Here's some more good radio clips.
Radio clip on stopping DJ
Segment #2

Stop trying to analyze her and focus on being enjoyable to be around.

She was talking to me about getting divorced but still living together and raising the kids together. In her mind this is a win win situation.

I told her no, that we were going to have a romantic relationship or she was going to lose me and I wasn't going to be her friend. She says this is immature of me and wishes I could take emotions out of it and see the wisdom of this situation. She doesn't want to divorce because she doesn't want to hurt the kids and it would be difficult on our finances.

She feels that I making a demand and threatening her with punishment. Should I have not responded in this way?

I was also wondering if I should make sure my kids are aware of what is going on. I wouldn't want them to be blindsided if we were to seperate or divorce and from their perspective everything is just fine right now.

You didn't threaten her at all. You responded exactly how you should--you don't WANT to be her friend if you divorce, and you are NOT immature for not wanting to give such a horrible example to your kids.

And on getting divorced and living together--I bet she would expect to be able to cat around but you shouldn't do it, right? That's exactly the fantasy a wayward wants. They want to cheat and have you, never cheating, always at home, pining away.

How did you say it to her? I think you telling her that you will not "remain friends" if you get divorced is not wrong as long as you aren't screaming it and say it very calmly. You do need to make it clear you will not remain friends for the sake of the children. The best thing for the children is to have loving parents in the same home with a very loving marriage.

Ask her this. Why can't we create a M we both enjoy, being in love again is better than seperation or a D?

No your response was fine, she can't have her cake and eat it too.

She can't demand that you stick around as the celibate housemate that's absurd.

You're q right to say you won't be friends after the D. That's YOUR (very sane) decision.

Tell her she is free to make her decisions and you are free to make yours. If she doesn't choose a romantic relationship with you, you are within your rights to get a new life and to avoid the pain of continued contact with her.

There's a vast difference between telling her she 'should' do something and lecturing her about the consequences of the wrong decision regarding the family (selfish demand)

And telling her she is free to choose and allowing her to see the consequences of her decision on her own (finances and loss of family) - rather than an SD this is simply a healthy boundary of how you will allow people to treat you.

She then can't turn to you and demand you give up your chance of a life and forever dance to her tune.

If she doesn't like the choices of where she's headed,tough. she will have to try harder at making her marriage work.

Don't tell her she's making SDs or try to educate her though. Just stick to slogans and repeat them like a broken record.

Of course its emotional. You're my wife and I love you passionately.

You will never be just a friend to me.

I only talk marriage, I do not talk divorce.

Yes it is immature to allow an affair to destroy a marriage.

I will fight for this marriage.

I will fight for you.

I could never be near you without wanting to hold you

You are my wife and I love you the way a man loves a woman.

Etc.

Things seem worse than ever right now. Her emotional barriers are higher than they have ever been and she is cold to me.

I am resolved to wait this out and continue to be the best husband I can be and to convince her to give this relationship a chance.

Blaze in Plan A, its war. Don't expect sweetness. I am glad to hear your resolve.

Set your plan A deadline, its a total of six months for men. How long has it been already?

Remember you are giving HER a chance to convince you, but you have a deadline. Fill her lovebank in a calculating way with no expectation of getting yours filled.

What does your marriage coach think of the turn of events?

How have you been doing eliminating the SDs and instead telling her its her choice?

What has your coach said?

What are you doing to fix your DJ's and SD'S?
What are you doing to clean up your side of the street?

Blaze, how are you doing? I hope you have drawn a hard line about not staying in an unromantic marriage forever, for your own sake.

Don't forget (If you are still in plan A and not hurting yourself) to be spontaneous with her and fun to be around. You have been there for her during her weakest moments in her life. You deserve to be loved and treated well. She needs to know you are cognizant of your strengths.

So I don't think I was able to do Plan A well.

I think I was just in too much pain from the affair and that this was the second major one and that I did not understand how my failures as a husband led to it.

I basically backed off and joined her in emotional divorce.

My mental illness flared up again, nothing major, but afterwards I felt she was being downright hostile towards me. An email conversation about what was going on turned in to her telling me she is going to file for divorce.

I am disappointed but her prolonged state of emotional divorce and total lack of concern for the health of our marriage and disinterest in trying to make it better really wore me down to the point I do not have any romantic feelings of love toward her.

I simply do not want a divorce because I feel we get along fine and had the goal of repairing the marriage together that we could accomplish it and I feel as if our children are going to suffer needlessly. I am emotionally divorced now as well and am pretty much ready to accept that and to stay together in that state. Our loveless marriage I do not feel is harming our kids in anyway and definitely feel strongly that a divorce will be much more harmful. I don't think she is going to go for it.

I feel like she is going to file and we are going to fight and someone is going to lose.........

I would still like to save the marriage if possible even though I do not love her but I doubt it is even possible and don't even know how to go about it. My strategy for now is to delay her filing as long as possible and most likely to fight her if she does and hope that in the mean time she may change her mind or at least allow us to live together and co-parent. I don't want to lose my kids for half the time or more or to lose a bunch of money in a divorce.

I think it is pretty clear the reason she has changed her tune on divorce is that now she is convinced she can afford the house on her own....the house I bought with her after her most recent affair in the hopes that it would improve the marriage. Now she wants to take it and force me to leave.....

It is very possible. You have to do some things you don't feel like doing. You have to make massive love bank deposits every day even though you don't feel like doing it. And you have to STOP everything that is a love buster, even though you feel like doing those things anyway. Most men can do this.

You'll have to stop talking about how much you don't love her - that doesn't prevent you from doing what needs to be done to save your marriage, but if you dwell on it it will distract you. That will have to change later, after she is in love with you. You will have to be the pump primer to get the marriage going again.

TAKE YOUR WIFE OUT ON MULTIPLE DATES EACH WEEK.

Start listening to the Marriage Builders Radio show daily.

Post here about any fights the two of you have so that you can get feedback about the love busters you are engaging in and learn to eliminate them.

Do I read correctly that you were in the MB online program? Have you contacted your coach? Why don't you post to Dr. Harley?

Well we did try the online program. She agreed to do it but when it came down to it she was not willing to make any changes or put any effort in to it and she resented me and the program for trying to change her or make her do anything. She basically blew it off and the coaches and basically is anti-marriage builders now at this point. I have also posted to dr. harley a few times as well (under a different name)....I am thinking of emailing mbradio too.

I think I just put too much pressure on her too soon after the latest affair to try to recover and I also told her I needed her help this time. She just simply does not take the marriage seriously and it has not importance to her.

In the state we are now she basically is wielding the threat of divorce as a whip, anything that rocks her boat she threatens to crack it. She does not want me discussing potential contentious issues of a future divorce and she doesn't want me to act as if there is any glimmer of hope for our marriage.

She works an opposite schedule to me that has caused problems but she simply refuses to change it. Even if we wanted to devote time to each other for undivided attention the problem is there is no time and when there is she has a fortress of emotional barriers.

It is all mystifying to me because we get along well, always have, and we hardly fight about anything. I basically always give her what she wants and she rarely complains about much other than asking me to come home early to help her with kids and stuff. I don't work a lot of hours, she is just always tired from her work schedule.

Blaze,

I did not have a chance to read your entire thread, but was your WW and OM1 and OM2 exposed properly?

Correct me if I'm wrong but I get the impression there were no consequences to any of your WWs affairs.

God Bless
Gamma

It's pretty common for one spouse to be reluctant, and that's exactly the problem the online program was designed to solve. When this is the case, STAY IN TOUCH with Dr. Harley and your coach. You will have to be the one who motivates her and overcomes her reluctance - by becoming a fantastic and irreplaceable husband. You'll need all the help you can get from the coaching program, the radio show, and the forum.

I believe so. Exposure was basically the only way I got those affairs to end.

She didn't want to get a divorce while caught up in adultery because it made her look bad. She didn't want to get a divorce because she thought financially it would be too devastating. Now she thinks she is not in an affair and can afford to take the house on her own and afford it while collecting support from me so she want to go forward with it now.

I am not sure about consequences for her affairs. The consequence for the first affair was that I transformed in to an amazing husband that won her love back. The consequence for the second affair was that I bought a house with her to try to improve the marital situation that led to her affair.

This is the problem that I see, even if I transform in to an amazing husband again that convinces her not to get divorced at the end of that I am still stuck with a wife I do not love who is in love with me. The problem as I see it is simply that she is simply unwilling, even when she is in love with me, to learn to meet my emotional needs on the level needed to spark romantic love. I on the other hand am weary from trying and am perfectly fine for settling for a marriage that is not passionate. She needs passion, I don't. She is incapable/unwilling to make deposits to ignite my passion. It creates a situation where all the responsibility for keeping the marriage together falls on me and my ability to be an amazing husband and loving someone unconditionally by a constant force of will rather than because I love that person.

Maybe I am in the fog now sort of, but I just don't see how I could love her again the way I did before. I almost feel as if it took a consistent effort over a long period of time for her to destroy my romantic love for her. This protects me from being hurt but at the same time makes the unsustainable arrangement of me loving her while feeling unloved almost impossible. I don't think she could ever selflessly perform any type of care that she didn't feel like giving and she is stubborn and selfish and unwilling to change or try new things. I basically feel she is a slave to her emotions and doesn't even understand how you can use your will to change things without your emotions doing the motivating.

If you have access to Dr. Harley on the private forum, why don't you post to him?