THAT, is good stuff! See how valuable you are! And...I am wondering if one of those OW's was my friend now... maybe you did have her a can of whoop axx and I just didn't hear that part!

We went to the Marriage Builders seminar in Florida in 2007 with Mr and MrsW and I put "Melodylane" on my name tag. MrsW was afraid we were going to get beat up!

I think I was edited 103 times by Justuss in 2006...Myohmy, have times ever changed....

Oh? NG hadn't noticed!

I apologize ahead of time vmmusa for the t/j.

Is there anyway you know the name of the OM and we could maybe find out who his BW is? So we can let her know her WH is still in contact with his OW?
If his BW used to post on here we could have the MODS notify her?

vmm, what MB tools have you and your WW used to recover? Tell us about that - how many hours of UA time are you getting in each week? EP's - what are they?

You're right - you should be farther along than you are. You sound very resentful. What is holding up your healing?

Tell us about how you've followed the MB plan.

Some people who survive cancer become cancer counselors for newly-diagnosed cancer patients. Some people who beat alcoholism become sponsors for other alcoholics.

Some of us lived through adultery and have the drive within us to pay it forward.

I don't think it's a matter of not getting over it. I think it's a human drive for some people to want to help others who are going through a similar experience. Have I gotten over my husband's affair? No. I'll never get 'over' it. But I have turned the experience into something that I've made work for me and others. That's a pretty good feeling.

What happened while you were in Plan B?

Thank goodness you didn't "get over it" and you beat out the Waywards who used to be on this site. Otherwise I might still be on my little wayward way.

I don't think anyone should "get over" an affair on either side. Otherwise we are deamed to repeat it.

Thank you MB for not "getting over it" and helping me see myself for who I truly was.

Absolutely nothing. It was dark as a coal mine at midnight. If your question is what ended Plan B, it was her full agreement to all conditions. In writing. I still have it, I think. Somewhere.

So you went through the program and have a fully recovered marriage now? Thats great!

Nice and clear cut, I must say. Black and white. On and off. No consideration for children or family. No room for non-mainline-protestant religious beliefs. No economics to consider. There is no try, only do or do not. The narrow path.

That�s good, actually.

Too bad this was not so clear to me after DDay 2 of the VLTA.

I really did think I could do this after I got back on my feet two or so years after DDay 2. MB had given me hope we could recover. But as time went on I wanted to recover less and less. This slow ebbing of my desire to recover had nothing to do with her desire to recover, her degree of remorse or her making just compensation. She was and is surprisingly remorseful, actually. I have slowly come to believe there simply is no such thing as just compensation for certain (indeed, most) egregious adulteries.

Whether I am getting (or ever did get) what I want or what I need from her is irrelevant. She could be a living saint now and I still am off the map. I say again, it is not her. It is me. MB didn�t work on: me. Just took me several years to figure it out.

Perhaps I am too much of a perfectionist. Perhaps it�s because we were both virgins on our wedding night. Perhaps it is only because I was (I don�t know about her anymore). Maybe it is because I sacrificed so much for nothing during the decade of the VLTA (and even before it started). Maybe I have too much resentment for anything whatsoever to diminish it enough. Perhaps I am not as forgiving as I wish I was. I don�t know what it is about me. There simply isn�t any way back from her adultery for me. It is all me. Basically, I am too stupid to be married to anyone at all. I just didn�t know it until a couple of years ago. But now I am stuck.

MB helped my personal recovery very much at first, but in later years it actually slowed me down with false hopes. I wish this perhaps rare reality was acknowledged occasionally. Some BS try as hard as they possibly can to recover, as hard as anyone anywhere has ever tried, totally following the MB carrot being held out in front of them, and still not get over the adultery because of what is or is not inside them. A realization by a BS of their own limitations more often than not takes several years of trying to recover, even with a very remorseful spouse.

And this prevalent attitude of if-you-fail-it-is-because-you-didn�t-do-it-right is simply wrong. That circular argument is used by all fundamentalists.

No offense, I hope. MB is a good thing, a good place. It�s helped many BS (and I suppose some few WS). It�s just better for some BS than it is for others.

All that being said, I am doing fine. Really. Life is good. I have regrets, but I no longer have any ENs and no fear. I feel free of the pain of adultery, except sometimes when I come here. Going to do something about that soon though.

And before true believers make snide posts asking why I am still occasionally here; well, I don�t have a clue. Maybe I am the reprobate example needed by every travelling gospel show.

OTOH, I sometimes hope to support a BH like me when getting beat up (WPG�s BH for example) for not personally recovering on the various posters, or on WPG�s own timeline. I identify with him. Maybe he didn�t get something he needs. Maybe I didn�t get something I need. I don�t know what that would be, though. I bet he does not know what he needs either. In any case it is now too late for us. So we have to D, I guess. Oh, wait, I can�t D. Practicing Catholic. Darn. Don�t know about him, but I bet he is simply too depressed to think about it at all now. WPG waited too long to help him. I don�t think anything would have made any long term difference to me though.

Gosh Mel. I went through the program and do not have a fully recovered marriage. And before you say it, see above. There is something wrong with me. MB wise, I mean.

There are lots of things you can cherry-pick.

MB is not one of them.

You are not encouraged to hang on forever to false hope.

So when did you and your wife go through the MB program? I never knew she was fully committed! That is great.

Actually you are not stuck unless you want to be stuck. That is your choice.


And yours is the prevalent attitude of someone who didn't use the program and then bitterly blames it for not working. I am not aware of you and your wife ever going through the MB program, for example... If it didn't work, as you say, what is the evidence that you actually used it? I seem to remember that you found out years later that your wife was still in contact with the OM yet you stayed with her. That is not advocated at all by MB. You are like the guy who says "that diet doesn't work when you quit it!" Of course the program can't work if you don't work it.

p.s. we went through the ORlando class in 2007. Which one did you go through?

Have you thought about writing Dr. Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com and ask him why his program didn't work?

Here's a radio clip answering that and Dr. Harley telling others if there is something you don't agree with to email him.
Radio clip of Dr. Harley encouraging listeners who don't agree with something about MB program

Brainhurts, aphelion and his wife have not been through the program. They did a little cherry picking at best.

Awww. Then no need to ask the good doctor "why doesn't your program work if you've never worked it"

It seems like we are seeing a few "old timers" coming back and saying they're ok with "limping" marriages.

I guess times of changed from this just being some kind of blogging board to actual getting help board?

Exactamundo....