And you know what to expect with this, right?

If your husband starts spouting off

1. How could you do this?
2. I was going to work on it but not NOW!
3. If you loved me you ____.
4. It's all your fault!

Don't take the bait and argue with him, he wants you to get defensive about it, as though you did something wrong. You could just point out...

"Well, it sounds like they're upset about your behavior. If they have any questions about your adultery, they are free to give me a call. I already told them that, though." Then disengage and go about your way.

Some of your targets may respond with criticism. They're lost causes, then, but worthy of a response:

"I'm sorry to hear that you support my husband's adultery and won't stand up for me and the kids. Give me a call sometime if you change your mind" [and hang up if this is by phone].

I never thought to consider her my ally, just that I stood no benefit by keeping quiet and allowing her to continue to believe my husband was actually single. As I understand it, she's yet another victim to his friends raving what a good guy he is without any indication of me or the kids sitting at home.

I'd actually considered something more along the lines of "In case you weren't aware when you were having sex with xxxx on March 2nd, he's married. I was at home, pregnant, caring for our 2 daughters while you and he disrespected our marriage, six times I believe it was."

Not forceful enough? I'm sort of not comfortable attacking someone who may have also been completely lied to.

You mentioned a junker car that your WH left. Is it titled in your name only?

You don't know what she knows.

Say she knows, then by attacking she gets the point that you're not one to be messed with.

Say she doesn't know, then by attacking she gets the point that he's married and that you're not one to be messed with.

Either way, you aren't going to be friends with her so torch that freaking bridge.

Thanks for the warning. I've been reading lots of threads on this board and know he's going to immediately verbally attack me as viciously as possible. I figured I'd just respond with "I'm sorry your upset I won't hide your affairs anymore."

Great response for anything those I message may say. I had planned on ignoring it and crying here, but that seems like a good idea. And then crying here.

The car is in my name only

Attacking here scares the hell out of me. Probably because I've had his women threaten and stalk me in the past, even when I came at them as heartbroken as opposed to aggressive. I suppose you're right that I won't gain anything my making her like or pity me though.

...and you have one on loan from your parents, right?

Then if she (or anyone) starts acting like that, you involve the police and start looking at restraining orders. Most like to make a big fuss and accuse you of slander/libel, threatening legal action, but I've never heard of one that actually followed through.

What's she going to do? Call the police and say "Mean old JIL is yelling at me because I'm screwing her husband! Make her stop!" Let her if she's that stupid.

Tell her if she doesn't knock it off you'll have her sorry [censored] dragged into court to give testimony in your divorce hearing about how she broke up your family. That's cribbed from something that MelodyLane posts...she has a better way of phrasing it, but you get the idea.

Yes, I am borrowing my father's truck.

Then...

Mom/Dad, I'm trying to get some money together to hire an attorney to help out with this mess that WH left me with. He's blowing all of our money in bars and I've applied for food stamps. I really appreciate you loaning me your truck and helping me out with groceries and bills, it's been a godsend and I couldn't have made it without you.

You remember that old car that WH left? Would you be opposed to me trying to sell it to get some cash while still borrowing your truck? I'm just out of ideas and trying to get me and the kids in a better position here.

The idea being that you don't want your parents to think you're selling a car for "blow" money while they are helping you out with their own car and money.

Your right. I've had women in the past threaten to involve the police or DHS in the attempts to punish me and try to get my kids taken away. Always put the fear of god in me and I backed off.

I've told them I'd force them to give testimony in the divorce and they've actually stated they would flat out lie or not show up. These are some of the trashiest women I've ever encountered.

As Melody and other vets always stated:

If the AP wants to volunteer to make even MORE public the exposure by involving the police, courts, others...then go ahead and let them. Let them cry to a judge how harsh YOU are being because your fighting for your family while they are engaged in adultery with your spouse...laughable...

Northwood, I was really hopping to get the car fixed (should only cost about $200) so I wouldn't have to use theirs anymore. Selling it as is will only get me a maximum of about $800.

I'm sending the letters. Exciting and terrifying all at the same time.

Good for you, JIL! I promise you won't regret it.

Good luck and God bless!

Jen,

When I was in law school, it had legal clinics staffed by law students who were under the supervision and guidance of a practicing lawyer/staff member. The clinic offered free legal services to those who could afford it. This gave me the idea to do a Yahoo search for law schools in NJ. Seton Hall's law school has a Family Law Clinic!!! Here is the description of what they offer:

The Family Law Clinic provides free legal services to individuals needing representation in a wide variety of family law matters. The caseload may include both contested and uncontested divorces; establishment, modification and enforcement of child and spousal support; custody and visitation cases; international child abduction cases; adoptions; and litigation on behalf of victims of domestic violence. Students may also serve as court-appointed law guardians for children in termination of parental rights cases and custody and visitation cases.

The work includes interviewing, investigation, legal research, motion practice, discovery, negotiation, preparation of lay and expert witnesses, contested and uncontested trials and hearings, oral argument of motions, and the preparation of trial and appellate briefs. Students work under the supervision of the clinical professors, but assume primary responsibility for their assigned cases, including court appearances.

The Rutgers Cambden Campus also has a Child and Family Law Clinic.

To contact either school's clinic, I would just call the law school's main number and asked to be transfered to the Family Law Clinic.

Also, lawyers are encouraged to do pro bono (gratis) work for those who can't afford legal services and some states even require that lawyers have a certain number of pro bono hours a year. Here is a link to various pro bono organizations in NJ. http://www.legalhandle.com/pro-bono-attorneys-New-Jersey.html

Brits_Brat, That is absolutely wonderful information. Thank you so much. Never even heard of a law clinic. It t gives me a great amount of hope. Thanks again.

Ok, so that was just the most bizarre experience of my entire life. My WS did not react at all the way he was supposed to. After first I got a text message asking if I emailed a bunch of people about him cheating. I said yes. He asked why. I said because I'm not hiding your actions anymore. He started calling and texting like crazy, which I had to ignore because I was driving. Things like we need to talk now and There's nothing to hide I haven't done any of that. I responded that I would call him when I was home.

He was waiting for me when I got home. I really expected him to go off on me. Instead, he acted like it was sort of a joke. He didn't care about any of it and just wanted to know why I was lying to people. He actually asked to see my proof, as if I hadn't shown him things for years that he explained away.

He then started talking about how he was on his way over before his brother told him about the message anyway. How he just wanted to hang out. How he wants to spend time with me. I kept returning the conversation to the issues at hand. Why are you here? Why do you lie about it when I already know? I know that I'm fighting for my marriage here, but what are you trying to accomplish by being here?

I told him flat out that while I loved him and didn't want a divorce, I will divorce him if he continues to not care how his actions effect me. I will not stand for female friends, texting and messaging, going out all night with a bunch of single guys who think cheating is funny. If they don't support my marriage, they have no place in my life. Things need to be completely transparent. No accounts I don't have passwords to. No objections to my being able to see every aspect of his life. Married people don't hide things, I've always allowed him to look at everything of mine.

I got a myriad of excuses, but there was no real arguing. A few gems include "Like I told you before, if I'm going to continue to be accused of cheating, I will eventually cheat on you" and "If I want to go out with my friends, you are just going to deal with it." I made it clear that there is no reason to threaten me with things he had already done and that I have no reason to sit at home waiting for him. That if he chooses these friends over me and my marriage, that was absolutely his decision. I just wouldn't be here to come home to.

He can't change his number (that all the women have) because it will be inconvenient for work. Tough. It's something I need.

He'll delete his women friends if I delete my male friends. Absolutely fine with me. He laughed like he thought I wouldn't do it.

He only got loud and angry when I continued to call him on lying about the cheating. Every excuse and denial was met with, "I am absolutely sure you are lying. Lying is what will make me leave forever. The truth is the only thing I'll accept."

He got mad about how I "hear something and automatically believe the worst in him." I named a few women that I have no proof of, only rumors. I said that I am only concerned with what I can prove at this point. If you decide to work on our marriage, rumors won't be an issue with the precautions we would need to take.

He just totally threw me off my guard. By wanting to actually take about it at all. By being friendly. By wanting to hug me, touch me, give me a foot massage. I was ready for anger. Not this.

Held my ground, stayed away from LBs. Allowed him to show his affection without allowing it to cloud my judgement. A few tears were shed, but it was minimal and I always stayed in control of my words.

The conversation ended with his having to go to work. He suggested we continue the conversation through text and calls on his breaks. That gave me a little hope. And then I just got a text message about my chest. Not sure what game he's playing at.