Well here is my story. It sounds so much like others here, but still has its own differences. I had to cut down some of the history because it went too long (4 pages in Word!!), so here is a shorter verson, but still not short, ugh:

In February of 2011 I was trying to make family nights on Saturday. I would try to find a movie we could all watch and found the movie Up. I remember watching it with DS while H was around, drinking and smoking (I know, horrible that DS was there, but for us this was normal as he had done this for years whether it was a weekend or weekday). Of course I have to say I wasn�t innocent in not drinking at this time either, but by this time it was only on the weekends for me. Anyway, that movie made me cry. I looked at the couple in there and wished I had that with DH. It made me cry even harder that H made some comment about it being a stupid movie and why would I cry at something so dumb. I remember thinking what�s the point of us being together if he doesn�t get it. I was so miserable and lonely and tired of feeling not wanted because he did everything and when I would ask what I could help with he would say don�t worry about it he would do it.

At work I had been talking to an acquaintance. We began to talk more and I allowed myself to begin to bash DH to this person. I had known him since I began working at the company; he was in IT and always seemed nice and willing to help. He seemed like a good person and I began to have thoughts I should not have. He knew what questions to ask and what to say. I hadn�t heard anything nice or positive from DH in a long time and let this person do that. I began to dread going home every night with someone who didn�t seem to care about me, laughed at me, was an addict, and said hurtful things (one time he told our son that maybe his new daddy would take him to the park, another time he told our son they were going to go to the store to look for a new mommy, all which he said pre A).

Eventually it turned physical. I remember being so sick about it. I lost 10lbs, and felt such guilt, but when I would be at home all I would hear was the negative things so I justified it. Before the A turned physical DH had decided to go back to school and get certified. He said then (and still does to this day) that the only reason he did it is because I forced him. I was always telling him to finish what he started and how I wanted him to be home in the summers for DS. Because of this H stopped getting high, but still drank just as much. I continued in my fog but began to think that it was a mistake and I needed to end it, but couldn�t figure out how. I knew DH would find out eventually, he suspected something and asked me if there was something going on, but I lied.

Finally on 8/12/11, I was typing an email to OM and DH saw it. I tried to cover it up, but knew I was found out. I confessed the entire thing to him. It was like a weight was gone. Everything hit the fan that night. DH took my phone and left the house. He called almost everyone, my family, his family, some of his friends, my boss and a couple co workers. I left the house with DS, dropped him off at the in-laws and stayed at my sister�s house. The next day he went to OM�s house and confronted him and his wife. At the time I thought DH was crazy and how could call all of those people and go to their house, but after reading a lot on this site I see that he did the right thing and am thankful he did. I went home the next day and we began to talk. That was the last day he had anything to drink and began to turn everything around. We went to �MC� but since he made the appointment they focused on him and his addiction more than what was wrong with us. She went on to tell him what I did was because of his addiction. I really don�t think that is correct since it was something I did to us, not him. During this time DH told me the reason he quit his internship 8 years before was because there was a coworker that he had developed an EA with (he claims it was one sided and it never became physical) and he didn�t want to do anything to hurt our marriage. He also told me that he had medical problems at that time, but didn�t want me to know. According to him the OW (can I call her that?) wanted to quit her job and take care of him. So it seems she knew more than me.

During this time I was still in contact with OM. Not like before, but still in contact. We texted a couple of times about a show and he texted me a couple times in the morning, which I responded to. However, DH didn�t know about the texts. On 9/16/12 OM called me, I missed the call and called him back and we talked a little. He told me he was in MC and that he realized that he had made a mistake and that it was over. I told DH about the phone call and we sent a NC letter and I have not heard from or seen him since.

After the dday 2, DH and I started going out on dates, something we had not done since DS was born. We enjoyed our time and the SF was better than ever (it had become a routine same time once a week). He would even come to bed at night at the same time I did (he had been sleeping (or passing out) on the couch since I was pregnant, and even if he did come to bed, there was a pillow between us). We seemed to be back on the right track, and then Thanksgiving weekend DH got the phone records and saw the texts from September. That was a horrible weekend. I pointed out to him that there were no more texts, or calls and that I have maintained NC. It hasn�t been the same between us since.

The last 6 months or so have been filled with arguments, and what seems to be half-hearted trying to put things back together. I came to this site at the end of February after a night of feeling sorry for myself and being ignored by DH. I knew there were people out there that were in the same situation. I have been reading posts since then and it has helped me see what I did to my DH, DS, and my marriage. I have had discussions with DH on how he feels, and has felt for so many years. I realize now that I had what I always wanted a husband that loves me and wants me with him. I asked him yesterday if he will be willing to work on this and he has told me that he is willing to do whatever it takes. I guess I thought it would be easy, but now know that it will be work to get some, if any of the previous relationship back.

There are days where it is hard to let go of past feelings, but I am trying. We have such a long history together and it is hard to do that. It is hard to not read into a comment that he makes like �I think today I�m going to meet someone who will change my life�. What is that supposed to mean? So I freak out and walk away from him because I think it means he is out looking for something else. He says he�s not that I am his one and only, but that is so hard to believe because he looked into setting up an account on Match.com. I also found hidden email accounts, and he set up a FB page. He never had one before. I had deleted mine after DDay 1, but have reactivated it so I can be listed as his wife on there. That�s probably not a good thing to do, but I don�t think there is any reason for him to have one and he won�t delete it. He has always said he is a bad person to make angry because he gets revenge, so now I am all paranoid he will have a RA. He says he won�t, but I always said I wouldn�t do what I did.

So now on to the hard work, trying to work through all of this and come out the other side together. As I keep telling him let�s make 2012 the beginning our next 20 and 12 and to make it better than before so it lasts forever.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Which MB books have you purchased/read?

Start with SAA (Surviving an Affair).

What in hell are you arguing about?
And has this pattern of arguing restored your love for each other?

No, of course not.

I guess it's MB 101 for you.

For starters .....

MB basic concepts POJA = policy of joint agreement (no more arguments/resentments/sacrificing) Making important decisions ONLY when you are BOTH enthusiastic about the choice you are making

MB basic concepts PORH = policy of radical honesty (NOT brutal honesty) You cannot POJA without PORH.

MB basic concepts UA time = Policy of undivided attention a minimum 15 hours a week !

This is just for starters.

You need SAA.

Thanks!

We haven't read any yet. Just starting to get our feet wet. I was planning on ordering some this weekend. I did print some questionnaires off the website and want to get those done this weekend as well. BH made the comment that he thought I was going to get him to do paper work last night, but I told him that we will have to do that when we have time, I don't want to rush through them. Week days are crazy for us right now.

Here on MB, we do not sugar-coat things.

Allow me to translate the above quote.

"During this time I was a lying/sneaking/conniving/dishonest/adulterous wayward wife."

The following 'disclaimer' means NOTHING.

These sort of weasel words are lies you tell yourself to keep you from recognizing the actual depth of your sins.
We want you to heal and recover, so we point out to you when you tell yourself fibs.

OK?

Welcome to Marriage Builders !!!

I see that the arguments aren't helping us, and want to change that. Some seem to be so small like what are we going to do with our time (cleaning or going somewhere) to bigger, like why do you have secret email accounts.

This is a pattern we have been in for years even pre A. I would point it out to him and he would say that it would get better. My point to him now is it didn't get better and look what happened. Time for something new.

Marriage recovery should be your priority.
Not an afterthought.

It's funny (not really?) that you say that about the lying, etc. When I was typing that I knew how it would be received and I deserve all that gets thrown at me.

I don't think you realized I created 3 links to get you started.


For starters .....

CLICK LINK ~~~> MB basic concepts POJA = policy of joint agreement (no more arguments/resentments/sacrificing) Making important decisions ONLY when you are BOTH enthusiastic about the choice you are making

CLICK LINK ~~~> MB basic concepts PORH = policy of radical honesty (NOT brutal honesty) You cannot POJA without PORH.

CLICK LINK ~~~> MB basic concepts UA time = Policy of undivided attention a minimum 15 hours a week !

You 'deserve' the TRUTH!
You will appreciate this more as time goes on.

PS: We call this sort of help ~~~> of truth !

Hang in there.

Keep posting.

Progress, not perfection, yanno?

POJA will absolutely fix this.
It is a skill that does NOT come by instinct.
It must be practiced.
Becoming a POJA Ninja is like winning the marriage happiness lottery !

You are right, it should be my priority, which is what I am making it starting today. There is nothing more important to me than my family. It is horrible that it took such a horrible act for me to discover that.

So that being said, I will sit DH down tonight after dinner and will have him complete what I printed out yesterday. I will alos use the links on your post.

I need that kind of help. I have seen it on other posts and see how it has helped others.

Thanks, I will give a progress report once I have done my homework.

I listened to the radio show from yesterday and Dr. H dsicussed the POJA. I really like the idea of it and think it is something we have been lacking.

One ongoing argument has always been doing things (holidays, etc.) with my family. I know that the POJA will help us get through those times.

I am looking forward to that!

Oh, and BTW, Pepperband, I really like the link to the notable posts in your signature line. I have just skimmed the surface of them, and look forward to reading the rest.

I am determined to get through WPG's posts first though.

If I may, Pep, here's a slightly more specific characterization..
Becoming a POJA Ninja is like winning the marriage happiness lottery !

NT&T, it has been my experience here that the length of a WS's initial post is directly related to the trouble that person will go to to obfuscate/alibi the situation.

Would it be fair to summarize your story as follows:

Unhappy with your marriage for a number of reasons, and not knowing how to address those with your husband, you turned to another man for your emotional needs. It inevitably turned physical, and your husband discovered your affair. He (instinctively?) performed an effective exposure, but even at that, you could not on your own, end it with POSOM. Since POSOM ended it, you and your BH are experiencing recurrent bouts of anger/resentment, and you want to know how to start on a more effective path of marriage recovery.

How's that?

Thanks NG.
I was too lazy to look for this one.

NeverGuessed,

Yes, that would be a fair summation.

I think I tend to look at what happend in the past to justify what I did, but I know that nothing justifies it.

I guess I can only say I wanted to get as must info in there as possible and tend to put in WAY more detail than I need to. This is a problem for me when I am telling stories in person too.

This is an excellent read.
A Recovery Guide for a WW

BrainHurts,

Thanks for the link. I have been trying to read all I can for posts by FWWs and BHs.