Of course you can. I would have suggested that you do.

I found the most effective way to explain to people, especially ones that I didn't tell about MB(IL's, mutual friends, etc), I ask them not to tell me things about WH because it is too painful. That usually gets them onboard.

Potentially European friends are in contact with him... I don't know. I have asked them not to mention him whatsoever to me, so they may be but may not. Last I heard was after initial exposure that they couldn't get hold of him and he wouldn't return messages.

The other's are in-laws. Although from recent actions by them I think they are all starting to see Gollum as he truly is and will respect my request.

I'm wading through email addy's and transferring contacts, geez I wish I was more IT competent. Its taking me HOURS! And I still have more to do. I know there is probably an easier way, guess I'll discover that after I've finished

I visited some solicitors today, booked an appointment for next week. There is certainly no complimentary initial consultation in my town, I couldn't even get past the receptionists (although the one I booked I glimpsed walk past).

I was told to take along any financial docs. I don't really have many. Gollum was very quick to clear out all of his papers before D Day, but I'll take what I can.

Will I need his address? As far as I know he does not have a solicitor (yet). My Plan B as far as contact with Gollum is dark, so I don't even know if his phone number is the same.

Here is the thing. I don't want to know where he lives. I don't want the questions that will come up if I know he is back in Aus. I just don't want to know, either way.

Same in my town, so I made the decision to travel further afield. You need someone good and anyone refusing to give you a free half hour is avoiding being interviewed by you in my opinion.

Once youve met with them, everything can usually be done via phone and email so they dont have to be close.


I just gave my solicitor his 'last known address' i.e. his parents' house, and I let her track him down. I assume his parents forwarded the solictor's letter to him.

Or you could just try giving her his email address or the phone number of a relative who can put her in reach of him.

Email addy changed, along with all connected accounts. Phew, glad thats done.

Feeling a bit knackered after all of that, especially since friends and I tore up the dance floor last night.

Solicitor appointment this week, I really want to start getting things organised.

That is some excellent Plan Bing!

Thanks Indie, the encouragement keeps me going!

A dip in the coaster today. Actually felt really teary for a bit and wasn't sure why.

I've thought about it and put it down to a few things.

Changing the email addy is part of it, a big part.

Also, I had to renew an annual membership today, and rang to ask them to remove Gollum from it. I had flashbacks to how excited I was when I joined this membership last year.

And I had a conversation with a 21-year-old colleague at work that made me feel OLD. I was talking about Nirvana, and she asked if the song on the radio was by them. It was actually by Queen. It got me thinking too much about Gollum's affair.

Keep snapping that rubber band Caracal!!!

On a plus, I just spoke with a friend, head to toe spa treatment coming up along with a weekend of wining and dining!

What is it with me lately??? I think I am anticipating the divorce papers being served anytime soon. Maybe that is it.

I always expected Gollum would beat the legal date in an attempt to rush through the divorce. More so now that Horse Ho is pregnant and I expect he is trying to make the OC legitimate by divorcing me and marrying her. Needless to say, I am jittery. In anticipation. Even before the OC, I expected I would have had the divorce papers by now, and was prepped for battle. So the delay is leaving me very un-Art-Of-War style. I am now WAITING.

The good thing is, I have had support flooding in since I changed my email addy. It was unexpected, which always makes it nicer.

Maybe your lovebank is going into the red?

Hang tough because you're doing so well and are so much stronger from when you first got here. I call that a MB success.

Thanks BH, I am much stronger than when I first go here. I know that.

My lovebank? I don't know. I know there have been changes. The other day I asked my parents to change where the spare key is kept. My mum asked why, and I said Gollum might decide to take what he wants from the house, rather than go through a solicitor. My mother agreed that the man he was now, with no morals, just might do that. I realised then that I am becoming accustomed to who Gollum is.

I still have a lot of hurt inside me. Still elements of disbelief that the man I spent 18 years with could treat me this way. But he has. I am grateful for finding MB, because without it I really don't know where I would be, and how on earth I would have made sense of things.

I still love who my H was. I am coming to terms with the fact that maybe I always will. And maybe that is a blessing rather than a curse as I once thought it. I think, in time, I will be able to look at our memories as they were; overall, happy memories. Whereas Gollum will have to continue rewriting or ignoring them.

I am starting to see that maybe, in the long term, he has lost more than I have.

My biggest sticking point with this is that Gollum is having a child. Selfish, but he gets to become a father. Whereas I am still mourning the fact I may miss out on becoming a mother.

Sorry for the ramblings, I'm finding writing this is my venting post about now!

(((Caracal))) You HAVE grown since coming to MB. I've seen it and noticed. I may not get to post much, but I sure read and try to keep up. Vent away! Okay, done. Now back to your personal recovery towards MB rock stardom!

You are still quite young to be thinking about not having a child. Don't give up!

Thanks for the encouragement pm, I often feel on MB I am a very slow learner but am at least glad to be here and I am learning.

When I give advice IRL, I can see how much I have grown. I know other people see it too. Even those who wish I would just "get over it". Even my parents congratulated me the other day on not falling into the rebound relationship as others we know have. This from my father, who was trying to get me dating weeks after D Day!!!

I WILL be a rock star.

Thanks karma, I need reminding of this sometimes. I just feel that biological clock ticking, even when with H. Since I recognise I am not even anywhere near ready to date and besides, am still married, I worry I will miss my chance. Knowing there is an OC likely does not help.

I won't give up. I am thinking much more rationally... post D Day I immediately started discussing sperm banks!!!

If this proceeds and divorce follows, you can always adopt or do the sperm bank thing.

It's a perfectly normal thing to think of, but perhaps not right after D-Day. Then again, no BS is completely rational after D-Day!

Hi Caracal thought I'd stop by your thread to see how you were doing.

I understand how you feel. Thats what I struggle with, how badly they treat you particularly given the length of both our marriages. Understanding the pyschology behind it helps come to terms with it but it doesn't lessen the pain. I believe its normal to have times of disbelief, its not denial its just trying to reconcile the person you knew and loved with the alien they have become.

Affairs suck, they are not fair for anyone involved. OW/OM steal spouses, lifestyles and identities. I feel your pain regarding her pregnancy, this would be very hard to come to terms with. I wish there was something I could say or do that could help. You do have the strength to face this.

Apart from the helpful advice, I found the support from people who have walked in our shoes and really understand so valuable. Its good to have a safe place where you can express your feelings.

caracal, i have just finished reading all of your thread. it's taken me all week! i don't know what to say, other than (((((caracal)))))

i understand your decision to re-expose, and also agree that it wasn't PB. however, now that you have the info (and i am so sorry to hear of OC), you need to get back in the dark. have you decided you're definitely going to plan d? i also agree that a dark PB is the best way to handle D. having an amicable divorce is an oxymoron, which i think you get, even though half the world is deluding itself otherwise!

you *really* need to stop worrying about what gollum is doing/thinking/going to do in the future/etc, etc. he needs to take up zero space in your head from now on. you are doing such a great job putting yourself back together and making your own life. and how exciting about the trip to china! are you going to be able to see the terracotta warriors? someone i know has just returned from them and i am dying to see the pix. have you even been to nz?

your thread is such a valuable resource to others. thanks for continuing to post. and super-thanks for the posting in my own thread.

((((caracal))))

ps: my toenails are sangria - what colour are yours? :O)

Thanks Letty. Wow, you read the whole thread... I remember reading throuth Scotland's, took me a long time.

As for Plan D... not sure. In the last two weeks, there have been fleeting thoughts of filing. More to do with the mockery Gollum has made of marriage what with an A and an OC. I am not ready yet though. Despite everything Gollum has done, I still have a high LB$ for who my H was. I just know he no longer exists.

The decision will likely be made for me. Gollum can file from 18.05. I know I am strong enough now to be okay with this. I like that I have stood for our marriage, and done what is right.

You're right Letty, I still let Gollum live in my head rent free. Some of this has been processing recently... the shock of confirming Horse Ho is 21 and is now pregnant has worn off. I feel a lot of disgust for Gollum. I want him out of my head.

This has veered me into wayward thoughts of late. Lucky for me I found MB, I am aware of the signs and have pulled myself up on it. I do not want to use another person as a band-aid.

I am going to see the terracotta warrior, and the great wall! I have been to NZ, but only the north island. I was only 16 at the time and was super excited, although I got dreadfully sea-sick (the one and only time in my life) in the Bay of Islands. Loved rotorua (sp?) and this inspired me to go to Iceland in more recent years.

My toenails are NAKED!!! Because I got back from a weekend of pampering at a spa, massages and facials, aaah bliss. I knew I was super relaxed when during a massage I actually started dribbling on my pillow!

China sounds awesome. I've read lots of great autobiographies based on life in China and am interested in Chinese antiques etc.

If ever you have the opportunity you should travel around the Sth Island .... awesome scenery and friendly people. The Otago Peninsula has to be one of the most beautiful places in the world. Central Otago is also spectacular particularly in Autumn.

None of us know the what the future holds, but at least we can hold our heads high and know that we have done everything to stand for our marriage and are willing to rebuild and even better marraige. We have all grown from our experiences and become better people.

Recommendations? I always like to read some good books before and during my travels.

I have read Wild Swans, which I loved and plan on re-reading. Any other suggestions are welcome...