Jennifer, I am glad that you were quiet because of no internet. We get worried around here when someone is quiet, because it usually means that they decided to do their own thing, and not follow MB.

You handled your WH great. Next time he ambushes you, you say, "Are you willing to do everything I ask and need from you?" If he says anything other than "Yes.", you say, "Contact the IM when you are ready." And you walk away.

You already know that he is balking at your requirements, so let him figure out what he is gonna do.

You left of NCL to OW's. I really think you should include NCL's and NC for LIFE with OWs.

Also, look at him giving up FB as JC. It shouldn't be anymore difficult than not going out without you. It is extremely dangerous for your WH to continue to be on FB.

You do have something he will care about losing should you divorce. Your children. Have him sign a post nup that states that he will give you full custody of your children, with child support, and spousal support. This of course would only be told to him if he were to agree to your EP's.

You did AMAZING while you didn't have access to MB. Now get dark.

Oh, and the next time he shows up at your home, phone the police. It will only take him once(or twice if he's really thick) to get the hint that he needs to stay away.

And about the DUI. People who don't have a problem with drinking don't get DUI's, let alone more than one. He has a problem drinking.

I think I quit. All this talk about EPs and the things I would require for reconciliation just sort of drives the point home - that he's not going to change and that he's going to keep pushing back - never remorseful and never willing to take responsibility for his actions and do the things necessary to make me feel more secure.

I really just don't want to drag this out anymore. Plan B isn't effective because nothing will stop him from just showing up somewhere, be it my home or anywhere else he knows I'll be. I know now that he's never going to care what I need and I can't focus on me and the kids if I'm always worrying about him popping up and catching me off guard.

I need to personally recover and I don't think I'll ever be able to do that while reconciliation is still on the table - in contact or not. I'm going to ask, beg, plead, whatever it takes to get my parents to cover any lawyer fees I incur and file for divorce while hoping they'll be able to just charge my WH.

It's sad, because I truly believe in MB. Because of it, I know I did everything I could. Plan A worked as much as it could have and I know that because that's the girl my WH remembered and wanted to return to. Plan B showed me I could survive without my WH and be better off. It may not have changed him, but it at least gave me the strength to say no more. The problem is that reconciliation was never an option because our problems (being his cheating and lying) go back to day one of our relationship. I just didn't know it at the time. I was desperate to find a fix because I couldn't make it without him, and I know now that I don't need him and that there can't be a fix for someone who was never the guy he claimed to be.

I still recommend you stay in Plan B if you decide to go on with divorce. It's for your safety of mind and staying away from the drama.

Not true. In Plan B, you will still have Personal recovery, and the longer you are in PB, the more emotionally ready you will be for a D. Divorce isn't easy on you. Get yourself heald enough to deal with it.

You are pretty new into PB. Give it a chance to do its thing. You can still file for a D in a few months.

Stick with the plans. Tomorrow(or even a few hours from now), you could be missing your WH so badly that you would consider loosening your EP's. Just post on here, and we'll give you that encouragement and direction you need.

And put a peephole in your door if you cannot otherwise tell who is there.

All you need is a drill, a bit and about five minutes. Ask a neighbor to help you out if need be.

That's exactly what I said this time. And he said yes. And then, not so much.



Those were left off the list because I've already stated many, many times that he wasn't to attempt reconciliation until that was already agreed upon. Being that he went right over to OW1's house after swearing no contact and begging for the chance to do what I require tells me pretty much all I need to know. He's never going to give them up. Only continue to lie about it.


While I totally agree with you, he won't do it. Making any talk of reconciliation pointless.


And tell them what? That my husband who I'm not even legally separated from (since that doesn't exist in my state) is at the house he still technically lives in? That he has not touched me or abused me in any way? And that I want him removed immediately although I have no legal grounds for it? I don't see that working in my favor at all. That's looking way more sarcastic than I mean it to. I just honestly don't see how that could not blow up in my face.



I really wish that were true. Alcohol addiction is something I could understand and deal with. I've been through it with family. This is stupidity and entitlement. A complete lack of fear. Having absolutely no concern for himself or how his actions effect others. Removing the alcohol won't change that.

You tell them that you are alone with your kids, are pregnant and not feeling well at all and that your estranged husband, who left you and the kids for another woman, is yelling and banging on your door and that you are scared for your safety. That you would really appreciate them sending someone out because this is scaring the children.

No need to get into a long dissertation with them, and no need to lie, either, but the above should be sufficient.

Jennifer, what is your plan here exactly?

Have you read other people's threads? Do you know what PB looks like? You will see that your feelings will have you going back and forth, not quite sure what it is that you want.

You don't have to have those EPs and requirements for things that your WH WILL do, you need to have them for what YOU WILL NEED. It isn't about him anymore.

Everyday, when I wake up, I deal with what is in front of me. My WH isn't attempting recovery, so that isn't on the table, for today. Today, I get through making the best life I can for myself and my boys. Does that mean that tomorrow I might not have to deal with possible recovery? Nope, just not today.

I've already been going thorough that on and off all day. That little voice in the back of my head telling me to take what he's offered because at least it's better than what he's given in the past and that I know he won't do what all I ask anyway, so waiting is dumb.

I don't want to do that. I'm almost positive I can keep myself from contacting him and taking what's he's offered, but that tiny bit of doubt I have in myself is enough to make me want to just go for the divorce instead.

A great idea - if I owned this place. Drilling a hole in the front door would not go over well and best case scenario, probably cost me the price of a new door.

It wouldn't hurt to ask the landlord, though.

He comes while the children are at school. He doesn't bang on the door or yell. He comes like a poor abused puppy begging for love. I doubt the police will believe I fear for anyone's safety.

Jen,

Just a question, you say your DD's are in school during the day. Do you mean daycare? Aren't they 4 and 2? Why don't you cut that out/back and save the money for your phone and food, etc.?

ba

My plan is to get the divorce.

I've been reading other people's threads since well before I posted my own story. That's why I posted and why I know that MB works for people. Unfortunately, I haven't seen it work towards reconciliation for people with unremorseful serial cheating WHs.

I know a lot of people have come out of Plan B with a wonderful personal recoveries, but that's months or years down the line and they still aren't divorced and still in Plan B because they're open to marriage recovery one day. I don't want to be open to marriage recovery next month, never mind next year. I don't want to have him come back all remorseful 6 months from now thinking he can be with us now that he's gotten his cheating binge out of his system. I just don't see the point of trying for personal recovery when months from now he can just pop back into my life and muck up whatever progress I've made.

Plan B is about him, because it gives him a way back. For this to be about me, I need to shut the door completely. Get the divorce, be done with him, and finally be able to focus on a life without him.

That I can, and will, do.

They only just went back after I kicked my WH out. I don't have any babysitters during the day, so they go 3 days a week now just so I can get to my various doctor's appointments and other things I can't get done with them in tow. My 4 year old goes to kindergarten in September and most kids in the area that haven't gone to preschool end up having to stay back and do that year twice.

It's also their summer camp/swimming lessons/etc. that I would rather not take away from them if I don't absolutely have to. And I'm scheduling my c-section around their school days because I have no one to watch them during the day while I'm at the hospital.

I'm also supposed to be taking classes this summer, if I ever get tax money to pay for them.

All I'm hearing form you Jen is concentration on what HE thinks.

"He's never going to do it... He's never going to change...hell never agree to that...."

So what?

Two huge problems with this point of view.

A) You have no idea what an addict will or will not do in the future. Sometimes, over time, living in the gutter makes you wise up. While addicted, no he will never agree to those EPs. That is the whole POINT of those EPs. His refusal ensures your IM keeps him away from you. So what if he refuses them? So what if he remains an addict? That's part of your plan. Your plan covers that eventuality. You will heal with or without him - away from the drama.

B) What does his opinion of what YOU need have to do with you stating for the record what YOU need? His opinion is neither here nor there. They are YOUR boundaries and they explain to the addict that he cannot keep barging into your home and your world while he refuses to do what YOU need. Please keep your focus on YOU. And call the cops if he harasses you at home.




We've all felt this way. He's your husband. You have a lovebank for him and that isn't going away over night.

I've filed for a D. Trust me, it is not a magic button that will make you speed through withdrawal and suddenly feel decided, strong and sure.

The only way to get through withdrawal and freeze your lovebank is to keep up No Contact. Over time you stop feeling this way. Your bar for recovery gets higher. And in no contact he can't manipulate you into settling for crumbs.

Divorce if you want to, but keeping contact will hurt your health and its worrying.

Let your IM deal with his nonsense

jenn, i am really worried about you. you sound very, very depressed. refresh my memory: are you able to take ADs while pregnant?

do get your to-do list going, with contacting landlord for peephole at the very top. i don't see any landlord refusing, and you don't even need to give a reason! though if you feel you must, just stating that as a woman living alone with small children, and pregnant, you need to have one. period. remember, taking even the smallest of actions gives you a feeling of control over your life.

thinking of you,
(((JIL)))

Hi Jennifer,

I really feel for you, and where you are now. I think I posted it earlier, but my first husband left me for a mistress when I was pregnant with DD2. It was excruciating. After he moved out of the place we had together, I ended up moving 1000 miles away back home with my mom, which in and of itself was difficult because of her issues, but it allowed me to enter a plan B of sorts (long before I knew of MB). I stopped having contact with him, if he called to talk to our dd, I avoided the phone, etc. I will have to say, that the time I was doing my own version of "plan A" living nearby him while he was actively engaged in an affair was sooooooo much worse than when I moved away and got my mental distance. This is what plan B lets you do, concentrate on YOU. Not him and what he'll do...you've put out your list of conditions and even if he was willing to agree to all of them, you would still have your right to reject that offer. But it lets you have peace to start concentrating on you.

So, Jennifer, what did you do today to take care of yourself? And what are you planning tomorrow to take care of yourself?

(just as an aside, one thing I've been doing for myself the last couple of months, is buying flowers to put on the table. I figure no one else is going to buy be flowers, and they really are lovely, and every time I look at them, I know I am loving myself. The kids love it too and I think it is good for them to see that it doesn't take someone else to give you permission to do things you enjoy and that make you happy...you can do that regardless of what anyone else is doing.)

Peace...

Some fantastic Plan B ideas.