I know I have to get the legal ball rolling and I will come Tuesday when I the kids are in school and I have a completely free day to call and visit everywhere I need to.

My motivation to do anything at all is completely shot right now. I want to lie in bed and never do anything ever again.

I want to call my stupid WH and tell him I give up. Tell him to keep his skanky women and his puddles of money. Tell him I want nothing at all to do with him. Get the quickie cheap divorce and be done with it, no hope of recovery.

I know it's the depression talking. I know that's not rationally what I want at all.

I'm just not feeling the benefit of Plan B right now. I still feel awful, just now I don't have contact either. Instead of focusing my anger and worry on what he's doing or saying, I'm mad and worried about everything he could possibly be doing.

I feel like I'm rewarding him, allowing him to go off and do whatever he wants without even having to hear a bad word about it.

It's all out of sight, out of mind for him. He could go through the IM, but doesn't bother. Hell there's a million ways he could break my no contact if he actually wanted to. Show up at the house, call from someone else's cell phone, message from someone else's facebook, create a new email address that isn't blocked, etc, etc, etc. But no, he's not crazed over the loss of me. He's drinking and whoring and not a care in the world. And that is killing me. Because all he's learned from his so far is that tiny piece of himself that wasn't willing to just let me go completely before is easily overcome.

Thus ends my melodramatic outburst for the day.

(((Jennifer)))
We feel you and your pain. I know it is hard to hear at the moment but time will help. You deserve more than just scraps.

Very important part of Plan B is taking care of you. What can you do for you?

Read these for inspiration, some long but inspiring.
Be the Lighthouse
Neak's Story
Neak's story is a very good read.

You'll feel much better once you've got legal advice and proper funding in place.

Now I want to hear some self care stuff. What's it going to be? Funny movies and buttery popcorn? Lunch with the girls? Sunday walk and picnic? Mani pedi?

Jennifer, this was also on the website I linked to as well as info on how to get food stamps and other social services

"What if I need an increase in my child support order or medical support for my children? Anytime there is a
substantial change of circumstances, a motion can be filed with the Family Division to modify the terms of the court order.
You may also request a review of the amount of your child support order at least once every 3 years from the date the
order was entered or modified by the court. Reviews are completed by your local County Welfare Agency Child Support Unit
(CWA/CSU). This service is available to you even if you have never been a recipient of Temporary Assistance to Needy
Families (TANF). Additionally you can ask for assistance in obtaining medical support for your child if it is not included in
your current order. The phone numbers for the CWA are listed on pages 1-4 of the application."

Most states now have free cell phones for low income. Here is one:

https://www.safelinkwireless.com/Safelink/home

If that doesn't cover your state there is probably another one that does.

Really, for a simple question, I have no response. What can I do for me? I can't even remember the last time I did something for me.

My life is my kids, and for the most part that's a good thing. I have to continue with the basic necessities of life because of them. I have to get out of bed, shower, cook food, do laundry, keep things clean, leave the house, spend time outside, go to stores and otherwise interact with people. I do it because they need me too. Free moments are few and far between and I have no idea how to fill them, especially in any way that would considered "for me."

This is something I'm going to have to really think about and make time for. It's really sad that I can't even envision doing something for myself. I think I lost myself a long time ago.



I spent most of the day reading the links. They are inspiring, but I seem to be wallowing in a contrary mood.

How can I be a lighthouse for my WS when I've built a wall around myself purposely to ensure he can't see me?

Neak's story is definitely inspiring. Unfortunately, I wish I had read it (and had known about MB in general) when I found out about the very first long-term EA in 2007. Back when he was willing to try anything to keep me from leaving, when he was capable of acknowledging the pain he caused me, before I became the person he blamed for own his behavior.

I worry there have been too many D Days, too many FRs, too many LBing reactions to ever recover.

I'm going to really attempt to shower. I will very likely do my hair. I could quite possibly put on makeup. Then I will be taking the children to a baby shower, where they will almost definitely run around like maniacs. I will convince myself not to worry about it, eat food, ohh and ahh over baby stuff and engage in small talk with distant relatives as if my life was normal.

Not exactly the self care I really need to be striving for, but it should prove a wonderful distraction for my entire Sunday and that's got to be better than the obsessing and wallowing that has taken over the past few days.

That's just about the only thing I know how to do - modify the child support. I will need to once the baby is born - although that hinges on many unknowns such as his not being around to sign the birth certificate and how long it takes to get social security number.

I could file for a modification now (which would be approved since he made about 15,000 more last year than the year the order was enforced) and would most likely have a court date by the beginning of June. I worry how it would look, in the judge's eyes, to do that and then file to modify again in when I got the baby's SSN (probably in mid October). Attempting for modification twice in a 4 month time frame worries me.

But it isn't your responsibility to worry about that. Its WHs.

There is no marriage so neglected, so damaged, so beaten that it can't be recovered by two committed people.

But the mess is his to clear up. He worries about making the U-turn, doing the heavy lifting, persuading you to stay on board.

You're are going to feel low. You're recoving from years of wounds. But you ARE recovering. It started the day you went into Plan B.

Get all the tears out. I mean it, cry when you can. It won't last forever, but it needs to be done. You break down a bit and rebuild up stronger.

We are here, and we know what its like. Scary, painful, nightmarish. Too much to take.

But this too, will pass. It gets better.

Thanks. I just applied. I just need to find a way to prove my lack of income. It said something about using a child support decree, so I'm going to hunt around for that later tonight. This kind of proof would have been so much easier had I not agreed to file our taxes jointly this year.

That's what worries me. Two committed people. What if he doesn't want to? I guess that's the reality I'm finally starting to face and really struggling with. I know I can't do any more than I already have, know that it has to be his decision and from here on in he's the one who had to do the work. I just don't think he will.



I sure hope so, because the beginning of recovery sure doesn't feel great. I'm not a crier, but I've had cause to cry a fair bit over the last couple of year. Big, massive, hysterical, hyperventilating cries. It's not like that now, since he can't say or do anything to set me off like that. But I cry more now in Plan B than ever before. Just the teary, out of nowhere cries that last just a few minutes. At least twice today alone. I'd love to blame it on the pregnancy (hormones are a wonderful scapegoat) but that's not it. It's just me struggling to deal day to day.

I feel weak. I'm not good at weak. I feel as if I have no control over any aspect of my life. I'm equally bad at letting go of control. I survived perfectly well the first 24 years of my life without him. It stands to reason that I should be able to survive just as well without him in the future if need be. It was 8 years of my life, sure, but half the time they weren't even pleasant. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time accepting that I need to worry about me and let him worry about him and the possibility of us.

About the birth certificate, at least in my state, if you are married your husband is automatically entered, no need to be present. Is it different in NJ?

I wouldn't worry about filing the child support modification twice...and you have good reason to. And who knows, if he loses his job before the baby's born, you might regret waiting if there is no way to modify it then. Do whatever you need to do to provide for your children, they only have you to count on.

When is your baby due?

I tried to google it to find out. I know since we're married, he's automatically assumed to be the father by the court system until proved otherwise, but wasn't sure what happened with unsigned birth certificates (which are needed to get a SSN, I think). Google has been less than helpful.



Wow, with all my planning and consideration involving his potential loss of job and what that would mean for health insurance, I never once considered what that would mean in regards to child support. You are definitely right. I should do it now because if he does lose his job by the time I have to modify again, I would get significantly less and might want to hold off modifying until he found a job so it wouldn't be lowered. Yet another thing to start taking care of Tuesday.



September 9th. But I'll have a c-section before then. Probably September 4th, if not even a little earlier.

And maybe the child support receptionist lady could point me towards the appropriate spousal support paperwork whilst there. That could be mighty helpful and save me a ton of worry and money.

Your job is to worry about a PERSONAL recovery, not the level of his folly. Not about what he will or will not do. I found that mantras helped me here. Whenever the idea that 'he wont do it' came into my head I would automatically respond to myself 'what a fool that would make him' and that helped dismiss the irrelevant thought.



Not at all! It is what you are SUPPOSED to be doing. Tears are a part of the WORK. They wont last forever, dont fear them and dont for heavens sake think them sign of weakness and fight them.

Whenever I felt the tears coming on, early in Plan B I let myself go with them and had a good PROPER cry. I am sure that is why I got through withdrawal slightly quicker than usual. Eventually you will be all cried out, so do it sooner rather than later.



It's withdrawal. It's not permanent.

And who says you have no control? Why do you describe grieving as weak? Rather it is fear of grief that I would call weak.

You do have a PLAN. Personal recovery. That is what is in your control.

The following things are in your control.

Letting the tears come, not fearing them.
Making the most of your F&F support,
Eating
Sleeping
Thinking, grieving, processing
Self care. Every day.
Plans for the future
Reviewing your 'bucket list'
Seizing opportunities, freedom and new directions
Living how you want to live - no POJA!

You have PLENTY of control.

It just doesnt feel that way when grief has you in its grasp.


I just HATED withdrawal at the time. I hated how it completely felled me day after day and the unanticipated level of pain, and how it just wouldnt let up and how it seemed it would go on forever.

But if I could see what the pain would eventually earn me, I would have gone through it more gladly.

Now I am really grateful for the experience. Its like the pain of climbimg a mountain without being able to see where you're headed. Then one day you do, and the pain - the hard work and the earning of it - becomes so important.

Just hang in there.

The first 3 days of no contact, my emotions were like clockwork. I'd be angry for the first few hours of the day, then sad for the majority of the day, and finally spend my last hour or so awake completely indifferent to the situation, the future and my WH is general. There would be moments, sometimes long ones, of distraction where I wouldn't feel the full brunt of whichever emotion, but it was always there, coloring everything I did.

Today seems different. I woke up angry, but that only lasted about a half hour. I then slipped immediately into indifference. I'm not naive enough to think I'm done being sad, but this is a step in the right direction. I can function during indifference. It's not happiness, but it's definitely better than I expected now and something I can work with.

Every day is different, the up and down of the rollercoaster.

Over time the rollercoaster slows and stops, bad days are fewer.

I know it sounds strange but a year on, I cherish the memory of the bad days. They changed me forever and for the better.

I am not in your state, but in mine only one parent needs to sign the BC. Uually Mom, since she is the one in the hospital 24/7. I found it funny with my daughter, who we went back-and-forth on her name, that I had the right to name her whatever I wanted and sign off on it by myself and it would be done, put on her BC. I did put down our most recent joint decision. NOT the name I tried to name all my kids.

Soldiers have children while overseas and nothing is held up on the BC.

I think you should only need one parent to sign; it is two if the parents are not married.

I have difficulty imagining ever having good thoughts about the bad days, but I am just grateful today wasn't a bad day. We had a great time at the baby shower and I learned that I can still have a good time, if distracted enough. There was a missed call from the WH on my mom's phone today and when I saw it, it made me pause for a second, but managed to put it out of my mind without too much thought. It's progress and I'll take any I can get.

I did notice how much my thoughts are colored by my situation. The women were sitting around, complaining about their husbands. How this one just watches TV all the time. How that one never mows the lawn. I sort of just wanted to shake them and yell "yeah well mine won't stop banging random women." Kept that impulse in check and went to find a better conversation.

That's reassuring. Now that I think about it, my doctor should know for sure one way or another. She knows my situation, so I'll ask her the next time I see her just to be sure.