I haven't been able to come up with an IM yet. I considered my longtime friend, but after speaking with her today and the borderline tongue lashing I got for waiting one more second before filing for divorce made me realize that she would never be able to stay personally not involved. I continue to think on it.

Call the legal clinic will be the very first thing I do tomorrow.

I don't even know exactly why the thought of a poly scares me so much. I'd take one, no problem, but I have nothing to hide.

I think I've gotten used to enabling false recovery by allowing pretty words to distort the truth and the idea of a poly, knowing it could reveal ugly truths that I have never even considered before unnerves me.

Totally my weird issue, but I see what you're saying. If we ever even get to the stage where recovery was seemingly in the future, I would have to do it. There really is no other way to be certain this wouldn't be another false recovery with out it.

Just rereading my own response here makes me see how completely my head has been messed with through the years. This should be a no-brainer, not something I have to convince myself to ask for.

I'm working on this right now. I've taken the example list, removed the ones that don't seem to apply to us and replaced most with something more on target for my situation.

I look at it and it just seems so easy. I feel like I'm forgetting something because all of the items so far are easy to do, and I (at least in my mind) can't see how any would be a big sacrifice.

I'm not sure if my standards aren't high enough, or if I'm just looking at the list like someone who has nothing to hide.

Jennifer,

You can make the poly one of your requirements IF he decides to do what it takes and shows repentance. I would stay focused on preparing for Plan B.

Years ago, in a fight about something - a woman, porn, no idea, something sexual is all I remember - he claimed to be a sex addict. Went as far as to call SAA and get info, meeting times, etc. Whether he ever planned on going is questionable, but a few men there started calling, trying to persuade him to come in for his first meeting.

At that point, he recanted, claiming he thought he only had impulse control issues. I'm sure he found this term on the internet. Either way, he used it as an excuse not to go to SAA meetings.

Once or twice in the last few years, I've broached the subject of sexual addiction and he flat out denies having ever admitted it was a possibility. Whether he was lying and saw that I wasn't going to allow a self-diagnosis of SA as an excuse and expected him to get treatment, or he wasn't ready to give it up yet is anyone's guess, but the result is the same.

i would be wary of allowing him to label his behaviour with an excuse, just like "mid life crisis." it will let him off the hook for his own decisions. i am very glad to hear you wouldn't have a bar of it!

For my Plan B, it seems I only really need to find an IM, and write the PBL and addendum. He's already out of the house and gave back the keys. Plus, also helpful, he never had a key to the deadbolt, which I now have a key to and use religiously.

"Addict" is not an excuse and in no way excuses his behaviour. It is an explanation that will allow you to understand what you are dealing with and therefore arm yourself better.

If you don't know how to deal with an addict, but that's what he is, he will keep you dancing in circles forever or until you have a nervous breakdown - whichever comes first. You cannot reason with an addict and you will just lose your mind if you try.

The Harleys will tell you that MB techniques do not work on any sort of genuine addict. A *short* Plan A followed by an airtight Plan B is the only thing that will protect you from their destruction, and the only thing that *might* reach them - but again, Plan B is primarily to protect you and your children from the cruelty of a cheating spouse, especially if they're also an addict of any kind.

That was never going to be an issue. I had an uncle, only about 12 years older than me. He was an alcoholic until it killed him at 40. I saw what his wife and young daughter went through, just as I saw him use it as an excuse to keep drinking, then eventually just hide his drinking and pretend to be all about AA.

My opinion was and remains to be - okay, so your an addict. That's a disease, but not an excuse for behavior. What are you going to do to get better? As far as I'm concerned, a declaration of addiction only means you have more to prove and more people to hold you accountable. It also means you have access to even more people that are in the position to help you.

I think he hoped I would take it as an acceptable excuse and leave him alone. He wasn't around with my uncle, when I watched other family members either accept unacceptable behavior because he was an addict and "couldn't help himself" or use him as a measuring stick against which to feel better about their own drinking. When I expected him to immediately get to a meeting and work hard on recovery, addiction didn't seem like the easy out he thought it would.

Here's some help for your PB letter.
Plan B letter samples
How to Plan B properly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B

Perfect! You got it. You're going to get through this just fine.

How did yesterday evening go?

Not great, but could have been worse. I got about halfway done with my PBL. It's a lot harder to write that I thought it would be.

My WH's claim that would we would continue the conversation while he was at work wasn't true. I got a bunch of texts of an pretty much sexual nature. When I replied that I love our sex life, but would like to make fixing out marriage a priority, I was told that 8 hours previous I had told him I was filing for divorce.

I said that in our previous conversation that I wanted to make my marriage work, but wouldn't allow the situation to continue as it is, and stated what I needed to move past the idea of divorce.

I then said that I am working on saving or marriage and when he was committed to doing the same to let me know.

I was then accused of locking him out of his online banking. And invading his stuff.

I said that I wasn't discussing this. I've made myself clear. I love him, but I will not listen to blame or excuses.

I got an apology, but only because he considered that perhaps he locked himself out. Not ever realizing that my problem is he still thinks he deserves privacy.

He stopped by today to "see the kids." Mostly, he just brought me coffee and spent the time here wanting to hug and touch and act as though everything was fine between us. I allowed it because it seemed like what I was supposed to do - to show him that we are capable of being happy together. But then he left for work and I fear he believes that I'm accepting things as is.

I'm not sure how to keep telling him I need change. That I won't go back to the way things were. After reading other threads I know that we've gone through FR so many times before. He starts acting like the person I married and I stay because I think it's better, but without the EPs it always plays out the same.

I realize I've tried to use a lot of MB techniques in the past without knowing about the program. I've always stated certain EPs for recovery and always accepted his excuses instead of demanding change. It really isn't any wonder why he thinks he can do as he always does and get to keep his family. Just have to stay strong, keep working on Plan B and not just keep accept the little he's willing to give as good enough.

He is onto the next tactic, the sex card.....trying to get you to drop things and cave....dont fall for it either...

You're right. He does expect me to just forget about everything and live the way he wants.

I was just told hat he's not the one who keeps "bringing [censored] up" and that "when I stop going through his stuff and stop demanding he take me everywhere he goes, then maybe he would make some of the changes I've asked for"

Just how dense is he? Does he not realize that all he just said to me was "I need you to forget about what I've done" and "I can't pretend to be faithful if you continue to prove I'm cheating and severely limit my time to cheat"?

So I've just said that the changes are something he should want to do to make me feel safe with him. But, I have his answer.

If he wants this other life so much, why doesn't he just leave me alone? I don't get it. I've exposed him completely. I'm making it harder to live this other life. It's got to be aggravating and he has to know I'm not going to stop until he does the right thing or leaves me alone.

Thing is, he isnt dense.....these tactics have worked before on you right? You are seeing these tactics for what they are, blameshifting, intimidation, and control....all designed to get you to back down and return to the status.quo so he can continue his IB and cake eating.......dont fall for it......

Jennifer, you've been impressing me, girl!

If you're struggling to get a RL intermediary, I'd be happy to be your email-only intermediary.

I had the same problem finding someone neutral and I got an amazing MBer to offer and she's done a great job for me.

Folks on here who have an email IM still need a drop off point for the kids (like grandparents), as you wouldn't be able to see him. But it works pretty well.

Let the mods know if you want to exchange email addresses.

Thank you so much. I will most likely take you up on that. Especially since being a completely nuetral 3rd party familiar with Plan B and IM, I wouldn't have to worry about the IM caving and telling either of us anything extra thinking they were "helping."

May be a dumb question, but how does one contact the mods?

The legal clinics are all in really bad areas I wouldn't feel comfortable walking around alone in, especially pregnant.

But instead of using that as an excuse, as tempting as it was, I have filled out the web intake form for Legal Services New Jersey, who will connect me with a law firm that will help me on a pro bono or low-income basis. I should be hearing from them within 2 business days.

I'll be honest, I didn't want to go this route. Filing for divorce makes it seem so hopeless. But, I've known it was pretty hopeless for years now.

It's been 7 weeks today since I kicked him out. He's still won't admit to any wrong doing. He's still making excuses and won't do a single thing to warrant his returning home. I got on the scale today. I'll be 19 weeks pregnant come Sunday and I've haven't gained any weight. In fact, I've lost over 10 pounds. This just has to stop.

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Noooooo! I think I can promise you that. I really LOVE my dark plan. I dont know what he's up to and your brain cant pivot around an unknown quantity forever. It just makes you move on. Brilliant.



Well, you're a buyer. Buyers get pretty po'd when they cant fix their house, as is their nature.

And you arent really getting a divorce. Youre doing the paperwork necessary for protection. YOu didnt ask your husband for a divorce and you didnt end the marriage. HE did.

You say 'hopeless'. Hmmmm.

I'm pretty scathing when BSs come on here with Plan Hope, as opposed to Plan Action which would make you think I was anti-hope. I'm not. And I wouldnt describe your situation as hopeless, exactly. You've got some grieving and some thinking to do, sure. But you will reach a point where you will see the day you insisted on getting your due and looking after those babies as the best, most POSITVE and hopeful thing you ever did.

Before, when his behaviour was allowed to run you down unchecked, it was hopeless. Now there are all sorts of possibilities. All sorts. It's like Princess Meggy's signature: With a plan, there is hope.