Well there are many unanswered questions. Because it happened almost a decade before I found out about it, and according to WH he was hammered. Both of those things combined mean many many questions were answered with "I don't remember." Which sucks but is logical.

Honestly I think it is more the fact that I didn't feel like he understood the damage, rather than rehashing the details. You say you can see in your wifes eyes that she gets it, is very remorseful, etc. and I have not been blessed with that revelation. That lack of 'getting it' is what has driven me to want to keep bringing it up and beating him with the cheater stick.

OK I often will do that, and just say "I'm having a bad day." But what I WANT to say (and don't, don't everyone jump all over me here...) is "I'm having a bad day because I can't get the thought of you having sex with another woman out of my mind..." in detail. But I don't! But I'm really not talking about that kind of browbeating, I know thats a huge lovebuster and I don't think I've ever done much of that. More the calmly saying "had a flashback just now driving by hotels in A city, wondering which one you and AP were in." WHY? Because I want him to know it still impacts me, I still think about it. I want him to know the damage. And because I am thinking that, and it greatly affects me and I think as my spouse he should know that. And because (NG getting back on the sinking ship here...) why should he, who it was meaningless to, never have to think about it again when I have to think about it all the time??? Not fair. OK I said it, guess thats why this thread is all about getting over resentment. I'm here! And I want to. I'm taking the steps too, just not an overnight process I guess.

But your husband's current behavior doesn't include an affair, does it?

What do you expect from him? What exactly does he need to do or say to make this "all better" for you? And how many times does he need to say it or do it?

I can relate to what you're saying because I was guilty of the same thing at the beginning of our recovery and in fact, that's part of the reason I found MB. Before MB I found other sites that told me to divorce him or to suck it up. None of them had a plan how to come out of this with a better marriage.

At the time, I couldn't let go of the awful thing he did and it was ruining our recovery. I was pushing him away. Why would he want to recover with a wife who was never going to let him forget what he did? Who wants to live like that?

After reading on MB for awhile I finally got it. It was me! My husband was more than willing to do whatever was necessary but I would constantly sabotage things when we made any progress. Heaven forbid that he ever forgot what he did. Oh no, I couldn't have that. He hurt me! He needed to pay! The cycle was nuts.

Once I stopped that nonsense and focused on TODAY, things started really turning around for us. Now I can't remember the last time either one of us mentioned the affair(s) or triggered. We would have never healed had I insisted on talking about the past and I would probably be divorced today. Instead, we're celebrating our 35th this year, surrounded by kids and grandkids and we're more in love (and loving) now than we've ever been.

I agree with meggy.

Also, I think it was HHH who implored me to remember the following:

Present. Future.

That's my focus.

One last thing, and I hope this comes out right becasue the vets describe this better than I can....don't underestimate the personal destruction, guilt, remorse, etc. that the WS feels. If WE think WE feel bad, remember that no matter what we did to contribute to the environment of the marriage, WE can un-do that behavior -- WSs can never un-do what they did.

And they know it.

In response to both PM and HFD, what I am looking for is remorse. My WH, upon disclosure of the last of a long line of trickle truths, although he said he was sorry and understood the damage did not display that through action. Not that I have reason to believe there is any current A's. But that he didn't do anything proactive to try and 'fix' the mess we had.

I have made this analogy before. If someone starts a house on fire, then as its burning says they are sorry they did it, but picks up a magazine and sits down to read while it blazes around then, rather than grab a bucket and start putting the fire out...you tend to believe they really aren't that sorry for starting it in the first place. Thats how my WH has responded to any of his actions. Yes I'm sorry, but...I'm not going to do anything to put the fire out. Just try not to start any more fires. Leaves me feeling like he is less than remorseful and doesn't quite get the fact that the raging fire is going to burn the house down.

What I expect from him PM is REMORSE. I expect him to 'get it' if you know what I mean, understand what he did and what work will need to be done to fix it. I do not expect him to go back to daily life, just forget about it, sweep it under the rug, and pretend that we can just go on status quo. Avoid. Detach. Thats what he has done. Not actively engage in recovery.

My WH was not 'more than willing to do whatever it takes' as it sounds like both of your WS's were. Honestly, for a month or two after finding out about his ONS I was positive, excited that this might be the catalyst after a long marriage of deception, to push us into recovery. If he had committed to recovery then, we would probably never have gone through the last yr and half of resentment brewing. But he didn't. And here I am, trying to start over with or without his enthusiastic water pitching.

I am already starting to put water on the fire, and asking him politely to please pitch in. He is, from his chair, starting to scoop little cupfuls in his Caribou container and pitch it in the general direction of the fire, so its progress. But it took me a long time to get to where I wanted to put water on the fire instead of give him Plan FU and walk out and watch his house burn down around him. Know what I mean?

I guess I'm just venting. I know what it will require from me, I am just saying that it has taken a LONG time for me to be mentally prepared to do that.

Guess I already answered this. Not to beat a dead horse. I don't think all WS's know it. I don't think mine did. Hopefully he does now, guess I am just moving forward regardless.

Also, you are all awesome! I love having support from all of you who have 'been there, done that.' I know I am totally stubborn. I hear what you are all saying, I know I need to LET IT GO. And just focus on today and tomorrow. I know it. Hard to do but I know I must. Sorry for being so stubborn and thank you all for trying to talk me down from the resentment podium:)

Exactly!! However, that doesn't mean that you use your "emotional feelings" as a battering ram to bring up mistakes of the past. You should never bring up the affair again. That helps you in every way, because talking about it brings the unpleasantness of the past into the present. That keeps you AND your husband miserable.

CAn you imagine how it would feel if you made a mistake and had to hear about it every day? Of course that wouldn't be healthy for your marriage.

Talking about it helps NOTHING and no one.

UW -- Not sure if it was posted ... your 10+ years of limping along in an after adultery marriage may take another 2-5 years to fully recover.

This is where your husband must step up to the plate to heal you. Each time you are triggered to have an emotion to the adultery ... write it down ... making sure you are eliminating ALL of them.

Something to consider is your high need for SF ... since this emotional need was given away to a skank by your husband ... that may be why some deep resentment is built there. The goal now is to figure out what your husband can do to give you just compensation here.

This may be a great question for Dr. Harley. Usually you read on here how BH have such a difficult time with the SF due to the WW, but I believe Dr. Harley can shed some great light on what just compensation your WH can do in order to eliminate some of the resentment.

Tough~

It was not posted, thank you. That's a long time.


I'm confused by this, because I have been getting advice all day to get the details, then never discuss the adultery again. Do you mean write it down to share with him? Or write it down for myself? And what are the steps to take to eliminate them?


I agree that there is also a correlation to my high need for SF and some of the resentment. Seems pretty common from what I read in other threads, although generally, like you said, the BH and not the BW. I have heard lots of people say EA's are worse than PA's because there is some form of companionship, vs just sex. Oh no for me PA's are a hundred times worse. I have met H's need for that since the beginning of time. He has not only not met my needs, but has used SF to manipulate me to get his way in the past. Total role reversal. But to know that I was meeting that need VERY well, yet he was not meeting it for me, and then he went out to get it met by some nasty girl who was no where near as attractive as me is a HUGE issue for me. And frankly doesn't even make sense. Get excited about the housekeeper, then, I might understand more.

How can he give me just compensation for this? I have no idea. He hasn't really stepped up to the plate to try in the SF arena. Of course we have had issues since DDay and I have not been as engaged as I normally am, but I have recently changed that and started initiating and engaging daily again. I have, he has not. I am just trying to chalk that up to it being a greater need for me, and the way it will always be. If that is the case how will I get just compensation there?

Write it down for yourself.

Examples ...
i.e. drive by Holiday Inn and become enraged ... try to avoid them
i.e. see roses and become enraged ... make sure to not look in Isle 12 & 13 at store due to flower section.

As time goes on and your husband has worked hard to heal you ... these triggers may not have the same impact.

Dr. Harley will have solution's for you please email him with your concerns.


Your husband has to step up to the plate to help heal you, otherwise you will have an awful marriage, die by 1000 cuts, and live a miserable life.

UW, I am remembering now that we had a discussion about the fact that you never follow thru with the poly despite the fact that you have been trickle truthed and your H has had several affairs, right?

Did you ever ask him for that poly? That could be why you (and he) are stuck if he hasn't come completely clean about his secret second life...

Hi SQ. Yes, you are correct. I have never followed through with the poly. But since that revelation he has been asking to take one, to make sure that I can move forward knowing I know everything. And in our most recent conversations I have also asked take one, so he knows the same. No appointments made yet, but it will be done within the next month or two.

Not sure what the reason for the delay is but all I will say is just get it out of the way and move to the next part of recovery. Delays increase the risk you will never follow through which you have a history of.

FWIW - my STBX was agreed to the poly two times (2007 and 2011) and both times he was bluffing me...

Have you listened to these radio clips?
Radi clip
Radio clip

"You don't have to do what your resentment is telling you to do." - Dr. Harley, second clip, 01:18 mark

I think that about says it all. In your case, UW, those actions that would wisely be avoided would include obsessively rehashing the awful events of the affair (and let's not forget "resenting" instead of "cherishing" any new wedding rings, etc).

Creating alternative strategies for re-directing your thoughts from unhelpful to helpful focuses would make YOUR life easier, friend, and YOUR recovery faster and more certain.

Wow. These are Words of Wisdom I am living by. Thanks, NG

My most recent problems have not really been with resentful attitudes towards my H (although I sure have found time to vent about them on here!). But since I have been working on MB principles and 'recovery' I have had about one day a week where I just want to throw in the towel. Like, why I am trying to save this sinking ship again??? I love the man but seriously, it does seem like a LOT of work to do for someone who has spent our ENTIRE MARRIAGE lying to me. And before you all jump all over me, let me just say I am not necessarily unwilling to do the work. The UA time, meeting needs, etc. sound WONDERFUL and I will love every minute of doing that...I guess I just don't trust that he will ever fully commit to it or stick with it, and then I will just spend an exhausting number of years trying to bail out a sinking ship by myself. Unfortunately, I have always shared this with him which isn't really helping in the recovery process. I know I tell him way too much of what goes on in the old noggin sometimes.

Common? Do other people in recovery question WHY once in awhile? I have a couple friends who went through some marital problems during our last couple yrs of craziness and they divorced, and at least one is happily remarried again. Some days, sounds simpler to implement my newfound knowledge of MB principles in a new relationship than in a very very damaged one.

Uhhhh, there's only one question here, UW, and I don't think we can answer it:

Like, why I am trying to save this sinking ship again???

You continue to spin on the same pivot-point, flip-flopped daily:

I resent having to do this amount of work, because my damaged marriage may not be worth it.

I don't mind doing the work, but my damaged marriage STILL is not worth it.

I love the man but seriously, it does seem like a LOT of work to do for someone who has spent our ENTIRE MARRIAGE lying to me.

The use of "but" effectively negates the entire opening clause. If you loved him, you'd more readily accept the task, you'd want to heal your marriage for HIS benefit.

I'll repeat myself from my other post: It's not fair.

It will never BE fair. If you insist upon fairness, immediate freedom from resentment for past offenses, and and a greatly reduced burden, you're going to have to start over in another marriage.

Hmm. Thank you NG food for thought, as always.