery and emotional distress. Don't tell him that you're doing this or even about MB!

I just don't want you to be subjected to much more drama and being prepared legally will help, especially when you go to Plan B. Plan B requires a lot of thought, planning and fortitude. It will be extremely hard but so worth the peace that comes with it.

I have to get to bed now, but please think about these things.

hi jen. that looks good to me, though i may put a paragraph break at � want our marriage to recover from this..." so it stands alone and clear. however, the next bit goes with the preceeding paragraph, so maybe rethink that bit?

"...stamps and welfare, while he hides his actions, using many of you as cover when he is with you."

"i want our marriage to recover from this; i want to stay married, but this behaviour must end..."

what do others think?

princessmeggy, I understand what you're saying about my health, my kids and needing to prepare, but my court date to get the divorce finalized if I go through Divorce Center will be about 8 weeks from the day I fill out the paperwork. I would be prepared to go that route and risk having to make the decision earlier than I feel comfortable with, but I will lose my health insurance the day that day and I have 4 more months to go pus recovery from the surgery. With the short time frame, they do not file for temporary orders either.

If I do find a lawyer that will request my husband pay my legal fees as part of the settlement (which I will begin searching for today), the temporary orders and filing without a set end date will be much more possible for me.

We have no property and no assets. Really, it's just us, the kids, and my husband's paycheck which he spends completely every week. From what the lawyer I saw in 2010 said, adultery will cost me thousands of dollars to prove. Emotional distress may be easier, will have to look into that. I have yet been able to find NJ divorce forms online, but will continue to search for them as well.

I made the change Letty suggested. The letter now looks like this:

Dear friends and family,
I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I. As some of you know, xxxxx and I have recently separated, which has shattered my heart. Numerous affairs, both sexual and emotional on xxxx�s part have led us to the point we are currently at. I was saddened to have discovered that in the past 2 years, he�s had sexual relationships with OW1 in March 2012, OW2 in the summer of 2011, and OW3 in the fall of 2010. He also lead OW4 to believe he was single and dating only her beginning in May of 2010 and is still actively pursuing her. He has also engaged in sexual text messaging with OW5, OW6 and OW7, all of which seemed delighted that I found out. OW7 is still in hourly contact with him. I believe desires this separation is so that he can carry on his affairs without my interference, as he continues to lie about both his involvement with these women to me and his involvement with me to them.

As many of you know, I am currently pregnant with our 3rd daughter together. I am beside myself with grief over the destruction of our family due to his infidelity. My children suffer as he uses their school money to fund his nights spent in bars trying to impress these and other women. He may brag about making over 100K a year, but my children and I have been forced to apply for food stamps and welfare, while he hides his actions, using many of you as cover when he is with them.

I want our marriage to recover from this; I want to stay married, but this behavior must end. If you have any influence on my husband, please do what you can to get him to stop this dangerous activity, which could very well endanger my health and the health of our unborn child.

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade him to end his party lifestyle and try to work on our marriage. Please support him in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards,
Jennifer

Any other change suggestions?

Then you go visit them in person and ask for their help. Be sure to make regular visits so the kids can see their grandparents (if you and the kids are agreeable, of course).

I tried to "red" some of my suggestions, but I think you'll get the idea...

Northwood, that's what I did the first 2 times, and it was more effective. I should have done it again this time, but I guess I was ashamed to make that same visit a 3rd time.

I'll be over in their neighborhood later on today, so I'll stop by and talk to them about what's really been going on. Then immediately send out the Exposure letter because his mother will not keep the info to her self (which is good) and I want everyone to know at the same time.

Very good, hope they are helpful.

I'd edit that letter to "list" the other women. Something about numbering them (see my post above) makes it stand out.

Northwood, great suggestions. I will change it to a list format for the women.

He wasn't delighted. He denied everything. Women who confessed sex to me were liars. He claims the texts were only jokes (as if that would even be acceptable if I were to ever believe such a blatant lie). The text women were the ones who were delighted I found out. Every one of them were purposely cruel to me actually seeming to take pleasure in destroying a marriage (unlike the very repentant women who admitted to sexual relationships with him).

I don't have an actual dollar amount for what was spent in on bars and such in the last month. He usually withdrawals cash for that type of thing, but must have believed I had no way of seeing his bank account anymore, hence the 2 recent charges.

I'm also not quite sure when the text relationships began.

That's ok, just rephrase it to say "Only this weekend, he spent ___ in bars while me and the kids have had to apply for food stamps in order to afford groceries." Something like that.

Then leave it off. I think the point will be made with or without that information.

You're doing great, by the way. He's going to be humiliated when this letter hits, and that's the best thing you can do if this mess is ever going to get turned around.

Have you gone one-by-one in the phone book calling attorneys to see if they can help someone that cannot pay? I'd start with women first--you may get some more sympathetic to your situation.

Ok, made the changes:

Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I. As some of you know, xxxxx and I have recently separated, which has shattered my heart. Numerous affairs, both sexual and emotional on xxxx�s part have led us to the point we are currently at.

I was saddened to discover that, in the past two years, he's been involved with at least seven other women:

1. OW1- sexual relationship in March 2012
2. OW2- sexual relationship in the summer of 2011
3. OW3- sexual relationship in the fall of 2010
4. OW4- relationship beginning in May 2010
5. OW5- texting illicit (sexual) messages
6. OW6- texting illicit (sexual) messages
7. OW7- texting illicit (sexual) messages

Sadly, these are just the women that I have proof of, but due to his lies I believe there may be many more.

I believe he desires this separation so that he can carry on his affairs without my interference, as he continues to lie about both his involvement with these women to me and his involvement with me to them.

As many of you know, I am currently pregnant with our 3rd daughter together. I am beside myself with grief over the destruction of our family due to his infidelity. My children suffer as he uses their school money to fund his nights spent in bars trying to impress these and other women. Only this past weekend, he has spent over $200 in bars furthering his affairs. He may brag about making over 100K a year, but my children and I have been forced to apply for food stamps and welfare, while he hides his actions, using many of you as cover when he is with these women.

I want our marriage to recover from this; I want to stay married, but this behavior must end. If you have any influence on my husband, please do what you can to get him to stop this dangerous activity, which could very well endanger my health and the health of our unborn child.

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade him to end his party lifestyle and try to work on our marriage. Please support him in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards,
Jennifer

Any other thoughts?

Thanks, Northwood. It's been a struggle but I'm feeling pretty empowered by the letter writing process. I'm absolutely sure he would have been mortified by this type of information getting out at the beginning of our marriage, but at this point, after repeated fights with both me and his mother, he seems completely uncaring of what other people think of him anymore. Too many fun single guys patting him on the back for being able to screw around so efficiently I'd imagine.

I never thought to just cold call everyone in the phone book. I have the time and it won't cost me anything, so great suggestion.

I'm adding these as a PS to certain letters. Seem like a good idea?

Family: Please share this letter with any other family members and friends that may be able to help.

Friend (sort of his idol): I know xxxx looks up to you and would really appreciate if you and long time girlfriend could say anything to him that may cause him see how wrong this is.

2 Close Work Friends: Please share this letter with others at work who may be able to make a difference.

One more thing - when sending out the letters, should I also send a note to OW1, his most recent conquest? She's the only one I haven't spoken with and I believe she has no idea he's married.

Yes to adding that to all of the letters.


The above would, then, be redundant if you've asked for it to be shared in all letters.

OW may or may not know that he's married, so I'd be very hesitant to consider her an ally. Consider her your enemy for the time-being.

I'd send her something like this, if you haven't already spoken in person--which I'd suggest:

OW1, I will not put up with you being involved with my husband. You are coming between me, my husband, my kids, our extended families and are going to be in some serious sh*t if you don't stay the hell away from us. Everyone in the family knows about you so don't even BEGIN to believe that your little fling with my husband stands a snowball's chance in hell of going anywhere. You'll never be welcome and will always be seen as the home wrecker that you are. Back the eff off [but spell the eff word].

No reason to be polite to sluts, in my opinion.