woohoo! Great few days...you guys are making progress! Have a great weekend!!

That is wonderful Zhamila, so glad things are looking up for you. Hope you get in some good UA time over the week-end.
RC

Thanks TisMeAgain and RC! It was a pretty good weekend.

I asked him today how I'm doing. He said overall well, getting better on the ENs. He couldn't really remember any LBs except what happened this morning (which I don't think is a LB) - so we're gonna ask Steve Wednesday. Here's what happened:

We were in bed relaxing at 6:30 am after some romantic time. He asked me what time we're going to leave for church, and started naming the time he wanted to leave. (This stresses me out...he has AOs when we don't leave when he wants to leave) I said, "I don't really want to talk about that right now. I'd really like to relax and enjoy this moment." He said, "It's important to me. Don't you care?" I said "I know it's important to you. But I don't enjoy talking about when we're leaving for church, three hours from now. I'd really like to enjoy this time together."

He says it's a LB that I didn't want to talk to him about the time. I told him it stresses me out to talk about this stuff: he does it a lot, in fact he just now came into the room to find out when we're going to get the kids tonight, when we should leave for the airport tomorrow, when I'm going to wake up in the morning, etc. he got his answers then left. I don't like it.

"Whine-fest" If you don't want to read me whine, just skip to the next post:

I am hurt that he didn't ask me how he is doing meeting my ENs & avoiding LBs. I'm trying not to let it discourage me. Ick.

I asked SH what we do when the other guy doesn't ask. He said I'm responsible for me - not my spouse. True.

But it still hurts, doggone it.

OK, I gotta look at my checklist again and focus on working this program. I can't sit around looking for results - I have to focus on doing my part, "creating that environment."

BTW, Thanks for the radio clips, Brainhurts! I listened, will listen again and try to get your point - unless you want to explain it to me!

Signing off, going to do my job.

Zhamilla, I am reading these last few posts as: I don't want to give him what he asks for (a time), but I get mad when he doesn't give me what I don't ask for but secretly want (him to ask how he's doing).

You are going to get NOWHERE like that, dear.

I like to know when we are going somewhere, and feel unsettled if it is vague and open. Something like church is something that happens at the same time every week...poja a regular leave-time and be done with that discussion forever! If I were you, I would ask your husband if it would helpful to create a family calendar where you guys can just write this stuff down. But I like to know when stuff is going on...I get that you care a little less than I, or your H.

This is an easy thing for you to do to meet his needs. Let him know that his AOs bother you when things don't go as scheduled, and that you will do your absolute best to stay on schedule, but the AOs must stop.

Do you care what time things happen?

Dr. Harley said a good spouse learns to be a good salesman. It's all in the way we approach our spouse with the things we want. That's the point I was trying to make. It's your job in how you approach and ask him what it is you need. Isn't this what Steve is telling you also?

Do you tell him when he says/does something that hurts you? He can't read your mind.

Here's another good radio clip on complaining in a M.
Radio clip on complaining in a Marriage

Z -

Like CWMI and your H, I too like to have times planned. I really like CWMI's suggestion of a calendar. I recently started this with my husband and it helped him be more thoughtful and considerate of me when planning his time.

Something else to consider .... Your H is doing the program, he is speaking to Steve regularly, and he is showing progress. This is really the best case scenario, no one flips a switch and becomes a different person overnight. In one post you mention progress and in the next you sound like nothing has changed and like you are feeling low and defeated. I wonder what impact those low moments have on your husband's enthusiasm and motivation to work on the marriage.

The way I understand it is that we are to work on our checklist, do what's on them without fail, ask how we are doing with LBs and ENs. We are not to give unsolicited advice about our needs. We need to hang in there and rather work against our emotions to stay on task. I feel what you're saying, Z, and it seems to be a most delicate and difficult job to do. For now, maybe we can satisfy the taker by voicing what withdraws so that our giver is "allowed" to meet ENs, as well as becoming better at meeting those needs until we are experts. Even then, there are no guarantees for us. That's the risk we are taking.

Good point, Penni. I will look on the bright side.

I like your poja idea, CWMI.

To answer you: no, it is not important to me when things happen, especially things on the weekends.

You said, "It is an easy thing for you to do to meet his needs." But unfortunately, it doesn't feel easy to me. Maybe it's easy for people who like having things all planned out - but it feels stressful for me. I feel forced into a schedule, which is unpleasant.

I'm not sure how to navigate this one. I'll keep thinking about it.

Thanks BrainHurts!

I like the part about being a good salesperson in marriage. I definitely need to work on my approach.

I do tell him when something bothers me - in fact I told him this whole thing later & we had a nice conversation about how he did last week. He was a very good listener and I was grateful and impressed.

I'll listen to that radio clip too, thanks again!

Wow, Lifelong! Thank you for your empathetic response!

You are right - I need to keep working on my checklist and not worry so much about his. When I stay really focused on doing my job, I sort of forget to worry about his job - it works when I actually do it.

I want to be good at meeting his ENs. I want to be good at avoiding LBs.

And I like what you said about satisfying the 'taker' so we can clear the path for the 'giver' to give.

If it is not important to you when things happen, why not go with your husband's desires there?

It is important to him. That you feel forced into a schedule by pojaing a leave time for church screams IB Queen, and you can't tell me what to do, wahhhh!

Do you work? Have kids? Ever went to school? They all have schedules, did you buck them as hard as you are your husband?

CWMI is right, this is IB. If you say you feel forced into a schedule, it means that you don't want to agree to something with your husband and then have to follow through, you want to make decisions on your own. Your IB around scheduling is probably why your husband gets upset about it and tries really hard to nail you down to a time and plan. When you get better at this, he will too.

If you don't like planning, perhaps you could let him make the plan and then stick with it.

Z, I get what you're saying about the schedule. It's like yet another thing to bash your head in with. I remember those days. As if he said, "I'd like to set a time, that if the kids aren't ready, the sneering nasty monster will come out. What time would you like me to rein him in until?" Who would agree to like 9:30 or whatever? How about reframing it to think about what you *do* want? "I'd love to be out the door by 9:30, but I know our family isn't smooth sailing yet, so we'll wake the kids at 8, have breakfast on the table at 8:30, and if 9:30 comes and they're still getting dressed, how about we let them get dressed in the car today?"

New Every Day - exactly! It's another chance to punish me.

The other day he came up to the room bristling with anger about being late. He said, "You know how I get when we're late!" Very threatening. He stopped himself, but I'm not exactly inclined to give in to demands and angry outbursts.

CWMI & Penni - for me, this issue represents a whole spectrum of control issues in our relationship. I am a very organized person and perfectly capable to getting things done in a timely manner. However, I don't like being threatened and controlled. That's what this represents to me.

I am considering my role here, but I also know that Dr. Harley has said that when someone gets demanding and abusive, stop giving them what they want. Don't reward the abuse!

The Good News:

My H has been very affectionate and admiring this week. He is good at it, and we sometimes tease that he tries to squish all the affection into one minute so he can "check it off the list." But it's very nice. He gave me flowers, took me to dinner and we even sat outside, which I love. He planned a nice activity - the art fair. He said kind things, hugged me, held my hand, and snuggled me this week.

And he had conversations with me! He's been asking me what I'm thinking about, and truly listening. It's very nice!

So, this is all really good stuff.

The Other Good News:

I have been keeping up my checklist, too. He's told me I'm doing well, but to do things more times per day. So I am. I refined my checklist and I'm keeping up with it.

I've been finding things to admire, being more affectionate.

So I've seen real progress on the EN side, which is great.