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Joined: Apr 2012
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My husband and I have been together since we were both 16, married at 19 and are now 21. He and I are both attending college (he is still attending community college and I am about to graduate for a four year university, am graduating with honors and am double majoring). I honestly love him and want to work things out but I just do not know what to do. Since the beginning I let him know cheating is unacceptable.....
Since early Feb he and I started fighting a lot. It started off with small arguments that blew up pretty bad. We didnt see or talk to each other for a few days but then we patched things up and I came home and decided to cook him a nice three course meal.
At this time I started questioning his relationship with a female friend (I have more male friends and he has more female friends yet up until that point we had never doubted or been jealous). He was not setting boundaries with her and would treat her like his girlfriend-would buy her food, drive her around, talk about really really intimate things etc. During this time they were running at beach regularly and after dinner that night he told me he would be running with "friends" early in the morning. Well that morning he simply jumped out of bed without saying anything and quickly grabbed his running shoes and left. I was incredibly hurt and left to my mother's house. Again we didnt talk for a few days and finally, he apologized (via text) for what he did. I didn't respond at first because I couldnt believe how unappreciative and disrespectful he had been. Here i had called out of work just to patch things up with him after our fight and had cooked him a three course meal. When I finally tried talking to him a few days later, he ignored me (like I always did when I was mad at him). During this time I was also going through some very difficult times: I was treated horribly at work and I fell very behind on my schoolwork (I was stressed and with how I was being treated at work I felt like the reason many people disrespected me was because there was something very wrong with me).
At this point he was ignoring me and didnt want anything to do with me. When I went to see him at his parents house (who work long, long hours) he was with his girl "friend." We talked for about three hours while she waited in his car to take her home and he told me he was tired of the way I was-constantly demanding he change for me, disrespecting him when he did something wrong, and refusing to admit when I was wrong. We ended up resolving the problem and we agreed that it was best to set boundaries with his friend who instead of backing away due to all the marital problems we were having (especially concerning her) she got even closer to him-worse still, they ended up getting a job at the exact same place and working almost the exact same hours! I was ok with this at first because he had been unemployed for a while.

Anyway, he agreed he would stop talking to her and we both agreed we would work at our relationship...but then due to the problems and stress that work and school were causing me I started to become very unsure of myself (not phsyically but more internally) and one day at work, I was told by a coworker that he thought I was stupid and that he simply didnt like me. Everyone i worked with that day would talk amongst themselves and conversated and laughed as if i wasnt there. I broke down during one of my breaks and texted my husband that I really needed to talk to him and asked him if he could get home soon after I got off so I could tell him what happened. Well...he didnt respond and 12 hours later he still hadn't come home. I cried and cried and cried and even shredded a pillow in frustration. He arrived at around 11Am the next day and I asked him where he had been. He told me he had been at a party with the other woman (his "friend") and that he had "really wanted me to be there with him." I was incredibly hurt and when he realized this, he apologized and told me he would be there for me from now on. More importantly, that he would set up boundaries with this "friend" of his.I told him I thought she had feelings for him and that he was doing nothing to set her straight that he was a married man! I asked him if he could stop talking to her until we got better. He said yes but it was quite obvious he had become very attached to her and he became depressed and upset for about a week because he had lost a close and dear "friend". Eventually though I found out thru facebook that he had only stoppped contact for a week and that he had gotten back to being his usual cheery self because he still talked to her had her as his "friend". When i found out i tried to be understanding and tell myself that with all of the problems i was having , that I was not only being paranoid but controlling in getting him to stop talking to this woman.
We worked on the relationship but then my six year old autistic brother became very, very sick and was rushed to the hospital on various occasions due to high fevers and seizures. The first two times my husband was at work. My brother was so sick i decided to stay over at my parents house to help and when the third time of rushing him to the hospital rolled in I called my husband and texted him after he got off of work about what happened. He responded about two hours later and said "poor brother of yours! that sucks!" Never once did he even offer to be there for us during these difficult times. My family and I got out of the hosptial around midnight and I was just so upset because he was not there for me...again! So I called him and then texted him about where he was. He told me he was at his parents house sleeping because "our apt feels so lonely without you." I went to check both places after the hospital but his car was nowhere to be found. I called him over to my mothers house and we stayed out in the parking lot. I asked him where he had been and again, looking at me with a straight face he told me where he had supposedly been. I told him I had gone to check at his parents and then our apt but that he was lying. I pretty much let him know that night that the relationship was over because he had not been there for me when I most needed him and because he was lying to me about where he was and with who. I cut off contact with him but about a week later, he said he wanted to talk to me. I agreed and he told me that he loved me very much and that he wanted to make me happy and that he didnt care what everyone else thought about how he had been acting (at this point my friends, family, EVERYONE told me to leave him). He told me that he was now really going to work on the relationship, would regain my trust, and had stopped talking to his "friend" completely.
We started reading books on working things out and I started going to a counselor at the university I go to. We were together for about two weeks and everything was great-he was super attentive, complimented me...basically it was as if we had just gotten married. It was wonderful until one day, he left his phone out (during these few months he had been secretive with his phone). I looked at it and saw that he had been in contact with the woman recently. She had texted him that she wanted him as more than friends and scrolling up, I saw that during one of the times we broke up, he had had sex with her. When he found out that I had read his messages he apoligized and tried explaining what had happened. I didnt want to hear it any longer-for two whole months I had been in great pain from school, family, work, and then because of him. i had to withdraw from most of my classes-in the ones I did manage to keep I am pretty much failing right now. I was fired from my job as well because I called out due to my brothers hospitalization and apparantly because I was a "bad worker." He sent me a long message on facebook that he knew what he did was wrong but that he had chosen me but that now it was too late and that he was not worth it...
As of currently, Iam living with my parents and constantly cry. He on the other hand resumed his "friendship" the other woman. He later confessed that he had sex with her twice...I am incredibly hurt. we have met up twice since we stopped talking. Last sunday, I found out that he had gone to six flags with his "friend" all day. That sunday I had even texted him (after i found out where he was) that he should drive the 100 miles back from the amusement park to talk with me and straighten things out or he would never see , hear or know anything about me again (the ultimatium I gave him i now admit was immature and childish and worse still, he never showed up to talk to me that day).
We met up the next day after he went to six flags with her and he was upset at first and acted like he didnt care. On a side note: He has never abused me and he's never told me i am ugly or called me names. In fact, at one point during our marriage i got very low self eestem because i started getting horrible horrible acne yet he always made me feel beautiful.
Anyway, at first he acted annoyed and mad and was defending the other woman. He and I knew during our time talking that it would probably be the last time we ever saw each other... so eventually as i started making my leave,he asked me to stay and he cried and cried and told me that he would always care for me. At this point he told me that he didnt want to try working things out- Just seperate and move on. He told me he wasnt ready to commit again because he felt like was wasnt good enough and that he had hurt me so much already. I told him that trying to make our relationship work was so difficult because so many things had already happened, that forgiving him was going to be difficult and that learning to trust him even more so. But while we had this painful discussion we still somehow managed to make each other laugh a little bit and talk about how much we had enjoyed being sexually intimate with each other during our marriage. Because of so many rumors circling everyone who knew us, he told me he had decided to talk to me to seperate fact from fiction: what had i been telling everyone. And he also was going to do the same with the other woman....
We ended the painful discussion in the park. we said would divorce, live our lives like normal adults in their 20s (go out, have fun, date, etc.)and that maybe one day we would meet up again after years apart and get back together again.... yet it was so painful to walk away....
However, the next day I was lonely and asked him if we could get lunch. I picked him up from his school, we went out to eat and everything was fine. We talked and flirted and had an amazing time but of course there were a few times when things became tense. We however, never discussed our problems of the affair or anything. After lunch he asked to be taken back to school. I took him back to his car and we said goodbye and left.
This was the last time I saw him...its been about a week now and I dont know what to do. I have distracted myself with friends but then find myself reading books on affairs and relationships and what went wrong and just crying so much that my whole soul feels like its going to leave my body.
But im still confused!! He knew he had cheated on me and was willing to stop talking to her and work things out with me. But once I found out, he is no longer willing to make our relationship work. He texted me after the lunch we had about something but I ignored it. He texted me a second time that he had left something in my car and I ignored him again because I didnt know what to do (i didnt want to come off as needy and desperate or make him feel that i would always be available, esp when he was talking with that woman, hanging out with her and making plans). I texted him yesterday and asked him if he wanted me to go drop off the item at his house...its been over 30 hrs but still no response.
At this point I really want to talk to him and apologize with how I have been over the years-incredibly demanding, rude, disrespecful, etc. With how I have been i can understand what drove him to cut boundaries with her and eventually sleep with her. But I also see his faults in the relationship with how he treated me over these last few months.
Right now I want to let him know that Im willing to forgive him and work on the relationship and I would like to negotiate with him the possibility of getting back together. But how is it going work when he keeps talking to this woman? This woman, this supposed friend who he told me he will continue seeing as a friend (despite already sleeping with her twice). This friend who she herself, is incredibly hurt because of her past relationship with her bf. She basically allowed herself to be used by him thru sex. Reading the text between both of them, she said she wanted my husband with her or else she would try to regain the love back from her ex. It just feels like this woman doenst know what she wants (my husband or her ex) and my husband doesnt know what he wants (me or her).I feel that if I give him space right now to sort out his feelings, that he will become even more attached to her and that reconciliation will be impossible between us cause there are more bad memories present at the moment than good memories. If I do give him the time to just spend time with her, and he eventually ends it and comes back to me and i accept, at this young age we are both in, he will feel like he can just step all over me and do whatever he wants (cheat, lie, etc). I am not sure if just talking to him as a friend and building positive memories while allowing him to keep speaking to her is also a good idea becase then he will be getting the best of both worlds....
I really dont know what to do!!! I know this post is super long...but I am having so many problems! I love him and really want this to work but not if he will continue talking to her and be unwilling to stop and change jobs to get away from her.Someone please, PLEASE help me!

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I got about a quarter the way through that before my eyes started to blur..
perhaps a condensed version will do so it is easier to read? People will be better able to help you if you break it up and stick to the gist of the matter.
Sorry you are here, keep reading around the forum and the articles

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Sorry to hear you are here.

You two need to spend some time to learn the principles of how to maintain a healthy marriage.
1) Learn and practice the Principle of Joint Agreement
2) Learn the policy of Openness and Honesty
3) Spend 15 hours per week of uninterrupted time to maintain romantic feelings for each other
4) Implement extraordinary precautions to protect your relationship - and that means no female friends for him and no male friends for you.
5) Eliminate Love Busters - learn what they are, how to recognize them and remove them from your relationship.

He has had an affair. It started out as an emotional affair which often happens when two people of the opposite sex spend a lot of time together. You both have some growing up to do.

To save your marriage you will both have to be equally committed to resolving the issues that caused this to happen. If not you are both young and can start over and learn from your mistakes.

How much work are the TWO of you willing to put in to save your marriage?
Are both of you willing to make each other a priority?
Are you willing to learn each others emotional needs and work at meeting them daily?

Good Luck to you both.

BCBoy

Joined: Oct 2011
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Sorry you are here.
You are very young. That's a good thing. You have good health, an education, and many good years ahead.

Any children?

Talk to your school counselor and make arrangements to finish your classes and get your degree. They will help.


Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
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I am also sorry you are here and your husband is having an affair.

Please read this link and it will give you a good idea of what is happening and what you ought to do.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1659680#Post1659680







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Has your WH affair been exposed? Please read this Exposure 101

You're in plan A. Please read this Carrot and stick of plan A

Your WH needs to have boundaries and both of you should stop having opposite sex friendships. Read this by Dr. Harley Are Friends a threat to your marriage


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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You will never be comfortable or even begin to heal your M while he is still in contact with this OW. The above post by Brain contains a link to some great Plan A info. That's your battle plan right now.

His A wasn't your fault, not one little bit. The state of your M before the A was 1/2 your responsibility and 1/2 his. As you get going on Plan A, look honestly at your failings as a W (which did NOT give any excuse for his A). Show that you are fixing those things in yourself, and that you're willing to meet whatever his most important emotional needs (EN'S) were that you neglected.

If you are fairly newly married and have no children, your best course of action may be to walk away. No one would blame you if you did. If you want to try and salvage your M, that's fine too, and you'll get help with that here. Either way, learn what you can that will make you a better W the next time around, whether with your WH or someone else.

If you opt to try and save your M, you would do about 3 weeks of a strategic Plan A, followed by Plan B. If you decide not to try, I recommend you go straight to Plan B but skip the love letter. Just write him a note that says you will not be friends with him, or have any contact with him again, and cut off all contact with him.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Please listen to this radio clip. It is Dr. Harley talks about friends of opposite sex and the dangers.
6:50 into the clip her friend had an affair with her husband


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thank you all for your wonderful advice. I am so sorry I made it so long but the advice has been helpful. It is quite difficult because for about five weeks I followed plan A without even realizing it. I made him my priority during this time and even stopped going to class for a while. So while I gave and worked on being the best person and wife possible, he took, and he took and he took. All while still talking and seeing her and even receiving small gifts she gave him. Worst still, I feel disgusted by the fact that he could be intimate with both of us at the same time.

As of right now we have very minimal contact. All of my things are gone from our empty apt. He is living with his parents and I with mine. He told one of our mutual friends that he cares about both me and the other woman but doesnt know what he wants. He told our friend that he is still talking to the other woman but not making an "hasty decisions" as to what they should do. He says that he will most likely lose both of us but that is something he is willing to do...
His parents know about the situation but are not willing to do much to help make this easier on me. They simply listen to the problems but don't give me any advice as to what I should do.
I have spent time on the site and forum reading as much as I can about similar situations and what I should do but I feel that in these past five weeks I have already put enough into the marriage and now perhaps its time to just focus on school and finding a job.

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So sorry you are here ... this is the best place for you. I agree .. you should work on YOU (schooling ... job. . etc) .. start plan B. You should however .. expose this to the OWs family! That may paint an ugly picture for the OW's family and they may scorn her into getting rid of your husband.

I was at first excited about your post since you have a similar experience as me having been with your husband since you were 16 .. I have been with my wife since she was 15. But having read your entire post .. it makes me sad that your husband couldnt be mature enough to make it work ... its hard work.. believe me ... i beenderdundat. I always wanted to have the longest marriage in my family and stil do .. So i am working towards that!(no Physical cheating on either part of my wife and I but we both had EA's without even realizing what an EA was before we came to MB).

Do you two have any kids?

Stick around ... read all you can here and ask questions for clairification. Have you got any of the books from Dr.Harley? Have you read the entire site? All the basic concepts?

MNG

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Five weeks? Definitely time to gear up for Plan B. You need to cut all contact with him until he's ready to end the A and meet every condition for R, starting with NC.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Thanks MrNiceGuy and Neak for responding.

@MrNiceGuy good to hear that your marriage with your wife has lasted and seeing how you're on this site I am sure you two are incredibly happy together:)

My husband and I have no children. I think plan B is the best course of action but I am not sure how I would expose the OW if I know nothing about how to attain her family's info.

I have so many articles and books I would love to read by Dr. Harley along with other self-help books. As much as I want to though I have come to realize that I MUST focus on school and finding a job. The semester is coming to a close and I have not turned in a paper thats over a month late!

@Neek even if he did end the A at the moment I cannot find myself willing to wait it out. I would feel so horrible with the thought that he decided to come back to me because things with OW did not work out. I have already spent some time reading about resentment and how to over come that according to Dr. Harley. But its definitely easier said than done and I dont know if I even can... I have tried SO hard and now I am just so tired of the situation I am in when he doesnt even seem to even care.

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Whether you try to R or not, I still recommend Plan B. The only difference would be in the letter. If you wanted to R, you would lay out NC as the starting point to the other things you would need him to do for R to take place. And if you didn't want to R, you would just tell him that you were not going to have any further direct contact with him until the A is over, or even no more direct contact ever.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Bea, since you are uncertain if you would want to recover in the future, I would err on the side of Plan B letter with a chance for recovery. It doesn't mean that you will need to stick with the choice for recovery if the time should arise.

The reason that your WH is confused is because he wants you BOTH.

Get into PB as soon as possible. Make it official, but definitely don't tell your WH about it, or this site.

You should re-expose to EVERYONE who would have influence on your WH. Let them know that your WH is having an affair, and that as long as the affair continues, there is no chance for your marriage, so you would like their influence to help persuade him to end his affair. People may not do anything, but you never know where that help may come from.

Do you have any way to find out who OW is?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU

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