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#2620133 04/28/12 04:42 PM
Joined: Apr 2012
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I'm considering divorcing. It's horrible, I know. He's deployed. I'm a medical professional, divorced then remarried to a military man with two kids of my own and full custody. He has one child and visitation every other weekend. We were dating for a year and a half and got married. He made my coffee every morning, which was a whole lotta love deposits. He deployed 3 months after the wedding. Since we got married, his ex agreed to visitation with me and we have a court order and I thought it would be nice to continue our relationship during the deployment. Her mother is a narcissist. To prove it, she has accused 6 people in her lifetime of abuse/assault, been committed for attempted suicide, has a criminal public record of aggravated assault (I've seen it online), has 4 children altogether from 3 different men (my husband being the last), has had the state take away and then return her children on suspicion of child abuse. She's never had a job (GED), lives off the state and child support. My husband is a wonderful man. He is certainly a giver, but I cant help but feel that Ive been coerced into taking abuse from his daughters mother and become her next victim to the benefit of the lawyer, my husbands capacity to get increased custody, and his mother/sister's control as well. Im constantly insulted and manipulated via texts/email/regular mail/phone calls. If I dont put up with it, he loses the custody battle and I feel guilty that I would not have made that happen for the two of them, but Im tired of putting up with being put down. Just thoughts on your insights to my situation would be helpful.

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Welcome to marriage builders.

Deployments are so tough on families and there isn't really a good way around them.

I am confused some, who exactly is the narcissist? Your husband's ex-wife or her mother?

I would read up on parallel parenting with all associated parties. This way you remove yourself from the drama of his ex-wife.

Here is a good place to start reading about how parallel parenting works and can benefit your current marriage.

Parellel Parenting

As a military wife ... I strongly encourage you to be with other deployed wives and hang around those going through what you are going through. Deployments are difficult, and a strong support group is the only way to get yourself through the ups and downs.

You have a lot of love for your husband as described in your posts. I would not put divorce even on the radar because once he returns Marriage builders can build your union so strong you will be madly in love daily.

Dr. Harley recommends when soldiers return to have a vacation together with as much time to bond as possible.

You will make it through ... I know you are strong. Look into parallel parenting and see if that may fix some of the external stress invading your marriage.

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Sorry, to clarify: all of the "narcissism" is his ex.

I've been to those meetings....they just talk about whoever is not present. I don't mind that they talk about me.

We have no choice but to parallel parent, but I did notice there is a disclaimer that mentions "mental illness," which she has a history of and I now realize there's no hope. There's just a point where pain really sets in and you realize you're being abused and it's like "whoa, wait a minute! i don't put up with that!"

Ah well, martyrdom is not for me.

Hey, thanks for your reply!

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Originally Posted By: GrownWoman
Sorry, to clarify: all of the "narcissism" is his ex.

I've been to those meetings....they just talk about whoever is not present. I don't mind that they talk about me.

We have no choice but to parallel parent, but I did notice there is a disclaimer that mentions "mental illness," which she has a history of and I now realize there's no hope. There's just a point where pain really sets in and you realize you're being abused and it's like "whoa, wait a minute! i don't put up with that!"

Ah well, martyrdom is not for me.

Hey, thanks for your reply!


Parallel parenting will help you more than anything.

Is her mental illness diagnosed? Is she getting help? How is she able to parent? I would be very concerned about having children around a mentally ill person who is not getting help. Are you seeing effects on the children?

Please stay on top of this for the children's sake.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.




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