I'm new here and not entirely sure where this should go. I have been married to DH for the past 3 yrs and still currently married. He is AD Army and is Deployed but we are stationed in Germany. We were planning R&R and thought everything was good intil I get blindside by the fact that he keeps having this re-accruing personality that doesn't think he's good enough for me and that because he Hasn't figured out how to love me the way that I love him that it will never work and that it's not fair. We "tried marriage consoling" all of 3 sessions then he got Deployment orders and No longer had time. His grandfather has recently (past dec) and he couldn't get emergency leave to leave theater(down range) and say good bye to him. I told him to just take his R&R and be there for his family. I am now getting blamed for him not going and he resents choosing to spent R&R with me instead of going to his grandfather. He says he respects me, cares about me and even believes in me... He just doesn't love and and says that its been this way for a while that he just keeps the peace, because he hates to see anyone upset. He has gone on to say that " I've lost so much of me because of you, I don't even know who I am anymore."

He wants to call it quits but, I love him to much to just walk away. I know we are young (21 and 23) and that we could theoretically move on from this. I take the vows i made seriously to me divorce is not an option, if i thought it was i would have never gotten married in the first place. I want to know How i can reach out and help him threw this.

Blindsided,

I am sorry things are not going well with you and your husband. Marriagebuilders is a good place to get advice and Dr. Harley, the sponsor of this cite, has many years of helping couples restore a romantice relationship in their marriage.

It is very difficult to remain connected during deployments. Do you have a way to talk frequently? can you skype? Has your husband had multiple deployments? Does your husband have PTSD? It seems as though he is depressed. Has he talked to a chaplain or counselor?

Take a look at the articles on here, especially the ones about the love bank and his/her emotional needs. It you can, get and read Dr. Harley's book, "His Needs, Her Needs". If they don't have it at the post library, you can order it from either this cite or amazon. If you can't identify what emotional needs your H has, ask him if he is willing to fill out the emotional need questionnaire.

Finally, do you think he is having an affair? Is there someone he is deployed with? I bring this up because the number one indicator of an affair is the line, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". The same with being confused about "who I am".

On the plus side, I don't think your H will be able to initiate a divorce while deployed. When will he re-deploy?

AM

this is our first deployment. No i don't believe he is having an affair. PTSD and depression seem more likely to me. He has not had r&r yet and is still currently down range. We talk daily and until this past weekend i haven't heard anything about this. We have always kept things pleasant and not argued. As for as consoling or a chaplain he as far as i know is forever beyond the wire, or at least that is what he tells me.

No he cannot divorce me while he is down range just erod(early return of dependents) me and file separation papers. Since we have no children he can start the divorce process before he returns to Germany.

He has never had to stand on his own and be 100% accountable for himself and only himself.

I will look for the books at the library

When is he coming home for R&R? When my H came home for R&R, he slept for much of the time. Later, he didn't remember some of the things we did, places we went during R&R.

How long has he been deployed? It seems rather early for these kinds of symptoms of depression.

AM

He has been deployed for the past 6 months. He is suppost to have R&R with in the next week.