If today is a test, I think I'm passing nicely. Hopefully, this isn't me talking too soon.

I went to bed at a reasonable time. Slept like a baby. Until my phone started ringing (apparently, when they shut off my phone, they only turned off the internet and my ability to call or text out. I still get incoming calls and texts - if not blocked).

From 5 am on, my phone has rung non-stop. It started earlier than that, but my phone automatically blocks any caller who blocks their number from my caller id. Got a couple of those, but by 5, calls were coming through from a number I don't know. I don't answer numbers I don't know.

After about 13 calls from the same number, I reverse looked up the number. It's a land line in one of the areas my husband works. Between that and the fact I got a couple more calls from a number one off from the 13 calls number, I've reasonably deduced my WH is calling from a business phone at work. Obsessively. Every 15 minutes.

I blocked both numbers. Any time I start to question why he's trying to call so much now, I push the ideas out of my head. It doesn't matter. He didn't pick up the kids. He didn't tell anyone he wasn't coming. He purposely spent his birthday weekend with his friends instead of them. And the big one - I'm waiting for the results of my STD test, do I really want to talk to a man who could have given me an STD? All very effective in making me not at all interested in anything he has to say.

Debating between having the IM tell him the ONLY way he can contact me is through her, or just ignoring it so he doesn't even realize I know he tried to call.

I wouldn't respond at all. If you told him to contact the IM, then he knows to contact the IM and is just trying to wear you down.

Good point. Of course, that's backfiring for him, since all he's really doing is further annoying me by proving that my needs mean squat to him.

Have there been waywards that flat out never acknowledged their IM's or do they all eventually fall in line with the plan?

From the posts that I've read, there's usually a reluctance on the part of the WH to work with an IM.

I think a lot depends on how persistant you are in sticking with radio silence.

I have done silence perfectly and plan to continue to do so, so hopefully he's catch on soon enough.

But, damn, I hope there isn't a limit to how many numbers I can block. He just started from another number from work. They've got like a 100 of them at each location. I guess we'll see. Very thankful for reverse lookups right now. Could have easily convinced myself it was someone else in an emergency situation with the sheer number of calls.

Perfectly understandable.

If all kids are accounted for and no fingers or toes are missing, then the only emergency is that you aren't playing in his sandbox and he wants to complain about it to you.

Spare yourself the drama and continue as-is. You're doing great!

If you can just sit tight for the next day or so while he goes through all the phones at work, then he'll get the message and taper off. Don't cave in!

And remember too...that sandbox is also where cats like to bury their treasures too...

can you turn your phone off?

Change your number. This way, no matter how many numbers he changes to, he won't be calling YOU anymore.

Big vent here: So I blocked the calls. The calls stopped. WH finally goes through the IM, trying to get weekend visitation times changed. I deny it. He accepts the denial. Everything should be fine.

I log onto facebook and see I have a new public subscriber. I very, very rarely share anything publicly, so normally I wouldn't have even noticed. But I had a weird feeling. So my new subscriber is my WH initials and his last name. No friends. Only following me. Obviously, it's him. I've blocked it, but just what the hell?

He's DESPERATE to get a fix off you. You were definitely right to block that user.

jenn, i was catching up on your thread and really starting to worry about you. then i hit this part:


there's fight in the old girl yet! keep up the good work. withdrawal is hard, even when they are total poop heads. it gets better. keep the focus on YOU.

Jen that's so, so common! You've read the craziest words out of a wayward's piehole thread, you know they all say the same stuff, do the same things, work from the same map.

You make up half his needs-addiction. He needs his fix of you, without giving up his other fixes. Waywards will do anything to get past the IM and get that fix.

Thats why all BSs in Plan B have to seal up ALL potential holes tight. You sound like you're on the case.

Ok, so I need help. No idea what to do.

Doorbell rings, I look out all the windows but don't see a car. It's WH. He hid his car up the road, so I'd answer the door.

He's so sorry. Wants to come back. Been going crazy. Blah, blah, blah. I'm just sort of frozen looking at him. Like a deer in headlights.

Finally, I told him that he knew what I needed for him to return. No contact. Facebook blocks. New cell phone number. Moving home. No more friends that don't respect my marriage. No going to bars without me. No coming home at 4am. etc, etc, etc.

Swears to all of it. Except the cell phone number. Claims he can block them, but changing his number will be too hard with work. I don't really buy that.

I sort of let him just keep talking. Attempting to judge internally what was the truth and what was just gas lighting. I think he truly wants to come home. I don't think he feels remorse though. I think he'll try to work on our marriage, but I'm not convinced that without remorse he won't be tempted to do it again.

Honestly, though all this, as much as I want my husband back, I flat out refuse to go back to the way things were. I looked at him and just couldn't decide whether to try to make this work with him or to just let him go completely and return to Plan B. Finally, I agreed to resume the discussion after I had time to think (and mostly talk to you guys), but made clear that if the conversation didn't show that we were going to make real changes, that I would not go back to the way things were - that I would rather stay dark.

He revealed that this weekend he got (another) DUI. I think this may be a motivating factor. I expected it. Part of the hitting rock bottom his lifestyle was headed for. But am unsure it's enough to make him really regret the things that led up to it. I'm not sure he's fallen low enough.

I just don't know what to do. Advice or insight would be hugely appreciated right now.

Keep up Plan B. Go dark until he is willing to do ALL that you have asked.

He will agree to anything, but once he is in the door, well...unless your bar is high, he will do nothing.

Jennifer, the fact that he circumvented your Plan B to make contact should tell you all you need to know about his sincerity and remorse. If he were truly remorseful and repentant he would have contacted your IM instead of doing it HIS way. He is simply trying to control you and make you crumble. I wouldn't even think about discussing this with him any further than you already have if were you.

JMO, but you need to go back dark

I pulled my my list of EPs, both short term and long term. I'm going to send them to him and get a response as to whether he will do everything or not.

If he isn't willing to meet every one, I'll tell him that I need EVERY one met before I will feel comfortable moving forward. Anything other than absolute agreement and I'll cut off the communication and resume Plan B until he can prove he has done everything I asked.

Listen to this radio clip. It is Dr H telling what a WH needs to do to show he id serious about recovery and add that as an EP.
Radio clip of whay a WH needs to do

Maybe I'm just in a mood today, but my response would have been "This isn't an effing negotiation" and involved slamming the door right then and there.

If I were you, I would just decide right now NOT to do anything with this and remain dark while you get your thoughts together. The last thing you want to do is shoot off a response today and then try to muddle your way through it.