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"Can you really get the feeling of love back after SO many lies and hurt and when the LB$ is so depleted?"
Yes, but only IF your husband makes radical changes. Such as, never being apart over night, affair proofing the marriage and creating a romantic marriage using the MB program. If that doesn't happen, and your H is not 1000% committed to making radical changes, then Plan B is in order. Dr H recommends about 3 to 4 weeks of Plan A.
If you want to recover your marriage, one of the first things would be to fix the traveling problem.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"have been to MANY different ICs through the years and always stopped when I was really on the brink of making Real progress."
That's a funny way to explain the fact that IC never worked. IC does nothing to help marriages.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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BH, no I didn't expose the affair to the military but to everyone else I did. His family, mine and friends. The only OW I know about was the PA, the other two were ONSs, so no way of knowing even their names. The OW had been divorced for about 4 yrs before meeting my WH. I did my homework on her. Basically, I let her have it and did not let up till I felt like it. It's actually kinda funny how the advice to some when going into plan b is to change all means of contact, you could say she finally plan b'd me  Yes, our boys know now. I made WH tell them before he moved out of our bedroom so they would understand why it was happening. I sheltered them from this for so long but it was finally time to tell them. They have talked to me about it some, the only thing that scares me about them knowing is I don't want them to think that a wife could or should be a doormat like I've been.
Me - BS - 39
Husband - WS - 38
Married - 17 yrs
2 sons - 14 & 16 yrs
D-days - 8/2001, 7/2005, 12/2007, 4/2008 *these are the major ones
Separated 7/2010-6/2011 *pretty much false recoveries for 12 yrs
2 ONS's & Brief PA *a lot of online crap through the yrs
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I also listened to the radio link you shared and then a bunch more. I am still not sure what I want out of this but after listening to so many I will be setting up a call with the coaching center as soon as I am able to.
Me - BS - 39
Husband - WS - 38
Married - 17 yrs
2 sons - 14 & 16 yrs
D-days - 8/2001, 7/2005, 12/2007, 4/2008 *these are the major ones
Separated 7/2010-6/2011 *pretty much false recoveries for 12 yrs
2 ONS's & Brief PA *a lot of online crap through the yrs
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ML - thanks for your responses, I do appreciate them.
WH cannot make the radical changes in the travel situation even if he wanted to. I went to the military marriages forum before answering this because I wanted to see if there was anything helpful in there.
There was not.
I do think military marriages have more things against them and I do know of many long happy marriages. My 2 best friends have each been married "to the military" for 18 & 20 years and there have been no As.
The one difference I see in their families is a very, very strong relationship with their respective religions. My WH does not have any feelings either way about that subject and I let my devotion fade through the years (not proud of that fact)
Me - BS - 39
Husband - WS - 38
Married - 17 yrs
2 sons - 14 & 16 yrs
D-days - 8/2001, 7/2005, 12/2007, 4/2008 *these are the major ones
Separated 7/2010-6/2011 *pretty much false recoveries for 12 yrs
2 ONS's & Brief PA *a lot of online crap through the yrs
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I never went to IC to fix my marriage. The reason I would go was it was a place I could vent and talk to someone who was not biased to my situation. My friends all thought I was crazy for staying, my family wants this marriage to work but at the same time would love for me to just leave and move back home. His family is obviously biased towards him, even though they have always acted supportive of me.
What I meant by saying I was on the brink of making real progress was that just when I would start making decisions to put myself first and start to become strong enough to say I deserve better I would quit going to that IC. Not really sure why I did that but I did. The one I am working with now is good for me. He is a retired military chaplain. The one thing he stresses to me is that I have to be ok with either staying or leaving and that's the main thing I have struggled with for years and years.
Me - BS - 39
Husband - WS - 38
Married - 17 yrs
2 sons - 14 & 16 yrs
D-days - 8/2001, 7/2005, 12/2007, 4/2008 *these are the major ones
Separated 7/2010-6/2011 *pretty much false recoveries for 12 yrs
2 ONS's & Brief PA *a lot of online crap through the yrs
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I also listened to the radio link you shared and then a bunch more. I am still not sure what I want out of this but after listening to so many I will be setting up a call with the coaching center as soon as I am able to. That's excellent. Please keep us updated on when you call them. Can you call them today? At least send the email?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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No I can't call them today. Hopefully in a couple of weeks. I did send an email to the radio show.
I am thinking I want to wait till he gets home next weekend to talk to WH first. I don't want to do that over the phone. Every time I bring things up (which has been a long while) I feel like he gets down a little bit. Right now while he's away when he's done with the day stuff he may go grab something to eat with the others there but then he is just sitting in an empty hotel room feeling like crap if I say something now.
Even saying things in a loving way I think will not be good. Since we haven't talked about things in a while it would kind of come out of nowhere for him. And that can't be good when he's stuck there in a room by himself.
I want to talk to him about how I have been feeling like this is just a temporary situation till I finish school and because I don't feel like he's ever been completely honest with me so I still do not trust him at all. I want him to know that because of not having complete truths I can't continue to live this way.
Does any of that even make sense:)?
Me - BS - 39
Husband - WS - 38
Married - 17 yrs
2 sons - 14 & 16 yrs
D-days - 8/2001, 7/2005, 12/2007, 4/2008 *these are the major ones
Separated 7/2010-6/2011 *pretty much false recoveries for 12 yrs
2 ONS's & Brief PA *a lot of online crap through the yrs
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You still have the habit of excuses and explanations. Almost every post. That does not bode well for a MB type of relationship.
You say you are tempted to quit when you are close to making a true choice or change, what is different this time?
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Confusedwife,
You were on MB six years ago and then posted to newbies about listening to what you're told and follow the MB plans. Which was excellent advice to others, by the way.
So why won't you follow MB this time?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Barbie -
Thanks for making me think about it. Right now the best answer I have, is that nothing has changed but following one thread on here just made me wish I had been strong enough before to make the changes to either really help my marriage recover or to be strong enough to leave.
I cannot, financially, leave right now. No way to support myself and kids.
I am posting again to gain some insight on myself and situation and to pretty much figure out if I really want to possibly even try with this man again.
Hope that makes sense.
Me - BS - 39
Husband - WS - 38
Married - 17 yrs
2 sons - 14 & 16 yrs
D-days - 8/2001, 7/2005, 12/2007, 4/2008 *these are the major ones
Separated 7/2010-6/2011 *pretty much false recoveries for 12 yrs
2 ONS's & Brief PA *a lot of online crap through the yrs
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One more thing, I saw this post on another thread and couldn't have said the second paragraph better myself especially the part I changed colors on...... I'm sorry that your WH will not just do the right thing. SOOOO frustrating. Been there, you just want to shake them and hit them over the head with a 2x4 (was that out loud?). I agree with everyone that it has to be someone you know or some other 'bigger' event than what you have already heard, the gf of a good guy friend of his might be a possibility as that would bite him in the hiney with you and his group of friends if that came out. You really know you have 2 choices here 1) trick your mind into believing him so you can carry on until the next shoe drops, then repeat, or 2) go dark Plan B. I am not educated on option 2, but I have a PhD in option 1 and can share with you exactly what a life like that will mean.
Years of wondering, what is he up to? What does this mean? Wondering about things that don't add up, wondering about things that do add up. Asking yourself what's wrong with YOU that he cannot seem to stay faithful. How do YOU compare to those other women he seems to put before you. Losing your self esteem. Crawling into a shell. Feeling sad, and lonely, and empty. Being less of a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend to the people who really DO care for you because you are a broken person. Wallowing around in self pity, asking yourself why your life ended up this way. Getting angry and bitter and resentful, at him, at yourself. At men, at marriage, at the world. Maybe even starting your own relationships because, who cares right? What's good for the goose... Then one day waking up and instead of a couple months having passed, or a year, its been a DECADE, and you are worse off than you were when you decided to accept this. Wondering where your life could have led had you just stood your ground a decade, or two, or three before. That, is the life Option 1 will bring you to.
Me - BS - 39
Husband - WS - 38
Married - 17 yrs
2 sons - 14 & 16 yrs
D-days - 8/2001, 7/2005, 12/2007, 4/2008 *these are the major ones
Separated 7/2010-6/2011 *pretty much false recoveries for 12 yrs
2 ONS's & Brief PA *a lot of online crap through the yrs
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Can't the military help you be financially secure?
You have an excellent resource with the military. Why not use them?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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The bitterness comes from not following a plan. If you follow MB trust me you will be better, a better mother, person, woman, a better you.
MB isn't just for M it's for US.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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They can make sure child support is taken out of his check but that's it. When I went to legal a few years ago I checked on just about everything. We live on post, so obviously I would lose housing and he's not responsible for paying that or my car note. Right now just child support and I could keep health insurance for 6 months or until I got a job with health ins whichever comes first.
Now when he retires that's a different story, I would receive half his retirement because of being married for 10 years. The one thing I didn't know is that if we are married for at least 20 years of his military service then divorce I would be entitled to full benefits (keeping my military id card to enter and shop on post, also get the retirees health insurance)
Me - BS - 39
Husband - WS - 38
Married - 17 yrs
2 sons - 14 & 16 yrs
D-days - 8/2001, 7/2005, 12/2007, 4/2008 *these are the major ones
Separated 7/2010-6/2011 *pretty much false recoveries for 12 yrs
2 ONS's & Brief PA *a lot of online crap through the yrs
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I see. You have three more years until 20?
So three years to make this a wonderful M?
Have you heard back from the Harleys? If you don't hear from Joyce email again because they have strong spam filters and make sure to have something in your subject line. If you can put your phone number so you can talk with them.
Like I said they have a soft spot for military marriages. You need a plan.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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The bitterness comes from not following a plan. If you follow MB trust me you will be better, a better mother, person, woman, a better you.
MB isn't just for M it's for US. I guess that's the problem I've had all along, is that MB principles have a few "stipulations" that just don't work for a military couple. I am starting to come up with a "at the moment" plan..... 1) talk to WH when he returns and see if he is even willing to do what it takes to make me feel I have the absolute truth once and for all!!!!!! If he's not willing, I guess my plan b would have to be when he deploys??? 2) decide then, if he's willing, if my LB$ is too depleted to try or if this helps add a few deposits and we figure out through the coaching center what our next steps should be. YEA....it sounds like I am starting something here!!
Me - BS - 39
Husband - WS - 38
Married - 17 yrs
2 sons - 14 & 16 yrs
D-days - 8/2001, 7/2005, 12/2007, 4/2008 *these are the major ones
Separated 7/2010-6/2011 *pretty much false recoveries for 12 yrs
2 ONS's & Brief PA *a lot of online crap through the yrs
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Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
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Yes confusedwife, call the coaching center. You can still call for you because they don't talk with you together but seperate anyway.
Can you call today?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Posts: 70
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I see. You have three more years until 20?
So three years to make this a wonderful M?
Have you heard back from the Harleys? If you don't hear from Joyce email again because they have strong spam filters and make sure to have something in your subject line. If you can put your phone number so you can talk with them.
Like I said they have a soft spot for military marriages. You need a plan. Actually, 6 years left till he is able to turn in retirement papers. He just signed a deal to agree to stay till then. No, I haven't heard back yet, I will wait a few more days and see if I do. BTW, I really appreciate your responses and thoughts. It's making me think and that can only be a good thing, right? 
Me - BS - 39
Husband - WS - 38
Married - 17 yrs
2 sons - 14 & 16 yrs
D-days - 8/2001, 7/2005, 12/2007, 4/2008 *these are the major ones
Separated 7/2010-6/2011 *pretty much false recoveries for 12 yrs
2 ONS's & Brief PA *a lot of online crap through the yrs
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Posts: 251
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I guess that's the problem I've had all along, is that MB principles have a few "stipulations" that just don't work for a military couple. What exactly are these "stipulations?" I'm Active Duty Military married to another Active Duty Military member, and the plan has been working like a champ so far. The one thing that got my wife to quit trying to hide was the threat of UCMJ action against her. I gave her an ultimatum: She could either submit to the Poly or I would give the evidence I had to her chain of command. Now I'm not a vet here, so I can't tell you that this is great advice that will work for you in your situation, but I can tell you that it has worked for me so far. If you do decide to go that route, just make sure you are prepared to fire. Don't bluff. That will do much more harm than good. Good luck.
Me: BH
XW: Promises83
DS5
Married 10 years, first for both of us
D-Day: 27 Oct 11 trickle truth-ed until all 8 OMs were discovered
D Final: 16 Aug 2013
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