It's been a month since my husband moved in with the OW. Apparently their relationship had been building for the past several months before that (they are co-workers) and my husband had been feeling really neglected.

Here's where it gets interesting: My husband thought I didn't love him, so he figured that once he told me, I would just kick him to the curb--and he was surprised to find that I will NOT leave him, and he realizes that I DO love him. He thought his decision was cut-and-dried, now it's not so simple.

So now WH is living with the OW. No papers have been filed and she says that he's stringing me along and to file dissolution papers already. She wants him for himself because, so WH says, he's her soulmate (and he thinks that she's his soulmate). He's torn between our 18-year marriage and what he feels for her.

WH knows that he is welcome back. Thing is she keeps him on a leash and doesn't want him to spend "family time" with me and our son (she views me as a threat). She says if he wants to spend time with our son, bring him back to her place (where he's staying). I said I don't want that. She's divorcing her husband and from what I've heard he's rather violent, and I do not want my son in that situation...not to mention I do NOT want the OW around my son!

(I might add that WH "sneaks out" to come see us...on a pretense of going to the store or whatever. I hate that.)

WH says he loves me and misses me and will always love me. He just doesn't know what he wants.

Divorce is not an option for me. I want to make that clear. I just want to know, how do I attract him back? I find it interesting that when he realized that I do love him, he didn't just say "too late, see you later." He says that we might have a future together, and to keep wearing my ring.

KJVR,

Sorry you're here, but this is the best place to be in your circumstances. The vets will be along shortly to give you their advice. It's not going to be what you want to hear, but if you have ANY chance of recovering your marriage, it is a very narrow path that you have to follow. Do what they say.

What's really interesting is he wants to put our wedding video on DVD and put pictures on CD. I have to add that at first he was just going to find a sleeping room on his own...but then the OW entered the picture. Were it not for her we'd be back together now.

He didn't expect me to react the way I did and said I showed a lot of maturity--and that it makes me more attractive to him. I told him that I love him and did not want to just dump him.

My mother says that the OW will get more demanding and less attractive to him.

His sister is firmly on my side. She's been giving me a lot of advice. Another Christian friend listened and said, "He'll be back." I hope so.

Plus the OW has 3 kids with her.

I don't know...I don't want to give up if there's still hope that our marriage can be saved. I've already been implementing changes in my life.

Have you exposed? You need to read the thread titled "Exposure 101." I'll see if I can find it.

I think everyone where he works knows. That kind of place, something like that is just something else to talk about. His parents and sister know. My mother knows.

Exposure 101

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583#Post2566583

But you don't understand (...for the betrayed)

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2559836&page=1


FB Exposure Letter Examples

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=67&page=1

I'm not on Facebook, haven't been for months. (I do know that his relationship status is listed as In a Relationship...but it doesn't say with who.)

My sister-in-law says he needs to realize that what he's doing is wrong (be convicted of it) and that he needs the courage to walk away from the OW. I think he's afraid that should he come back to me he'll think he made a mistake. That's the impression I keep getting. And strange as it sounds, my WH has been giving me "pointers" as to what he wants...such as how he wants to be kissed. (Maybe he wants me to win him back?)

You will get plenty of great advice shortly, but you need to do some reading and get your priorities in order.

Your first order of business is breaking this A up. Your best bet for that is a definitive exposure. Do not assume that people know�be sure that they do. Read the links you�ve been supplied with above and start working on this NOW.

As for Face Book�.get back on there and take care of that angle as well. You need to get this done quickly and all at once. You can�t tell one or two people to build your courage, you do it in one fell swoop and brace yourself.

Listen closely to what other say and heed their advice. Don�t wait.

I have other friends on Facebook...should I have them do this exposure?

My W was on the fence -- scratch that -- I ALLOWED my W to stay on the fence for 3 months becasue I waffled and hesitated with exposure.

Once I exposed, what I waited, hoped, and wished for for 3 months -- an end to the fence sitting -- was accomplished in about 3 hours after I exposed.

Listen to the vets, and read the Exposure 101 thread.

One thing I am afraid of...if the A breaks up, WH will blame me and dump me anyway.

Don't get me wrong, I want them to break up. As far as workplace, I already know they're being talked about there.

KJV, sorry you are here and welcome.

I would be more afraid that he would want to continue this arrangement for years to come, because that is what will happen.

Of course you have become more attractive to him, because he wants you BOTH.

The situation you are currently creating is going to cause you to have a nervous breakdown and some long term emotional effects.

There is a lot that you can do to ensure the best possible chance to recover your marriage. You just need to do the MB plans 100%. First thing you will want to do is expose, and start Plan A while getting ready to enter Plan B.

You are going to want to expose to EVERYONE who has influence over your WH and OW. You will want to do it the way that MelodyLane has outlined in her thread(which another poster has already linked for you). There is also a link in my signature for a thread which will help guide you around this site.

Could you please answer the questions on that thread here on yours?

No, do it yourself. There is plenty of info at the links given about FB exposure. Read and prepare.


Hasn't he basically dumped you by moving in with his skank?

Yes, he's going to blame you and be furious, which means you hit a nerve and struck a huge victory for marriage. His anger will die down with time.

Your current course of waiting to see what happens is going to lead you to divorce more surely than anything. Be proactive and take the advice of others who have been there. Your family may mean well by telling you that he'll get his fill and come back on his own, but what experience are they speaking from?

KJV

Welcome to MB and sorry you are here but glad that you have found this site so you can get the help to recover your marriage.

First of all please take the time to read the basic concepts section (it is on the first page before you accessed the forum) and I am sure someone will also help by posting Dr H's video clip to help you understand these concepts more.

Your WH is living in a fantasy world where he is getting his needs met by two women (we call this cake eating) the most effective way to brake up this fantasy is to expose this A to everyone and enlist their help to influence him to brake up his affair and work on the marriage.

Here is an example of the exposure letter


"Dear family/friends

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I. As some of you know, xxxxx has recently asked me for a separation, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she has been carrying on an affair with a old boyfriend named xxxxx xxxxx who resides in xxxxxx. He is also married and has young children . The purpose of the separation is so that she can carry on her affair without my interference.

She refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my babe, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage."

Once you expose there will be a backlash of anger and tantrums from your WH but this is seen as a good sign because it means that you have hit the target and are well on your way to end this Affair, the anger is short lived and it will not damage your chance to rebuild your marriage.

Many many brave people have taken this step and have seen the rewards and those who didn't are still talking about how much they regret not exposing the A because they find themselves miles away from any chance of recovery.

I'm sure the vets will be here soon to help you more.

The OW's husband already knows about the affair and is pretty mad. In fact he told the OW that when my husband leaves her he'll sit back and laugh.

Have you read the exposure thread yet? Get your exposure targets figured out, and how you will contact them. What about their employer? Is your WH a superior to OW?

No, WH is not superior/inferior.

Just about WH's whole family knows. OW's husband knows (and I think her parents do--but don't seem to be interested in discouraging things).

My SIL has tried to talk a bit of sense into him. Thing is he gets stubborn and she can only convey so much to him at once before he stops listening. She says he thought it had it figured out--but did not anticipate that he would be wrong about how I really felt about him, so now he's conflicted.

Do all of these people 'know' because you told them? If it didn't come from you, it needs to. You have know idea what they have heard or how it was spun if it didn't come directly from you.

There is a difference between people knowing and people being asked to influence help him end his affair.

I also note you said the OW's husband is violent etc but I guarantee that this is not true you probably heard this from your WH who in turn was given this information for the skank, almost every single skank I have heard of on this site sings the same song regarding being abused etc and it's always a lie in order to justify their disgusting behaviour.

DO NOT RELY or assume any information regarding OWs marriage or family unless you hear it directly from the Husband or family. Cheaters LIE, skanks LIE even more.

Trust the experience and wisdom of the people who have bee where you are and helped countless others in the same situation as you not the pople who have a vested interest in making up stories to make themselves look good while behaving badly.

Yeah...and W's 'friends' in work knew -- that did alot of good, eh?

And of course, OM said shhhh...he wouldn't say anyhting to his construction buddies on the job. Riiiiggggghhhhhhtttttt.

Expose the affair, end the affair.